He never sees our son and now wants 50% custody - please help

[razemarie]

I don't normally post on this board, but I need some advice.  My uBPDexbf sent me an email tonight stating that he wants 50% custody of our son unless I come back to him.  I cut the ties with him 3 months ago and he refuses to let go.  We were in a relationship for eight years and our child is three years old.  I have always had an open door policy when it comes to the two of them spending time together and he has only requested seeing him ONE time outside of his regular schedule of every other Friday and Saturday night. In three years.  My policy with him is that I will only respond to communications that involve our son.  So I feel some response is necessary although I will wait a day or two to respond.  I need help with the response.  I have been preparing for the time we need to settle things in court and have saved threatening texts and emails from him for months.  I have also saved all of the emails I have sent encouraging him to spend more time with our son, etc.  Is there any other advice you can give?  Any help would be greatly appreciated.  I do not have much money for a lawyer but think I have a pretty solid case if we do go to court.  Thank you.

[ForeverDad]

If for 3 years, virtually your child's entire life, he has seen his child only on alternate weekends - considered 'normal' visitation - then it's unlikely a court will want to change the status quo.  However, a major change is unlikely, not impossible.  What does your state advocate?  Some states have adopted 50/50 parenting as a good thing.  If yours is one of them, then you may have to focus hard on stating your case about reasons not to stray far from the current unofficial parenting schedule.  In general, most standard orders are for the non-primary parent to have alternate weekends of 2-3 overnights and an evening or overnight in between.

Clearly, he is doing this primarily to undermine and sabotage your new boundary of child-related contact only.  This may be his form of an "extinction burst", where one is triggered by a new boundary or ending relationship into higher conflict hoping to intimidate you and pressure you to retreat back to the old normal.  Quite likely, if you hold firmly to your boundary, he may eventually accept it.  No guarantees though so be prepared with as much documentation as possible that you are the primary parent if you take the legal path.

Could there be more to it?  Is he doing this to avoid paying child support?  If he earns less than you, is he doing this to get child support?

Another item to deal with... .   Your child will soon be in school.  If this goes to court make sure you are assigned as Residential Parent for School Purposes.  Also have it put in writing how the IRS tax deductions will be divided each year, if at all.  That's IRS Forms 8335 or 8332 for certain modifications.  The IRS wants to see their forms, not copies of a court order.  So have the court order include that the necessary tax forms be signed.  Make it easy, bring the forms with you to court for hearings, get them signed right then and there.

[razemarie]

Thank you for all of the great advice.  He currently pays me a weekly amount that he determined.  I make do with it to avoid conflict.  He works side jobs for cash that is not reported.  I am worried that he would end up paying even less based on those numbers if we go to court.  Your description of a distinction burst sounds right on the money. Prior to this, he has been sending texts and emails all day long, every day begging me to come back.  I truly believe he is saying this to get my attention and get me to respond.  Now that he can no longer try to threaten me with suicide as he used to do.  I set a boundary with that and will call the police if it happens.  So my guess is this will become his new "ultimate" threat to me.

[razemarie]

Do you feel I should respond to him?  Or just ignore it all together?

[razemarie]

I am assuming he would need to prove that he could bring our son to and from daycare on the days he has them, pick him up if he gets sick, etc?  He works in construction and starts early in the morning (before daycare opens) and gets home well after daycare closes.  He has had many issues even picking him up on the two Fridays a month he has him.  So hopefully if he follows through with this threat, the court will see that his work schedule is not suited for watching a child.  It's funny, he has chosen not to be more involved in our son's life for three years.  And now this.

[Nope]

I would not respond. If his is am extinction burst then all a response shows him is that this tactic will get a response. Negative engagement is still engagement.

Unless he actually files something in court this is just a threat.  Keep in mind he probably doesn't want to pay a lawyer either.

But now he's done you the favor of giving you a warning. Document behaviors. Make sure you've got your ducks in a row. For my case (I'm a step mom.) I wrote down a long list of factors against changing the status quo and as time went on I kept adding to it. Your point about pick up and drop off for child care is a good one. Eventually school will be a factor as well.

He doesn't really have much of a case. Especially if he's sending you emails before he even files saying he's basically willing to use the court system to punish you for not being with him. That isn't stable behavior.

[razemarie]

Thank you, that was my belief as well.  I have given it more thought and I think the best response to this is no response at all.  Thanks for your feedback!  I will continue to document his behavior and will start a list of reasons against changing the visitation schedule.

[livednlearned]

Hi razemarie,

Good advice from Nope. I was going to say the same thing -- don't respond. Keep every email and text message he sends you. Do you know what days/months he spent time with your son? It would be good to document that too. Your ex isn't likely to remember, but he will likely exaggerate. If you can be specific about the actual amount of time, that helps your case. With disordered people, documentation is partly to show the abuse, and partly to prove the lies are false.

You have established a really strong streak of status quo by having your son majority time. It's also good that you have not tried to prevent your ex from seeing your son. But don't send any more emails to him inviting him to see your son. You don't want to be in court saying, "His dad is dangerous and might commit suicide, so S3 needs to spend 100% time with me and supervised time with his dad for short periods" and then have your ex say, "Then why did you think it was ok for me to spend time with him in all these emails you sent?"  In general, courts don't take seriously whatever happened more than 6 months ago. If your ex does bring up the emails, you can say, "I was troubled by the thought of my son not knowing his dad. But ex never came to see son, and I now see that spending time together when there is a history of self-harm could seriously jeopardize my son's safety." Something like that.

Do you have a lawyer? Even if you don't plan to retain one right now, I would seek out two or three and ask for consultations. Usually it costs between $50 to $200 an hour depending on where you live. Some lawyers will consult for 30 minutes. Put together 10-15 questions about things you need them to advise you on. Because every state is different (assuming you live in the US), the laws are different. You want to be sure that you're getting good advice specific to your state. Also, this will give you a sense about different kinds of lawyers and who you might feel comfortable with if your ex files something.

Also, be aware that lots of people married to narcissistic types tend to feel comfortable with narcissistic-type lawyers. If you want to check and see if a lawyer has n traits, then disagree with him or her or express doubt in their opinion. If they are rude or condescending, then that's a red flag.

I know it's hard to not worry, but if it's any consolation, men with BPD are not quite as motivated to make good on their threats to get custody as moms with BPD (although there are BPD moms who abandon their kids). Your ex is trying to find a way to rattle you. He'll try whatever he can to get a reaction. That's why it's important to not respond. If he wants to get custody, let him get a lawyer and show that he's serious.

My ex is an attorney and he just files things to keep me in a permanent state of fear. But he never follows through. Unfortunately, I have to pay a lawyer to deal with stuff, and my ex represents himself for free. You might have to pay a little bit, but so will your ex, and he's probably not going to like spending money on something he doesn't even really want anyway.

Hang in there. It's stressful, but you're not alone and he's not in a strong position to be dictating custody after being a no-show for 3 years.

[razemarie]

Thanks, I am going to look more into the specific laws for my state.   The problem with my ex has always been in his follow-through.  So I am guessing this was exactly what you said, "a way to rattle my cage."  But in the meantime I will be sure not to actively invite him to hang out with my son.  Because you are right, that's contradictory to what I would be trying to prove in court. 

[Boss302]

I'd tell him that if he wants more custody, he needs to go back to court... . and leave it at that. I don't think this is about more custody - it's about spending time with you. And if you've made the decision be apart, then that's that.

Keep it simple... .

[ForeverDad]

There is an unknown factor here:  There is no order currently, custody has never been established, nor a parenting schedule ever set.  So a judge won't have a current order to reference as a starting point.  But logic dictates that the longer your child is living with you, you are taking the lead in parenting, you are the contact for pediatricians and the one taking him to his appointments, etc, then the firmer your position as primary parent.

[razemarie]

I have been his primary care-giver all his life.  For the first year of his life his father (my ex) was battling alcoholism.  So I moved the two of us out of the house and we stayed with family.  When our son was two he finally got sober and committed to taking him Friday night through Sunday morning.  There were some issues in the beginning with the schedule on his end but for the most this is a set schedule between the two of us. 

[livednlearned]

I am assuming he would need to prove that he could bring our son to and from daycare on the days he has them, pick him up if he gets sick, etc?  He works in construction and starts early in the morning (before daycare opens) and gets home well after daycare closes.  He has had many issues even picking him up on the two Fridays a month he has him.  So hopefully if he follows through with this threat, the court will see that his work schedule is not suited for watching a child.  It's funny, he has chosen not to be more involved in our son's life for three years.  And now this.

Usually what happens is you get lawyers involved who try to work things out first, which can be a real head game. But you have friends here who have a lot of collective wisdom about how this works, so you have some resources to help you. In some states, court orders mediation first. Mediation works great for two non-disordered people who truly want to work it out. A lot of people end up headed for court, and then their exes settle right before. You might not ever have to go in front of a judge. In which case, it all comes down to how good your lawyer is at coming up with a strategy to outmaneuver your ex.

In some ways, trying to get your bf to take your son more than he was wiling to probably helps you in a reverse psychology kind of way. He knows you want him to spend time with your son, so he does the opposite to try and hurt you. Once you show through the legal system that you are trying to protect your son from his dad, your ex could swing wide the other way and try to exert his parental rights to custody. Hopefully, your ex doesn't have a lot of money to tie you up in protracted legal proceedings. 

Because your ex hasn't shown an interest in your son, there's a good chance he doesn't genuinely want custody. If he does file for custody and the judge awards it, your ex might not actually follow through. Also, my experience with alcoholics is that they can't sustain things and have terrible impulse control. Let's hope your ex can't get his ducks in a row when he's off work and busy drinking.

[Boss302]

I have been his primary care-giver all his life.  For the first year of his life his father (my ex) was battling alcoholism.  So I moved the two of us out of the house and we stayed with family.  When our son was two he finally got sober and committed to taking him Friday night through Sunday morning.  There were some issues in the beginning with the schedule on his end but for the most this is a set schedule between the two of us. 

I hadn't realized there is no set court order for visitation here... . you ABSOLUTELY need that, particularly when you're dealing with the kind of unstable person you are. It'll be better for all parties once there's some stability in the situation. Have you seen an attorney yet?

[razemarie]

No, I have no money for an attorney.  But yes, I agree that we need to get a visitation schedule in place.

[livednlearned]

No, I have no money for an attorney.  But yes, I agree that we need to get a visitation schedule in place.

Couple of questions if you spring for consultations:

1. What will the court think if you deny visitation (when there is no order in place), and what consequences would there be

2. What are the chances for 50/50 given the status quo for the past three years

3. How will the father's alcoholism affect custody

4. What type of visitation might be awarded in court based on the father's occupation and schedule

5. Are there any advantages to filing first

6. Is there anything you should be careful to do, or not do, in order to have a strong case

7. What are benefits or consequences of not having an order in place

You might want to also ask about paternity, whether having ex's name on the birth certificate is sufficient in your state, or if your ex would need to prove paternity.

[Matt]

To some extent, your stress may be because you are re-acting and not taking the initiative.  You are on the defensive, and that usually feels weaker and more  istressful than when you take the lead.

Maybe you could consider filing a motion to have the status quo made into a court order, so you will have more stability and his threats will lose their power.

You might be able to find one or more attorneys who give a free initial consultation, and ask questions like the ones LnL has suggested.  Find out especially about the details of the process - what papers need to be filed.  Maybe there are templates you can use to write your motion.

I used an attorney for my divorce, but one time later I filed a motion without hiring an attorney.  (I wanted to have the record that showed I had been arrested, after my wife had falsely accused me of assault, sealed.)  I went to the court - had to wait in line a long time - they gave me the forms to fill out - it wasn't hard - I filed it the same day.  My motion was denied, for legal reasons, but not because I filed it wrong.  It wasn't hard.

In your case, your motion can be pretty simple and compelling:  You have always been the child's primary caretaker, you have always supported the child's father having time with the child, and you will continue doing that.  The father is making threats so you want the court to establish custody and a parenting schedule - the same schedule that is in place now - so the threats will have no impact.  There's really no argument against what you are seeking;  there might be a hearing so both parents can make their cases, but it's very likely to go your way.

[Boss302]

No, I have no money for an attorney.  But yes, I agree that we need to get a visitation schedule in place.

Does your county have a self help clinic at the courthouse? They can't give legal advice, but they can give you info on how the process works, timeframes, what forms need to be filed and how to file them, what motions might mean, etc. The clinic at my county court has been a good resource for me - I'd encourage you to find out if you have access to similar services.

I know this is an intimidating prospect, but the alternative is what you're dealing with now, and that's not healthy for you or your kid. I really think you need some legal framework in place for your relationship with your ex.

[momtara]

He seems like my exH, who uses stuff with the kids to have more contact with me.  All of that documentation will help you, as well as existing patterns. 

Sounds like he's trying to scare you.  The email/text about wanting to get back together can help you show what his motive is.  My exH is doing the same thing right now... .

I wonder if summer triggers these guys to feel lonely?   I know summer is making me feel a bit lonely (maybe I will start a topic about that)

I have seen cases where fathers didn't see the kids for a long time, and only got supervised visitation until they were reintroduced, over time.  Even if your state likes 50 percent, that doesn't mean for a dad who is nutty and hasn't been involved.

While anything can happen, he is trying to manipulate you and -- as hard as it is -- try not to worry!

Keep posting, I know where you are coming from.  Has he done anything physical, or just harassed you?

[ForeverDad]

It's possible this is just boundary pushback in overreaction to your new boundary ending contact that isn't child related.  If you refuse to weaken and give in to his demand he may retreat to prior patterns.  Hard to say whether he decides to go to court but you may decide to take a wait and see attitude while waiting for his reaction.

They're right though, at some point it would be smart to set some legal framework.  Whether that time is now or soon, I don't know.

[razemarie]

Thanks to everyone for the great advice and support!  This gives me a basis of where to start.  I have not heard anything further from him wanting custody and things went well on Sunday when I picked up my son from his house.  I truly think he was trying to rattle my cage.  But that being said, this could certainly happen again and I want to be prepared (and be on the offensive) going forward.  I am looking into legal help in my county and have printed all of the required forms to go through.