A Broken Son

[OutOfEgypt]

Recently, my son (step-son, technically) had his first daughter born to his ex girlfriend.  At least partly because of his own emotional instability and reactivity, he was not there at the birth.  The mother didn't want him there, and partly by his own fault (reactively blocking her on FB when he got upset about something), he didn't even know when the baby was being born.

This obviously has hurt him terribly, as seen by his Facebook post in the middle of the night.  He talks about being "forgotten on the back burner."  He talks about how "everything he does for love is always in vain."  And sadly, he really doesn't see how his own reactive, unstable behavior pushes people away.  All he sees is the fact that he is being discarded.

And he has been like this his entire life, even from when he was little.  The sad thing is... . when I read about him feeling that way, I know its because he has felt that way his entire life with is uBPD mother (my ex).  He's been chasing after her for his entire life.   And she's always been wrapped up in someone or something else.  And now that his mother and I aren't together anymore, he is enjoying the temporary bliss of being able to "have her" for a time.  He goes over there and hangs out with her regularly, and I almost never see him.

But this is what BPD's do, or at least what THIS BPD mother/ex-wife does.  Everything revolves around her.  Everyone and everything.  She is constantly putting her vibe out there to hook in more and more people to be obsessed with her.  There is always one guy, rejected and still chasing her, put on the back burner, while there is always some new guy being put in the glory seat.  And it will always be like that.  And her son is still obsessed with her, and it has wrecked his entire life if he does not get help.  He may actually be BPD or something like it, at this point.

It's like standing back and watching a slow train-wreck.  His mom is like a wrecking ball to the lives of everyone she touches.  Everyone feels it sooner or later.  Mommy may "love them" but mommy is too obsessed with herself and getting attention and hating people who don't like her terrible behavior to have that mean anything.  In other words, she's always on another plant and their love is always falling to the ground, un-received.

I write this to vent, but I write this to also encourage any of you out there who are worried about what to do.  This does hurt children.  By the time I came into his life, there was really no competition for this kid's heart after his mom.  He has always been running after her.  We always had conflict, too, EXCEPT when she was not around.  Even his running away attempts, he admitted later, were about "just wanting to see if mommy would chase after me."  So, yes, a BPD mother does severe damage to children, especially children who have a bond ONLY with her.  Thankfully, my daughters are more strongly bonded to me, but it still has damaged them, I am certain.  But even for the years I was with his mom and we were all a family, I know it took me away from them partly, too, because *I* was also obsessed with her.  Everything must revolve around them.  That is what their dynamic does.  And it destroys and kills souls.

[mace17]

Thank you for this post, OutOf Egypt, it really does show the kind of damage a pwBPD can do to a child.  This is a fear of mine, I know my son loves his dad but it seems like he is always trying to get attention and approval from him and he just can't.  I don't want it to damage him, but at this point not sure what is worse.  S8 is more bonded with me, so hopefully that will help.  He understands that if he needs somebody to be there for him that he can depend on and listen to him, he can always come to me for that.

I wonder if this explains why he takes "constructive criticism" so much differently from me than from his dad.  If dad takes him to the batting cages for example, and he tells him that he needs to start his swing a little earlier, S8 just gets so upset and discouraged.  If I take him and tell him the same thing, he is fine with it and tries to listen to my suggestions.  Dad of course gets frustrated and wonders why S won't ever listen to him and gets upset when he tries to help. 

I took S8 to a therapist this past year because of anxiety issues he was having, especially at school.  It seems like he expects himself to be perfect, and if he makes a mistake or doesn't understand a concept right away, he has a meltdown.  It has gotten somewhat better recently, both the therapist and I thought it might have something to do with trying to get his dad's attention and approval.  Not much progress on that front, but S8 seems to be getting a little better with handling it. 

Sorry to ramble on so long, just lots of random thoughts I've had and I worry about this stuff.

[OutOfEgypt]

Sounds familiar, for sure.

And I don't post this stuff to make it a burden for you or any of us.  To a very large degree, we cannot do anything about this.  That is their dad/mom, and it's a little too late to wish otherwise.  We can merely try to be supportive and be a beacon of light to them.  It really sucks.

[Forestaken]

OOE: I understand what you are going through.  I would like to echo your story by telling my own (or my S's) S24, throughout his life, he had trouble making friends, never had a BF, GF, gang to hang out with.  He always felt excluded from events or at events.  Momster restricted access to friends, critized friends, threaten to ridicule him in front of his friends, in short, not having friends was easier.

In 2011, momster went to a funeral in her hometown, she took an extended stay.  S22(then) made the Dean's List twice at Comm College and transferred to his dream school. At his dream school, he felt isolated and alone.  He told me days would pass without anyone talking to him (While everyone around him were in a group).

In May 2012, I decided to divorce.  Since S24 & D20, were under 18, the courts didn't give a crap about them.  Momster stole their college funds. 

Spring 2014, the financial burden was too much, S24 & D20 went to a college work program in FL.  His roommates were extroverts.  He complained about them but they brought him out of his shell.  They made him feel valuable and he started to realize his value.

In closing, you are correct that there is alot of damage done by a BPD parent.  They slowly destroy their children's self-esteem to a point that they isolate themselves.

R/S should be give and take but with a BPD you only give.  R/S are taxing and burdensome.  The kids understand this and they find it easier to withdraw than interact.  Their BPS parent creates this mental environment.

[OutOfEgypt]

R/S should be give and take but with a BPD you only give.  R/S are taxing and burdensome.  The kids understand this and they find it easier to withdraw than interact.  Their BPS parent creates this mental environment.

Ain't that the truth.  My eldest daughter (actually both of them) has a real problem making friends.  She feels isolated, like she's always on the oustide, and longs for that "one close friend." 

[Forestaken]

Their BPD parent creates this mental environment.

I should've said "mental prison"

[mace17]

My S8 is also somewhat antisocial.  He has friends at school, but even though there are kids he knows in our neighborhood, he doesn't want to go play with them.  This past weekend, we went to a family event and his favorite cousin was there.  It took him almost 2 hours to finally play with him, otherwise he was just by himself. 

[Forestaken]

My S8 is also somewhat antisocial.  He has friends at school, but even though there are kids he knows in our neighborhood, he doesn't want to go play with them.  This past weekend, we went to a family event and his favorite cousin was there.  It took him almost 2 hours to finally play with him, otherwise he was just by himself. 

I don't know your S8, but from my S24's history with his uBPDm, he waits, analyzes the situation to determine if it is safe to "have fun".  Sad.

[mace17]

My S8 is also somewhat antisocial.  He has friends at school, but even though there are kids he knows in our neighborhood, he doesn't want to go play with them.  This past weekend, we went to a family event and his favorite cousin was there.  It took him almost 2 hours to finally play with him, otherwise he was just by himself. 

I don't know your S8, but from my S24's history with his uBPDm, he waits, analyzes the situation to determine if it is safe to "have fun".  Sad.

And his dad wasn't even there, thought that would make a difference but it didn't.  He is very shy socially.

[OutOfEgypt]

I just talked to my step-son on the phone the other day.  It was really upsetting.  His emotional state was very disturbing.  He's convinced the mother of his baby is "crazy", a "sociopath", and possibly "schizophrenic," but is convinced that he is "over it" and not angry about how she didn't let him see his baby.  He has zero concept of the fact that people stay away from him because of his unstable, hyper-emotional, crazy, angry, obsessive behavior.  There's more to it, but it was really upsetting to see that he is basically crazy.  Just completely out of touch with himself, completely unable to see himself in the mirror, constant projection, etc.  I think HE may be BPD, at this point.  Very sad.  And of course, what's more sad is that he is completely wrapped around his BPD/NPD mother's finger.  She controls and facilitates everything in his life, even how he was able to finally meet his baby the other day.  She tells him what's up and what's down, or tries to.  He tells her things like how she abandoned him or was never there for him, and she just dismisses it and tells him he's overreacting.  He's basically screwed, but that is what she does.  She loves having people wrapped around her finger, especially with men, and he's been the main one all of these years.

There is nothing I can do except "save myself" and hope that in time he will see the light coming from my direction.  But how can he?  The light of the Borderline/Narcissist is so blindingly addicting and alluring.

[Forestaken]

  I think HE may be BPD, at this point.  Very sad.  And of course, what's more sad is that he is completely wrapped around his BPD/NPD mother's finger.  She controls and facilitates everything in his life,

There is nothing I can do except "save myself" and hope that in time he will see the light coming from my direction.  But how can he?  The light of the Borderline/Narcissist is so blindingly addicting and alluring.

My S24 has some BPD traits but the more he is away from his BPD momster, the better he is.  There are flair-ups but not at the instense as it use to be.  I think total NC would be best for him.

[OutOfEgypt]

I totally agree, but how do I tell him that?  He fawns over his mother.  Been chasing her his whole life.  I see him every once in a while, but he's constantly hanging out with and talking to her.  He wants it that way.  Plus, he doesn't even think he has a problem (sounds familiar).

[3 children]

S5. D12 D 18.   Yesterday in the midst of a bad one in front of all the kids.  My wife feeling betrayed by all of us turned to me and told me to leave,  tuned to d18 and told her to leave with me and then turned to d12 and told her the same.   I know this was devastating for both of them.  I can't explain the sheer disgust I feel towards her.   I'm not a perfect parent and don't claim to be. (She always reminds me of that) but I do know I would never tell my children to leave my house.  They will always be welcome in my home here or elsewhere.  I obviously immediately told them they are welcome and wanted with me wherever I live.  My wife of course justifies it and blames it on me and them.   The only word I can describe it as is disgusting.   In a way I m glad she is pushing them out.  Both of them are starting to see mom for who she is.   And I don't doubt (damage aside) that I will be in there lives no matter how this disaster turns out.  But like has been pointed out the damage has still been done.

[Dutched]

That kids take over and/or react in a certain way and/or develop into a kind of emotional avoiding person, I can relate to that.

Both kids are socially very active and have lots of contacts. Both have a group of friends, however not 1 or 2 really special close friends with whom they can conquer fire or share their problems. 

Until the break up of my family I always wondered the difference in behaviour with their mom around, so as being a family, and with just me. We talked, made fun, played, told me their feelings, in short everything, there was a deep mutual bond (since a few years however…)

With their mom? She never, really never played with them (excuses were always there, until they stopped asking), activities only in the save surroundings of our village. Making fun? Well making jokes, mimicking childish voices, etc. All was a kind of limited with creative handycraft projects.

Oh yes, she overwhelmed them with love, her love. In retrospect as “exclusive love objects” (which she later in a outburst defended like: “You have nothing to say about the kids!” Nice to hear… isn’t it? ).

Towards their mom, the kids developed emotional avoidance behaviour, somehow hollow, superficial.

A since childhood “instinctively” grown behaviour for self preservation, protection. 

Found the other day a scientific article:

‘Still-face’ interactions between mothers with borderline personality disorder and their 2-month-old infants

www.bjp.rcpsych.org/content/183/3/239.full

Based on that, the influence is already noticeable.

Although all my efforts it seems both kids developed more or less the same.

# avoid deep emotional subjects;

# concerning behaviour that crosses a line, they really can’t apologize! Only giving arguments to defend themselves, blaming circumstances, others, etc.

# positive criticism is accepted (but never acknowledged!) and can be seen in their behaviour, their acting.

# somehow a fear to be rejected if criticized by friends (venting at home in order to justify their behaviour for the injustice experienced), however not rejecting those friends.   

# emotionally look for fun activities, to do, to belong, to avoid an emptiness, etc.

# couldn’t / can’t  hold temper when confronted;

# need to vent with destruction of an object (throwing a remote control up to the destruction of their own mobile phone)

D, 23 yrs now, developed since childhood into a woman with “temperament”, at least as seen by others.

However, as exudBPDw left in that outburst, D went with her and within no time cut me out of her live.

(same as her mother did in an outburst to her parents when she was 18). History repeats itself in the next generation, the 3rd in fact, as mother of ex (and her brother/sisters show exactly the same emotional dysfunctional behaviours). Speaking of genetic “evidence”, of “it” running in families…   

S19 stayed with me. So 1 kid left, however I must really keep in mind the points a described above.

[Dutched]

3 children.

Have been there too.

Ex wanted me to leave after she threatened for the 1st time to end r/s.

The 2nd time she did it, I responded:  “you stop, you leave the house!”, she crumbled down. Tried to argument that a mother always gets custody, always is able to stay in the house, the man is forced to leave.

I “just” repeated my phrase.

Anyway that last and ultimate time, she left with a few boxes of necessities, later she filed for divorce.

I am still living in my house, together with my S19. D23 cut contact with me. 

What I am trying to tell is never to leave your house, special as in your case the kids are directly told to leave with you. Obviously your kids are astonished too, so  you are in a strong position.