CPS have been called to investigate. Can they help me?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It has been awhile since I posted on here. Maybe 2-3 months. I have been working with a therapist and trying to build a supprt group. I am just finding it unbelievably hard to divorce my wife. My biggest concern is what if she gets custody and my kids become her? She is completely unstable, both emotionally and mentally, and comes from a family with a history of problems and lifetime of domestic violence. Which is how my life has become, exactly like her life growing up. Our twins are 6 and I cannot fathom this life that they have been brought up in so far.

So fast forward to today, CPS has been called to investigate in Ohio, and my lawyer wants me to cooperate. I am skeptical to give them all my information because I have been cautioned by my therapist that I really don't want to get CPS involved. Meanwhile, if I don't open up to CPS then I bypass them giving me help and I wonder if in family court this will look like their is no problem because CPS did an investigation and found no problem?(I'm a guy so I feel like I need all the chips I can get in my corner in a very conservative and traditional state).

This is a separate but related topic. I am taking a leave from a very well paying job and cutting my salary in half so that I do not have to travel so much for my job and fight for custody. All this change scares the hell out of me. My wife is insanely good at being an emotional and verbally abusive person that I just find it very very difficult to make a divorce happen. If I do not show her love and affection, even after she has hit me or puts her fist up ready to hit me in her rage, then she does not feel that I want to be married to her. She does this all in front of the kids and then  will them them that your daddy doesn't love us or this family and is trying to break us apart. He doesn't want anything to do with us. She threatens daily to take the kids to another state. She does all this and so much more in front of the kids. But while I say all this out of one corner of my mouth, I am texting my wife and being supportive of her feelings and any hurt she experienced today to avoid the rage I might incur. She has emotionally, verbally, and physically(on occasion) abused me so much that I feel gulty if her feelings get hurt. This is not normal but I cannot force my mind to see it any other way.

[justaboutdone]

It has been awhile since I posted on here. Maybe 2-3 months. I have been working with a therapist and trying to build a supprt group. I am just finding it unbelievably hard to divorce my wife. My biggest concern is what if she gets custody and my kids become her? She is completely unstable, both emotionally and mentally, and comes from a family with a history of problems and lifetime of domestic violence. Which is how my life has become, exactly like her life growing up. Our twins are 6 and I cannot fathom this life that they have been brought up in so far.

So fast forward to today, CPS has been called to investigate in Ohio, and my lawyer wants me to cooperate. I am skeptical to give them all my information because I have been cautioned by my therapist that I really don't want to get CPS involved. Meanwhile, if I don't open up to CPS then I bypass them giving me help and I wonder if in family court this will look like their is no problem because CPS did an investigation and found no problem?(I'm a guy so I feel like I need all the chips I can get in my corner in a very conservative and traditional state).

This is a separate but related topic. I am taking a leave from a very well paying job and cutting my salary in half so that I do not have to travel so much for my job and fight for custody. All this change scares the hell out of me. My wife is insanely good at being an emotional and verbally abusive person that I just find it very very difficult to make a divorce happen. If I do not show her love and affection, even after she has hit me or puts her fist up ready to hit me in her rage, then she does not feel that I want to be married to her. She does this all in front of the kids and then  will them them that your daddy doesn't love us or this family and is trying to break us apart. He doesn't want anything to do with us. She threatens daily to take the kids to another state. She does all this and so much more in front of the kids. But while I say all this out of one corner of my mouth, I am texting my wife and being supportive of her feelings and any hurt she experienced today to avoid the rage I might incur. She has emotionally, verbally, and physically(on occasion) abused me so much that I feel gulty if her feelings get hurt. This is not normal but I cannot force my mind to see it any other way.

[manicmuse]

I can tell you in my case CPS was critical in telling the judge how bad she was. I can also tell you if they find she is abusive and you are complacent about it that will make you just as guilty.

Follow your heart here.

I got custody of my grandchildren 2weeks ago and just in the nick of time. If I hadn't CPS was to remove them to their custody that day.

She refused treatment even being offered rides.

The schools were calling them.

It was a mess. I knew when I saw her she was worse than is ever seen her.

Without treatment they will get worse with age.

Your therapist is not an attorney follow the attorney's advice he knows what they are looking for.

Praying for the children.

[ForeverDad]

I agree that hiding or withholding information about her behaviors would actually be enabling your spouse.

Remember, the focus of CPS and the other professionals will be on what is in the children's best interests.  A few disclaimers here since their viewpoint won't exactly match yours... .

(1) Your spouse's lawyer is paid to work in your spouse's interests, not the kids and especially not your interest.

(2) Also, the professionals may be reluctant to change the kids' lives by much, thinking too much change will not be good for the children.  (That's why my ex got temporary custody, though she was facing a charge of making threats of DV, court didn't care about her adult behaviors, they just asked who usually took care of our preschooler and since I went off the work, the court chose her for temp custody.)

(3) That brings up a side point.  CPS, court, etc may not be as concerned about her adult behaviors as much as about her parenting behaviors.  So be sure to highlight her bad parenting behaviors.  That is the focus of CPS.

[justaboutdone]

Thank you for the replies. What states are either of you in? Does it matter? It is an alternative response investigation. When we found out about the investigation, my wife has been blaming me for quote"running out in the street" while she was raging and acting unpredictable. In reality, I was just getting out of the house because I felt trapped in it with her and walked out into the driveway. She feels a neighbor saw her yelling at me with kids in the house. She blames me for inviting trouble into the house and that is why CPS was called. I know that I should not feel guilty about that but I do.  So I did one search about CPS and what I read was that CPS has one legal right and that they can remove the kids until they determine who the fit parent is and the investigation is over. And in the end they have no legal right to force my wife to get help. And to be honest, my wife wants nothing to do with getting help and would refuse it. I feel like CPS would really stir up the bees nest, that I know is already stirred up. My wife has made every threat across the board and seldom acts on her threats, but her rage, throwing things, and just the potential that if she acted on just a couple of her threats would make my life miserable. Not that I have done anything wrong but I just have a very hard time standing up to this person who is so crazy. Scares the hell out of me! So if you still recommend I be cooperative with CPS, should I set up a private appointment? Will they then share what I said with my wife? If my wife refuses to admit any wrongdoing then how will the truth come out? I know I would tell the CPS that you can not share anything with my wife that I tell you or I risk my wife running with the kids. (they have visited our house once already and my wife said no to everything while I just sat there)

[trappeddad]

follow the attorney's advice he knows what they are looking for.

Personally I am cautious about what attorneys say, as they can really screw you.   Be careful.

[ForeverDad]

Have you been quietly recording?  That would be documentation, more than hearsay or "he said, she said".  When I admitted to myself my ex was going down a Path with No Return, I realized it was time to protect myself.  That was one method I used.  Of course, I didn't wave my voice recorder under her nose like a challenge, I just put it in my pocket and let her say/do her stuff.  Mostly court and others ignored 99% of it but they were helpful a few times, once with death threats, a time she tried to get son to say I had become enraged and beat him on his shins, and recently her disparaging me in son's presence.

By the way, OH is a state where the written law states threat of DV is illegal, however case law limits it to "imminent" threats and so my ex was judged to be not guilty of threat of DV.  I walked out knowing she now had the green light for death threats as long as she made sure she didn't have a weapon in her hands.

"He always... ." or "she always... ." means virtually nothing to the professionals unless you also include details to document the incidents, dates, locations, witnesses, etc.

Mostly my recordings were my personal 'insurance' policy proving I wasn't the one misbehaving.  I still had sleepless nights, but it was better than without my recordings.

[justaboutdone]

I have lots of evidence and to see the evidence I would be shocked if someone didn't feel she was a threat to the kids, herself, and her ability to be a single parent raising healthy kids. If the decision comes down to, who is the most fit parent then there is no way she would be 51%. But how can CPS help my wife without telling my wife that this is what your husband told us? If they did, then I should get a protection order. I think I have said this in all my posts, she scares the crap out of me. How I can I feel confident that she doesn't go insane and do something everyone(mainly me) will regret?

[ForeverDad]

My wife has made every threat across the board and seldom acts on her threats, but her rage, throwing things, and just the potential that if she acted on just a couple of her threats would make my life miserable. Not that I have done anything wrong but I just have a very hard time standing up to this person who is so crazy. Scares the hell out of me! So if you still recommend I be cooperative with CPS, should I set up a private appointment? Will they then share what I said with my wife? If my wife refuses to admit any wrongdoing then how will the truth come out? I know I would tell the CPS that you can not share anything with my wife that I tell you or I risk my wife running with the kids.

Yes, tell them the truth.  Okay to ask for a private session and no you don't have to ask in front of your spouse.  By the way, if there are no pending cases, either with CPS or family court, then there's nothing to stop her from running with the kids.  However, if you file for divorce and she ran then she could be charged with kidnapping or at least removing the children from the court's jurisdiction.  With no court orders there are no specific limits to either your parenting or hers - but understand that police and others will default to giving mother the possession or at least pressure you to allow it.  That's why a court order specifying parenting is important, well, if you're going to end up divorcing.  (And if you let her file first then you'll be facing innumerable allegations from the start and end up being even more on the defense than you already are.)

(they have visited our house once already and my wife said no to everything while I just sat there)

You're an adult, you are expected to be capable of standing up and voicing the truth, if not for yourself then for the kids.  In other words, your boundaries, while recently improving, have been the equivalent of wet spaghetti.  Time to change or else you'll eventually get hung out to dry by your spouse.  One thing we say here is that if it has been contemplated or threatened then it will happen, given enough time.  So far you've been gifting her plenty of time.  Please don't give her even more time to frame you or worse.

But how can CPS help my wife without telling my wife that this is what your husband told us? If they did, then I should get a protection order. I think I have said this in all my posts, she scares the crap out of me. How I can I feel confident that she doesn't go insane and do something everyone(mainly me) will regret?

When I called 911 and got the emergency responders involved, I knew then that the marriage was *over*, I had just raised the conflict to a new level by involving the agencies.  As it turned out, not only could I not help my then-spouse, neither could the court and various agencies.  Actually they didn't really try.  They were focused on addressing the current situation.  That's the way the system is, deal with the situation as it is, don't try to change anyone.

Yes, that is a paradigm shift in perspective for you, but a necessary one.  While you want her to improve, you would support her improvement, but... .you have to deal with the reality, what she is, what the professionals will do and not do.

[justaboutdone]

Yes, tell them the truth.  Okay to ask for a private session and no you don't have to ask in front of your spouse.  By the way, if there are no pending cases, either with CPS or family court, then there's nothing to stop her from running with the kids.  However, if you file for divorce and she ran then she could be charged with kidnapping or at least removing the children from the court's

Thank you for the great advice.  If I tell CPS the truth, can anyone tell me what will happen from there? I realize it raises this problem to a whole new level that will now deal with the problem inside my house, but I would like to be prepared. Thank you again for the help on this board.

[manicmuse]

The case was in NJ.

I have to say CPS and a Judge will say if you left them with her wile she was ragging. It ant be that bad. Start thinking in those terms because that will be how the court sees it.

[ForeverDad]

My ex made repeated allegations against me.  When one failed, she tried other angles.  There was no compunction or 'memory' of our prior decade married.  It all focused on painting me black, her being Mother of the Year (MOTY) or whatever.  I never treated her bad but there was no reciprocity, it's the disorder.  But CPS, court and most of the professionals won't be interested in you playing doctor.  Don't get them sidetracked on looking at you.  If she hasn't been diagnosed, then be doubly sure to focus on her behaviors and behavior patterns.

I called CPS in my area twice before we separated.  I reported that she was ranting and raging at me in our preschooler's presence and that he was trying to hide during those incidents.  Know what I was told?  Call back if she rages at the child.  Apparently witnessing poor behaviors didn't rise to the level of child abuse, child neglect or child endangerment, three typical triggers for misbehaviors to become 'actionable'.  Oh, and what did one staffer tell me during my calls?  She said her mother had to divorce and that was what I needed to do.

As sad and distressing that divorce is, one resulting benefit is that you can establish a separate home where your children and see your good example of peace, calm, stability and not see you appeasing or living the life of a Whipping Boy.  Your children need you.  The need a stable home and a strong example of good qualities for at least a part of their lives.  That is why you need to seek as much parenting time and responsibility from the court.

[justaboutdone]

As sad and distressing that divorce is, one resulting benefit is that you can establish a separate home where your children and see your good example of peace, calm, stability and not see you appeasing or living the life of a Whipping Boy.  Your children need you.  The need a stable home and a strong example of good qualities for at least a part of their lives.  That is why you need to seek as much parenting time and responsibility from the court.

This kinda hits it on the head. I do not want my children growing up in a house of rage, throwing and breaking things and adult tantrums, swearing, obvious and blatant lying and getting away with it, laying in bed all weekend depressed, and spending recklessly and not having a financial future. But she also has absolutely zero patience with the kids and puts herself before the kids.  Probably the worst damage I have seen directly towards the kids is carrying them by one arm to their room(they are 5) or yelling and raging at my son so much and she does not back down while he is throwing a tantrum himself that he throws up. Daughter has told family that mommy scares me when she was 4. As long as I am home then I protect the kids but I also travel a lot for work and do not have evidence of anything other than yelling a lot while I am gone. I could go on about how my wife carries zero responsibility in this household because she complained so much or failed that I became the person in the house to manage everything including kids schedules, sports, and school.

However, despite the constant raging, blame directed at me, complaining constantly about my family to get me to hate my own family or making it difficult to see them, when I mention divorce she turns on the emotional and verbal abuse to a new level making it seem like I will never see the kids again, she will take them to another country that she has residency in, tell my employer all kinds of lies that will get me in trouble. So yeah, I would be fine with divorce if I didn't think she was going to make my life hell everyday and regret my decision.  The only saving grace is that if I had custody of the kids then at least I could make sure things stayed fair without worrying about her future threats even after divorce. Or that she doesn't remarry and continue on this same behaviour, and possibly be worse.  At least when she is with me I can control my behavior very well and because they are my children let them know they are loved and their needs come before her bad behavior.

[livednlearned]

justaboutdone,

You're in a classic DV situation. You're worried that if you tell the truth, things will escalate. Which is true --they will. That's why it's important to have a safety plan. Not just for your physical safety, but for your entire exit strategy, complete with contingency plans. Ask your lawyer about the confidentiality of your interview with CPS. Call CPS and ask too. If they press for a case number, tell them you are concerned about disclosing it, and just want to know how the process works. Look for the CPS manual in your state -- the one they use to train CPS people. That will have some kind of decision-tree or algorithm for how to respond to CPS threats. It might say something about confidentiality that will alleviate your concerns.

Then ask your L what happens if you don't tell CPS about the full nature of the abuse. Ask how you should phrase things to protect yourself while in the marriage, while also protecting yourself in the event of divorce and custody. It's possible that protecting yourself now will backfire when you go to file custody. Judges listen to tales of abuse, and then they want to know, "Why did you let it happen?" It's an incredibly awful fine line we walk.

Have you read Splitting by Bill Eddy? It's a must-have if you're contemplating divorce.

I'm wondering what's up with your therapist. CPS is usually called because someone is concerned about the level of abuse against the kids. Does your therapist not think there is abuse? Is she helping you work through another plan about protecting the kids? If you are thinking seriously about divorce, your therapist is not a lawyer. You're going to want to throw in with a lawyer, and preferably one that knows something about BPD. Therapists mean well, but they can also give you terrible advice when it comes to court. Find out what your therapist is thinking about with CPS because maybe this person isn't really helping you.

I know it's hard to psychologically and emotionally end these relationships, but it's also impossible to live in a pot of boiling water the rest of your life. A lot of us struggle to end things, and then something happens that is usually off the charts, and we leave in even worse conditions. At the very last, have a full-blown exit strategy in place so you have a map to guide you if things worsen. I spent a full year putting things in place. Got a storage locker, increased my salary so I was full-time and could get health care, photocopied important documents, had a lawyer ready to go, put aside some money to live off for a few months, had a therapist in place, and managed to get my son into therapy based on a learning disability, so he had a softer landing than if I didn't have that ready for him.

I don't believe we do our kids any good trying to protect them in the relationship. We think we're protecting them, but we aren't. All we teach them is how to tolerate abuse. My son was being bullied in fourth grade. That all ended when we moved out because that's what my actions taught him. If someone is mean to me, I stand up for myself. Now he does that too.

I'm not saying it's a walk in the park to divorce someone with BPD, but in my experience, it certainly isn't worse. I walk into my safe, quiet, calm, loving home every day, and my son gets to soak up this peace and quiet and restore his soul. He sees what he couldn't see when we all lived together. This is normal, and now he knows what's he's going for in life. Now he knows that this is possible.

Let us know how you're doing. This is a tough time what you're going through. Maybe the toughest. We're here -- we understand. We've been there.

[justaboutdone]

Look for the CPS manual in your state -- the one they use to train CPS people. That will have some kind of decision-tree or algorithm for how to respond to CPS threats. It might say something about confidentiality that will alleviate your concerns.

Great advice and already downloaded it and started reading. 

Judges listen to tales of abuse, and then they want to know, "Why did you let it happen?" It's an incredibly awful fine line we walk.

This is why I feel like I must finally act and make a decision.  Because if I do not then all my efforts will be wasted.

Have you read Splitting by Bill Eddy? It's a must-have if you're contemplating divorce.

Yes, I read it a couple months ago.  The lawyer I found came from an idea he proposed in his book.  My L, that I have only spent a couple hours with, use to work in the DV center as a counselor before becoming a lawyer.  My L was recommended by the DV center for my county.  She has only been practicing for two years(makes me a little nervous) but in my two hours with her I would have never guessed that and she seems to fit the description perfectly as a L dealing with BPD as outlined in Splitting.

I'm wondering what's up with your therapist. CPS is usually called because someone is concerned about the level of abuse against the kids. Does your therapist not think there is abuse? Is she helping you work through another plan about protecting the kids?

Initially I was not impressed my therapist because it took at least two months of meeting(and a few meeting with my wife) before he finally felt like she is the problem.  I walked into one appointment towards the end of the two months and he asked what has been going on this past week.  I said, well last night my wife told me she is taking the kids out of state and I will never see them again.  His response was, "boy, you two really like this stuff"  I was very frustrated and starting asking how the heck do I like this stuff?  I told him I did absolutely nothing wrong to provoke her behavior.  Up until this point he insisted that it takes two to tango so to speak.  I kept telling him that no she provokes all this bad behavior and I stay calm throughout.  He finally started to get it and then our meetings changed to making a path for divorce. But he is a little arrogant and deep down(because he told me) that all relationships can be made to work.  That boggles my mind because she will not goto T appointments and when she has it is a nightmare afterward while she spends the whole week discrediting everything he said in our one hour appointment.

I'm not saying it's a walk in the park to divorce someone with BPD, but in my experience, it certainly isn't worse.

Thank you for your sound advice and help.  I agree it has to better but I am having an enormous difficulty finding that path to get me there.  My wife just truly scares the crap out of me after any hint of ending our relationship.  If I don't say I love her on cue then it is hell to pay and it is often in front of the kids because I guess it seems more impactful to her that way.  But I read some of the other threads of the continual problems after divorcing a BPD and it just makes me very depressed that I am in this situation and will be dealing with for at least the next 12 years.  I try to stay positive but I am tired of all the time I waste dealing with her already.  It would be easy if I didn't love and care for the kids so much.

[justaboutdone]

Oh, and just to elaborate why the T did not recommend CPS was because he thought it is usually never good to get the government involved.  Our family physician(who know of the DV at home) always looks the kids over and questions any bruises on the kids when I take them in.  They are usually from playing the best I know but she is also hesitant to call CPS as long as I am getting help in the form of a T because if CPS was to be called then he would probably be the one to do it.  A few others who we have discussed about CPS with also felt the bad rap they have because of their limited power to just take kids away and put them in foster care.  I do have my immediate family who will watch and care for the kids but not sure if they would go their or be put with foster care first if that is the decision CPS makes.  I am planning to call my L tomorrow and discuss about CPS further and determine what the likely outcomes might be.

[momtara]

I have heard that judges don't like threats to take the kids away, "You'll never see them again," etc.  If you could tape that, it'd be great.

[ForeverDad]

I've been here over 8 years and I'm scratching my head trying to remember how many of our members reported the children being taken away to foster care.  I think it's been discussed as a potential option by CPS or social services but I believe it happened with only a very few members at most.  For that reason I think this is a potential risk but a relatively low probability.

As much as my ex made life with her toward the end unbearable and made me the target of her anger, rants and raging, surprising little was seen affecting her parenting.  Apparently the bar is set fairly high concerning CPS triggers for what is actionable.  Often it takes a perceptive and experienced custody evaluator to recommend appropriate custody and parenting arrangements.

My ex too toward the end sometimes threatened she would disappear with our preschooler and I'd never see him again but of course it never happened.  If you include that in your filing then I'd think the judge and your lawyer would make it very clear to her she can't go too far away, perhaps even set limits of travel with the children, vacations would have to have notice given, moves too would have to have notice given.  If a parent might take the children out of the country then the order may specifically prohibit travel not sanctioned by the court and have passports held in safekeeping.

Despite our complaints about various facets of court actions and inactions, one thing they get right is setting a structure for both parents that limits further threats of obstruction.  It may be a lousy temp schedule or temp custody may be with the wrong parent but at least it sets structure and the threats to obstruct parenting become largely toothless.

[livednlearned]

I am having an enormous difficulty finding that path to get me there. 

When you do leave, it's going to feel like walking off a cliff. That first step is a doozy, and it will be frightening, no question about it. If you experienced childhood abuse or have a BPD parent, you might feel emotionally like you are 5 years old standing up to your abuser, and that is flat out terrifying. Fortunately, you are in reality a full-grown adult and can surround yourself with a team who can help you get through this. Also, we're here for you.    Just like others were here for us. A whole bunch of strangers on the Internet who have walked off that exact same cliff. We know all about parachutes.

Your therapist might be doing you more harm than good at this point. He's invalidating you, and to make light of your fears like that is a bad sign. If he's dismissing CPS like that, he'll dismiss other serious red flags. No one wants the government involved, but what if a family is on fire and can't put it out without help? That could be your therapist, but he's admitted he harbors a fantasy that all couples can work things out. Really? This isn't someone who seems too up on domestic violence, not to mention BPD.

If you decide to work with a new T, interview a handful. Tell them you're in a DV situation with someone who is BPD. You want to leave and need help. Ask if they have worked with other men who have been in similar situations. Ask them if they have experience with BPD sufferers and their spouses. You need an advocate right now -- a lot of us tend to be very passive and don't recognize warning signs, or if we do, we just roll with it. You need a strong advocate right now and someone who cares about the welfare of you and your kids.

And you are right that post-divorce, things aren't easy. But are they better for most people? I would guess yes. Maybe start a thread asking people if things are better for them. If they could do it again, would they? How is life now for their kids? What was the most important piece of advice they got? Most people come here when they're working through the hard stuff, but that doesn't mean they aren't doing better overall. Especially people who had DV in their relationships -- you don't hear anyone saying they wish they were back with their ex. If your wife has a strong queen/witch streak, she probably has more narcissism than the waif/hermit types. I sometimes wonder if the degree of narcissism tends to crank up the heat even more. The entitlement can be vicious, and that can make things dangerous.

CPS: Find out if corporal punishment is allowed in your state. Chances are, given the nature of abuse toward your kids that you describe, CPS isn't going to do much. They'll go through the bureaucratic motions and then bury the file. What you're doing is treating them like a potential witness if you need them during a custody battle. Ask your lawyer if there are any key phrases you should say, or any you should avoid. Ask her if it's ok to say, "I am very concerned about the emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse my wife directs toward the kids. I would like the boys to see a therapist, and maybe you can help propose that as part of this investigation. It will help if it comes from you. If my wife believes I suggested this, therapy for my boys will never happen. Can you guarantee that this conversation will remain confidential?" Or something like that.

Last -- it's good that your L has experience with DV. She should know how to handle CPS. Was she a DV advocate who spent time in court? If so, she may have years of experience watching how things go down in front of the judge and have an intuitive feel about different judges and what they care most about. She needs to coach you on what to say to CPS so you are protecting yourself legally, protecting yourself and your kids physically, and helping you devise a strategy to get out.

Think of questions for her, and make sure you feel she has answered them to your satisfaction. Questions like, If your wife physically assaults you, what should you do? What lawyer do you call? Is it legal to record your wife without her consent? Will the court listen to those tapes? Will CPS listen to them? Should you ask for a custody evaluation and have both parents get psych evaluations? (MMPI-2). Will a Guardian ad Litem be assigned? Does your state use parenting coordinators? If so, do the PCs have extension of judicial authority? Will your wife be deposed? Does your L support you in asking for primary custody, even if you might not get it right away? How does legal custody work? What happens if your wife takes the kids across state lines before you file? Can the court order to bring her back? What steps do you take if she does that?

Also, it sounds like your wife might be like a lot of BPD parents. She could fight you every step of the way when it comes to custody, but then do everything to dump the kids with you. You might get 50/50 on paper, but then 80% in reality.

You'll need a watertight parenting plan so there are no ambiguities. That is going to fall to you -- most lawyers can't imagine the level of detail we need in order to have enforceable boundaries when it comes to the kids. People here can help you with that, but you're going to be in the driver's seat when it comes to explaining all this to your L.

Your L and your T need to be your co-pilots on this. You are the pilot. This is your path and you are the leader. You've been beaten down for a long time and probably don't have a whole lot of confidence or strength. It will come back slowly. My T literally had me practice with strangers, with acquaintances, with friends, co-workers. Small things. Saying no. Asking for what I wanted. Not with my ex, but with others. Maybe you can find someone who will help you do that too.