Random Bouts of Sadness

[blindjoe]

Don't know how else to put it, but it's been almost 3 weeks NC since breaking up with my BPDexgf... .and I've been experiencing these random bouts of sadness, like near-teary eyed. They come and go quickly but are frustrating. Any tips on dealing with these sorts of emotions? Mainly sadness at the acceptance and realization of moving on [and the need to do so]. I am having a difficult time even trying to understand the emotions I'm dealing with right now. Input appreciated.

[x1985x]

We know exactly what you are going through. 3 weeks isn't terribly long, I'm about 3 months out and I still have my moments. I don't cry over it, but I could if I let myself. I did cry many times during the first week though, then it just dried up and I promised myself that she wasn't worth the tears.

The best advice I can give is to feel your feelings. If you need to cry, do it. Getting it out is healthy. It's ok to not understand what to think or feel, it is completely natural and normal. You ache for that connection, no matter how toxic it may have been. Remember, it is your ability to feel and process feelings rationally that separates you from her. Take pride in that. You are human and we hurt when things go sour. However, we are designed to heal and you will. The sooner you go through all of the emotions, the sooner your pain will eventually leave you.

The most important thing is that you realize the truth, that you must move on. You don't know how important of a step that is. So many of us get lost in the fog for a long time, hoping, wishing, wondering, bargaining. To know that she isn't right for you is half the battle, literally. The other half, the easier half, is within you. You are the master of your life and you will heal in your own time. Give yourself credit for wanting to live a healthy life. Wanting better will invite better.

When I start to wonder, or fixate on things I can't control, I force myself to think the TRUTH, the things I know for sure. Those being, she is a hollow person, she doesn't care like I do, she isn't worth the validation of my thoughts. Know these things and it will get easier. Deep down, you have truths of your own. Whatever they may be, focus on them.

Be well and grow stronger.

[peiper]

Im still in the fog about this and sad. Its been a month. Deep down I know its best to be free of her but a part of me wants her back even though she cost me five years of soberity from her constant game playing and manipulations.

[Mutt]

Any tips on dealing with these sorts of emotions?

Let yourself feel sadness. Don't resist it. These uncontrollable fits of sadness and crying are normal. As x1985x stated this is only three weeks, it will pass.

[blindjoe]

Thanks for the responses. I tried crying like a week or two ago, but I couldn't. I don't think I'm really capable of that. Last time I cried was when I was drinking and dealing with the BPDex. I'm SO GLAD I don't have alcohol to intensify the emotions I've been going through. I think sobriety is actually making this break up much easier than anticipated.

I think I've accepted finally that it's over, there's no going back to her, and no matter how much I wish she'd reach out to me, I know that even if she did I wouldn't go back to her. I still have these urges to respond to her last e-mail so that I can explain why I left her. But she's owed no explanation. If she's unaware as to why I ended things, she will remain that way regardless of what I have to say.

Unfortunately now, I suppose as my unconscious is processing all this, she's been in my dreams. A few nights ago I had a really vivid sexual dream with her, and also it contained some bizarre and highly symbolic imagery. She took off her shirt, exposing her breasts, and said something about how I could go ahead and drink from her, because she had enough energy. And I drank milk from her breasts and it felt both euphoric and unusual. Glowing. Warm. It was nearly spiritual. Then the next dream I had we were no longer together, and I was avoiding her, even in her presence I was not acknowledging her, until she finally crossed a boundary and climbed into bed with me, I cuddled her for a moment, and she thought everything was going to be back to ‘normal’ and ‘it didn’t matter that we were broken up it’s not like she was talking to anyone else’ and all this stuff, but she looked different to me. In the dream I still felt the burden of love/loving her, but I didn’t have the commitment to loving her any longer. It was a sad relief.

So that's where I'm at consciously - randomly getting sad at the recognition of moving forward, onto the next chapter of my life; and unconsciously - coming to terms with who and what she represented as an archetype whose presence in my life is no longer required. I need learn from it and move on to better things.

Another part of me honestly feels like, because I do harbor love for her, I hope IS better and does find someone to make her happy. It conflicts with what anger I wish I had, but I think I'm ok with it. This site, just reading other peoples comments, and those who reply to mine, are so helpful, and getting this stuff out even if it makes little sense now, is tremendously helpful as well.

[peiper]

I started praying for my Ex because I doubt she will ever get help and she is doomed to this cycle. Its sad really. I should probably be praying for her next victim.

[Plonko]

If my experience of a borderline ex is anything to go by it's a massive emotional investment (I know that is a cold horrible expression but it is true). You've put so much more into it than with a normal relationship because a relationships with a borderline requires so much extra effort. It's not surprising it's hard to let go.

I also know that what I've just said doesn't make it any easier and despite knowing this I'm still in the same situation as you and am just having to grind it out. Hang in there mate, you're not on your own.