Does anyone bounce between good and bad stretches?

[pamik27]

Hi all,

My daughter is 16 ... . I would like to ask if anyone else here has like peaceful stretches when you think, "You know, I think my kid's actually okay?" because they are functioning well, seemingly together and relatively focused and happy.

And then you get slammed again with some turn of events that it becomes clear that, no, actually your kid is actually in really bad shape -- miserable, filled with anger and jealousy, massive emotional tantrums, suicidal, irresponsible etc.

I am just wondering because I am certain my daughter has BPD, but wondering if for some it "comes and goes" depending on the circumstances?

(My daughter has been struggling with the fact that a) her boyfriend broke up with her, and b) now is dating her best friend. I thought she was doing sort of okay with it, but then found out last week that she actually has reacted by engaging in LITERALLY every thing a parent would worry about: cigarettes, booze, pot, shoplifting and promiscuity) She got in such a screaming match with her girlfriend that ran out of her house saying she was going to kill herself... . I found her hiding two blocks away, in the fetal position in a bunch of shrubs) She later told me that I should have been happy that she "chose" to leave the friend's house, because her other impulse was to punch her in the face.

One thing that is consistent is that she is always nice to me, although we have caught her in some colossal lies about where she is going and who she is going to be with.

My daughter is currently on Lexapro and Seroquel and enrolled in DBT training.

Any insight is appreciated... . thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[madmom]

Yes, definitely have experienced the ups and downs.  My 26 year old daughter has had lots of episodes through the years.  It seems like just when I think I can let my guard down and start to trust again, bang!  something happens to wreck the whole world again.   My daughter wasn't diagnosed as young as yours, although she was in therapy from about 16 on, so I am so glad you are finding help for her for this particular diagnosis, and that you have found this website, which for me has been very helpful.  Good luck, keep your chin up!

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Pamik27,

Now that you mention it, I'd say we go through periods of somewhat smooth sailing between the storms.  But my DD17 brings home friends who are having trouble ( or are in trouble ) in between her outbursts, so we seldom go a day without some kind of drama going on.  If it isn't my DD's drama, she immerses herself in her friends' drama. 

For me, the good news about that is I KNOW at some level, she feels our home is a loving, "safe haven" or she wouldn't keep bringing her friends with problems home.  (When she's raging, she says she can't stand living with us. )

It is frustrating to have a moment of peace and think, "Maybe she's finally maturing after all" only to be confronted with sudden rage or drama the next hour. I feel for you! I know how it is... . trying to maintain my own sanity while living with my DD wBPD.

Hang in there!

[lever.]

I think that there is a spectrum of severity with BPD and that people who are higher functioning cope quite well until they are triggered.

For many people with BPD a relationship breakdown or a falling out with a friend would be exactly the sort of thing to trigger them and they would have difficulty handling their extreme emotional reaction.

Others are triggered daily by things which would hardly be noticeable to others-so appear to have fewer "good patches"

(Just my thoughts).

[SeaSprite]

Definitely. It looked like my D16 was doing well, she got her GED and enrolled in the local college, she was making friends, etc. Then one night I can't get a hold of her, she's not coming home, and I contact the friend she was supposed to be with. Turns out, they haven't been friends for weeks, and D16 has been sleeping over with a 29 year old guy. She came home to a cop at our house, but it turns out, 16 is the age of consent, so he's not breaking any laws.

I thought our home was a safe place to her, she tells me she loves me and will snuggle up with me on the sofa when I'm reading. But she's been telling the guy she's afraid to go home (to get his attention I think, so he'll "protect" her."

I keep thinking things are getting better, and then we are blindsided.

[pamik27]

Thank you all so much for your replies.

My sympathies go out to anyone, especially the moms, whose kids have "bad stretches" like all the time.

But to the people who say their kids are sometimes okay, sometimes not... . I really appreciate hearing that and I know how it feels to keep having the rug pulled out from you.

To SeaWalker and HealingSpirit... . what you say rang a bell... . my daughter is very close to me, and is a homebody who I think sees her home as a refuge... . but when she's bad and having an emotional "storm," she will cry out, "I want to go home." I'll say, "Hon, this IS your home." And she will say that it does not seem like her home etc.

Thanks again for responding.

[muffetbuffet]

Ups and downs are the story of our life.  Our dd hits a good stretch with school, keeping a part time job, being respectful, etc and then sometimes for an unknown reason the bottom seems to fall out.  Fortunately, with some close observation over the years, we are usually able to tell when the bottom is ready to go.  DD starts not caring how she is dressing... . not taking the time to care about herself and her bedroom... . when things are going well, the room is ok.  I can at least say that it is neat for a teenager.  When things in her life are crazy, her room looks like a tornado has gone through.  Clothes are everywhere, garbage everywhere, dirty dishes, etc.  One could connect the physical chaos in her world as the emotional chaos in her mind.  The other comment that really stuck with me is the need for drama.  It did not always have to be dd's drama, as she was like a magnet to find someone who "needed her".  DD thrives on a life that is constantly in turmoil.  It is exhausting trying to keep up with her some days. 

[jellibeans]

Dear  pamik27

YES! that is the simply answer to your question. My dd16 has been doing fairly well over the past year but her main trigger seems to be when she loses a friend. Then she has a hard time keeping it together. I just picked her up yesterday from the P hospital. She had not been there since March 2013... . and that was after an overdose... . this time she asked to go... . so I see that as an improvement of sorts. I feel the older my dd gets the better she gets but there are alway set backs of one kind or another... . I am hopeful that there will be more stretches of good than bad.

[pamik27]

jellibean,

Thanks... . I'm sorry your daughter had a setback... . hopefully you are coming into a good stretch now.

I know what you mean about friends... . and it's been this way since she was little... . always SO preoccupied with who was "her friend" and trying to capture girls to be her friend, power struggles to keep those girls exclusively to her... . and then being upset if those girls tried to be friends with others. And you can't just tell them that they need to chill out, because if you try too hard you end up losing.

[Kate4queen]

Yup it's a roller coaster. We learned to fear the excessive highs as much as we feared the inevitable low that followed. It's very hard to live in a permanent state of fear.

[Elbry]

Absolutely YES!  I was going to post about this very thing and I saw you already did.  My DD had 5 months where her behavior improved to a very stable point where there was no cutting, she was doing her homeschooling, there were no outbursts or meltdowns, she was doing her chores etc etc.  This was last winter.  It was to the point that we stopped home based therapy in February and started individual again.  2 weeks later, with no warning, she swallowed 50,000 mg of Tylenol, a lethal dose if she hadn't had second thoughts and told me what she had done in time.  If I hadn't gotten her to the hospital in time.  If they hadn't given her the antidote medicine in time.  So many "ifs" That was also when I found out she had started cutting 3 days before that.  The catalyst was she had bleached her hair 3 times in 2 weeks and the third time she really overdid it and burned her hair off and had to almost shave her head.

Since getting out of the P hospital in March, she has again done really well. No cutting that I have been able to find, very minimal outburst, few meltdowns.  She is cooperating with her T and with DBT group.  I honestly believe she is really trying.  Then last night I go in her room to check on her and say hi and goodnight because I had been gone all day and hadn't seen her and she quickly tried to hide what she had in her hand.  I asked her what it was and it was a safety pin. I was concerned bc she tried to hide it and asked her what she was doing with it and she lost it, started screaming at me, threw the pin, threw her phone across the room.  Saying "why do you always have to think I'm doing something bad mom?"  I walked away bc if I engage with her in any way when she is like that it just escalates. 

So I have been thinking a lot.  Am I in for another bad stretch?  Am I overreacting?  Why DO I always think she is up to something bad? Well, because I am traumatized from past things she has done! I have to be on guard, I have to be watching, I let my guard down in February and she almost died!  So Ya, we do bounce between good and bad.  My hope is that it will get better, and I also hope that I see the bad coming in time to stop the Big Bad.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pamik27]

Elbry,

Funny, I was thinking the same thing this morning... ."Why" do I always have to think she is up to something... .Same answer as you... .I'm usually right. I wish I didn't have to spend my day like a private investigator... .and like someone mentioned "a state of fear." I have started having panic attacks while driving... .figured it must be menopause or something, but then I thought it's probably because I'm afraid all the time now, even on the "good" days and weeks.

Part of me wants to just let her do whatever... .a generation ago no parent would be doing what I'm doing now (therapy, meds, patrolling Facebook)... .and I worry my hovering is making her worse... .but on the other hand she has proven herself to be incapable and potentially dangerous to herself once I let my guard down.

So I just keep doing what I'm doing.

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Pamik27 and Elbry,

Even though we're in a quiet spell, I found myself worried when my DD17 went to the bathroom yesterday.  It was very quiet and she was in there 10-15 minutes, right in the middle of the TV show she was watching.  I didn't want to seem like I was hovering, so I stood outside the door listening and trying to think of some logical reason to knock and check on her.  I finally gave up and knocked, just saying, "Are you okay in there?  You've been in there a while and it's not like you."  She said she was fine, and thankfully didn't use that as an excuse to rage at me after.  But I know what you mean about feeling like we constantly need to check up on them and spy on them.  Standing outside the bathroom?  Really?  GEEZ!

I don't think parents of nonBPD teens go through the constant hyper-vigilance we do with our teens.  It's worse than having a toddler because they can get into so much worse now!  I find it hard to plan ahead anymore because I never know when my plans will be sidetracked and I never know when MY healthy behavior (taking care of ME time) will set her off.  I still do take care of myself, and she accepts this most of the time.  But watch out if I leave when she's raging, I'm the most "selfish mom on the planet."

Hang in there everyone!

[muffetbuffet]

I always find that if I do take "me" time or "husband" time, that I spend the whole time worrying about what is going on at home.  Recently my husband and I needed to be out of town for a weekend to attend a funeral of a dear friend.  I felt like I had a 5 yr. old at home. There was so much arranging of a "babysitter" to keep track of DD while we were gone.  Had it not been for a funeral, we would have not gone.  Now that DD is out of the house, it has certainly taken us some time to get used to being able to plan beyond the next five minutes.  We know that DD is not here to make things crazy and destroy any plans that we had.  To some people that may sound selfish but to those of us who live on the roller coaster of BPD/mental illness it is a reality.  And yes, I too have spent time standing outside of the bathroom and DD's bedroom trying to "check on her". 

[Loujaye]

For the past 7 years my life was spent waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because that was the only thing I could truly count on. Things would settle down but I knew better than to relax in the comfort of it. Because chaos always lurked around the corner. I tried to do everything I could to help my BPDD all thru her teens when she was dxed with severe depression and anxiety. We went thru the cutting, the suicidal ideations, the tears, all precursors, I know now to BPD. And after all the sleepless nights and holding her as she cried and being her advocate and the one who loved her no matter what, we're now in a period of NC. Have been since Christmas. And to think I thought we'd been thru the worst. This is pure torture. She's let me see her once but has not revealed a phone number or adress. So I guess this will be a new type of ups and downs. It's doing a number on my non BPDD and H of one year. I always hated roller coasters and it looks like I'm on a never ending one for the rest of my life.   :'(

[SeaSprite]

I always find that if I do take "me" time or "husband" time, that I spend the whole time worrying about what is going on at home.  Recently my husband and I needed to be out of town for a weekend to attend a funeral of a dear friend.  I felt like I had a 5 yr. old at home. There was so much arranging of a "babysitter" to keep track of DD while we were gone.  Had it not been for a funeral, we would have not gone.  Now that DD is out of the house, it has certainly taken us some time to get used to being able to plan beyond the next five minutes.  We know that DD is not here to make things crazy and destroy any plans that we had.  To some people that may sound selfish but to those of us who live on the roller coaster of BPD/mental illness it is a reality.  And yes, I too have spent time standing outside of the bathroom and DD's bedroom trying to "check on her". 

This is definitely where we are now... .my DD16 is our youngest, and her oldest sister or even my dad could hang out with her if my husband and I wanted to take a trip. But... .I am nervous about anyone else being responsible for her because she looks so "normal" until the bottom drops out and she goes so quickly to a dark place.

She used to be on board with seeing a counselor and a psych, but she has recently stopped, I think under the influence of the new boyfriend. For now she seems to be doing ok, but I've learned not to trust "doing ok". I feel like I'm just hanging on for her to turn 18, as if there is some magic that will happen at that number. (I know there isn't.)