Dread

[Parents! Get help here!]

My BP/BPDd 21 moved out of my home in April to go live with her girlfriend and gf's family. I was so upset to see her go, but after a few weeks, it was heavenly. No more anxiety, nothing broken, no more verbal abuse, no fear of the neighbors reporting loud noise and arguing to the landlord (one more time and I'm evicted). While I felt a bit guilty for loving it that she was gone, it faded fast.

I got a call this evening from the people she's staying with. They want her out. They've had it with the tantrums and drama. She kept threatening to leave if she didn't get her way and so they said "please do". My daughter wants to come home. She has to wait until she gets her social security check August 3rd to leave in order to afford the trip.

She's my daughter and I love her dearly, but I do not look forward to her return. My T said if this situation would arise to have her placed in a boarding home. He says we are enmeshed - not good for either one of us. A boarding home is not a someplace I would want for my child, but it gives me an option if I have to make her leave to protect my home and/or my sanity.

I'm thinking about a contract with her spelling out rules and conditions for her to stay. Maybe get T involved. He's seen us both before. Not sure offhand what to include.

I am concerned about her finances. She receives SSDI and is required to have a representative payee. I used to be her payee, but it was switched to her girlfriend when she moved. The girlfriend is just going to give my daughter the debit card for her benefits and let my daughter manage her own money. That's a disaster in the making. One thing I'm sure of is that I do not want to be her payee again. It was nothing but fighting.

So... .guess I'm just trying to figure out how to be a good mom and protect myself at the same time. Any words of advice will be much appreciated.

[meantcorn34]

My BP/BPDd 21 moved out of my home in April to go live with her girlfriend and gf's family. I was so upset to see her go, but after a few weeks, it was heavenly. No more anxiety, nothing broken, no more verbal abuse, no fear of the neighbors reporting loud noise and arguing to the landlord (one more time and I'm evicted). While I felt a bit guilty for loving it that she was gone, it faded fast.

I got a call this evening from the people she's staying with. They want her out. They've had it with the tantrums and drama. She kept threatening to leave if she didn't get her way and so they said "please do". My daughter wants to come home. She has to wait until she gets her social security check August 3rd to leave in order to afford the trip.

She's my daughter and I love her dearly, but I do not look forward to her return. My T said if this situation would arise to have her placed in a boarding home. He says we are enmeshed - not good for either one of us. A boarding home is not a someplace I would want for my child, but it gives me an option if I have to make her leave to protect my home and/or my sanity.

I'm thinking about a contract with her spelling out rules and conditions for her to stay. Maybe get T involved. He's seen us both before. Not sure offhand what to include.

I am concerned about her finances. She receives SSDI and is required to have a representative payee. I used to be her payee, but it was switched to her girlfriend when she moved. The girlfriend is just going to give my daughter the debit card for her benefits and let my daughter manage her own money. That's a disaster in the making. One thing I'm sure of is that I do not want to be her payee again. It was nothing but fighting.

So... .guess I'm just trying to figure out how to be a good mom and protect myself at the same time. Any words of advice will be much appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hello meantcorn34,

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this dilemma... .There is no doubt that you are a loving mom, and want to help your daughter.

Reading your story, this would be a big concern if I were in your situation:

(one more time and I'm evicted).

If she is used to raging and being loud, a contract will not stop her from doing it when she gets dysregulated. And if one more time is enough for you to be evicted - what are you going to do when both you AND your daughter find yourselves without a home?

My T said if this situation would arise to have her placed in a boarding home. He says we are enmeshed - not good for either one of us. A boarding home is not a someplace I would want for my child, but it gives me an option if I have to make her leave to protect my home and/or my sanity.

What do you think about your T's statement that you and your daughter are enmeshed and living together would not be good for you two?

Please bear with me, I do not want to sound harsh - what you describe would mean you would place your daughter in a boarding home when you yourself are without a home due to being evicted after her raging... .

So, my question to you is this: how will you be able to help your daughter when you will have a hard time finding a place for yourself after an eviction?

You still have a bit of time to make a plan. If you don't like your Therapist's suggestion, then maybe there are other options? (Does your area have low-income housing that you could help your daughter get into?)

I am concerned about her finances. She receives SSDI and is required to have a representative payee.

If your daughter is required to have a representative payee, then her gf probably can't be that after your daughter moves out... .Is there anyone else besides you, who could do that? Does she have a case manager, or someone working with her in the system?

Does your T have any ideas how that could be managed?

Dear meantcorn34, I want you to know that being a good mom does not require you to give up your own safety, and stability... .

[Sstepdad]

It is easy to get overwhelmed in the urgency of their drama, from experience a written contract is worthless besides the fact that she cant re wright history.

Put yourself first if housing is in jeopardy, I think you know what will happen, habits die hard.

My SD goes into I don't care meltdowns and when it happens she is a hysterical out of control baby, no contract will stop an episode.

[madmom]

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this now.  I too felt a lot of relief when my daughter moved out and am working on getting myself in a better place and I would find that hard to give up right now.  I don't know what your town is like, but where I live they have an organization for people with mental health problems that will provide a person (usually a lawyer) that will manage money for clients.  I think they may take a small fee, but I know it isn't much.  They also assist with places to live etc.  Perhaps you can find something like that in your area.  I would also consider contacting your local NAMI group and mental health professionals  to see what help they can steer you to.  Because your daughter is having trouble at girlfriend's home, I doubt her behavior will change when she is back with you, so I hope something else can work out for her and you. Do you have anything like a Residence Inn in your area, that are like little apartments, but you don't have to sign a long term lease that she could live in for a while?  I know that I have a better relationship with my daughter when she isn't living with me, than when she is there.  Best wishes to you.  I hope things work out for both of you.

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Meantcorn34,

You poor thing!  I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, just when you were starting to enjoy some peace.

I agree with the others that you MUST take care of your own safety and well-being FIRST, or else where would you be when your DD gets you both thrown out?  It's like they tell you on an airplane, "Put your own oxygen mask on first, THEN put it on your children."  If YOU can't breathe, how can you help anyone else?

It's good you do have a couple of weeks to check into what resources and help is available.  I agree that your local NAMI is a good place to start.  I'm sure your DD still needs you, but wouldn't you be a much better emotional support for her if you set up practical assistance for her, like someone else to manage her money, and a separate place for her to live?  Delegating some of those tasks doesn't mean you're not there for her.  You are!  And you always will be.  That's what mothers do.  But, you can't if you don't set some boundaries in place for yourself. 

Please let us know what you find out.  And hang in there!