revealing texts

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

so I broke NC and told my ex my dog was dying.

she sent an emoticon crying face.  like this :'(   

it kind of pissed me off. 

I  texted I don't like texts or snapchat because it is so fake I don't feel any real emotion from you.

she texted: What do you want me to say? Im sorry about [your dog] but sure lets talk soon I need my stuff from your house

Me:Honestly I just want to be conforted by the only person I ever really trusted with the vulnerable parts of my heart.  I want you to say yeah that's me I have a place for you in my heart that will never die.

she read it and no response 10 mins later I text.

Me: Chameleon soul changing colors like the wind afraid to feel something real because of the emptiness within

she responds: you always will blimblam always

[Blimblam]

so I broke NC and told my ex my dog was dying.

she sent an emoticon crying face.  like this :'(   

it kind of pissed me off. 

I  texted I don't like texts or snapchat because it is so fake I don't feel any real emotion from you.

she texted: What do you want me to say? Im sorry about [your dog] but sure lets talk soon I need my stuff from your house

Me:Honestly I just want to be conforted by the only person I ever really trusted with the vulnerable parts of my heart.  I want you to say yeah that's me I have a place for you in my heart that will never die.

she read it and no response 10 mins later I text.

Me: Chameleon soul changing colors like the wind afraid to feel something real because of the emptiness within

she responds: you always will blimblam always

[Frankcostello]

I would let it go.  She doesn't care at the moment.  She's probably too busy with whoever she's shacking up with at the moment. I would forget her, and move on.  However don't ever forget how she treated you when you needed her.  At the moment she's being selfish and only cares about her feelings, she doesn't care how you feel.  Why allow yourself to care about someone who doesn't care for you now.  Long term you'll be glad you left her alone and moved on.

[goldylamont]

in a way i think you may have to keep going through this until you truly accept that she is who she is. you are super intelligent, i've read your posts, so you know that she'll never give you what you are asking for in these texts. why not type out the texts here and get some feedback from us before sending them next time. we have to find a way to redirect your attachment until you're strong enough to not act on them. i think you know that it's wrong to ask her for any type of emotional support at this point, right?

[Turkish]

BB, I'm sorry your pup is dying, and sorrier you got that flack from your ex.

goldylamont brought up a good point, and it ties into what my T told me, "I sense a lot of your anger stems from expecting her to be who she is not." It's radical acceptance, in a way, to which he was pointing me. I'm still angry, and it's hard.

Sending a mere emoticon smacks of insensitivity and emotional immaturity. You were expecting sympathy and support. Did you feel already she was incapable of that, but wanted to give her another chance?

[Blimblam]

Thank you all for supporting me!

Essentially the only thing she really said is she wants he stuff from my place. 

What do you want me to say?   

Shows her emptiness and demanding I create the fantasy myself

Her reading. How I feel and not responding

Then my prose about her state of being

Only then she responds you always will Blimblam always. 

I always will what?   She gets to think I always will be that part of herself she can't hear to acknowledge    And I get to think I always have a place in her heart


Lol. You can't make this ish up. 

[Turkish]

Thank you all for supporting me!

Essentially the only thing she really said is she wants he stuff from my place.  

What do you want me to say?  

Shows her emptiness and demanding I create the fantasy myself

Her reading. How I feel and not responding

Then my prose about her state of being

Only then she responds you always will Blimblam always.  

I always will what?   She gets to think I always will be that part of herself she can't hear to acknowledge    And I get to think I always have a place in her heart


Lol. You can't make this ish up.  

My analysis of this would be:

she read it and no response 10 mins later I text.

Me: Chameleon soul changing colors like the wind afraid to feel something real because of the emptiness within

she responds: you always will blimblam always

She read it, didn't respond. Silent treatment. You felt abused (rightly so), and then lashed out. She responded with the BPD coldness we've all experienced. I feel you were expecting a different response, but you know her. Was it surprising?

[goldylamont]

Me: Chameleon soul changing colors like the wind afraid to feel something real because of the emptiness within

she responds: you always will blimblam always

i kind of read her response as trying to reverse what you were saying about her onto you. in a loose way i think the feeling she's trying to convey is "you just don't get me do you blimblam? how long will you keep thinking this way?" i don't really feel that there's this big thing between you two that she's ignoring so much anymore. perhaps some feelings may pop up here and there. but from her perspective she's probably more focused on whoever she's with. sending you an emoticon response probably wasn't meant to be mean, just all she really had to say about the subject.

[Blimblam]

I think that brief interaction sumerizes what a BPD relationship really is.  

Them thinking "what do you want to see".  Then we create the fantasy   Then we get too close and are rejected.  Then they project the part of themself they don't want to see onto us and gaslight us about it so we continue to believe our fantasy.

The I always will  part is working on like 3 levels at once.  It one sentence how do they come up with this crap?

[enlighten me]

Im sorry but I see it differently.

You always will be a part of her heart is what I read.

Yes they act cold but they do care. They cant cope with what they have done to us because they know its not right but they cant stop doing it as it is the only way they know. Im not saying these glimpses will mean she will change but they are a real part of her a part that acknowledges she loved you. Buried deep in amongst the emotional turmoil is a loving person but the overwhelming fears that they have cause them to not trust us and do things that hurt us.

[Blimblam]

Enlighten me,

That makes sense.  I think every interpretation is true.

I am tempted to text.

: my love shines bright like the sun and I'm looking at the moon shining back at me the radiance of my own reflection but it can never make you whole for behind that glimmer lay the dark side of the moon.

[enlighten me]

Hi Blimblam

Personally I would leave it. Take that statement as a form of closure. That the relationship did mean something to her but because of her mixed up emotions it will never work out.

By sending back what you wrote it could go any direction. One day she may need to reach out to someone for help and that person might be you. At least you are armed with the knowledge now and may be in a position that you can help her but as a friend not a lover.

I know this happens as my uBPDexw has reached out to me. I know that she is hoping we can maybe work things out but its not going to happen but I can help her to live a better life without the fear of me being drawn back in.

[Blimblam]

For months all our communication was so ambiguous like that. It drove me insane. She could write two lines that work on 5 different levels I mean she has the intelligence of like me when I was 8 I don't understand how she be so adept in that way.  I'm being mindfull and not being triggered but wow. 

[enlighten me]

I was chatting to a girl at work who did psychology at Uni. I was discussing about how my exs wrote stuff and how depending on their mood how theyre writing changes. When I was painted white it was very child like. Bad spelling and punctuation and inappropriate punctuation (lots of !). When painted black however it was very business like and spelling and punctuation was correct.

My colleague was really interested in this as she loves to read and was gutted that she didn't know about it in Uni as she could have done a paper on it. As we spoke she said that it made sense as when they are comfortable with you they show you a peak of the crazy but unintentionally. They don't have the walls up so have these little slip ups. When we are black the walls are fully up and they do everything to hide their emotions.

Does that ring true to you?

[withoutapaddle]

Thinking back enlighten I have seen the same thing with the !

The weird thing is her father would always end his texts with ... .

[patientandclear]

For what it's worth I agree her last text was a response to you saying you wanted to know you would always be in her heart.

You need to remember one of the downsides of text communication is delays in transmission.

The fact that you received no response for 10 mins doesn't mean she didn't answer.

This was always a challenge for my BPDex who loved communication by text, as so many do, but got freaked out by delays.  I would send, there would be a 20 min delay before he received, he would think I was mad.

You chose to use this very clunky form of communication rather than, e.g., calling her on the phone.  Emoticons come with texting, pretty much, right?  It's an informal means of communication.  I don't see her doing anything other than basically responding to what you said you wanted.  Not saying she isn't problematic in other ways but not everything they do is "disordered."

I hope you don't mind my saying so but the last text you sent, BB, is pretty judgmental.  Seems like it was prompted by the 10 min delay in answering, which (see above) probably doesn't mean anything ... .looks to me like you are too raw to be communicating with this woman without it going off in all directions you may not have intended.  You're expecting to be hurt, so you're reacting to very small provocations, and it seems like you're expecting a fight even if she doesn't really give you one.

Anger often makes sense in the aftermath of these r/ships and if you want to convey to her how much her actions hurt you, there's probably a way to do that that accomplishes that goal in a way you are more comfortable with afterwards.  But getting in touch for one reason and then just sniping at her inadequacy is a passive aggressive way of communicating your disappointment or hurt or anger. I think you might do better to step away for a longer period till you're sure what you want to get out of communication.

I'm very sorry about your dog -- mine is in a similar place.

[enlighten me]

I started a thread on this. It seems to be very common. It is now on my ever growing list of red fags  .

The good thing about this one is that you can catch it before you even enter into the relationship phase. In the beginning while its still friendly texts and messages before you've got in too deep.

[Blimblam]

I've had multiple BPD people in my life. And when this ex paints me black and gaslights their is something almost virtuoso about it she is a master of subtlty. Also her seduction skills are on a level I've never encountered.  Intelligence wise she is about the level of a 5th grader to be honest.  She has extremely low logic skills and her understanding of art is about the level I had in first grade. It is like her lack of intelligence makes her really on the skills of the disorder more and they are more refined than I have seen in other BPD people.

The intelligence of the disorder in her has some genius qualities. If she became aspd I think she could become like a black widow of billionaires.  

[Blimblam]

No this is typical from her trust me.  Her gas lighting skills and manipulation are exponentially greater than I have experiences with with prolonged close contact with 6 other BPD people an npd with an iq of around 160.

It is why I thought I was crazy.  She can manipulate using minimal effort.  She's that good she just has no confidence or the sky would be the limit for her

[Blimblam]

My prose was kind of an attack but I was trying to let her know I understand her and accept her. I was going to write after it but I still accept you and love you.  But decided not to to not come off as engulfing.

[Blimblam]

Really my prose was a way of telling her I understand her.  But yeah it was passive agressive and she obviously won

"I'm very sorry about your dog -- mine is in a similar place."

Thanks patient  yeah it's sad. I'm sorry about your dog too


I guess I'm just not painted white and the level of coldness when painted black is just inhumane.

She read the texts and didn't respond.  There was no delay. She waited to gaslight me

[Blimblam]

I started a thread on this. It seems to be very common. It is now on my ever growing list of red fags  .

The good thing about this one is that you can catch it before you even enter into the relationship phase. In the beginning while its still friendly texts and messages before you've got in too deep.

The only red flag was how into her cellphone she was but when I told her how annoying I found it she stopped.  This girl is 23 and she is obsessed with her cellphone.  She stopped most of her red flag habits for me in the beginning. 

That's the thing is gasligting is so subtle that she decides who gets to see it.  She is so waifish and subtle that no one believed me. She had my own family turn against me. She likes to use ambiguity and things that have multiple interpretations and she uses subtle cues to tell different people different stories using body language.

As tausk says the disorder always wins

[Blimblam]

Me: Chameleon soul changing colors like the wind afraid to feel something real because of the emptiness within

she responds: you always will blimblam always

i kind of read her response as trying to reverse what you were saying about her onto you. in a loose way i think the feeling she's trying to convey is "you just don't get me do you blimblam? how long will you keep thinking this way?" i don't really feel that there's this big thing between you two that she's ignoring so much anymore. perhaps some feelings may pop up here and there. but from her perspective she's probably more focused on whoever she's with. sending you an emoticon response probably wasn't meant to be mean, just all she really had to say about the subject.

This is the truth I think the cold bitter truth.  I want those things and she doesn't care that's the truth she doesn't care

[Blimblam]

I read it again and I get it now.  She's the chameleon soul yes but I'm the one afraid to feel what's real. Which is she doesn't care.  She don't care.  She does not care. 

I always will want her to care but she doesn't if she did she doesn't anymore.  The person I knew is dead, gone.  This stupid truama bond.  She taunts it that I always will.  Why can't I let this go?   

She only cares about herself. And her current attachmentS.  I don't feed her ego so I don't matter unless it would bring her shame. 

She doesn't care.  She doesn't care. 

[Blimblam]

Ok my new rule and I know this is not the best is if I ever decide to break no contact it will be a phone call. Her texting manipulation prowess is too strong. 

Yes nc. But Appearantly I still have moments of weakness.

[NorthLight]

She doesn't care.  She doesn't care. 

This man. You got it. She does not care, as easy as that.

A normal person would still care, a "soulmate" that u once knew would OF COURSE care, but you have now seen her other side, when she sees you as black, and that side doesn't care.

A normal person would still have empathy for you even tho they don't want a relationship... But the days she looks at you black, do you feel you get any empathy and support? ... .

Don't try to talk to a wall, you just end up getting hurt more my friend. Nothing you say will break that wall right now, so it is no point saying anything at all to her.

My tip: Write a long document with all of your feelings and thoughts towards the "old" her. Then save it, don't send it. And if she ever contacts you and sees you as white in the future, THEN you reply her the document and you will get your closure (because you know that the doc didn't hit a wall, but actually hit the "old" / other her). Then get her totally out of her life once and for all, because she will always have two sides, and the side that sees you black will hurt you again and again.

[Blimblam]

in a way i think you may have to keep going through this until you truly accept that she is who she is. you are super intelligent, i've read your posts, so you know that she'll never give you what you are asking for in these texts. why not type out the texts here and get some feedback from us before sending them next time. we have to find a way to redirect your attachment until you're strong enough to not act on them. i think you know that it's wrong to ask her for any type of emotional support at this point, right?

Why is it wrong ?  My dogs dying and I'm sad i am already sad I just wanted a hug or something. Maybe a sypathetic ear.

[Blimblam]

Thank you all for supporting me!

Essentially the only thing she really said is she wants he stuff from my place.  

What do you want me to say?  

Shows her emptiness and demanding I create the fantasy myself

Her reading. How I feel and not responding

Then my prose about her state of being

Only then she responds you always will Blimblam always.  

I always will what?   She gets to think I always will be that part of herself she can't hear to acknowledge    And I get to think I always have a place in her heart


Lol. You can't make this ish up.  

My analysis of this would be:

she read it and no response 10 mins later I text.

Me: Chameleon soul changing colors like the wind afraid to feel something real because of the emptiness within

she responds: you always will blimblam always

She read it, didn't respond. Silent treatment. You felt abused (rightly so), and then lashed out. She responded with the BPD coldness we've all experienced. I feel you were expecting a different response, but you know her. Was it surprising?

Idk I guess I was hoping I was painted white I just wanted to be comforted a little bit.  Just like I wrote in my text.  My first BPD ex would comfort me if something bad happened.

[BorisAcusio]

Why is it wrong ?  My dogs dying and I'm sad i am already sad I just wanted a hug or something. Maybe a sypathetic ear.

Why is it futile to expect support from somone who is uncapable to do that for you by her/his nature?

[Blimblam]

Why is it wrong ?  My dogs dying and I'm sad i am already sad I just wanted a hug or something. Maybe a sypathetic ear.

Why is it futile to expect support from somone who is uncapable to do that for you by her/his nature?

I guess I'm just back to the bargaining table.  Idk I think I know why.  The repress red core emotions I am processing have layers to them and I sort or go through a cycle of emotions each time and tend to find myself bargaining again. 

I know I can't talk to her anytime soon most definately and I should stick to nc. I can't take devaluing like that again it's far too painfull

[Blimblam]

She doesn't care.  She doesn't care. 

This man. You got it. She does not care, as easy as that.

A normal person would still care, a "soulmate" that u once knew would OF COURSE care, but you have now seen her other side, when she sees you as black, and that side doesn't care.

A normal person would still have empathy for you even tho they don't want a relationship... But the days she looks at you black, do you feel you get any empathy and support? ... .

Don't try to talk to a wall, you just end up getting hurt more my friend. Nothing you say will break that wall right now, so it is no point saying anything at all to her.

My tip: Write a long document with all of your feelings and thoughts towards the "old" her. Then save it, don't send it. And if she ever contacts you and sees you as white in the future, THEN you reply her the document and you will get your closure (because you know that the doc didn't hit a wall, but actually hit the "old" / other her). Then get her totally out of her life once and for all, because she will always have two sides, and the side that sees you black will hurt you again and again.

Idk texting is ambiguous I kind of hate it. 

But that letter is a good idea.