Why can't I leave?

[StayOrLeave15]

My posts here are getting old.  They're all the same and I am just venting at this point. 

My uBPDgf is ruining my life.  She takes me to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.  I feel that she is systematically destroying my self-esteem and self-worth. 

She pulls the craziest behavior I have ever seen yet somehow it gets turned around on me.  I begin to think I am the crazy one but when I tell my family and friends they are surprised just how PATIENT and RATIONAL I can be.  They are all telling me I have to leave.  It will hurt but it is for my own good.

But I have never felt like this toward anyone. I want her in my arms forever.  I love her. 

Or do I just love the idea of her?  The highs.  When she is dysregulated it is downright scary.  She has taken me to a beautiful place that I didn't know existed and has punished me down to the worst place in the world when I have done nothing.

Help.

Please.  (In tears. Lost. Confused.)

[Samuel S.]

I empathize with you completely. Yes, the highs can be really highs, and the lows can be really lows. Like you say, a BPD can truly destroy or try to destroy your self-esteem and self-worth. It is a horrible rollercoaster ride you want to get off, but you love her. I would suggest that you think of all the pros and all the cons and try to come up with your own conclusion.

With my BPDw, even with all kinds of traditional and non-traditional therapies for over the last 10 years, she has gone from being divisive with my side of the family, to being so loving, to being so abusive, and now to being so neglectful. She was the one who brainwashed me by what she said: "She is the only one who loves and respects me." Now, it is highly questionable, now that she has suckered me in, only to be so neglectful and not really interested in our relationship.

No, you have not done anything wrong. They need chaos within themselves and instill into others.

As for help, besides thinking about the pros and cons of your relationship, it is suggested to have couple counseling. If she refuses to do so by giving all kinds of excuses, it is important for you to go instead, even if she gives all kinds of excuses why you shouldn't.

The best of luck, my friend!

[StayOrLeave15]

Thank you Samuel.

I'm not married.  We've been together six months.  I'm hardly 30.  Everything is telling me get out now.  But it feels like the deepest connection I have ever had in my life, and I have gone out with a good number of women, short- and long-term.

I cannot handle a lifetime of this or children with this woman.  Today she attacked my family for the first time.  Tried to split me against my brother.  He is probably the person I am closest to (even though I *FEEL* closer to her) in this world. 

However, the thought of being alone simply terrifies me.  I am addicted to her.  The way she looks.  The way she makes me laugh.  The way she smells.  Waking up next to her. 

She is absolute perfection and absolute hell at the same time.  I guess that's what BPD is.  Black and white.  All or nothing.  I can't live with her and can't live without her. 

Things are looking pretty bleak.

[StayOrLeave15]

That look in her eyes when she sees me.  When she holds me and never wants to let go.  The smile I get on my face when she texts or calls.  Sleeping next to her and feeling safe and calm.  The passionate sex and deep connection. No one in the world but me and her.

Then she paints me black (Thanks Mick Jagger).  Makes me feel like an absolute piece of garbage.  Confuses me to the point where I did something horrible when I have been nothing but compassionate to her feelings - GFY and your gaslighting. 

Like I said, I'm venting.  But I'm nearing a breaking point. 

We go to couples therapy.  SIX MONTHS and we go to couples therapy.  What the heck am I doing? Who does that? I guess I feel this relationship is worth it.

I wish she could just be stable.  She is my lover, my best friend, and my partner in life. 

Okay. Acceptance. Breathe.  This is what I've learned on my own in therapy.  She is who she is.  Can I handle this?  The answer is no.  But I want more.  Another hit of that drug.  I don't advocate doing drugs, but if you've done cocaine it feels like that.  A great high and a horrible low.  And the low is only fixed by doing more.  And the cycle goes on. 

So I wish she were a different person.  Actually I wish I'd never met her.  I'm smart, attractive, successful, young, etc.  Not bragging but trying to be objective.  She is ruining my life. 

[StayOrLeave15]

But maybe meeting her was a blessing in disguise.  I've fallen hard for girls before, but never like this.  My last long-term relationship was a sweet, caring, and (MOST IMPORTANTLY) rational girl.  She just wasn't the one and we had an amicable breakup. 

I've said in other posts my therapist thinks I may need to "hit bottom" to come to terms with my dependency issues. This pwBPD is my low point in life.  But that doesn't make it easy.  My anxiety disorder has come back and I feel the depression I've had in the past lurking.  But in the past my mental health problems came about for no reason.  Here there is a direct cause - my body is telling me GET OUT!.  Too bad my  won't let me.

I need to be strong.  I need to delete all her pictures, be clear about NC, and let her think she ended it.  But I'm not there yet.  I guess I haven't hit bottom.  My friends and family are in so much pain seeing me suffer.  Again, not bragging by any stretch, but my female friends call me a "catch" and a "good guy".  So What the heck am I doing with this girl. 

[willtimeheal]

Stayorleave

Get out now. Run for the hills and don't look back. You have hit the nail on the head... . these relationships are like drug addiction. In order to survive them you need to get out get a good therapist and stay away from her and her toxic ways.

As good as the highs are the lows are worse than hell. Walking g away is the hardest thing you will ever do but also the thing you will ever do for yourself. She isn't going to get better... . ever. You said you are just about 30. Do you really want  to live your life like this?  It is a long road to recovery from a BPD. Get on that road now!  It doesn't ... . She doesn't get better.  Save yourself.

[StayOrLeave15]

You're right Willtimeheal.  I've heard the same thing from my family and friends and my online crew Formflier, Waverider, and Goldylamont. I love you guys. 

The funny thing is, we just had the best stretch in our relationship.  Two weeks with many fights averted and stability and happiness.  So what does a pwBPD have to do?  Go digging for a reason to start trouble.  And that's what she did this afternoon.  Started a fight over nothing, but took it to the next level by zeroing in on my brother's girlfriend (most likely wife within a few years).  So to me, that's family. You don't mess with family.

It is going to be a long road.  But I live in a major city full of girls and I have a lot to offer. I need to look in the mirror - MAYBE WRITE IN MARKER ON MY MIRROR - "She isn't going to get better. You are lying to yourself, and every day you do that YOU are LETTING her degrade your self-esteem."

It is just the worst feeling in the world to think you know someone and they turn out to be somebody completely different.  It feels like someone in my life has died and is worse than any breakup I have ever gone through, even though we are still together. 

I promise you all, I am not arrogant.  I am trying to rebuild my self-esteem because she has shattered it.  By writing the following I am trying to remind myself of some things, not brag:

- I live in a major city

- I work very little in the summer but run a successful business

- I speak three languages and am well-traveled and cultured

- I'm in good shape

- Girls generally call me "cute" and "charming" and a nice break from the typical d-bags they meet

I need to tell myself I am a good person and I will not collapse without this incredibly unstable girl (I cannot call her a woman because her behavior is so incredibly immature).  I thank you all for your support.  I'm going to look into support groups in my city because like Willtimeheal said, it's going to be a long road.  That road entails taking care of myself, utilizing my support system of family and friends, and getting back out and dating, even if it is half-heartedly. 



THIS IS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE HARDEST UNDERTAKINGS OF MY LIFE, BUT THE OUTCOME IS WORTH IT.  IF I STAY HERE I AM ONLY LYING TO MYSELF AND THEN I AM THE ONE DEGRADING MY SELF-ESTEEM, NOT HER.

[BadKitty]

Wow. I am feeling exactly the same right at this very moment.

Why do I stay?

Why do I stay when I can't even show an emotion or express that I don't feel well?

This happened to me this morning, something I said, the tone in my voice, made him perceive me as "that character on Saturday Night Live, Debbie Downer." Whoa! I just woke up, I was not in a bad mood at all. What happened? I will never know.

I stay because I've never felt for someone like I feel for him. Even though I am sitting here all alone and abandoned, I am thinking of how much I love and cherish him. Is it because we went out and had a lovely dinner 2 nights ago? Or all those mornings he fixes me lunch for work before he goes to work? Is it the way he looks at me like I am the most perfect woman in the world and tells me he wants no other woman but me? The way it feels when he touches me?

Yes.

But it all comes crashing down at times like these. Why would I want someone who has no empathy whatsoever? Someone who can call me the worst of names when I've done nothing wrong at all? Someone who threatens to put all my things on the front porch for when I get home?

I am terrified of the fact that he doesn't want to live with me and I am going to have to move out with nothing but an empty apartment. I am terrified of losing him. I want to be with him.

I think we are addicted and scared. Maybe co-dependent.

I know how you feel. I wish I could find the strength to let go. Why can't we just let go?

My thoughts are with you.

[StayOrLeave15]

BadKitty,

Reading the wonderful things he does for you and how he makes you feel put tears in my eyes.  They are so capable of love and compassion yet can do things full of hate and destruction.

I just spoke to a good friend of mine who I would consider an "alpha-male" in all ways.  I was embarrassed to tell him that I am in an emotionally abusive relationship.  He told me something I never would have expected.  He was in the exact same place and told me that getting out was the best thing he ever did.  He said the longer we stay the more it hurts.  If there are no children or marriage in the picture, leaving seems the healthiest thing to do. 

Right now she and I aren't speaking.  A couple weeks ago I would be checking my phone every 2 minutes waiting to hear from her.  Fighting the urge to contact her.  But I am making a change.  I'm not going to talk to her.  Without doing something differently, nothing is going to change.  I am also showing myself that I WILL be okay without her and I have realized what a strong support system I have through my friends, family, and here. 

I am thinking that I am going to let it end and let her end it.  My self-esteem will survive and then I will not fear retaliation by her as much.  She may seem so loving to me but I need to tell myself she is a toxic person in my life.  She is bad for me.  She is damaging me again and again.  There are lots of women out there and in your case lots of men.  You will find someone else or be at peace being alone for a bit. 

Knowing that I need to end it I also know that I need to do something healthy for myself.  I am thinking of taking a trip out of the country to visit friends.  This will put a distance between us and not allow her to contact me so easily.  I say this with confidence (albeit a bit shaky): Leaving her may be one of the hardest things I do, but it will be one of the best decisions of my life.

[Samuel S.]

Stayorleave, I applaud you for knowing that you need to leave. While this is the case, there is one thing that concerns me. You want her to end the relationship. What if she does not want to end it? It sounds like you are waiting for her to tell you that she wants to end it. She may be happy just creating complete chaos. Unless you initiate the action, it may be a long time before she decides. In actuality, it is your decision to take care of your worth, your self. Indeed, there is a lot of fear, but a lot of courage for you to make the decision. I am afraid, and I don't have enough courage, but you can do it, because you can't handle it anymore.

[StayOrLeave15]

Samuel,

Yes I understand the concern but I don't think it will be a problem.  She tries to end it about once a month, although I feel it is a test to see if I come running back, begging.  Which I have done every time.  This time I'm going to play it cool and see what happens. 

The place where there should maybe be some fear is how she reacts once she realizes I'm not begging to have her back.  It will be completely new territory for her.  Maybe she will paint me black and never talk to me again - that is probably ideal.  But the other possibility is behavior that is even more erratic and irrational than it has been.  Retaliation, blackmail, lies to friends and colleagues, who knows. 

That's why I plan to go away out of the country for a bit.  Maybe that is cowardly but I think I am doing what is best for me putting a geographical distance between us, not to mention doing something nice for myself that is in the best interests of my mental health and well-being.

[BadKitty]

Oh, I hope I get the strength that you have. I need the strength that you have.

I am very aware that I would be better off without him just as you are aware that you are better off without her. The difference is that I have not made the leap. I keep hanging around, thinking and knowing that every time he breaks up with me, a day or two later it will be right back to him loving me.

A part of me is relieved to think he will be ending the lease and I will need to find a new place, the other part is devastated. I have about 3 more days until I know what is going to happen.

At this point I think I am fine either way.

I wish I could put distance between us like you are able to. That would make it a whole heck of a lot easier.

[StayOrLeave15]

Oh, I hope I get the strength that you have. I need the strength that you have.

I am very aware that I would be better off without him just as you are aware that you are better off without her. The difference is that I have not made the leap.

Well, I guess I'm not as strong as I think.  She reached out to me to make it clear we were no longer together (this happens once every two weeks or so), I responded, and said adults don't break up over text - they do it in person.  So we met up and instead of sealing the breakup we are immediately drawn to each other.  We start kissing we go back to my place.  But throughout all this, she is telling me she has a list of ultimatums, and if I don't agree with them we're done. 

So instead of just letting her go, I pull her back.  She is literally flipping every five minutes.  "I love you, you are my everything." Then "I can't do this.  You have to do everything I say if you want to stay together. You hurt me so much." 

We left off on a good note, acknowledged we are still a couple, then today she went digging for trouble.  Took something funny that happened and turned it into all the things I do wrong for her.  She said that, among other things, we were going to go through all my contacts and social media and delete all the "unnecessary girls".  The control and isolation tactics are insane.  But, I am so sick of fighting that I agree.  She can be the sweetest girl in the world (not to mention beautiful and seductive) but when she splits me I AM ABSOLUTELY TERRORIZED BY HER ANGER. SHE IS DOWNRIGHT SCARY AND KNOWS EXACTLY HOW TO HURT ME WORST. I'm clearly codependent.  The smart move is to walk away.  But instead, what did I do.  I gave in.  I said we could do what she asked. 

To actually do that - remove "unnecessary girls" (read: pretty, but not at all threats to the relationship) from my life - would deal such a blow to my self-esteem.  A healthy relationship does not have these controlling issues.  I've already deleted all my ex's and any flings, girls I dated, etc. To rational people there is nothing wrong with female friends.  The last girl I dated actually said, "Your ex is cute and it's good you guys could remain friends."  So at this point it is just her insanity. But when I said I would do it she said "I can't believe you finally get it.  You've seen the light, etc. I love you so much." 

We go to our couples therapist tomorrow night.  I am printing out the text conversation that has clearly abusive language and am going to see what happens.  But does it really matter? She isn't going to change. She'll say our therapist is stupid and that there's no point in going anymore. She is going to destroy my self-esteem and isolate me until I feel completely worthless.  But I feel like I can't live without her. 

Help.

[willy45]

Hey man. That is a tough one. I'm 2 years out of my relationship and still have trouble. I was were you are. I broke up with her 4 months in and kept getting sucked back. I then stayed for 6 years. 6 years! After one of her rages, I left. And it nearly broke me. Really. I'm ok now but she STILL contacts me. It has been a horrid time. My main regret is that I didn't leave and stay gone after 4 months. When I broke up with her the first time, I was bummed for a few weeks but fine. After breaking up after 6 years, destroyed. Same outcome.Broken up. Not with her. If I had left, I wouldn't have been destroyed, suffered through all the verbal and emotional abuse, not gotten PTSD, not been on these boards, not spent thousands on therapy, not be pinning for her 2 years later. Seriously. You want that? It's not worth it. The feeling you feel is fear. Listen to it. Figure out what draws you to this. Understand it. Get that under control. You can shore up your boundaries and be a million times better off in every area of your life. No judgement here. Trust me. And dude, it happens to the best of us. I'm rich, good looking, have girls after me all the time. But still I got broken. Take a deep breath and do what you THINK is right for you. Listen to your brain on this one.

[Theo41]

I finally figured out why I have not left after reading a post on this site. I will leave when the pain of staying is so great that it exceeds the perceive pain of leaving. Due to the normal times and periods of Idealization, the positive, while it may not outweigh the negative, is enough to outweigh the pain of divorce. THEO

[Narellan]

Hi SOL15.   I totally feel your pain. Your words are my words. I was with my exuBPD for 4 months and have never felt like that before. I believe he was my soul mate and he took me to places I've never been before. Heaven and hell. I'm left reeling and most times very lost. I didn't end it, he split on me after the most intense declarations of love only minutes earlier. He completely devastated my life. He destroyed my relationship with my parents, sister and my best friend of 20 years. My family have reconnected with me now 4 months later, and things are back on track there. But my exuBPD just started abusing my sister out of the blue a couple of weeks ago, still trying to get a response from me. We have been NC for 4 months. He also came to my door a couple weeks ago but I wasn't home.

The destruction was like nothing I'd ever experienced. I lost a lot of self respect and he damaged my reputation. He posted nude pics of me on FB, he " pretended" to be in love with me and I believed he was, then within hours of ditching me he was pursuing my best friend for a hook up. And I found that out by reading his FB messages.

Otherwise I'd probably still be with him oblivious to who he really is.

I'm happy I've been able to patch up relations with my family but I lost my best friend. I can't forgive her for the replies she gave him. And agreeing to meet up with him.

It's almost killed me. I believed I was the one he had waited for his whole life. I felt that way. But I meant it. Those feelings were very real and strong to me so it's almost killed me that he didn't feel that way at all. If he did he wouldn't have pursued my best friend.

I'm still so sickened by it all.

Thankfully he hasn't come back around or tried to contact me, although even that causes me pain and sadness. I still miss him. The him I thought was him. Which was all mirroring and giving me what I needed to be given.

SOL15 usually I could give some advice, but today isn't a good day and words fail me. This is BPD and it has long lasting devastating effects. She will cause chaos and confusion and devastation to your world. You can see that. Please take things slowly. Do everything in your power to prevent bringing a child into this. Despite what she might say on the subject, you need to be super proactive as often with BPD this is a dream they have to complete them.

Peace to you 

[LilHurt420]

I completely feel your pain.  I feel the same way towards my husband and that's what the last 10 years of my life have been like.  Even when we first met in college it was a feeling I had never ever felt before.  He can bring me to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.  And over the years the highs keep getting higher and the lows keep getting lower.  Only now I'm aware during the highs that the lows will follow and it saddens me.  Now being married and almost 2 kids on the way, I'm stuck and trying my best to work this out.  I love him, but just wish things could be normal.

I noticed you are only 6 months into this.  My words of advice is RUN!  If I could go back 10 years and tell my self what I know now, I'd tell myself to run.  There were so many red flags back then, but I had no idea what it was.  Since you have knowledge early on about what is wrong, please take that and run.  Maybe she will take it as a sign and get help and one day be back.  But for your work sanity... .please run!

[Caredverymuch]

I completely feel your pain.  I feel the same way towards my husband and that's what the last 10 years of my life have been like.  Even when we first met in college it was a feeling I had never ever felt before.  He can bring me to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.  And over the years the highs keep getting higher and the lows keep getting lower.  Only now I'm aware during the highs that the lows will follow and it saddens me.  Now being married and almost 2 kids on the way, I'm stuck and trying my best to work this out.  I love him, but just wish things could be normal.

I noticed you are only 6 months into this.  My words of advice is RUN!  If I could go back 10 years and tell my self what I know now, I'd tell myself to run.  There were so many red flags back then, but I had no idea what it was.  Since you have knowledge early on about what is wrong, please take that and run.  Maybe she will take it as a sign and get help and one day be back.  But for your work sanity... .please run!

I agree with you. I feel the shared pain with all here.  Its devastating but despite, so much better when you are no longer in these situations.  It takes therapy and continual support to heal but I recall something I read here.  You need to stay away from the traumatic experience to heal from the trauma. Even though I loved my expBPD so greatly and shared all the highs and deepest connections on earth that we all have, its much better now.  We have all been there in that incredible pain and I am sending support and hopes for healing to you all on your individual journeys.  Staying away and NC was the only way for me to heal. 

[StayOrLeave15]

I still miss him. The him I thought was him.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice.  It is so clear that I have to leave and initiate NC. 

The six words Narellan said are what jumped out to me the most.  If we only look at the highs in our partners and write off the lows, we are only deluding ourselves.  And yes, it is early in the relationship.  I don't want the rest of my life to be like this.

I've been telling myself, "I'll leave her when I get to a better place" or "Things are going to get better."  But that is simply not true. 

1. Staying with her will put me in a worse place.

2. Things are not going to get better.  She is only going to get worse.

I need to remove myself from the situation, get through the withdrawal, and move on with my life. 

She tells me she loves me.  But if you loved someone, would you do the things you know hurt them the most?  Hold them hostage by their emotions and terrorize them with anger?  Act like a child with tantrums and silent treatments? No. That is not love.  That is emotional terrorism and pure cruelty. And I will not put up with it anymore. 

I just hope I have it in me to let it end.  Not go running back.  Don't take her bait.  Get on with my life and end the fear and suffering.  Because I have realized I live in fear on a daily basis.  Fear of her anger.  Fear of her rage.  Fear of how she is going to hurt me next.  I need to get out. 

[Narellan]

SOL15 it's not easy to walk away or stay away. Even though you know its what's best it's a tough road. There's not a minute in the day that I don't think of him and miss him. I hope that will fade in time. In fact I know it will. Once you make the decision you've made you need to put that decision above everything else, every day. Even when she contacts you begging for more. You must do this for yourself. It's easier if there's NC.

You are dead right. If you stay she will get worse. But more importantly so will you.

My thoughts are with you. Peace 

[willtimeheal]

You need to get a good therapist to help you rebuild your self esteem. You stay because she has knocked you down to nothing. You feel you are worthless without her. I was there. I know the feeling well. She took my self esteem and self worth and crushed it. Then I went to therapy and I found a great therapist. Slowly I built myself back up. Now I know how to set boundaries and how to speak up for myself. I will never allow anyone crush my self esteem or belittle me again. I have learned how to care for myself. That is what you need to do. You need to find a good therapist to help you find yourself again.

[Veronykah]

I'm also going to say get out now. Seriously.

I just left my uBPDexbf a week or so ago, we were together for 2.5 years.

Now I look back at all the times I could have left and think, where would I be today if I had just done it then?

All the pain and the drama and the life sucking being with him took from me for the past 2.5 years.

Yes, we had AMAZING times, he was my best friend and I love him more than anyone I've ever met in my life.

But looking back at the relationship as a whole it was bad, bad, bad from the get go.

Don't let yourself be fooled by how in love you are with her, it will not get better and the longer you drag it out the more you will lie to yourself about how it's not that bad. It will get worse. Believe me and everyone else here. It's only been 6 months. It will be hard, otherwise we ALL would have done it sooner. Leave.

[peiper]

I'm also going to say get out now. Seriously.

I just left my uBPDexbf a week or so ago, we were together for 2.5 years.

Now I look back at all the times I could have left and think, where would I be today if I had just done it then?

All the pain and the drama and the life sucking being with him took from me for the past 2.5 years.

Yes, we had AMAZING times, he was my best friend and I love him more than anyone I've ever met in my life.

But looking back at the relationship as a whole it was bad, bad, bad from the get go.

Don't let yourself be fooled by how in love you are with her, it will not get better and the longer you drag it out the more you will lie to yourself about how it's not that bad. It will get worse. Believe me and everyone else here. It's only been 6 months. It will be hard, otherwise we ALL would have done it sooner. Leave.

I can relate to this on so many levels. Except there is a small part deep inside that wants her back hoping it could work somehow.

[Veronykah]

[/quote]
I can relate to this on so many levels. Except there is a small part deep inside that wants her back hoping it could work somehow.[/quote]
Believe me, there is a part of me that keeps trying to figure out how I could make it work. I wish with all my heart there was a way I could be with him, but as the days pass I think I am realizing more and more and accepting it just isn't reality.

"Well if he went to hardcore therapy, there have been success stories... ."

Dumb things like that.

[peiper]

I think the very same dumb things and reality sets in. I know she will contact me again and want to come back and I could do it. But just how long would that honeymoon stage last, a week, maybe a month and Id be right back here. Hurting, only probably hurting more.

[StayOrLeave15]

I can relate to this on so many levels. Except there is a small part deep inside that wants her back hoping it could work somehow.

Wow, I feel like all of you are reading my mind. 

Willtimeheal - I have what I think is a very good therapist who I see twice a week.  He knows that if I felt better about myself I would not put up with her behavior or have these codependency issues.  I wonder if his approach is a little soft and he lets me get away with too much rather than just telling me GET OUT. 

Last night we broke up at couples therapy.  She said she wants nothing to do with me.  I said the same. Then she came back to my house to get her things.  But then we started talking.  Then cuddling.  Then kissing.  Then we have sex and talk until late at night.  Cry together.  But we still say it's over and say goodbye in the morning.

Today there was a lot of back and forth texting of how we miss each other and how we love each other but we are better apart and we are going to "help each other get through this".  It's as if we are still a couple.  I'm at fault for not instituting no contact.  I guess I don't have it in me yet.  But the longer I stay like this the harder it will be.  That is the sick catch-22 that is loving a pwBPD. 

The newest development is she says we will be "best friends".  I don't know what that entails other than we will still be in contact.  Probably not the best idea, but the empty feeling without her is too much to bear right now.  But I need to find a way to move on. 

[Narellan]

Very sad SOL15 ... From my experience " best friends" means you're no longer together but that you will still be told about every other new guy or problem or emotion she might be having. When you're " friend zoned" it means you no longer deserve to be their partner but they don't want to let you go entirely. You will be used as a sounding board for any and everything and she will use you for sex/ money/ conversation/ basically anything convenient to her. This is BPD. Who wants friends like this?

I can tell you a clean break in the long term will hurt far less than her lingering in your life creating havoc and giving you advice.

It will definitely keep you hooked and confused.

You aren't ready to let her go, but she has let you go. You have no choice but to set boundaries so that she doesn't walk in and out and all over you anymore.

NC is recommended for a good reason. She will basically go on the same as before, treat you the same, feel entitled to the same benefits only she is now free to pursue other men. And you will be the " friend" she offloads all the nitty gritty info to. Please don't do this to yourself. It's impossible to remain friends with someone you are addicted to and in love with.

Peace 

[Veronykah]

I think the very same dumb things and reality sets in. I know she will contact me again and want to come back and I could do it. But just how long would that honeymoon stage last, a week, maybe a month and Id be right back here. Hurting, only probably hurting more.

That is a huge reason why I think it is going to work for me this time and I am committed to staying away, I'm getting away from the deep searing sorrow and know that if I go back I'll just have to do it all over again and again and again.

I've already sobbed, curled in the fetal position on the floor crying harder than I EVER have in my life for him more times than I can count. I don't want to go back there and recycling will just take me right back there.

I've wasted too much of my time on him, my life is nowhere because I've focused on HIM for 2.5 years. I can't anymore and have to keep reminding myself of these things.

[willtimeheal]

You can't be friends with a BPD. They will continue to suck the life out of you. You need to distance yourself. Be one strong and take care of yourself. By being friends that gives her your power still and she has full control. Why would you ever want a friend like that?  If she wasn't there for you in the relationship what makes you think she will be there as a friend?  She is using you for her needs. She doesn't care about you. If you want to recover you need to remove her from your life... .at least for now.

[Caredverymuch]

You need to get a good therapist to help you rebuild your self esteem. You stay because she has knocked you down to nothing. You feel you are worthless without her. I was there. I know the feeling well. She took my self esteem and self worth and crushed it. Then I went to therapy and I found a great therapist. Slowly I built myself back up. Now I know how to set boundaries and how to speak up for myself. I will never allow anyone crush my self esteem or belittle me again. I have learned how to care for myself. That is what you need to do. You need to find a good therapist to help you find yourself again.

Extremely well said and exactly how I felt. Thank you for sharing. The gains earned from these destructive experiences make you much stronger and healthier. It takes time and therapy and the ability to really care about yourself. When you learn how to protect yourself with boundaries and rebuilt self esteem, you will likely never allow anyone to crush that again. And you learn all about red flags, and you see them almost right away, which also keeps your boundaries intact.