The abusive relationship

[lalove714]

Im just curious... I'm sure most of us have suffered the emotional abuse of a partner or ex partner with BPD. Im wondering how often this emotional abuse turns to physical or if its purely a mental thing with this disorder? Just curious !

[ATLandon]

I certainly can't speak for everyone here but my uBPDwife has been emotionally abusing me from the very beginning of our relationship. Eventually, the emotional/mental abuse turned into physical because her rages didn't phase me anymore. When I started ignoring or laughing at her (in other words, I invalidated her to her core to the tenth power) when she would fly into a rage then she started hitting and slapping me to get her point across. Then in more recent years came the financial abuse. It seems like she took baby steps with the abuse, as far as escalation goes and the severity of it.

[Forestaken]

Like ATLandon, my story is similiar.

1) Isolation from friends (me & our marriage or your "so-call' friend)

2) Isolation from my family (mae her family events festive, my family events-conflictful)

3) Controlling (no cell phone, constant questioning)

4) Emotional, verbal

5) Physical to things (breaking items of mine)

5) Physical (punching, slapping, scratching, hair pulling)

6) Financial (not allowed to have credit cards, cash, only small amount of coins)

[wishfulthinking]

Mine has definintely changed from verbal/emotional to physical.  We are not speaking right now due to an altercation yesterday morning.  I've told him it is no longer tolerated and he needs to get help.  I can't afford a divorce right now and can't legally get him out of my house, so in silence we live. This is my fault, of course.

[Forestaken]

I can't afford a divorce right now and can't legally get him out of my house, so in silence we live. This is my fault, of course.

I decided to divorce her May 2, 2012.  The final decree was completed May 9, 2014. We're still cleaning up marital assets.

Can he afford to divorce you?  I'm not pushing you to see a L but money can be made, time not.

[wishfulthinking]

Forestaken,

No.  He has no money.  He has been not working regularly for the almost 2 years we've been together.  Many empty promises on helping financially that never come to fruition.  I've lost thousands of dollars to him.  I can't pay my own bills right now because him and half the time his son are there and my bills that I could pay before on my own went up.  Electric, water, sewer, insurance, phone... .all went up and I have received probably $700 in help (groceries) in the time we've been together.  I have defaulted on 2 credit cards and can't pay my electric bill this month.  He was fired last month from his last 3 month job and he hasn't gone to his current job in a week.

[Forestaken]

I read in another thread that he was physcial with you. (?)

Have you thought about reaching out to abuse shelters? Women's groups?

I bet you're not the first person to have this situation.

[wishfulthinking]

The ones around here expect me to pack and leave.  They won't help otherwise.  THe house is mine.  I've owned it 12 years and he moved in with me.  I can't leave my house.  Not making excuses.  This is just a fact.

[Forestaken]

The ones around here expect me to pack and leave.  They won't help otherwise.  THe house is mine.  I've owned it 12 years and he moved in with me.  I can't leave my house.  Not making excuses.  This is just a fact.

In your name alone?  Can you get him out?

Look, I might be over reacting but I gotta admit I am very sensitire about abuse. Especially physical and financial.  I was able to re-fi my house a few weeks ago - I know she hates it. 

[ATLandon]

Like ATLandon, my story is similiar.

1) Isolation from friends (me & our marriage or your "so-call' friend)

2) Isolation from my family (mae her family events festive, my family events-conflictful)

3) Controlling (no cell phone, constant questioning)

4) Emotional, verbal

5) Physical to things (breaking items of mine)

5) Physical (punching, slapping, scratching, hair pulling)

6) Financial (not allowed to have credit cards, cash, only small amount of coins)

I have actually read almost the same line of escalating abuse in other male posters stories on BPD family. The only thing I can add to this is how all of this behavior, especially in the beginning, is all about control and what lengths we will bend to their requests/demands. I think especially for guys, when sex is great (and it almost always is in the first few months with a BPD woman) then we voluntarily give up our personal wants and needs in exchange for the sex. Its very easy to be tamed, groomed, and controlled under these circumstances and so the groundwork (for further control and future abuse) is laid for the rest of the relationship.

[Forestaken]

Like ATLandon, my story is similiar.

1) Isolation from friends (me & our marriage or your "so-call' friend)

2) Isolation from my family (mae her family events festive, my family events-conflictful)

3) Controlling (no cell phone, constant questioning)

4) Emotional, verbal

5) Physical to things (breaking items of mine)

5) Physical (punching, slapping, scratching, hair pulling)

6) Financial (not allowed to have credit cards, cash, only small amount of coins)

I think especially for guys, when sex is great (and it almost always is in the first few months with a BPD woman) then we voluntarily give up our personal wants and needs in exchange for the sex. Its very easy to be tamed, groomed, and controlled under these circumstances and so the groundwork (for further control and future abuse) is laid for the rest of the relationship.

Sex is the bait but it's peace that is exchanged instead of abuse.

[ATLandon]

Sex is the bait but it's peace that is exchanged instead of abuse.

Could you expand on that? I'm not quite sure I follow what you mean by "peace." Perhaps because I have found very little over the years.

[Forestaken]

Sex is the bait but it's peace that is exchanged instead of abuse.

Could you expand on that? I'm not quite sure I follow what you mean by "peace." Perhaps because I have found very little over the years.

A little history:

Our dating time was great, we seem in sync with everything and she made me feel like a king in every

way.

In marriage, she was frigid.  Unable to provide sex, she thought I was getting it elsewhere.  I was not.

Accusation of infidelity emerged after her brother-in-law (her sister’s H) was caught cheating.

•   Verbal accusations (in front of the children)

•   Emotional punishments (in front of the children)

•   Physical abuse (in front of the children)

•   Financial abuse (in front of the children)

I would anything for her to keep the appearance of having a normal peaceful life for my kids.  I would cook, clean, parent, hw, etc – give in to her shopping trips (with me never alone).

My goal was peace for the kids because she didn’t care how they felt.  Her desires were first and the only thing that mattered

[silentpartner]

Wishful thinking - you CAN legally get him out of your house. It's your house, he's abused you, there's no need to involve a lawyer at all, just call the police and he'll be the one looking for a lawyer.

You may not be ready for this at the moment but it helps to know your options.

[3 children]

Eventually, the emotional/mental abuse turned into physical because her rages didn't phase me anymore. When I started ignoring or laughing at her (in other words, I invalidated her to her core to the tenth power) when she would fly into a rage then she started hitting and slapping me to get her point across.


Wow exactly my situation.   Very hard for me to stay calm and night fight back.  Haven't figured out fully how to let go some of the horrible things said.   But there has been occasions where I have done just as described and when I have... .Holy hell! Not only physical to me but trashing the house burning things in the bath tub.   Last night I had had enough and was going to leave.   Wouldn't listen to her.  She grabbed my arms pretty hard to get my attention so I pulled one away took out my phone and started to call police(speed dial) when she realized I was serious she stopped by the verbal went to a new level too.   Don't know how much more I can take!

[AimingforMastery]

3 Children - all I can say, is do everything you can to stay calm. Once police get involved I imagine it can be a bit of a crap shoot.

[tbddbt]

Same here. At first it was emotional and it keeps escalating. I've gone to great lengths to try to restrain her from hurting me or herself but then she grabs whatever she can and throws it back at me . I recently have received a broken nose and a scar on my upper lip along with the bruises and scratches. During one of her outbursts, she ended up kicking at me and hitting furniture, etc and she bruised her legs pretty badly (this was after I was able to dodge a full wine bottle she swung at me). A week later, she demanded I apologize for bruising her legs. When I reminded her that she bruised her own legs, she said it was because I had hit her (I didn't). The scary thing was how she seemed to convince herself that it happened that way. She also denied swinging the bottle at me.

When I sense an outburst coming, I stop talking to her and lay on the couch, covering my head with a pillow. This doesn't work anymore because she will sit on me, pull my hair, throw things at me and punch my stomach to try to get me to engage her. Thats why, when she starts doing that, I get up and put my arms around her to restrain her.

I've tried to leave the house during those times, but she puts herself in a position that I would have to hurt her to get away. If I make it to the car, she will jump on top of the car or lay down behind the wheel.

[hurting300]

What about us the non's? I would blow my top at ex BPD girlfriend. She would lie and I'd have proof and she'd still deny. I'd start screaming. She didn't rage but once or twice in the 18 months we was together. It was mainly covert abuse. Lies, undermined me, smear campaign so on. Now she did slap me once but I'll give that one to her.

[LoveNotWar]

With my ex verbal abuse quickly turned into physical abuse because his verbal tirades weren't getting him the results he was looking for, specifically, I was able to appear to cope with his verbal stuff and he wasn't controlling me through the verbal tantrums.

Once the physical started the escalation was even more breathtaking. In October he threw a book at me, by January he tried to burn the house down with me in it. That's when I was able to have him placed on a mental health hold and he was diagnosed as a pwBPD.

After that he broke my arm, chased me with a hammer, pushed me out of a moving car etc. I moved out but continued to try to work with him on a recovery.

The last straw was when we spent a day together, he over indulged with alcohol, I asked him not to drive and he went ballistic. It was a terrible scene resulting in him beating my head on a granite countertop and saying he would kill me.

This physical escalation occurred over a period of 11 months.

He was arrested, charged with a felony and he took a plea bargain at a reduced charge. I got a two year protective order and realized I needed to go NC. We divorced and I let the attorney and mediator handle all communication.

I am almost two years out from the day he tried to kill me and I am so glad I got out of that mess. Women DO die at the hands of their husbands/partners.

I haven't just survived I have thrived. Just nailed my perfect end of my career dream job, am going to Europe with my grandsons in a few days, bought a sweet little ski condo that's all mine, have made new friends and don't have to listen to the ex tell me how horrible they are. I feel free, serene and happy. There is life after leaving a pwBPD.

If you are male or female and in an abusive relationship PLEASE take care of yourself! Call a local DV center and talk about options.  Put yourself and your safety first.

[dachef]

my exgf undiagnosed BPD started with emotional and mental abuse.  This was always triggered when I wasn't paying enough attention to her.  It elevated to physical abuse against me and eventually a very unfortunate young woman in the wrong place at the wrong time.  It eventually led to self harm and threats of suicide as this got the biggest reaction of of me.  I eventually left. and am now 2 or 3 months into a break up and cannot stop thinking about her. 

[Forestaken]

This physical escalation occurred over a period of 11 months.

If you are male or female and in an abusive relationship PLEASE take care of yourself! Call a local DV center and talk about options.  Put yourself and your safety first.

First, I agree 100%, I am a male and experience physical abuse.  I went to work with bruises, scratches, limping,

Second, Congratulations on breaking free.  Enjoy your travels in peace.

I'm planning my first epic trip next year: Nepal/Tibet.  I spent my 50th Bday in court with her.

Question: When people ask "Why did you let it happen?"  I tell them it was a "slow boil", she didn't start physically abusing me overnight, she eroded my support system first, then emotional, verbal, physical finally finanical.  - what do you say?