I am about to push the eject button

[half-life]

It was a emotionally turbulent week for me. My wife was out of town with the kids. I was privately looking for a house for the kids and myself. It was a very competitive market out there. I found a place I like and I know it is going to cost dearly. I was bidding against many other affluent and desperate buyers and I have little confidence to succeed. The anticipation of the outcome, and a likely defeat, tormented me.

I was exulted to find out I have prevailed in the bid. That pushed me into the next phrase to finally confess to her my intention for separation. Since I have already make a big move to buy a house in private, which has progressed at a much quicker pace than I have predicted, this is going to intensify her shock and possibly trigger a deep sense of betrayal. I have great deal of fear of this confrontation. I don't think I have done anything in bad faith. Even many smaller decisions I have made in our life, they were always difficult in front of her and I have always feared for her reaction. I don't think it is possible for me to do anything any better.

I am quite certain the only sensible thing for us to do is separation. Still I am feeling guilty that I am abandoning her. It is a good thing that we are not in a conflict mode in the these few weeks so we are not doing this while we are at rage. In calm days like this, the decisions we made are hopefully thoughtful ones. As I went through my internal turbulence in these few days my emotion has slowly subsided to become more calm. I have considered separation many times. She has threatened me of separation many times. And neither of us have done anything to follow through. We let things slide and we got stuck in the same pattern repeatedly. I am about the push the big red eject button. I the one to take action to get the ball rolling. There will be short term shock and pain. But ultimately it is for the best. It will free us from the bondage and suffering.

I have no one to confide to besides here. I look at the Goddess of Mercy left behind by my mother. I pray to her to be the angel to watch over me.

[Tausk]

Hi HL:

Decision such as the one that have before you are so very difficult.  I didn't have kids with my ex so it was easier for me.  Remember that there's a coparenting board and a divorce board. 

But also continue to share here.  We understand the Fear, Obligations and Guilt  The FOG was so think that I couldn't even function. 

We are here.  We understand.

You aren't alone,

T

[Narellan]

Half life big hugs to you. I admire your courage and bravery. It's a huge step. You know you are on the right path when you sense that calm you have now.

I know exactly what you mean about threatening to do it so many times then procrastinating. I did that for 12 years! But then I knew when the time was right when being there with him felt so wrong. It really took me a long time to get the courage to leave. But my children thank me now and we are all really much happier.

I think you've handled it well. There will probably be some raging, but you have a place to go to now to escape that abuse and manipulation.

I wish you and your children peace and happiness. 

[coleen83]

Thanks for sharing. I find strength through the other people on this board. I just found this board yesterday. I understand what you are saying completely. I remember the last time I was out trying to find my own place, how stressful it was thinking of separating from my daughter but there was also an excitement to be on my own and away from the ups and downs that plagued my life. I know its so overwhelming now, but I believe it will only get better for you. Thats great you found a house. Sending good thoughts and wishes your way.

[half-life]

She was really blindsided when I told her I want a divorce. She has never expected I would do this. I guess the one thing I all did too well all along is to become silent and withdraw in front of all the problems. She has refused to accept this and insisted we work on our relation, possibly seeking outside help. It hurt to see that I'm hurting her.

A small comfort is after all her abuses and threats of divorce, she said it was due to rage and she does not really hate me after all. She wants us to get together after all.

I told her I have already done everything I can, only to see it backfire so many times. I not nothing more to offer. I told her I have already figuratively left the house. She want us to make earnest effort to improve. It is only reasonable to ask to have an opportunity to fix thing. I was made to agree to it. Perhaps this give her more time to digest and come to realize the inevitable. I just don't see how people can change in a profound way. I don't have faith, nor do I have any new approach more than what I am currently doing, to improve the relationship.

I feel like we are chess players. The board looks confusing to her and she is trying hard to figure out the next move. I look at the board and I can see five moves ahead and I already know how it is going to end. But I am not able to communicate to her what I see because our minds are on different level.

I feel cruel that I cannot make any earnest effort that she has asked for.

[half-life]

I have also noticed another BPD issue during our long discussion. At one time she complaint that I choose her most trouble distressed, most vulnerable time to do this to her. This is not true because first she is distressed all the time, and today is not special. And second I really did not choose a date. Any date is much like today. Her response is I have distorted her words. What she mean is she is distressed and vulnerable. And she might have say something stronger due to her rage.

There is a world of difference between "she is vulnerable" and "I choose to hurt her when she is vulnerable". The former is actually endearing to say one feel vulnerable. The later is an accusation that I intentionally hurt her. Our relationship will be much better if she use first first expression rather than the later.

It is easy to brush off her words as unintentional rage. But today I notice something more. When she tried to explain this, she is in her rational self. Other times she is in her emotional self. The rational self is actually disconnected from her emotional self. When she tried to explain things away as a normal person would, she does not recognize the emotional self as it is. Her rational self is trying so hard to reason and make improvement but it is all futile if it does not recognize the emotional devil.