The calm before the storm...

[HealingSpirit]

Break out the champagne!  We've gone a whole week without a single rage from BPDD17.  And since I've been practicing S.E.T., she's even been pretty nice to me.  I almost recognize the sweet, beautiful little girl she used to be.  I'm grateful for the break, but I know it won't last.  DD lost her summer dishwashing/bussing job after just 2 weeks.  Her boss told her the staff were impressed by her hard work and work ethic, but they felt it was "too strenuous" for her.  DD was very disappointed and cried, but she got over it fairly quickly.  She had several friends over to swim this past weekend, which cheered her up.  So, even though she's potentially home all summer with nothing to do, so far, she's relaxed and enjoying the time off.

However, last night, my S-I-L called to ask me if there was cause for celebration for a different reason.  Apparently, my DD17 posted on Facebook that she is engaged to her BF.  Don't you just LOVE finding out about your kids' plans on Facebook?  NOT!  We knew DD has been planning to move across the country to live with her BF the week she turns 18... . which is coming up in October.  DH and I are trying to play it very cool, but inside, I'm going crazy!  I know we can't stop her, but we can appeal to the rational, budding-adult side of her whenever that surfaces.  During a good spell, DH told her, "When you move, you need to be on equal footing with your BF.  You'll need to have your own apartment, your own car, a job, etc.  It isn't fair to expect your BF to pay for all those things for you.  That will put too much stress on him and on your r/s."  She heard him, but through rose-colored glasses.  She thinks she has everything solved and figured out. (I remember being a know-it-all at that age too.)

But DD has NO IDEA what she will be giving up when she moves!  She has lived in So. Calif. all her life.  She has several friends here, she's enrolled in junior college, she has lots of extended family who love her, not to mention her T, with whom she has great rapport.  She struggles with executive function, can't manage money, has NO IDEA how it feels to go to work every day, and then come home and cook and clean up after yourself.  (Not to mention doing all the grocery shopping and paying for it all yourself.) 

The timing of her impending move will make it impossible for her to continue with college for at least 6 months.  The whole experience will be a rude awakening for her, and even though she will certainly learn from it, I fear it will put too much strain on both DD and BF.  He has anger management issues, so when DD rages and BF is her ONLY friend and source of support, it will be all be directed at him. (Poor guy.)  I'm seriously afraid she could drive him to violence, which would ruin both their lives.  Or she'll become suicidal when they inevitably have a fight.

DH and I doubt their r/s will last long, but the collateral damage from it could be worse than anything she's gone through so far.  I just PRAY she doesn't get pregnant!  It isn't very likely, as she has polycystic ovarian syndrome. But, she doesn't do a very good job taking her BC Pill every day, so her hormones aren't under control like they're supposed to be. -sigh-

I know my worrying about it isn't constructive.  Worry won't change the outcome.  But how do you stop yourself from worrying when everything inside you is screaming this is a BAD IDEA?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

wow, HealingSpirit, I am sorry that you have to deal with all of this crap, even though your dd is currently not raging. I suppose I was somewhat lucky during my dd's teen years, she did rage and even self mutilated, 3 suicide attempts before she was 18, but she didn't date, no drugs or alchohol either. I am not sure I would have been able to deal with it had it added any of these components.

I wish I could give you some great advice, but I am learning how to use the tools myself, and am not feeling qualified to offer anything more than support. You have been a great help to me recently, so my advice to you, is try and take your own advice.

and as everybody reminds me, take time to take care of yourself.

[HealingSpirit]

Thank you Tristesse,

You have helped me as well, just by listening!  It helps so much to know I can come here and vent to people who really KNOW what it's like.  I am doing my best to see friends, go to my weekly painting class, read books, cuddle with my doggies, etc.  I have just started walking every morning with a friend before work and THAT is lifting my mood immensely. 

I am just realizing more and more (now that I know the BPD is the problem), that even when things are going well, it's hard to fully relax because I know the bottom will fall out again at some point.  It's a constant energy drain, which explains the chronic fatigue and trouble sleeping. I never realized I had a kind of constant, low-grade anxiety.  Since my DD was born, there has been and still is underlying stress, even when things are calm.  I wonder if you or anyone here has ideas that help reduce the stress of wondering when the next storm is coming? 

[Birdi]

Dear HealingSpirit,

When my own DD was in her teens, I had never even heard of BPD. When she would rage (which she has done since jr high school), none of us understood why she acted that way. She had no control of her emotions at all. And she paid no attention to the rules we laid down that the other kids had no problem obeying. She was just wild. And she did end up pregnant. And and abortion. All secretly. She had a whole secret life that she kept from us. There's no way of knowing how many relationships she has ruined over the years by her craziness! I've finally learned after over 20 years of it that I can't control her. I can't control her behavior. I can hardly keep my sanity or health intact. You're doing good by walking and doing things with friends and not trying to control your DD. Her behavior is self-destructive, and she will take you down with her if you allow her to. No, worrying won't change anything. Neither will your attempts to change the outcome of her actions. Believe me. Been there, done that. Keep your chin up. You don't have to self-destruct with her! 

[HealingSpirit]

Thank you Tristesse and Birdi,

It's helpful to know that even though it's a bUmPy road ahead, my DD can survive to adulthood.  (If I don't kill her first.  I now understand why some animals eat their young.  LOL!)

Thank you for reminding me to take care of myself!  I am working on it.  Coming here (to this board) has been a HUGE relief for me.  Even though I've been in therapy, getting together with friends, painting, spending time with DH, and trying to take care of myself, it hasn't been enough because I was still feeling so alone and so guilty, and the constant undercurrent of worry that I have not even been aware of until recently.   Perhaps this is what normal mothers of "normal" teenagers experience?  We love them, so we worry, even though it doesn't help matters.

[pessim-optimist]

Yay for you, HealingSpirit - it's wonderful to hear that some of the tools are already working for you!

Perhaps this is what normal mothers of "normal" teenagers experience?  We love them, so we worry, even though it doesn't help matters.

That's definitely part of it, having teenagers isn't exactly the "worry free" stage of parenting. 

I am just realizing more and more (now that I know the BPD is the problem), that even when things are going well, it's hard to fully relax because I know the bottom will fall out again at some point.

... .I wonder if you or anyone here has ideas that help reduce the stress of wondering when the next storm is coming?

Believe it or not, but actually knowing that the bottom will fall out at some point, and that there isn't much you can do about that in-an-of itself helps reduce the stress of worrying IF it will happen, and trying to prevent the inevitable.

With time and more tools and strategies learned, you will also gain more confidence in being able to weather some of those storms rather well, and that will reduce the anxiety as well.

Unfortunately, I cannot promise an anxiety-free future. Having a child w/BPD will always contain some of the unknown and potential for chaos/worry. But it does get better... .

[Thursday]

Hi Healing Spirit,

Since letting go of the tether that kept my DH and me too tightly wrapped up in BPDSD's emotional  turmoil and chaotic life, we have definitely seen that allowing her to stumble and fall is the way she learns... .and by this I mean she learns and the information stays with her. And sometimes she has to make the same mistakes several times before the learning takes hold.

Her mental issues keep her stubbornly holding onto her faulty perceptions and until she gets a burn with a painful blister she keeps touching the hot stove. (and this isn't simply a metaphor... .when I first started parenting her at 14-15 she DID touch hot things after being reminded that she could get burned and she continued to do so until after I quit telling her to be careful).

I found it got easier to sit back and watch once I understood how she learns life's hard lessons. I've also learned, through this holding back, that sometimes the terrible things that I imagine do come true but they are seldom as bad as I imagine in terms of outcomes.

When I was suspicious that she was using RX drugs (gained illicitly) for recreation and escape I was certain this was the worst thing that could ever happen. Actually though, she got clean by her own decision and has stayed clean and along the path to sobriety she has done a bit of self-reflection and she has grown up a bit. We have very little impact and control over her life at this point and she is doing pretty good really.

Right now we are watching as she is making choices towards buying a car. We state our opinions and tell her the choices are hers to make. We are validating her thoughts. For sure, she isn't going to make GREAT choices but she will no doubt figure out her poor choices and learn what would have been a better choice if/when she can't make the payments, she struggles to pay the note, the car gets repossessed, etc.

I appreciate and agree with pessim's assessment that

actually knowing that the bottom will fall out at some point, and that there isn't much you can do about that in-an-of itself helps reduce the stress of worrying IF it will happen, and trying to prevent the inevitable.

It is so easy to get caught up in the vicious cycle of worry, nagging, more worry, fretting, hand wringing, sleepless nights... .and all that goes along with parenting a BPD kid. It is harder (so hard) to step back and watch the chips fall. But those chips ARE going to fall and the falling is what gives our kids a chance to grow. SUCH a tough, tough thing to learn. So backa$$wards, isn't it?

thursday

[HealingSpirit]

Thank you Pessim-optimist and Thursday!

You two are both such great role models for me!  I have been stepping back--out of necessity--because I'm so tired of being beaten up for doing what I thought was just being a good parent.  Now that I know we're dealing with a bona-fide mental disorder, I know my attempts at "parenting" the way I've been doing it just won't work.

Rapt Reader, I appreciate your wisdom and personal experience immensely!  You have shared so much valuable advice here, I do feel a renewed sense of hope that I can learn more effective ways of dealing with my BPDD.  I'm very aware that some of my "worry" is really more of a sense of loss because it is obvious people with BPD act like impulsive teenagers well into their 20s and 30s.  That is a long time to deal with this "parenting-a-teenager" stress that is only supposed to last 7-10 years, not decades.  I was looking forward to being a happy "empty nester" with time to finally pursue my own goals and dreams with DH.  And because she doesn't have the life skills to be on her own yet, I know too that our DD will wind up needing to come home on a moment's notice.  Hence, the grief.

Thursday,

That is great news that your DD decided to get clean all on her own!  You are so right about stepping back and letting them learn life's lessons their own way. I think I've always known this intuitively, but like you said, I have found it soo hard to carry out, especially when she was young.  Perhaps once DD is 18, it will be easier because DH and I will no longer be legally responsible for her behavior.  And, her "adulthood" will relieve the societal expectation that we parents are supposed to have control over our kids' behavior and choices.  Everyone here has done the best we could, including me!  One of my biggest challenges is having to pay the consequences for HER drama.  I know setting clear boundaries and limits can help reduce some of that, but I haven't figured out how to prevent the bulk of her drama from affecting us.  Now I realize why... .it's because I can't---due to her disorder.  Is this what they mean by "radical acceptance"? 

I found it got easier to sit back and watch once I understood how she learns life's hard lessons. I've also learned, through this holding back, that sometimes the terrible things that I imagine do come true but they are seldom as bad as I imagine in terms of outcomes.

You are so wise!  I'm not particularly religious, but I am spiritual.  I think you have described the very spiritual essence of faith.  I forget to have faith that things seldom turn out as badly as I imagine them.  The more I pay attention to the result I don't want, the more that negative result shows up.  What a conundrum!

Thank you all so much for sharing your wisdom!  I find it so comforting!

[pessim-optimist]

I forget to have faith that things seldom turn out as badly as I imagine them. 

I love this quote from Mark Twain: 'I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.' It helps me keep the worries at bay and puts things in perspective.