HELP

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Intro post

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=227982.msg12453214#msg12453214

This is my last effort to try and keep my own sanity. It has taken me too many (decade to be exact) of "love me/leave me" attacks. I introduced myself in the newbie section. I want to hear it is going to get better (I know it is not). I want to leave (I know I won't). I have come to fear just about everything I used to feel sheltered from. I basically have NO life of my own anymore. He is so busy obsessing about me getting hurt, lost, taken away, or whatever other scenario of the day that I might as well be dead already. I understand the abandonment that goes along w/ this syndrome. I recognize and adapt to the frequent and misplaced rage almost daily now. I see the whole picture, the whole frame. I just feel like a frustrated photographer caught up in the perspective - am I making the image better or worse by how close I capture it.

[mjsunshine]

Intro post

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=227982.msg12453214#msg12453214

This is my last effort to try and keep my own sanity. It has taken me too many (decade to be exact) of "love me/leave me" attacks. I introduced myself in the newbie section. I want to hear it is going to get better (I know it is not). I want to leave (I know I won't). I have come to fear just about everything I used to feel sheltered from. I basically have NO life of my own anymore. He is so busy obsessing about me getting hurt, lost, taken away, or whatever other scenario of the day that I might as well be dead already. I understand the abandonment that goes along w/ this syndrome. I recognize and adapt to the frequent and misplaced rage almost daily now. I see the whole picture, the whole frame. I just feel like a frustrated photographer caught up in the perspective - am I making the image better or worse by how close I capture it.

[mjsunshine]

Yes, I am yelled at, screamed at, accused and abused (verbal) of any and all irrationalities imaginable and then some.

My head is an eggshell emotionally and my stomach is never at ease b/c his phone never stops wondering where I am. If I don't answer he will call and call and call. He is calling NOW (I am staying late work to catch up b/c he has put me behind for days and I had to recently cancel a trip to D.C)

I am the Managing Director of a SE company and feel it is inappropriate having to excuse myself to deal w/ him as if he were a child.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I am the one messed up as he wants me to believe.

It is so frustrating to have the wits to say "screw this" and walk away but not so easy when you genuinely love someone and can see/feel/listen to their hurting.

Experience the pain with them.

It is just getting so bad and I am so tired.

Like the lifeguard trying to keep his victim afloat, I am being pulled and thrashed about with every mood wave depth imagines.

I am not trying to "save" him OR me. It is well beyond drowning. I just want us to get to shore safely.

[mjsunshine]

I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to reach out for help. I thought there was a solution here... . somewhere... . but  I know he is never going to release and I am white flagged out. There is an odd peace in that. Knowing. Accepting. Hope others get a more timely response/encouragement here then I encountered. It says a lot about us as a society and community that no one cares until after the fact.

(or a moderator more concerned about my emoticon selection "woo-hoo" fluffy frill than directing me toward any semblance of help).

[Turkish]

mjsunshine, this is very concerning. Do you feel safe going home? Have you ever felt threatened for your physical safetey? Most of us here have endured verbal abuse, but screaming is another level. Can you read through this pamphlet and link for some perspective?

Safety First


TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

It's getting late here on the West Coast of the US where I am, but I'll be on another hour if you want to talk.

Stay Safe,

Turkish

[Turkish]

I don't know what to do. Maybe I am the one messed up as he wants me to believe.

mj, I got this same thing, too, and I spent probably $3k in therapy only to be told that I have "wounds, like everybody else," despite arguing with my T that surely there must be something wrong with me, because my uBPDx (undiagnosed BPDx) sent me there to get "fixed." Interstingly, my mom did this to me almost 30 years ago... .

pwBPD often engage in Projection as an unhealthy coping mechanism to deny their core feelngs of shame. Sounds odd to say that about someone who rages and verbally abuses, but that is about it. So said, so how does that help us?

A pwBPD lashes out at those closest to them. As "nons" this makes no sense. A core trait of this disorder is an inability to deal with their emotions. You're staying late at work. To a pwBPD, this is abandonment, and this is their core fear. You are protecting yourself from abuse, and there is not one thing wrong with that. I had to walk out a few times from mine because I just couldn't take it! It triggered her worse, then she "came back" and split me white from black again. So tiring... .

It's not good that you had to cancel a business trip to care take him. Do you think he'll do something drastic if you go?

[waverider]

mjsunshine

It sounds like you have suddenly hit a crisis moment, what is different today than it was yesterday, the week before, or a month ago?

Is it a sudden realisation or has something significant changed?

Many here have had these crisis moments, in truth though it is an accumulation or reoccuring crisis that have rolled on for a significant amount of time until we reach a stress point, and we melt down.

In order for anyone to give any meaningful recommendations some kind of time line or evolution is important, otherwise its just a stab in the dark.

The first step most people need to take to deal with toxic relationships is work on the boundary of removing yourself physically from the line of fire, regardless of the consequences. It is your safety fuse.

Keeping in mind this is a member forum and not a manned help line, so responses are not always immediate, and it will also depend who is on line and what input they feel like they can give. I understand how frustrating it is to not get an immediate response though.

Keep posting, just putting this down, will help you formula some sort of order out of chaos.

I will merge your topics back on to the undecided board, this should provide you with more in depth contributions. You will need to be patient however, as many in the Northern hemisphere will be asleep. Weekends are always a little slow too just so you know.

[Turkish]

mjs, how are you doing today? Are things a little better at home, at least for now?

We know these things go in cycles, the cycles of a person often unable to control their inner turmoil. Anger, fear, lack of self worth... . all of which we get a taste of in the form of verbal and emotional abuse of varying forms and degrees. My uBPDx once, in a moment of clarity, told me that when she was raging, she wanted everybody else to feel her pain. As a non, I didn't accept it on a moral level, though intellectually, I understood what she was saying.

We talk a lot on this site about validation. That is, acknowledging a feeling without judgement on whether it is right or wrong. To a pwBPD, feelings are facts. That is their world. We know better, but we can do things to accept what they are feeling, empathizing with that, and then setting clear boundaries to protect us, really. It takes a strong person to do this (and you sound tough!), but with practice and application, many members have found these tools to work. Here is a example:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

SET is probably one of the easiest ones to learn and apply. I use it in my communications with my uBPDx since I have to co-parent with her. (it actually works on nons and children as well)

You may also find this information useful:

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

Validation of feelings is vital to connecting with others. The mutual validation of feelings is important in all phases of relationship; including building, maintaining, repairing, and improving them.

So what happens when this dynamic breaks down.  One family member has very high validation needs, or one member is invalidating, or both have high validation needs, or both are invalidating?

If you read through these, do you think something like this can help reduce conflict?

You may feel like you're in a corner right now, but you do have a right to peace. Since he is disordered, then you can take the first steps to see if he will follow. If you are really willing to work (and being a director, I'm positive that you have a strong ethic in this regard), then this is the beginning to begin to make things better. You seem committed to not giving up though, no?

This workshop gives a good overview and outline of avoiding the pitfalls of interaction:

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

(Oceanheart, the poster in Reply #1, is a recovered pwBPD. She has great perspective from both sides of the disorder)

Turkish