Opinions needed

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello! I posted this on the intro board but I thought I could start out on here too and I figured the best way was to tell my story again. I really have no idea what to think anymore.

Hi everyone. I hope by sharing my story I can hear thoughts from others and what I should do. I am so confused it is eating me up.

This is a very long story so I apologize.  I will try to make it as short as possible.

So I met my boyfriend online. Our first date he kissed me and by the end of the night he asked me to be exclusive which I thought was odd but I went with it. Two weeks went by and yes I still would sometimes get texts from men I previously saw but I truly didn't want to be with them but I guess I didn't want to say anything about my new bf because it was so early on.  Well my bf went through my phone and found a text message from a guy I had previously saw. He asked me who he was and I said he was a friend.  He asked me if I ever slept with him and I said no I hadn't.  I later confessed that yes I had but I didnt want him to think badly of me so I lied to him. 

My bf then told me I need to erase all guys from my life and he went into my facebook (without my knowledge) and blocked a few of the guys I had previously "dated".  I was also forbidden from talking to my good friend that is a male but lives in another state. I have known him for over 15 years.  I told my bf I wouldn't talk to him anymore to make him happy. My boyfriend said he doesn't talk to girls and made sure to make a point to tell every girl that tried to talk to him that he couldn't communicate with them anymore because of me. I told him that was his perogative I didn't ask for him to do that.

So... I would secretly chat with my male friend while I was at work and one day he messaged me and I deleted it. Well later that night he responded to my earlier text and my bf found it and could tell that we had been talking earlier. He then accused me of cheating on him.

Now, somewhere in there, my bf went through my computer while I was in the shower and found nude pictures of myself from before I met him. Yes I had sent them to my ex bf and maybe a few guys I was talking to but thats none of his business. He told me to delete it all. I deleted most but apparently I didn't delete them all but I wasn't aware that they were still on the computer. He freaked out and called me a whore and said I am hanging on to them to send them out. He then demanded that we have a wine night where I have to tell him my whole life story... so I did.

SOrry this is so long. Ok so I also have a 4 yr old son. I told him my story about how I was with my ex bf but we broke up over the summer. I met my son's dad and we had a casual relationship where we both had a bf/gf but things weren't going well (really stupid), I wound up pregnant, etc. So anytime my bf and I got in a fight he would be sure to call me a cheating slut and I spread my legs for everyone.

Now to my son. My son is a typical 4 year old. He was 3 most of the time while we were together. Yes he would be whiny at times etc but all kids are. My bf was very mean and wanted me to spank my son for everything. Examples, waking up in the middle of hte night scared of a monster, wetting the bed or waking up too early.   He has said things like if I were you I'd spank him until he's purple until he understands who is boss.  We would fight constantly about my son and he would call me a bad mom etc. He called my son a "___ baby" once (my son is bi-racial), that his dad is a POS dad and that I should put my son up for adoption because he lives a messed up life having to go back and forth between Mom and Dad.

My bf is always accusing me of cheating on him which I nver once have. He even accused me of cheating on him with my Son's dad and he is now married. 

I'm leaving a lot out by I'm just writing the highlights that come to my head. So finally I had enough with my bf and decided to go visit my good friend that lives in another state (The one I was forbidden to talk to). I just wanted to get away. While I was there for some reason I missed my bf. I told him how much I missed him and I wanted us to work out, etc. My bf said ok but I need to make it up to him bc of all the messedup things "I' did. Like go on this trip. Which to this day he says I slept with my friend... .which I didn't.  His things were,,no guys for a year, I have to have anal sex with him at least once a week and sex every day and I have to be his #1 priority.

So here we are now... I'm going on day #3 of the silent treatment. On Wednesday I had a very busy day and I agreed to meet him for lunch and then he wanted to come over after work to see me. I didn't want to tell him that I had an appt with my therapist until 5 so I didn't tell him until after lunch. I texted him and said I'd be home at 530 so I could meet him then. He asked where I was going and I said I was going to my therapist. He of course flipped out and said oh of course you're going to someone who you're paying to tell you what you want to hear. You have all summer to go (I"m off work because I'm a teacher) and you choose today to go. MInd you I chose that day because its the one day of the week my son is with his dad. I told him no its because I don't have to find a sitter. He freaked out and said see you never put me first, I'll just do what you do and put you last. So, here I am being last. He hasn't talked to me since except for a, "What do you want?" text when I texted him why is he ignoring me.

He blames me for everything and says I did so many bad things to him. All I ever did was lie when I first met him about sleeping with a guy but it was out of fear not because I'm a liar. He says he can't trust me and how does he know if I'm every honest. THen he complains that I put my son over him and he's always last and whines if he doesn't get his way. What do you all think?

[sunnyskies]

Hello! I posted this on the intro board but I thought I could start out on here too and I figured the best way was to tell my story again. I really have no idea what to think anymore.

Hi everyone. I hope by sharing my story I can hear thoughts from others and what I should do. I am so confused it is eating me up.

This is a very long story so I apologize.  I will try to make it as short as possible.

So I met my boyfriend online. Our first date he kissed me and by the end of the night he asked me to be exclusive which I thought was odd but I went with it. Two weeks went by and yes I still would sometimes get texts from men I previously saw but I truly didn't want to be with them but I guess I didn't want to say anything about my new bf because it was so early on.  Well my bf went through my phone and found a text message from a guy I had previously saw. He asked me who he was and I said he was a friend.  He asked me if I ever slept with him and I said no I hadn't.  I later confessed that yes I had but I didnt want him to think badly of me so I lied to him. 

My bf then told me I need to erase all guys from my life and he went into my facebook (without my knowledge) and blocked a few of the guys I had previously "dated".  I was also forbidden from talking to my good friend that is a male but lives in another state. I have known him for over 15 years.  I told my bf I wouldn't talk to him anymore to make him happy. My boyfriend said he doesn't talk to girls and made sure to make a point to tell every girl that tried to talk to him that he couldn't communicate with them anymore because of me. I told him that was his perogative I didn't ask for him to do that.

So... I would secretly chat with my male friend while I was at work and one day he messaged me and I deleted it. Well later that night he responded to my earlier text and my bf found it and could tell that we had been talking earlier. He then accused me of cheating on him.

Now, somewhere in there, my bf went through my computer while I was in the shower and found nude pictures of myself from before I met him. Yes I had sent them to my ex bf and maybe a few guys I was talking to but thats none of his business. He told me to delete it all. I deleted most but apparently I didn't delete them all but I wasn't aware that they were still on the computer. He freaked out and called me a whore and said I am hanging on to them to send them out. He then demanded that we have a wine night where I have to tell him my whole life story... so I did.

SOrry this is so long. Ok so I also have a 4 yr old son. I told him my story about how I was with my ex bf but we broke up over the summer. I met my son's dad and we had a casual relationship where we both had a bf/gf but things weren't going well (really stupid), I wound up pregnant, etc. So anytime my bf and I got in a fight he would be sure to call me a cheating slut and I spread my legs for everyone.

Now to my son. My son is a typical 4 year old. He was 3 most of the time while we were together. Yes he would be whiny at times etc but all kids are. My bf was very mean and wanted me to spank my son for everything. Examples, waking up in the middle of hte night scared of a monster, wetting the bed or waking up too early.   He has said things like if I were you I'd spank him until he's purple until he understands who is boss.  We would fight constantly about my son and he would call me a bad mom etc. He called my son a "___ baby" once (my son is bi-racial), that his dad is a POS dad and that I should put my son up for adoption because he lives a messed up life having to go back and forth between Mom and Dad.

My bf is always accusing me of cheating on him which I nver once have. He even accused me of cheating on him with my Son's dad and he is now married. 

I'm leaving a lot out by I'm just writing the highlights that come to my head. So finally I had enough with my bf and decided to go visit my good friend that lives in another state (The one I was forbidden to talk to). I just wanted to get away. While I was there for some reason I missed my bf. I told him how much I missed him and I wanted us to work out, etc. My bf said ok but I need to make it up to him bc of all the messedup things "I' did. Like go on this trip. Which to this day he says I slept with my friend... .which I didn't.  His things were,,no guys for a year, I have to have anal sex with him at least once a week and sex every day and I have to be his #1 priority.

So here we are now... I'm going on day #3 of the silent treatment. On Wednesday I had a very busy day and I agreed to meet him for lunch and then he wanted to come over after work to see me. I didn't want to tell him that I had an appt with my therapist until 5 so I didn't tell him until after lunch. I texted him and said I'd be home at 530 so I could meet him then. He asked where I was going and I said I was going to my therapist. He of course flipped out and said oh of course you're going to someone who you're paying to tell you what you want to hear. You have all summer to go (I"m off work because I'm a teacher) and you choose today to go. MInd you I chose that day because its the one day of the week my son is with his dad. I told him no its because I don't have to find a sitter. He freaked out and said see you never put me first, I'll just do what you do and put you last. So, here I am being last. He hasn't talked to me since except for a, "What do you want?" text when I texted him why is he ignoring me.

He blames me for everything and says I did so many bad things to him. All I ever did was lie when I first met him about sleeping with a guy but it was out of fear not because I'm a liar. He says he can't trust me and how does he know if I'm every honest. THen he complains that I put my son over him and he's always last and whines if he doesn't get his way. What do you all think?

[HopefulDad]

I have to admit something about reading the stories everyone posts here: I absolutely find it fascinating what some of you put up with, especially those who are not married nor sharing child custody.  I struggle with the decision to stay with my high-functioning BPDw and despite her antics, they don't hold a candle to some of the stuff many of you deal with.  I'd be long gone in many of the situations I read about here.

sunnyskies, your story is an easy one.  Run.  Fast.  Don't look back.  This guy sounds like he has a major dose of NPD.

[sunnyskies]

Yes it is definitely a difficult thing. He always has a way of making me question myself and wondering if I really did cause it all. Ok yes I did lie but it was early in a relationship where I wanted him to think I was great. I was scared he'd think I was a promiscuous person when I'm really not. I'm not a liar in life, I just lied about that. This was almost 2 years ago and he can't get past it, even after he proposed etc.

[HopefulDad]

My bf said ok but I need to make it up to him bc of all the messedup things "I' did. Like go on this trip. Which to this day he says I slept with my friend... .which I didn't.  His things were,,no guys for a year, I have to have anal sex with him at least once a week and sex every day and I have to be his #1 priority.

I love his conditions on how you must make it up to him.  Is this guy for real?

[sunnyskies]

He's dead serious. He thinks I did so much "more" for other guys before I met him and I don't do "anything". He said I did more for my "f" buddies than him. Which is absolutely absurd. He said me having anal with him will prove that I'm serious and I want to make him happy and make up for the bad things that I did. I said to him even if I did it won't change your behavior. You will continue to call me a liar and a cheater and everything else. He is currently sending me links on how to make anal sex pleasurable.

[HopefulDad]

He's dead serious. He thinks I did so much "more" for other guys before I met him and I don't do "anything". He said I did more for my "f" buddies than him. Which is absolutely absurd. He said me having anal with him will prove that I'm serious and I want to make him happy and make up for the bad things that I did. I said to him even if I did it won't change your behavior. You will continue to call me a liar and a cheater and everything else. He is currently sending me links on how to make anal sex pleasurable.

So what's your play?

[sunnyskies]

I'm not doing it. I'm not lowering myself to have anal sex just to keep some guy. Screw that.

It's so annoying that he keeps saying I cheated on him and my "trip" ruined everything. THe trip happened way after all the drama ensued. I went on the trip to get the heck away. I didn't go to cheat on him but he won't stop saying I cheated. It's like he says it to stab at me. He said he went around and asked 7 girls if it was ok for me to go see my guy friend. Sure they'd all say no but they don't know the back story. They have no idea what I've been through. I think anyone would run away. I hate that he blames me and says Im the one that has making up to do because I lied when I first met him and then yea I deleted a text from my good guy friend but it was because I was forbidden from talking to him.

He said I better do anal sex by Wednesday. If I don't, he's gone.

[HopefulDad]

I'm not doing it. I'm not lowering myself to have anal sex just to keep some guy. Screw that.

It's so annoying that he keeps saying I cheated on him and my "trip" ruined everything. THe trip happened way after all the drama ensued. I went on the trip to get the heck away. I didn't go to cheat on him but he won't stop saying I cheated. It's like he says it to stab at me. He said he went around and asked 7 girls if it was ok for me to go see my guy friend. Sure they'd all say no but they don't know the back story. They have no idea what I've been through. I think anyone would run away. I hate that he blames me and says Im the one that has making up to do because I lied when I first met him and then yea I deleted a text from my good guy friend but it was because I was forbidden from talking to him.

He said I better do anal sex by Wednesday. If I don't, he's gone.

So if you told him further accusations of cheating will not be tolerated, what are you willing to do to enforce that?

If he leaves because you don't meet his Wednesday deadline, are you willing to let him walk?

If he threatens to leave because you don't meet his Wednesday deadline, are you willing to push him that final step?

[sunnyskies]

Yes I'm willing but I'll be sad. I know that sounds crazy but it's sad that his ultimate reason to go is because of that. I don't think

Any sex act proves anything and it's not a healthy way to

Fix a relationship. Call me craxy. I told him to run and tell his mom and his friends his stipulations and see if they think that's the best way to go about the situation, he refused.

[HopefulDad]

Well, I hope you have the strength to follow through with your resolve.  Because that resolve will indeed be tested.

Stay strong.

[Southeast]

I have to admit something about reading the stories everyone posts here: I absolutely find it fascinating what some of you put up with, especially those who are not married nor sharing child custody.  I struggle with the decision to stay with my high-functioning BPDw and despite her antics, they don't hold a candle to some of the stuff many of you deal with.  I'd be long gone in many of the situations I read about here.

sunnyskies, your story is an easy one.  Run.  Fast.  Don't look back.  This guy sounds like he has a major dose of NPD.

HopefulDad, I have asked myself why I put up with similar antics, ploys and attempted manipulations as SunnySkies has outlined here, since I am not married to my (undiagnosed) BPD BF. You would indeed think "You're not married! No custody issues! Run!". I am trying. I am working on myself bit by bit and one day I will be free.

Sunny... .WOW I can so relate to your situation, including planning trips when 'broken up', and then later being called a liar or accused of so many other things. I can relate to the contact with the opposite sex thing too. And sadly, I can also relate to the use of sex (by him) as some kind of manipulation or proof of my love.

I can read your post and think "Whew, she needs to get out now, for good", and yet I am stuck, myself. I'm trying to break out though. This is no life. It's just nothing but insanity.

[sunnyskies]

Hi Southeast. It helps to know at least I'm not the only one I guess. I feel stupid when I talk to my therapist because I sound silly when I talk to her yet I can't get myself to just walk away. I will walk away for a few hours then I'll get sad and talk to him.  I guess it's the thought of never speaking to him again makes me really sad.  I also worry that I'll never find someone like "him". Which is ridiculous because I want someone like the nice part of him not the horrible side.  I still can't sift through if I really created this mess or not. I know that how I feel and I feel as if he's punishing me for my past and and holding it over my head to make me feel bad.  If he can't handle my past and he wants to assume things about me then that is his problem right? He says that I am going to do it but why would I want to replay my past? It's just exhausting. Right now he is being nice to me but I know it won't last long. He is being shady though. He blocked me from his phone so the only way I can get ahold of him is through email and skype. He will only skype during the day while he is at work and he never responds to my email.  Sometimes he will get on skype but some nights he won't. I know if I cut him off like that he'd freak out on me and say I'm cheating on him but its perfectly acceptable for him to make himself unavailable. He claims its because I blow his phone up. No I don't.

[Numbnut]

I also worry that I'll never find someone like "him". Which is ridiculous because I want someone like the nice part of him not the horrible side.

Do I really need to say it?  Now, I am all for anal sex, but really?  Have sex with him every day and anal once a week or he leaves?  You should pray that you never find someone like "him."  I stayed in the most ridiculous BPD relationship exactly because I wanted the nice part of her and not the psycho side.  Two years of psychotherapy and I realized that you can't separate the two.  You will NEVER have only the "nice side."  EVER.  The most that you can hope for is that the "good/bad" percentage doesn't slip more to the bad than it already is, and as time goes on, I guarantee that it will. It is virtually inevitable.  And you know what else is also inevitable?  You are going to lose yourself trying to keep up with his insane demands.  "Let's be exclusive" on the first night you met? Classic BPD. That alone should make you run.  As my shrink said in my second visit and thousands of dollars ago, "run, don't walk, in the opposite direction!"  I've been through the whole thing.  I am a survivor and you can be too.