Forgiveness

[beachlover]

To be 100% honest the only thing holding me back is forgiveness. Since there's no closure the only thing I have is anger toward her and subsequently others. I have so much anger that the only healthy way to get over it is forgiveness and I'm struggling. How do I get that without trying to fight a never winning battle of trying to argue how she needs help or how wrong she treated me and casted me out. I was never allowed to feel my own feelings unless they were hers pressed on me. I need to move on.

[LettingGo14]

Hello beachlover --

I'm sorry you are struggling.    Your awareness of anger is a good start, and allowing yourself to feel the anger in your body -- really feeling it, without acting on it -- is also important.   We cannot intellectually excise any emotion -- we can only feel deeply and go through.

Anger is often considered a "cover" emotion -- when processed, we often find deeper emotions, like fear or shame.  One of my favorite quotes about anger is that "anger is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die."

We can only begin with ourselves.   Anger is not always bad -- look at the stages of abandonment outlined by Susan Anderson in her book, From Abandonment to Healing:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=155621.0

4: ANGER – the turning point in the grief process when you begin to fight back. You attempt to Reverse the Rejection by Refusing to accept all of the blame for the failed relationship, and feel surges of anger against your abandoner. You Rail against the pain and isolation you’ve been in. Agitated depression and spurts of anger displaced on your friends and family are common during this turbulent time, as are Revenge and Retaliation fantasies toward your abandoner.

It is the stage before lifting, or acceptance.   

Keep posting.  We are here for you.

[OutOfEgypt]

Anger is an important step.  It's where you "fight back", as LettingGo put.  It's where you finally stand up and face all of the injustice and find your bearings.  It's where you come alive and stop living in the haze.  But you are right, there's a point where you need to let go and forgive and move past it.  For me, I find that it is almost impossible to let go when I have no other object to fixate on.  When I fixate on her, and not on the road ahead of me, or on Jesus who leads me (if you are a Christian like I am), then I'm left holding onto her and demanding that she get justice.  And that demand, as you know, only holds you up, not them.  It's like we're standing on a sinking ship, but we won't get off because we demand that THEIR ship be the one sinking.  Meanwhile, our head is almost underwater.  But we just need to realize that, as hard as it is, we are standing right next to the dock.  We just need to step off the sinking ship and walk onto the dry land.  If their ship sails off into the sunset, then let it.  At least you have something new to follow, a new path.

It isn't easy, but it comes when you have a new focus.  Our unwillingness to let go is an unwillingness to let them go, in my humble opinion (and from what I've worked through with my T)

[Soccerchic]

Outofegypt that is soo true. Refusing to let go is refusing to let them go. I am finally not running around working on fixing him, and it is so hard.  My expectations for my uBPDh have been reduced to what he is capable of offering and with this acceptance I find my complaints have been reduced (why don't you pay your share, why do you lie, you need to carry a planner, have you paid the bills?). However , with this radically new behavior and reduction in arguments I am noticing what it actually do and don't receive in my relationship. I basically feel like a single parent with a semi competent assistant/ poor babysitter.  He is current ally not capable of offering me what I need. I still have doubts though and vacillate from hope of improvement to despair.  Is it reasonable that a husband act physically affectionate and show he wants you and doesn't switch topics to talk about himself every time you share something. I feel like a mute in my own house.  Is part of BPD seriousness ?  My kids and I laugh and joke all the time. The minute he is home it stops or he doesn't follow the conversation. 

[OutOfEgypt]

I basically feel like a single parent with a semi competent assistant/ poor babysitter.

That's exactly how I felt.

I don't know if I would say "seriousness" is part of BPD.  But basically, the entire house revolves around them and their needs and wants and moods.  The FOG rules -and I would add also the false hope that things would get better.  That much is clear.  I did everything, and then when my ex would snap her fingers and finally want to be involved, we all jumped at the change with the hopes of having something be normal for once.

The other thing is that it basically doesn't just "go away".  That is unfortunately just how they are.  That is how they deal with emotion, with relationships, with closeness.  The only "hope" is that they will see how they are wrecking things and will get help for themselves.  But that is extremely difficult since avoiding guilt and responsibility and blame is seemingly hard-wired into BPD.

[Soccerchic]

I noticed you said in another post (and thanks so much for telling me your story) that you are Christian. I am too. How did you reconcile leaving. I feel some what guilty about my plans to get out of dodge. I want to do the right thing but feel like I am abandoning him now that he is in therapy and injured.  I also have a fear I think of not having someone their to help raise the kids - meals, take them to horse riding lessons, unclog the toilet, help when my car breaks ect. That must sound so horrible but I don't know how I can handle it all alone. Walking home to an empty house sounds peaceful but overwhelming.  Right now his help is hit or miss  I appreciate your feedback a ton.

[OutOfEgypt]

Because of the affairs, I had grounds, Biblically.  But I didn't really have to "leave", per se.  What prompted the divorce was me pushing the issue.  I told her that I thought she had something seriously wrong and that after years of me always being the one to get "help" I realized that nothing would change unless she got serious, committed professional help, and if she did not I was done.  That prompted her, because of our history (two prior near-divorces and lots of her almost leaving me), to file for divorce first.

We did recylce after the divorce, but that was because she started therapy.

If you don't feel like you have grounds, maybe divorce is not an option your conscience can handle.  There are still other options, such as separation.  God has you in this for a reason, and I'm sure it has grown you.  The main reason I was glad to leave is that, honestly, being with her demanded so much that it obscured my relationship with God.

If he is in therapy, then that's good.  But if you feel you need space to keep yourself sane for the rest of the family, then that is I very reasonable request.  I've known people who have separated for a few years and then came back together. 

From what you've told me, it sounds like you just flat out need the situation to change.  And that is okay to want.  You don't want to "help" the situation stay like it is, and it is miserable for everybody.   So, sometimes you need to help things along in the right direction by putting down firm boundaries.  If you want to see things escalate in one direction or another, pur down firm boundaries.  It will be hard, for sure, but it is right.

There is a section/lesson on the board here about boundaries.  Something about "living your values." Have you seen it?

[Soccerchic]

No I haven't. I'm taking a look now. Thanks so much. Btw he is in therapy but keeps missing.  He gets to say he is in therapy but doesn't show. I don't know if that is a boundary I can set or I'm getting into his business.  I've been such a codep for so long I don't know. His financial drain is overwhelming.

[OutOfEgypt]

Here's the link to what I had in mind:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

That is tough.  My ex was in therapy, but it turned out to be a sort of rouse.  She eventually used it against me.  It can take a long time of consistent help for a dent to be made.  :)BT is one of the standard therapies, from what I gather (dialectical behavioral therapy).  My ISTDP therapist also says he has had some success with borderlines.

I was confused about boundaries and what they meant for a while, because I was in such a haze about what is up and down and right and wrong (when you live with someone who constantly casts doubt upon all of your convictions and feelings and perceptions, it does a number on you).  But basically boundaries are about you and what you want and and what your values are -not about him.  So, it wouldn't be a boundary to threaten things in order to force him into therapy, for example.  That would be more coercion.  A boundary would simply be, "I cannot live like this any longer.  I am going to do X if Y continues."  And then you follow through with it.  Boundaries are a normal part of healthy relationships, but they become so foreign to us in relationships with a BPD person.  We get so used to having everything revolve around them.  It is not easy.  My ex did not and still does not like boundaries.  It definitely sets her off.  It is an exercise in finding out how to stick to your guns, for sure.  You'll be accused of all kinds of things.  That's why you have to listen to yourself and what you perceive and not them -the same way that you would not let your 3 year old child manipulate you with tantrums and guilt trips.

[OutOfEgypt]

Oh and don't beat yourself up about it too badly.  A lot of it simply has to do with not knowing how to handle it.  You feel stuck between a rock and a hard place because your lives are so intertwined.  I know that feeling.  Most people *don't* have to handle that kind of thing.  What is important is the new insight you have into yourself and your situation and what you do with that new insight.