I wrote some long winding story about my past disappointment, frustration and how I was constantly undermined by her.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=227295.0https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=227430.0Now it brings to the present time. I am looking for a new house for me and my kids. I haven't told her yet.
Wife and kids are out of town visiting her family as they have done in the past. Sometime I go along, sometimes I don't. I won't say I don't enjoy a quiet time by myself. But just because she is away does not mean I will have peace. We have phone call daily and sometimes things can get ugly and she get mad and just hang up on me. It does not happen this time though. These few weeks are actually quiet.
I have muddle through this marriage for 15 years. We would had big fight. Then things would quiet down and I return to the routine and put off making any change. Then the next big fight happens and the cycle repeats. Right now it is not at all an infuriating time. It is easy to just carry on as usual. But I will detest myself if I let this continues.
I went out to look for houses by myself. I hate to do this on her back as if I am scheming. On the other hand I feel such freedom in a long time. It is so much easier to do things without the harsh critic on my back. I feel more alive to really try to plan for the future. My next test will be to actual confront her. I am think of writing a letter. I want to express myself authentically without unnecessary triggering her.
Looking for house is a big challenge itself because I live in an expensive urban market. I feel outright paralyzing knowing how competitive the market is. And I have to deal with this by myself. Of course if my wife were here it would not be of any help. It will only make things 10 times more difficult. I need to have faith in myself in time I will have these all sorted out and this will lead to the rebirth of my life at last.
