Back from a visit to S9 at RTC

[ProfDaddy]

Returned last week from a visit to S9 who is at an RTC.  He has "pre-borderline tendencies" in latest diagnosis.  Has been at RTC for almost one year.  He has shown progress in small ways; in others he has lots of work to do.  Some of my family came along this visit: D12, new wife, sister, grandpa & grandma.  We rented a house in the town and spent time together as a family.  S9 got to do two overnights with us.  He did well, but fell apart in all his old ways after we departed.  I have mixed feelings about the visit.  It was good to see him doing better, good to see some progress.  He will spend a second year at the RTC.  It is disheartening to think that so many dysfunctional behaviors aren't so far beneath the surface.  My new wife, D12, and I have worked hard to heal ourselves after the trauma of living with the explosive and violent side of S9.  We have a calm and loving household and are all fearful of the prospect of returning to his outbursts. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Wow... .he's practically still a baby, I understand how the explosive behavior can affect a family, my dd is 30, so we have many years of experience and practice with raging. I have no words of wisdom to impart upon you, but I wanted to tell I understand the mixed emotions. Truth be told, my heartstrings would have been involved, and with a child so young, I have no idea what I would have done

[jellibeans]

Dear Profdaddy

Thanks for the update... .my name has changed but I remember your story. Has it been a whole year? Wow... .time does fly. I see you were able to work things out with your gf and I imagine things are more stable at home. How do you feel about the RTC? Is it a good fit for you s9? He is so young and that is the scary part I think so I do feel another year might be good. How often do you see him? How is he doing?

[ProfDaddy]

Things worked out with my fiancee.  Choosing to be a parent in a family with children like ours (and disturbed exes like many of us have) is stressful and frightening at times.

The RTC is a good fit for S9.  They're loving and supportive but also incredibly consistent and work towards teaching him appropriate management of his emotions.  He can talk about feelings now; more than once he calmed himself after I set a limit... .instead of exploding. 

Maybe that's why the old outbursts and fighting the week after we left are so distressing. One step forwards, two steps back. 

He is still a little guy, he has struggled since before age 4, and while the RTC is 1/2 the country away, and the distance is hard for everyone, I can do no more for him here at home. 

[jellibeans]

yes profdaddy... .I remember how bad it was for your family when he was home and at school. I am glad this RTC is a good fit for him and your family. How is your d coping now with her brother at home? I know it was very hard for her at times.

I am just wondering if they did any testing on him? Has his DX changed or still emerging BPD? Do you think he could have any developmental problems? Recently I was told my dd had PDD but her P doesn't agree with that dx... .it was interesting to read about it.

I am glad things are better for you and things worked out for your W too... .you have been through a lot but it looks like there is stability and happiness at your home now. Take care

[ProfDaddy]

S9 isn't home yet, only about 1/2 way through his treatment at RTC.  We rented a house near the RTC to do a sort of "home visit" with him.  Lots of feelings for the children to work through.  D12's go-to skills are denial and anger.  We have some work to do there.  Found an attachment based therapist for her to work with near our home; she is next on the waiting list. 

[jellibeans]

sorry profdaddy... .I mis typed... .I was wondering if your d12 was better now that she has had a year without her brother home? Seemed she was struggling a bit when he was home and was a target for him. Hope things continue to go well for you.

[ProfDaddy]

Things are better for d12... .but she has some healing to do and some growing up that she missed.  With her brother gone, d12 now has to define a new role in the family.  Before, all she had to be was "not her brother."  She has our full attention now, which is both good and difficult.  We're starting to chip away at the denial (one of her favorite defense mechanisms), but that opens up some depression.  Today was the third in a string of days of moodiness and frustration for her.  I responded with a slow afternoon & evening at home, no electronics for diversions, just be with those feelings.  She finally talked it through with me and W.  So tomorrow after her day at theater camp, we will take the evening off to have fun together.