New to BPD family board

[Sam057]

Hello, I am the parent of a 19 yr old ddBPD.  She disappeared 2 days ago and best we have been able to investigate and put together, she checked herself into a rehab.  This is the third time in the last year she has runaway.  

She has started and failed college 3 times, and our family has tried everything we can, but she sticks to nothing and hates her mother.  

She was in a DBT both group and individual therapy.  She had gone 6 times to individual DBT and 3 group, before this last disappearance.  

She really resents her parents but can't pin point why. She feels like she needs to protect her younger siblings from her horrible parents yet she hasn't been able to stay in any one place for more than a couple of months.

She has tried emancipation herself twice (hasn't worked) and i haven't been able to find a way to deal with this.  She makes innuendos about the "things" she will do if we don't facilitate her.  I'm really at a loss, I have 4 other kids 2 that have personality issues that we addressing through therapy and because they are minors, I can participate.

My 19 ddBPD didn't become unglued until 1 month before her 18 birthday.  I am so tired of trying and feel so guilty because how did I not see this coming... .

We are not a household where any type of abuse happened. We are hard working, loving people that have made our family our priority.  Perfect, we haven't been but I just don't know where I go from here.

We love our ddBPD but how do I accept her disgust of us.

I am fearful for her future.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Hello Sam057

I can hear in your post how tired and dispirited you sound.

When a young person has BPD not only they but the whole family suffer tremendous stress- the good news is that there are ways of communicating with your daughter and understanding BPD that can help alleviate the strain.

Can I suggest that you join us on the board for parents --Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board

My own daughter sometimes expresses hatred of me and resentment towards me-she is highly sensitive and , although I have tried to be a supportive parent, I know I have unintentionally hurt her in the past.

I have learned a lot on the parent's board about how to communicate with her more effectively.

There is information in the box on the right hand side of the parents' board which is a good place to start.

I also have found the people on there to be extremely supportive and compassionate because they have had similar experiences.

I hope you will join us there.

[DreamFlyer99]

Hi Sam057! i'd like to add my welcome to Lever's!

This sounds like a very tough situation indeed, and while I know they used to say BPD grew out of early abuse that isn't the common thinking now as they see it can happen without that abusive background. I hope you can stop beating yourself up about her accusations, it's hard enough to see a child suffer without having them see you as the source. And one thing I've seen with my husband (undiagnosed but with BPD traits) is that whatever he is feeling at that moment equals the Truth, which means it could be totally different on a different day.

The board Lever suggested is a great supportive board with members who know exactly what you're dealing with. It's great to know we're not alone on this journey. 

I'm so glad you're here!

dreamflyer99

[HealingSpirit]

Hi Sam057,

What a difficult, scary situation you're dealing with!  My DD is 17, and was fairly recently dx with BPD.  She only ran away once, but it was very upsetting to DH and me.

Like your DD, ours also hates us at times.  And we are also hard-working, loving parents who care deeply about our DD.  There has been no "abuse" in our household either, though I know our DD suffered various "traumas" from things that happened in the past that wouldn't be considered traumatic for someone less sensitive.

I understand how tired of dealing with this you feel!  Sometimes, I just want to give up.  Then, I feel guilty.  You're not alone!  And there are lots of resources here to help YOU cope.

Hang in there!

[SeaSprite]

Hi Sam, nope, you don't have to be bad parents to have these problems. And there are no perfect parents.

My d16 works really hard when she is hurting to trump up charges against us, and I think somewhere inside she knows they are complete BS. It's almost like she's so upset, so mad at herself, that she really needs it to be someone else's fault that she isn't doing well. It's too scary to believe that she's just not coping well, or that she's not making good choices, or that her depression/anxiety make her less capable than she would be otherwise.

[SeaSprite]

I have gotten better at talking to my D16 after finding dpdfamily though. There are some good resources here, plus it's so helpful to me to hear from other parents dealing with kids for whom standard parenting practices just don't apply.

I have friends with well adjusted kids doing great things at school and in their community, and while I am happy for them, sometimes it is painful to see the contrast with my own daughter and her struggles. There are some FB posts I skim, click a quick "like" because I do love my friends and their kids, but then move on and not think about it too much. It just hurts.

[emafia11]

 

I am a parent of a D17, he has been hospitalized over the last 5 years at least 12 times.  I am a single mom and I am so happy I have found this site.  I too have the guilt and hurt that are somedays too much to bear.  I have read several books and try using the DBT regularly.  Currently we are struggling with a severe bout of depression, sleeping most of the day away and little to noe communication with me.  He was recently picked up and charged with a misdemeanor for drug paraphanelia.   :'( . 

I pray every day, every hour for this too ease for him ( and me), some days are easier than others. 

Sam, we are not bad parents , it has taken me a long time to stop blaming myself, in fact stop blaming anyone.  It is a mental disorder that we will live with but we do not need to let it rule our lives.

RETRAIN YOUR BRAIN,  this is my new mantra... .I pray for all of you and appreciate all your support. I am here for all you !

[lever.]

In the box to the right just above the tools is a very good link ":)id I cause this"- it has caused me to give a great deal of thought to my relationship with my DD from her childhood onwards.

I know that I have done my best as her parent and have not neglected or deliberately abused her -and yet looking back, because I did not fully understand her special needs I have sometimes hurt her without intending to.

I could have communicated with her much better if I had had the knowledge that I do now,

I don't dwell on this in order to blame myself but more to see what I really need to put right and try harder with in future.

I don't think it helps to blame ourselves-BPD is a brain-based disorder and we didn't actually cause it-but it is also good to examine our own behavior openly.

We are caring parents or we would not be here seeking help.

I think tis article is very useful.

[HealingSpirit]

Thank you Lever, for suggesting the link, ":)id I cause this?"  I just read it again and it provides excellent, reassuring information about the origins of BPD.  Sam, SeaWalker, and Emafia, I hope you take Lever's recommendation and read it too. 

When I first found this site, I was depressed and guilt-ridden because everything I'd read about BPD suggested that it was caused by trauma and abuse.  My T loaned me a book about BPD that was written in the 1970s.  It had a lot of outdated information.  I found it so depressing, I gave it back to him without finishing it.  I'm the neuro-typical one in my family;  I'm the one with good emotional intelligence.  So, it was nearly unbearable for me to accept that I had somehow "abused" my DD by occasionally yelling at her when I was angry or frustrated, or that I had "neglected" her because I had to go back to work part-time. 

I felt tremendous relief when I started reading Shari Manning's book, "Loving Someone with BPD."  She said a sensitive, highly emotional  child can feel invalidated simply by growing up in a family where no one else has such strong emotional reactions. Much like a Swan would feel invalidated growing up in a family of Ducks.  Bingo!  She described my family dynamic in a way that made sense and relieved my guilt.

I wish I'd known HOW I was invalidating my DD when she was younger.  The good news is, I know NOW how to validate her feelings, and it is already helping soothe our relationship.

Sam, have you had any news of your DD yet?  Please let us know how you're coping.  It is very hard sometimes.

 

[Sam057]

Thank you everyone for your responses.  I am so thankful I found the support system.  I have been feeling so lonely and in such despair.  My family and friends try to understand and be supportive but they just don't seem to understand.  I really can't blame them, because I don't understand.

My husband heard from my daughter a few days ago.  She said she was very depressed and using pot a lot and felt unsupported and felt this was the best option for her.  She also said she didn't want to speak to me because I talk down to her and make her feel bad.  She has called a couple of times after, and the last time called asking for money.

I reached out to her DBT therapist and he suggested the customary path.  Speak with your husband, decide what you will and won't do, set boundaries, and for now all you can do is wait.  My brain knows this advise is sound but my heart just can't accept it. 

She hasn't called in a couple of days but has called hyper friend and grandmother.  I expect she will call again when she needs something because that seems to be all we are good for.  She has 2 brothers and 2 sisters and thankfully this time around seem to be pretty unaffected by this most recent dissapearance. 

My youngest daughter also has had some serious mental health challenges.  Back in January, when her BPD sister left for a second time, she became suicidal, heard auditory hallucinations and was hospitalized for a week.  She is currently on anti depressants and has been in therapy for close to a year.  She is only 9

I am so afraid that I will relive this hell with her.  I am so tired, tired of the emotional and financial strain, but most of all I am sad for what we have lost... a sense of normalcy, a sense I feel I will never get back.

I live observing my children for any sign of mental illness.  Although our oldest has been diagnosed with BPD and bipolar, often there is a conflict among the clinician about her diagnosis. 

I am a fixer, tell me your problem, let's find a solution-this problem I can't solve. Our family has been shaken at its core and I hate it and more so resent my BPD daughter, and as I write those words, I hate myself, because I know, no mother should ever admit to feeling that.

I have always had a strong sense of faith and spirituality, but I have got to say I am angry at God, the universe, karma... .and anything else I have been told is the reason for the unraveling of my family.

I just want to dissapear.   

I am thankful my BPD daughter is in a rehab, getting help, but I am skeptical... .the rehab is not on our insurance so I wonder if at the end of this road... .

[mama72]

Sam057,

I have tears in my eyes as I read your post. I am so sorry you are having to suffer and feel such despair. I hope you are finding some time for yourself, to enjoy the things that lift you up in life.

I have no great words of wisdom for you, except take one day at a time. I use to think this was such a lame cliche, but am finding it to be very true.

Blessings to you, friend.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Sam057, I'm really sorry things are so sad and stressful for you... .It's good, though, that you've found out where your daughter is, and that you know she is safe, at least. Is she by any chance in a Dual Diagnosis Program this time? It is a Rehab that treats the mental illness(es) as the primary problem, and the drug abuse/addiction(s) as co-morbid to the mental health issues. That was (finally) the type of Program that saved my son from his addiction and BPD. I'm actually pretty impressed that your daughter checked herself in, and you didn't need to struggle to get her to go. I wish her well... .

I'm also sorry about your younger daughter; it's great that she's in Therapy, but it very sad that such a young girl needs to deal with such things. I can understand your stress and pain over all of this; mama72 is right: are you doing things to take care of yourself? Even though your friends or family might not truly understand what you are going through, can you hang out with them or even just chat with them about other things to "feel normal" for a while? I understand that the "fixer" in you is crying out for some sort of solution; I daresay that every Parent on this Message Board is here because of the same personality trait 

I also understand the cries to Heaven, trying to understand just why things are the way they are... .I've had my share of that for years and years in the past, and it's a very lonely place to find oneself. I don't know the answer to why the human condition is so full of pain and sorrow; I do know that the pain a parent feels for the suffering and self-destruction our children go through is one of the worst there is.

When I was feeling at the bottom of the abyss a few years ago, I never could've seen that there was any light at all at the end of the tunnel. But there was, and being here on this site helped me get to that point... .Please keep posting here and letting us know how things are going; we would love to know what happens with your older daughter, and more about your younger one. We are always here, and want to help you, Sam057 

[HealingSpirit]

Oh Sam057,

  BIG HUG!  You sound so hurt and shattered.  It sounds like you're at the end of your rope.  I have been there as well.  Something you said really jumped out at me... .

I am a fixer, tell me your problem, let's find a solution-this problem I can't solve. Our family has been shaken at its core and I hate it and more so resent my BPD daughter, and as I write those words, I hate myself, because I know, no mother should ever admit to feeling that.

I am a fixer too!  In fact, I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix it so you feel better right now.    What I can tell you is I was also at the end of my rope, when I first found this site.  My DD is 17, and a cutter.  We just dealt with her first mental hospital stay in May. The good thing about that is we now KNOW it's BPD we're dealing with and there are lots of tools and support here that have already helped us since then.  So I have renewed Hope for the first time in years.  And I found it right here on this site.

You can't change or fix your BPDD, but you CAN learn a few new skills that will really help de-escalate the situation and help you cope.  I don't want to overwhelm you, so I recommend you start by clicking on a couple of the "TOOLS" to the right of the screen.  I have found that listening with S.E.T (sympathy, empathy, and truth) has changed the dynamic between my DD and me.

It's good you already found the Parenting board.  You'll see that you're not alone in feeling resentful of your DD!  In fact, it's a common feeling among many of us parents of BPD offspring.  You're obviously a loving, concerned mom, or you wouldn't be here.  Loving someone with BPD can cause us to feel spent and used up after dealing with too much BPD drama over time.  I know you'll find lots of support and empathy here, not judgment or criticism.  God knows, we get enough of that everywhere else!

I'm so sorry you're dealing with a second child with mental illness as well. You poor thing!  You're dealing with a double whammy.  I'm so glad you found us! I'd like to offer you some encouragement about something else you said... .

I have always had a strong sense of faith and spirituality, but I have got to say I am angry at God, the universe, karma... .and anything else I have been told is the reason for the unraveling of my family.

Oh Honey, I hear your anger!  I think this is a very normal way to feel about BPD (or any mental illness).  You probably already know that anger is one of the stages of grief.  Have you ever thought of it this way?  I have personally come to realize I've been grieving a lot since my DD became a teenager.  My family life isn't what I wanted it to be because of BPD, my DD is going in a direction I never envisioned for her because of BPD, and watching my friends' teenagers get scholarships and go away to college really hurts because I wanted that for MY DD as well.  But it didn't happen that way... .because of BPD.  So, I'm grieving and moving on to the best of my ability.

Is it possible you're grieving too?  If so, can you forgive yourself and let yourself grieve the loss of the "normal" family you always wanted?  Once you process through the sadness, you can see HOPE at the other end.  

We're here for you!

[Sam057]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for your kind words and insight.  I am working thru the site and trying to obtain the necessary skills thru the tools on the site.  I gotta to say, I'm struggling ... .I went through SET and it sounds great, but when I see how my dd would respond in the example-not even close.

I know that many people who deal with a BPD loved one feels manipulated, but then are told that BPD don't realize they are manipulative.  My dd goes around saying we don't support her, we don't love her, we don't accept her, all along she  doesn't realize we give money to the family she was living with, we have paid her medical bills, her therapies... .She is annoyed with us because we don't move on and accept her.  She didn't want to live in our house, she felt our rules were unreasonable, then spread rumors we we drug addicts and that her siblings were being abused.  That I am a bad mother because I work and that the kids spend a few hours a day alone.  My other kids ar 15,14, 11 and 9.

Her defiance is something I have never dealt with.  I can almost guarantee that if I put down a rule , she will go ahead and break it, announce what she has done and  go behind our backs and tell her sibling a reason why the rule was stupid.

I understand I am in the grieving process, and as you can tell by my posts, I am angry.  I want nothing more than to help my ddBPD  get her life together, but she wants selective help, and that selective help makes me feel used.

My 9 year old is a cutter  and we have worked very hard using SET and she responds well to it. 

Regarding the rtc, I believe it is dual diagnosis, I just find it very strange.  She was admitted with no id (she left her wallet in her friends car), it is not on our insurance and my husband hasn't received any calls from the facility.  Our ddBPD did tell him she would sign a release so that we could speak to the facility, but nothing.

I wish I had a crystal ball.

Thank you again for all your sound advice, I promise to make it my goal to reach the level of acceptance many of you have been able to obtain.

- Sam057

[Sam057]

Good morning! 

So I have been laying in bed struggling with what I wrote on my last post and I think I need to explain how my story unraveled.

It was November 2012, my husband and I had a work event and we came home around 9pm that Sunday night.  When we got home, our dd(17 at the time) came in and told us that she could not deal with school. She was suffering panic attacks and couldn't take it.  I made an appointment the next day with her pediatrician to discuss what was going on.  I also got the name a therapist that specialized in adolescence.  Our pediatrician prescribed something for the anxiety, ran some labs and sent us packing.  He reminded me that my daughter had always been a bit complicated and to be patient. We had an appointment the following day with the therapist.  She advised me that my daughter was depressed.  Psychotherapy continued weekly for 2 months, the decline continued with my daughter and her anger began to shift towards me.  In those 2 months my pediatrician prescribed an anti-depressant and increased the dosage once.  In Febuary 2013 we went to the first psychiatrist, he confirmed diagnosis of depression and and added anxiety disorder to the mix.  Ans then we began the adventure of rx drugs.  my dd tried 4 different anti depressants, shifted between ativan and klonopin as well as adderrall and vyvanse.  All the while I would ask the psychiatrist why so many shifts and my concern she was dealing and abusing the rx drugs.  By now she was 18 and the power struggle began.

My dd cheated on a total of 4 drug tests and during the next couple of months her life seems to spiral out of control.  She was taken out of school and placed on a home bound program however slept most of the day and made few of her online classes.  By this time we were trying to change therapists because we could saw not improvement or progress with the therapist so we decreased frequency to 2x a month.

So we get to May 2013, her highschool prom.  She says she doesnt want to go but wants to go to the afterparty.  we say OK and to please check in and let us know all is OK.  We had family event the next day that she was expected to attend.  She calls at 11pm that her car keys were lost and that she would come home when she found them.  We never heard from her again that night and she never came home.  In a panic, we look into her phone logs and begin to call the last numbers. a guy answers and passes the phone to her.  She claims to now have had aphone stolen and her keys missing.  Her dad says, glad your OK and proceed with the plans we had for the day. 

She gets angry at us for continuing our day without her and spends her time call the phone company to request a cell phone replacement.  We get home, she acts like nothing happened and proceeds to tell, not ask, her dad to call the phone company and get her a new phone.  When we say no, that she will need to figure out something else she explodes with anger.

A couple of days later, still with no phone, I get home from work and we get into a lively discussion about the inappropriate behavior and sense of entitlement.  She tells me she just wants to die and she has thought about it so many times... .I tell her we need to go then to a hospital.  I reach out to her psychiatrist and therapist at that time and both tell me to "call her bluff".  So off I go... .I went to the local children's hospital, unaware that after 18, they would send her to an adult facility.  THey did an intake, drew labs and had us there for over 5 hours.  Once the labs were in, they asked for my daughter's consent to tell me the results and she refused... .She did however publicly admitted to marijuana and other recreational drug use.

At about 4am in the morning my dd is taken to an Adult facility via ambulance and I am told to go home.  Up until now again all we have as a dx is depression and anxiety.  I did find out my dd stopped her antidepressant abruptly without consulting anyone in her clinical team.

She spends a week in the hospital, behavior is erratic, she is impulsive and she seems overly medicated and speaks without any filters.  We take her food everyday because se is a picky eater, we visit and I am only able to speak once with the psychiatrist overseeing her care.  The program was a joke and it was also when i first realized that mental health in the US is fragmented, ineffective and unaffordable.  And even if none of that is true, dealing with a system that gives families no voice, is beyond frustrating.  I look at the homeless so differently now, because I think how many of them had a family who cared but could not do anything because their hands where tied.  Mental Illness in a family issue, a community issue and its a disservice to those who need help.

So a week goes by and I need to leave with my other 4 children and husband stays back.  He picks her up from the hospital, no one speaks to him and dd is sent home with a whole new set of meds.  Dad gets her rx filled, they have dinner, go and he makes sure she takes her meds an he goes to sleep.  On that same night she takes one of our cars and goes to a party.  Her dad never hears a thing... .

Next day I get home and I am told of what happened by a friend of my dd.  When confronted she tells us she felt it was her right to go out and have a good time after we sent her to the hospital with all those "crazies" .  The sneaking out continues, I resort to sleeping on the sofa as a deterrent, but the one night I fall asleep in my bed, she leaves again.  She brings home a friend that is under some type of drug.  The next morning I am talking to them about how exciting this time should be in their lives and that they now have the opportunity to define themselves and that to really think about what that meant and all the possibilities.

By this time school was a disaster and it didn't look good... Graduation seemed likely not to happen, however when I went to return her books, I was told that they knew our dd had the potential to do great things and that all her teachers felt like her current life circumstance shouldn't derail her future, so she was allowed to graduate.  The week preceding graduation, during a family event, she took off and went missing.  She texted from someone's phone  a few hours later, that she was fine and not to look for her.  We had held to our boundaries of no phone replacement... .She had however used her computer to defame me all over FB, twitter and instagram.  She reappears 2 days later, 2 days before her graduation and her dad tells to enjoy her last night of technology because we had had enough. 

Well, we woke up the next morning, she left a goodbye note... .I informed her therapist, her psychiatrist and her friends.  We had no idea where she was, she had no phone... .We were scared.  A couple of hours later I get a message from her psychiatrist that she is in his lobby telling anothe patient we kicked her out and she has no money, no phone and is homeless and now is when the story gets really interesting... .  All this happened in 7 months... .prior to this, my daughter was an athlete, gifted student and just a joy to have around... .I miss her terribly.

I will finish the story later today because I have to get ready for another day.

[SeaSprite]

as I write those words, I hate myself, because I know, no mother should ever admit to feeling that.

I want to echo that this is totally normal, and does not make you a bad mother or a bad person.

And while I understand that for many people faith helps them through crisis, and I wouldn't want to take that away from them, to me it can also be really hard to hear platitudes like "God has a plan" or "God won't give you more than you can handle" etc. Please don't let any of these things that well meaning people who are trying to be comforting send you on a guilt trip. They are saying what makes THEM feel better. 

I think it's normal to be angry at the universe when the universe hands you a big ol' handful of poo! Doesn't mean you'll be angry forever either.

I hope things get better for your family and that your daughter comes through to the other side of whatever it is inside her that is making her life so much harder than it has to be. There are so many ways our children can break our hearts, and watching them be their own worst enemies has to be near the top of the list.

[jellibeans]

Dear Sam

I was hoping to hear the rest of the story... .certainly is interesting how things went off track so fast. Can you update us?

My dd17 was hospitalize for a week in June and we have been trying to stablize her ever since... .I hate to say it but hospitals sometimes just add to the problem especially when there are med changes... .I think my dd is only starting to gain some stability recently. Hopefully your dd rehab will help with that... .do you think it could have been the drug use that set her off? Often when a teen starts acting differently there are usually drugs involved. Hope you are hanging in there... .post when you can.

[DreamFlyer99]

Wow Sam, I see why the grief is so bad, having your daughter change that drastically in 7 months. At that age, did she get checked out for hormonal imbalances at all? I'm sorry things have gone so sideways so quickly. From what I know of my uBPDmother she was "always" a difficult one, stirring things up etc. but there were also Narcissistic elements to her personality. I wish I knew more about her childhood to understand, like was she an extra sensitive child. I know that as a young adult I thought I saw some great sadness behind her outward anger.

I wonder if it has been a sudden onset thing for other people's children. My familiarity has been mostly with my uBPDhusband, and honestly it makes sense that if an adult will find someone else to blame for their problems, very often the spouse, then a child would do the same thing to a parent. That whole projecting thing that's more about how they feel than about what they really think about you, yunno? It seems more like we are the safe one to be angry with, like they're trying to offload their feelings onto us to carry.

And as for your anger, I'm sure I would feel that way too if everything were tipped upside down.

dreamflyer99

Also, it seems to me that healthcare in general in the US is fragmented--rather than treating the whole person, Western Medicine seems to favor that approach, and at least in my healthcare system everything is very lab test oriented rather than how does the person feel, what symptoms are they having that might be treated by tweaking this or that in the whole person's needs. It's very frustrating.

[SeaSprite]

I wonder if it has been a sudden onset thing for other people's children.

For my D16 it was both sudden and not. She had always seemed like my easy, happy kid.    Older sister struggled with a lot of things, and D16 was just up for everything, cheerful, competent. Then in the 8th grade, she developed anemia, then depression, then anxiety, then suicidal ideation, then cutting, and we've been on a roller coaster since.

However, with hindsight,    I can see precursors of BPD (or maybe NPD) when she was little. She would get a stomach ache when I asked her to clean her room. If she thought she made a mistake at school that the teacher might correct her about, she would shut down for the next hour or so. If she had a misunderstanding with her friends she would go pout while her friends would try to talk her out of being sad. She would sometimes not want to participate in activities that she didn't know how to do, she was a perfectionist. She would lie to hide small mistakes. And since so many things came easily to her, she didn't really have to learn persistence or resilience. And because she was smart and pretty and other kids wanted to be her friend, she didn't have to learn how to BE a good friend. And because she was usually so fun and pleasant to be around, even adults were invested in keeping her happy, because her unhappiness was so rare and pitiful. She was accidentally spoiled rotten. 

[DreamFlyer99]

That, Seawalker, is really interesting! But who would notice those tiny things when they were happening as anything that might lead down this path? I sure wouldn't have.

df99

[SeaSprite]

That, Seawalker, is really interesting! But who would notice those tiny things when they were happening as anything that might lead down this path? I sure wouldn't have.

df99

Thank you  ! I surely did not. I was aware of her perfectionism from the time she was tiny, and tried to help her to be easier on herself, tried to encourage her to try and to brush off failure, because a willingness to try and resiliency seem like necessary ingredients for a good life. But the depression/anxiety/suicidal ideation/cutting took me completely by surprise.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sam057]

Good evening everyone,

I was hoping to finish my story sooner but here I go... .I hope this alert anyone that sees sudden changes or is told their child just has a complicated personality not to wait and hope for the best.  Get help, and don't ever stop listening to your intuition.  I can look back now and can identify missed opportunities.

So my daughter takes herself to an outpatient rehab we visited when she initially got out of the hospital and paints an elaborate story.  During which my husband and I are frantically reaching out to family and friends.

We receive a call from the director of the rehab facility, a facility my daughter is not patient of and I am told that he believes that our dd is living in a toxic family environment and that it is his professional opinion she should not come back.  He further notifying us that he has contacted my brother and his family has agreed to take her in.  And so the plot thickens... .

My sister in law picks her up.  My dd begins to weave a very elaborate story that ultimately severs my relationship with my brother and his family.  I spoke with my brother and advised him of her ex, her drug and alcohol use and her defiance.  He tells me that I am overreacting and that he would speak to her and that this would put to some distance between us.  Please note my brother was in the middle of an international move and has 3 boys (15,10,8j. My heart was telling me that my dd intention was to move with them.  Everyone thought I was crazy.

Later that week, I go to our church, were dd has volunteered for several years and speak to the youth minister.  The youth minister tells me that my dd has been saying she is moving to Spain for the last 2 months he also counsels me that my dd will need to leaern the hard way because she was deceitful and manipulative and that eventually she would burn all her bridges.

I advise my brother and tells me that my dd is doing great and they love having her around.  She graduates from high school, I do not go-my heart couldn't take it. That last 2 weeks, then one day at 2 am I get a text from my brother that Dd had once again broken the rules and he didn't want her there anymore and would take her stuff to my mom's house.  I have never spoken to my brother again.  I reached out on several occasions by phone , text and email and and no response.

Dd comes back home, no sense of remorse.  She felt like we had pushed her to that level. She continues to decompensate, therapists aren't working, psychiatrist can't stabilize her and then she decides she will go away to college.  At this point we believe this would be the lesser evil. This turns out to be a disaster. Within a month, she is thrown out of the apartment, injures her knee and comes up with an elaborate stories (3) of what happened.

1-she cell running from the police

2-she took som drugs and was tripping and fell in a ditch

3-she fell skateboarding

To date we don't t

Know the truth.

I went up to bring her down to get medical care as well as move her out of the apartment she was evicted from.

She spent 4 days in the hospital with an infection.  Dropped out of school because of medical leave and the therapists, psychiatrist cycles begin again.  She goes throughout psyche testing and invalidated the test by answering all questions with the name answer.she doesn't show up to scheduled appointment with psychiatrists or therapists.  Go t to the point the healthcare providers refused to schedule an appointment unless I agreed to take her.

During this time she is an using ex drugs, smoking pot and breaking every rule of the hose, she is sleeping all day, up all night, going for runs at 1in the morning and I can go on... .And then... .

My husband rescued a 2 week old kitten and we we nursing it and after about 10 days, i could not take it with me to work so my husband tell our dd to watch it, she misplaces the kitten in our house, leaves the house without locating input and later that day, my 10 year old fins sit dead outside.  To make matters worse, it was my son's birthday. We were all devasted.  Our dd blamed me for overreacting and didn't even apologize. 

At this point, after putting her psychiatrist about his rx practices, I got him to stop prescribing klonopin and Ativan, took her to another psychiatrist who recommended rtc.  Luckily my sister works for a large company that manages mental health hospitals and rtc.  She was there for a month and I can remember it like yesterday telling her " you have a choice- you can choose to be independent, we will help you for the next 6 months or if you want to be part of the family you need to understand that we need to rebuild our family.  We can't have you using our family as a revolving door.

At this point my 9 year daughter begins cutting herself.  Dd agrees to come home, follow the guidelines we discussed in rtc family therapy, meet with therapist 2x week and change psychiatrist.  We had two good weeks and 2 weeks of decompensate on and then she left again.

At this point we stuck to our guns and said we wished her well and that we loved her but we could no longer live with her choices.  My dd left on a Thursday, and on Sunday  my 9 yo tried jumping out our 2nd story window.  On Monday I took her to therapy and between the therapist, psychiatrist and I we decided she needed to be hospitalized.  My 9 y/o was hospitalized for 1 week and was diagnosed with major depressive disorder with psychotic features.  She was hearing voices telling her to hurt herself.  My 9y/o attends therapy weekly, takes antidepressant medication and needs special accommodations in school in order to function.  I took 3 months of from work to try to stabilize her.  One of the biggest issues -my dd told my 9 y/o that I didn't  love her.  Creating an enormous insecurity in her.

Dd takes a loan out, finds a job and we are hopeful that our family in the trigger and that away from us she will do will and we could begin to heal.  We struggle finding boundaries we could live with but work very hard through therapy to come up with an effective strategy but dd seems to always be sabotaging our attempts to normalize our family relations with her.

Lastly this past May, she broke down and said she couldn't function, she couldn't work, she dropped  one of her classes and couldn't get herself to see how she did in the other two classes.  We told her we needed to set some ground rules in order for her to come back.  What she left out was that she was back in town living with a personal family friend and she had left all her belonging back in the apartment she was living in.  At the same time, I asked my 15 yo son to let me see his text messages with her to try to evaluate her state of mind.

What I found, I was not prepared for... .he had tried marijuana and his ds told him that he needed to take more that a couple of puffs to get night and that she could get him the really good stuff.  Coming home for her was not going to be an option right now.

My husband and I meet with her and tell her that we are willing to help her.  That we understand that she in not functional, she can't handle school, work and life in general.  We said we would start by laying for DBT therapy as long as she understood that it was a long term commitment.  That we would finish paying her appt through the remainder of the lease and that then we could discuss her use of a car.  It's been a power struggle all the way.

She was living with a friends family that have had experience with a decompesated family member, I would give the mom a weekly contribution for room/board and I took her to therapy every Tuesday.  After 6 weeks of individual therapy and 3 group, she is gone again.  We had a fight, my frustration got the best of me, then her dad wrote her an email supporting me and the mom of the friend whose house she was staying at also supported our viewpoint.  Too many people opposing her so true to her coping mechanism, she found a rehab, and left with in 12 hours found a rehab that would pick her up and take her away.  She told no one what she was doing, just left a note to her friend and left.

So now she's been there over a week.  No one in her clinical team has heard from the facility or from my dd.  She refuses to speak to me and has spoken to her dad a few times, usually because she needs money.  She says she plans to file independent as a homeless person.

She has been dx BPD, bipolar, depression, add and who knows what else... .

I can tell you looking back that she was a difficult baby to soothe, she was very intense in her feelings and opinions, she had great social skills but poor people skills, and has a dynamite personality.  She cannot handle any conflict, and if challenged goes into a panic attack. 

The manifestation of her decompensate occurred at the magic age of 18.  She has oppositional defiance with me and I often feel like she is competing with me.  All I want to do is help her and because she vilifies me I am left as a spectator in the life of one of the most precious people in my life.

[Sam057]

Sorry, I forgot to respond to a few questions... .

She was checked for hormonal imbalance, brain scans. She has done acupuncture, reiki healing, yoga and even body talk.  We have tried mind, body and spirit approaches.

Also worth mentioning,  my dd has always been a hypochondriac.

For my 9y/o the reiki healings have been incredibly beneficial as well as the body talk.  I never thought I would explore these holistic avenues but I am very glad I did.

I am so thankful for all of the support, suggestions and insights you have shared with me.

[DreamFlyer99]

I'm so glad you've explored those things and found them useful for your 9 year old! I'd imagine she had no idea how to deal with the mess happening with her sister... .

What a crazy ride you've been on, i'm really sorry to hear all that. But it sounds like your husband is on the same page as you which is so great!

[HealingSpirit]

Oh Sam,

My goodness!  You've really been through the wringer with both your girls.  Your eldest DD is a little older than my DD17, but DH and I have also suffered the defamation of character from the "lovely" things our DD has told others about us when she's mad. 

It's hard to get over the pain and hurt from that! I still get triggered when my DD says things that are not true to her BF like, "My mom thinks we should break up."  DH and I try not to influence her choices in relationships, so her perceptions come out of the blue, but she has a way of making others believe what she's telling them is true.

Like you, we have experienced the ups and downs of the BPD roller coaster.  We're [THANKFULLY!] in a calm spell at the moment, but we've had our share of dramatic crises too.  The last one caused me to come looking for support, hence I found this site. 

We also suffered a permanent rift in our family that sprang from my DD's misunderstanding and misinterpretation of her father's quirky Asperger behavior.  (DD was in puberty at the time and DH was clueless that there are some things you don't say to a young teenage girl.) So our DD told her adult cousin (23) how she was feeling, and the cousin (a Women's Studies major) decided my DH was being abusive to our DD.  I assure you, he wasn't.  But the cousin filled our DD's head with all the right "abuse" language to use, so when DD shared her feelings to a new therapist, the T reported us to Family Services.  It all got straightened out, and the charge was completely unfounded.  But, DH had to move out for 2 weeks and live in a hotel until it got cleared up.

Needless to say, we're no longer on speaking terms with the cousin because she would rather be "right" about her own ideas than listen to the facts we gave her.  That whole mess caused a rift right through our family because we choose not to attend any function at my Aunt & Uncle's house if the cousin will be present.  My dad & stepmom also choose not to go as well, which means he doesn't get to see his sister very often anymore.  So sad!  I'm so sorry how things went with your brother.

I'm all for healing family problems, but I've personally come to the conclusion that not ALL problems can or should be worked out when dealing with toxic people.  Especially when people have their own history and agendas to push, and there is no interest in clarification of facts on their part.

The reason I'm telling you all this is because I understand how scary it is to have some new therapist and other people you've never even met be given the WRONG idea about you, all based on the pwBPD's interpretation. I've been through it and it does leave painful scars. 

I do think it is good news that your DD checked herself into rehab.  I hear your fear that she is just playing the game and using the system... .but maybe they'll actually get through to her.  Somehow, we have to hold onto hope that they will eventually get tired of the drama they create and they'll learn how to stop.  And perhaps this rehab will also help her to make amends to you and others she has hurt or misled.

In the meantime, we all have each other here.  You can vent anytime!  And you're doing a great job with your other 2 kids.  Perhaps with your older DD out of the picture for a while, your DD9 will calm down and come out of her depression.  I do think the raging hormones during puberty cause BPD symptoms to worsen.

Hang in there!