Life is so complex. So many that look to me to keep the calendar. So many look to me for emotional support. I have been tired, in pain, frustrated, depressed for a while. Things are getting better.
My pdoc added Zoloft to my mix. It is now starting to help the depression and fatigue. An afternoon nap is not so essential to make it until bedtime. This med. has also erased my muscle pain from fibromyalgia. I am waiting for the 'fibro fog' to lift. It feels like I have dementia many days - can't remember names of people I have known a long time, where places are, what is on the calendar... . Well, the calendar is overwhelming!
Dh and I are making connection again - well I am more available and able to listen to his daily story rather then talking on and on about my thoughts and feelings. There is a little passion flickering. Depression shuts down so much. He is tired too. Has a shoulder injury from moving furniture out of DD's old room. Has recovered from a serious cut to his hand at work - same side as shoulder problem. Lots of appointments to give support with - he remembers when they are. I need to give emotional support and be a good listener. It is coordinating his needs with when he needs to be here for gd.
We are going on a short camping trip to Wyoming next weekend. Last summer we never even got our little travel trailer out. We have another trip planned the first week of August. Gd and dh are very excited to go. It feels like one more chore to me right now.
Gd is doing GREAT
The adderal has helped so much for her. We have been able to decrease the Intuniv. Maybe she can go off of this med. totally before school starts. She did great in 3rd grade academics and friends. She has made new friends at her day camp (3 days a week). She has new friends in the neighborhood. She loves summer - frogs, crickets, fish tank, hermit crabs, pill bugs. These are the ones living in the house in their little habitats. She is having her birthday on Friday - 9 years have gone by so fast. She can take the dogs out running in the open space behind our house on her own now. She has done a great job teaching them to listen and come when called. Lots of bunnies to chase. She is making progress with her therapist working out some of her intense fears and mommy issues.
DD28 is still in jail. She was arrested Feb 22nd; sentenced on probation violations Mar 20th; started work release Apr 7th; got a job in phone marketing that lasted a week - she was too slow and let go; got a job sorting at a thrift store - she was late everyday because it was more important to walk to bus 1 hour away from jail with new bf also in work release. Lost that job after 2 weeks; drifted into drugs again with others in work release - UA put her and bf out of work release and back in jail full time. The friend providing the drugs is in serious trouble as she was trying to bring them into the jail - how stupid is that.
DD introduces me to all her friends. She has this belief that by my 'knowing' them, it makes them OK. She has done this since high school. I actually bought into this warped reality for a long time. Dh never did, but I would not listen to him in the past. It saddens me that many have kids that do not have stable family lives. Many of these kids live with other relatives or have been adopted. Why do they have all these babies?
There have been some recent deaths from overdoses or 'multi-drug intoxication' in our city. I read about one I think I have met in newspaper yesterday. Found dead at park that was DD's hang out last year. Ten deaths in our county so far this year. Many of them are homeless. I feel so sad, angry and frustrated. With the system. With resistance to treatment for so many.
DD and I talked a couple of times yesterday. I have advocated for DD with paralegal ('M' at public defenders office to get outside appointments for DD's health needs. The jail is unwilling or unable to meet these needs for her. The jail will not talk to me; only the inmate can ask for medical and mental health care. Her medicaid does not apply to services provided under custody of jail - they are billed to her jail account. 'M' has been successful getting two furloughs so far related to preventing her MRSA infections and evaluation of her Hep C. The doc is a specialist in infectious diseases. DD has appointment to talk about blood tests next Tuesday followed by the ultrasound of her abdomen (liver). From this her Hep C will be better defined and a treatment plan can be made. The jail is refusing to allow her to use the non-prescription items this doctor ordered to manage the MRSA and support her immune system. I feel like there is a stigma and/or disbelief that DD needs these outside appointments. There seems to be the belief that I am a manipulated mommy and her dx's are not real. She is a 'complainer'. Her drug abuse seems to disallow her medical and mental health realities. I have seen this in the ER many times. An example: after the birth of gd she almost died from a gall bladder ready to burst - I refused to take her home until they did an ultrasound. She had emergency surgery that morning - it ruptured as they took it out. The ER doc believed DD was there just to get the morphine for her "level 8 pain".
I talked to 'M' today about whether the judge might allow DD to continue working with mental health center outside jail. I believe it is so important for her to be building a community support network while she is open to this. She needs to leave jail into a program already there for her instead of wandering on the street with drug friends. She is doing motions for these mental health appointments. Her therapist will be the one to help with the rehab referral if she continues to be willing.
When we talked last night I had many tears on the phone with DD. I shared my intense concerns about the drug related deaths and my fears that she would become one of those statistics. I expressed my unending love for her and how much we want her to make progress to being in our family. Especially with her daughter, gd9. GD wants nothing to do with her mom right now. Too much 'yelling' and being 'mean' and bringing 'bad friends' to our house. Gd invited her T to talk with me about this a couple weeks ago. DD wants so badly to rebuild her r/s with gd. We talked about the work that needs to happen for this to be a reality - and that it will take time.
Her bf is going to another city for rehab - he is heroin addict - as part of his ISP (Intense supervised probation) this week for 2 weeks. She has asked me to write him and be encouraging and nice. I told her last night I cannot do this. He is in jail for burglary and car theft - to support his drug habit. He lost his job in work release too. He is not being 'nice' to her offering her heroin. And she did not have to join him! At first she tried to excuse his behavior since he is addicted. My reply was he needed to commit himself to the hard work of rehab. The opportunity is always there for him to choose.
I asked if she would do rehab. At first she said she did not need that. By the end of our conversation she was saying she would ask about rehab. She wanted me to look into it too. I said no, I cannot do that for her. I am already so overwhelmed. She needs to work with her therapist to request this. We also talked about how important this was for her to be in a better r/s with gd.
I am determined to not give up on DD. I will never stop putting the opportuniites in her path, encouraging her to make good choices, and not judging her for the bad choices. She is the daughter of my heart forever.
qcr
