Made some decisions

[Single Malt]

I've made some decisions and am in the process of implementing them with my uBPD wife.  I'm posting this in "Undecided" because what happens next is really up to her--the ball is in her court.

Whenever my wife goes into a rage of verbal abuse and begins physically abusing inanimate objects, I now calmly END the discussion and state that we will revisit this issue at another time when cooler heads will prevail.  I leave the house for a while if needed.  I have noticed that this tactic on my part tends to make her even more angry, or fuels her abandonment fears. 

I have tried methods of validating her feelings and trying to tell her the truth in nonthreatening ways, but my wife has read books on BPD and can tell when I'm trying to use these methods--and it makes her mad.  So, I am not going to use those methods anymore.  Instead, when she begins accusing me or making statements implying deficiencies on my part that I know are not true, or blaming me in some way for her unhappiness, I'm simply saying "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I disagree.  May I explain why I disagree?"  --and if she says "no", which she usually does, then that is simply the end of the discussion.

I've also decided to not worry overmuch about whether my wife will attempt suicide while I am at work.  I used to devote a lot of thought and energy to that fear.  I have realized that I can't control this aspect of things, and that I can't allow myself to be held hostage by a fear of her attempting suicide.  If she does, and is successful, I will grieve greatly, and for a long time.  But I also know that eventually I will move on with my life.  This may sound cold and unfeeling, but it truly isn't.  I'm tearing up even as I type this.

Since marrying my wife I have gotten away from some of the things I really enjoyed doing, such as backpacking.  This particular activity is actually one of the defining aspects of my personality--an activity I began enjoying as a teenager, and it was a great stress reliever for me. This year I have planned two backpacking trips, of three days in length respectively.

A few months ago I started a business.  I typically leave the house at 6 am and am home by 5 pm.  I told my wife that I was specifically scheduling an hour of "family time" with her from 5 pm to 6 pm each day, in order to make sure we get AT LEAST an hour with each other (if not more).  One of her "issues" with our marriage was not being able to spend enough time with me.  She knew ahead of  time that I would be working long hours in the startup phase of my business.  Shortly after this, she began staying up til 4 or 5 am and getting up at 7 or 8 pm, close to the time when I have to go to bed.  I haven't said anything about it.  I simply stick to my schedule.  This irritates her.  I'm not sure why, unless she is trying to see if she can get some sort of control over me by making me feel bad about the situation and altering my schedule to suit her. 

These decisions may well hasten the end of our marriage, but I feel for me they are necessary in order for me to keep my identity.  Time will tell.

[refusetosuccumb]

Good for you for taking back your power and sticking with your boundaries.

I wish you luck and peace.

[an0ught]

Hi Single Malt,

this is a most excellent list of boundaries 

The way I see the current behavior of your wife is that she is trying to adjust and is struggling to do so. It is a big change. Only time will tell whether she manages or not. There will be game playing and baiting. If she was somewhat functional without being in a relationship there is often a good chance that she stabilizes in some form. Whether that will be in or not in the relationship remains to be seen.

Don't discount validation. Just because someone knows you are doing it does not mean it does not work. Having said this - you are validating quite well here:

I have tried methods of validating her feelings and trying to tell her the truth in nonthreatening ways, but my wife has read books on BPD and can tell when I'm trying to use these methods--and it makes her mad.  So, I am not going to use those methods anymore.  Instead, when she begins accusing me or making statements implying deficiencies on my part that I know are not true, or blaming me in some way for her unhappiness, I'm simply saying "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I disagree.  May I explain why I disagree?"  --and if she says "no", which she usually does, then that is simply the end of the discussion.

We got a conflict here - care to discuss or let's agree we disagree? is spot on and not hiding anything negative.

These decisions may well hasten the end of our marriage, but I feel for me they are necessary in order for me to keep my identity.  Time will tell.

I doubt the former and applaud the latter. Going back to who we were, more precisely who we should be is be an important step in our healing.

[NotASnowflake]

Excellent post, thanks for sharing.