What to expect?...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I know this is really a question for my lawyer but the meter is running every time I ask her a question so I'm attempting to keep costs down to a minimum.

STBXw was served on Saturday and I received an email from my attorney with 2 attachments. One was a notice of appearance (basically stating that she has lawyer) and a designation of email (notice stating that case documents will be emailed to my stbxw attorney, etc, etc.)

My lawyers email ended with we will keep you advised.

My question is what happens next?... .I just wait until mediation? (mediation is required in my state prior to trial). Should I be preparing something? A little background, 2 year marriage and we have no kids together but we do own joint property but financially is in my name only. No fault state, equitable distribution.

[power thru]

I know this is really a question for my lawyer but the meter is running every time I ask her a question so I'm attempting to keep costs down to a minimum.

STBXw was served on Saturday and I received an email from my attorney with 2 attachments. One was a notice of appearance (basically stating that she has lawyer) and a designation of email (notice stating that case documents will be emailed to my stbxw attorney, etc, etc.)

My lawyers email ended with we will keep you advised.

My question is what happens next?... .I just wait until mediation? (mediation is required in my state prior to trial). Should I be preparing something? A little background, 2 year marriage and we have no kids together but we do own joint property but financially is in my name only. No fault state, equitable distribution.

[Matt]

The process is different depending where you live.  Your lawyer is really the best source for understanding what all the steps are and when they will happen.

With no kids, if you're in the US, it will probably go something like this... .

There will be a "discovery" phase, which means each side can ask for information from the other side, like bank records and other financial stuff, and you have to turn it over.  This can mean a lot of photocopying;  if you do that yourself you can save a lot of money, rather than having your lawyer or her staff do it.

It can be more than one round - my wife's lawyer asked for the same stuff three times - and it can take months.  If you don't have something, but you can go online and get it, and print out a few copies, that's one way to do it.  Or if you have no way to get it you can just reply to that item by saying so.

Basically both attorneys are aiming to gather all the relevant information, and the law says you can't hide anything.

Then with all the information in both attorneys' hands, both sides can go through it, and calculate the settlement - division of assets and maybe alimony - based on the court's guidelines.  You can probably find the guidelines online or your lawyer should have them.  Either side can make a settlement proposal, and the other side can say OK, or no, or make a counter-proposal.  Usually most cases are settled through this kind of negotiation, but if you can't agree on something you can go to a trial, and that adds legal cost for both parties.

If your stbX has BPD or something similar, it's less likely that she will be able to negotiate sensibly, so you might not get anywhere til it's almost time for the trial.  But as the trial approaches most people settle, because they're afraid of losing in court.  So make sure you have your ducks in a row and hold firm to what you think is right.

[power thru]

The process is different depending where you live.  Your lawyer is really the best source for understanding what all the steps are and when they will happen.

With no kids, if you're in the US, it will probably go something like this... .

There will be a "discovery" phase, which means each side can ask for information from the other side, like bank records and other financial stuff, and you have to turn it over.  This can mean a lot of photocopying;  if you do that yourself you can save a lot of money, rather than having your lawyer or her staff do it.

It can be more than one round - my wife's lawyer asked for the same stuff three times - and it can take months.  If you don't have something, but you can go online and get it, and print out a few copies, that's one way to do it.  Or if you have no way to get it you can just reply to that item by saying so.

Basically both attorneys are aiming to gather all the relevant information, and the law says you can't hide anything.

Then with all the information in both attorneys' hands, both sides can go through it, and calculate the settlement - division of assets and maybe alimony - based on the court's guidelines.  You can probably find the guidelines online or your lawyer should have them.  Either side can make a settlement proposal, and the other side can say OK, or no, or make a counter-proposal.  Usually most cases are settled through this kind of negotiation, but if you can't agree on something you can go to a trial, and that adds legal cost for both parties.

If your stbX has BPD or something similar, it's less likely that she will be able to negotiate sensibly, so you might not get anywhere til it's almost time for the trial.  But as the trial approaches most people settle, because they're afraid of losing in court.  So make sure you have your ducks in a row and hold firm to what you think is right.

I am in the US. Is discovery a mandatory thing? Also what purpose does it serve?... .to make sure the other party is not lying about how much money they have? I thought that's what the financial affidavit is for. I understand people can lie on the affidavit but that would be perjury so why risk that? I certainly have nothing to hide so I say bring it on... .just curious tho.

[Matt]

Where I live, discovery is mandatory.  The purpose is to get all the information out on the table.  A detailed affidavit might serve the same purpose but I think a good lawyer would demand the actual information - documents - not just something you type up and say "This is the whole story - trust me!".

Theoretically it's a crime to give false information or withhold information, but it happens all the time, and the courts rarely do anything about it.  In my case, my wife made dozens of false statements under oath - she was deposed - and everybody knew she was lying, but nothing happened to her.  (If we had gone to trial she would have been in deep doo-doo though.)

So rather than both parties typing something up, where I live it's normal to base everything on documents - mortgage statements, car loan statements, bank statements, etc.

With all that information on the table - one copy for each side plus one for the court - it's just a matter of math to figure out the settlement.

There are three ways this can get more complicated, that I can think of.

First, income:  If one party isn't working, or is qualified for a good job but working part-time or doing some lower-paid job, the court can "impute" income.  I was unemployed at the time, so income was "imputed" to me based on what I had made in recent years.  The idea is that if you aren't working you should be, at a job based on your education and experience.  But when the economy is bad, sometimes courts only impute minimum wage.

Second, if there's a house:  You can't divide a house in half, so if one party will keep the house, some money may need to change hands to account for the value of the equity.  The idea is that all the assets and debts should be divided "equitably", except the assets that you each brought into the marriage.  So the person who keeps the house - especially if the value has gone up a lot - might have to pay the other party to make it work out.  (But after two years there may not be much growth in the value of the house.)

And third, valuing household items.  Ideally you would put a $ value on everything acquired during the marriage, and the settlement would give equal value to both parties.  But it can be hard to say what something is worth, especially if it was a gift or if it's not in perfect condition.

This is some of the stuff you may have to get done, so it may be good to get started on it, even before your lawyer tells you to, so it won't be a problem when the time comes.

[ForeverDad]

Discovery gets the details but doesn't guarantee the outcome.  A lot depends on whether you end up settling (if it happens it is usually at the last moment) or whether it goes before a judge for a decision.  A few examples from my case... .

My lawyer said the typical alimony formula was two months for every year.  Her lawyer didn't contest that.  Was that correct, written in stone?  I never confirmed it.  We separated when we were married 15 years, final decree was close to 18 years.  The lawyers used the larger figure and calculated 3 years of alimony.  It was a difference of just six months, not worth arguing over.

When I filed for divorce I disclosed the amount of my retirement account.  Knowing that (1) I had to spend all income on the divorce and (2) any additional contributions I added might be split, I stopped all contributions even though I was getting an unlimited 50% match.  Nearly two years later at settlement we split that initial figure.  The market was already falling about then and no one asked me whether the account balance had since risen or fallen.  It was up a little bit but since no one asked, I didn't volunteer, I was already getting stuck with high house appraisals.