Almost Done

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Well after 6 months and thousands of dollars, the stbx and I both signed off on a settlement agreement on Monday.  We are just waiting for it to come back from the judge with the official stamp and signature.  All in all I cannot complain about the deal.  I left some things on the table but it was worth it for the peace of mind of being able to to move on.   

What finally moved her to settle?  First, she found a new house that she wanted in an estate sale and was in full impulse mode to get an offer in on it.  As I told my attorney the behavior is classic BPD behavior and we should strike while the iron is hot.  We negotiated a deal that was not too far off from what I laid on my L's desk when I walked in for the first time.  That same first  meeting was also where I told the L that the best thing that could happen for us was for stbx to find a new boyfriend.   Guess what she let slip to me this weekend!  Yes she has been dating for the last 3 months and seeing the same guy more or less for the last month. 

Of course she still can't communicate in non-BPD ways, so after she lets it "slip" that she is seeing this guy, and then probes me with yet another loyalty test, wanting to make sure that I was not so upset with the news that I would go track him down and pummel him.   Really?  Really?  I was so proud that I kept myself contained and did not jump for joy.  Beat him up?  Heck the only thing I want to do is buy him a drink, shake his hand and say thank you.

[ugghh]

Well after 6 months and thousands of dollars, the stbx and I both signed off on a settlement agreement on Monday.  We are just waiting for it to come back from the judge with the official stamp and signature.  All in all I cannot complain about the deal.  I left some things on the table but it was worth it for the peace of mind of being able to to move on.   

What finally moved her to settle?  First, she found a new house that she wanted in an estate sale and was in full impulse mode to get an offer in on it.  As I told my attorney the behavior is classic BPD behavior and we should strike while the iron is hot.  We negotiated a deal that was not too far off from what I laid on my L's desk when I walked in for the first time.  That same first  meeting was also where I told the L that the best thing that could happen for us was for stbx to find a new boyfriend.   Guess what she let slip to me this weekend!  Yes she has been dating for the last 3 months and seeing the same guy more or less for the last month. 

Of course she still can't communicate in non-BPD ways, so after she lets it "slip" that she is seeing this guy, and then probes me with yet another loyalty test, wanting to make sure that I was not so upset with the news that I would go track him down and pummel him.   Really?  Really?  I was so proud that I kept myself contained and did not jump for joy.  Beat him up?  Heck the only thing I want to do is buy him a drink, shake his hand and say thank you.

[Forestaken]

I was so proud that I kept myself contained and did not jump for joy.  Beat him up?  Heck the only thing I want to do is buy him a drink, shake his hand and say thank you.

FYI/Heads up: My settlement conference 12/2013 - J signed it 5/2014

Her L dragged it out.  Her stuff is still in MY house (was hers too) 

I know she hates the fact I was able to get the house re-fi and keep it

[gherkins]

Congratulations!

[Matt]

Congratulations!

Maybe this will help you disengage and not talk to her about her boyfriend, etc., so you can move on in every way.

[ugghh]

Thanks Matt.  I did not ask about bf but she insisted on telling. In fact her calls have been ramping up iAd the divorce seems to be winding down.  Sigh, yet a new challenge to deal with.

[Matt]

Thanks Matt.  I did not ask about bf but she insisted on telling. In fact her calls have been ramping up iAd the divorce seems to be winding down.  Sigh, yet a new challenge to deal with.

What I learned to do - and it took me a long time to get good at it - was use e-mail only - almost no phone or face-to-face.

When she called, if it was about the kids, I would listen but wouldn't respond - "Um, let me think about it." or "I don't know - I get back to you."  Then I would respond by e-mail.

If she went into some inappropriate area I learned to just hang up.

Same thing if I see her somewhere, like at a school function.  I don't chat with her.  I don't exactly ignore her - if she says "Hi" I say "Hi" but that's about it.  If she chooses that time to tell me something about the kids I listen and say "OK" but if she goes into some other area - what's happening at her work for example - I don't engage - wait for a pause and excuse myself to go to the bathroom.

To her, I am now the most boring person imaginable.