Trying new approach

[momontherun]

The last couple of weeks, I have been inundated with psychologists, therapists, ER docs, case managers, treatment reviews and just chaos in general there hasn't been much time for myself let alone be able to come online and update/vent/read/investigate/learn etc.

Being overwhelmed and unable to look at any type of bright side I decided to harness my negative emotions back into productivity (landscaping, rearranging, building etc) and write out my angst with "I feel", "because" and followed with truth ie. I feel inept as a parent because I can't keep my dd16 safe - The truth is dd16 has to learn to keep herself safe; I feel angry because no matter how much I put myself out there to help her and be apart of her life it doesn't change The truth is it won't change unless she wants it. I feel frustrated because despite foster home, case manager, respite, P doc, T doc's, FT, groups etc. every one has a little piece of the bigger puzzle of what dd16 is willing to share then everyone seems surprised when she self harms 'out of the blue' as no one talks to each other The truth is I have done all I can to inform everyone of what I know. I feel sad because everything we worked on the last 3 yrs has been for naught The truth is dd16 thrives on being a martyr any way she can = more attention... .doesn't matter positive or negative etc.

my T suggested I use T.H.I.N.K. (T= is it true? H= is it helpful? I = is it inspiring? N = is it necessary? K= is it kind?) when dealing with dd16 and her treatment team like today was a meeting to turn over her case to a different cm and in her t's words to get everyone on the same page as dd 16 has ran away (once) and self harmed 4 times in the last 2 months. Her main question is what else can they provide?

Well dd16 ran away when I took my trip to Tn despite 3 months of prepping - was fine when I got back, she self harmed: 1. she found out a girl was at the local rtc and she wanted to see her 2. she was upset another foster (same age) wasn't watched as much (no longer in the home) 3. she wants to come home instead of foster 4. missed the feeling of it or at least these are the reasons she told me - who knows what she told others ... .the foster mom suggested her self harm is an addiction - I told her that a month before dd16 moved in but just smiled and nodded.

The t suggested we work on self esteem - that was supposed to be a goal all along (I pointed this out as this was one of her goals when she left rtc) but somehow got dropped in light of 'other' things (according to her cm)... .when dd16 was asked what she feels she needs? idk I am just thinking what I am going to do later... .T suggested we look at identifying triggers and the emotions that come up - I explained we worked on this for the last 2 yrs starting with breaking through her people pleasing attitude not able to say no to anyone but me then id-ing the emotions that trigger her and now we are starting over... .the T crossed her arms (guarding) and said we must id her triggers and make them acceptable then asked dd16 if she knows what acceptance is?

dd16 said sheepishly its where you are ok when something happens? I soo wanted to scream but instead looked at our family T and said we discussed this right? (he nodded yes) then looked at dd16 and said we discussed this for at least the last year right? dd16 nodded yes... .I looked at T and told her unless dd16 cooperates fully and stops pretending round and round we go. I can only do so much and am at my limit. It seems dd16 must be reminded of these concepts despite exploring them in every which way imaginable... .

Family T (her 1st counselor within the program) said we are all here with the best interests with dd16 in mind then asked her if anyone in the room she didn't think so with? dd16 said ds6 (he was half sleeping bored but listening). T regained her composure then explained this is all in dd16's hands and she see's a pattern emerging that must be broken. The question is how? I just said I see it too and we discussed this in family T both in the rtc and now then shook my head... .

We all looked at dd16 but she withdrew again, foster mom said she see's dd16 self harming in the evening so they are processing emotions then and its seemed to make a difference... .I nodded in agreement. The family T said we need to explore all possibilities as the main goal is for her to come home yet we are at our limit and really need to evaluate if going back to rtc is needed. Her T took charge again and said we can discuss this further and lay out new goals next week when that review is needed but for now the meeting is over as dd16 must go to her group.

I honestly am having a hard time with this... .true? YUP! helpful? to the team yes... .to dd16 not really as she withdraws and says she doesn't know anything Inspiring? nope just more penalties necessary? absolutely! kind? nope just saying it the way it is.

Knowing dd16 has a martyr attitude, I should just smile an nod for now on, perhaps instead of leading - keep quiet and follow (I try to do this unless its something I know she knows, will hamper any hire ability - 'snake' piercings though have compromised strategic tattoos to hide her scars/prevent new ones... .hasn't happened yet but have agreed to it ) for the last 1.5 yrs we have til she is 18 and ages out of any program ... .

I already agreed to her working and going to school full time though it goes against my better judgement as she hasn't earned that right only seeing things get more complicated than they are (more people = more pawns in a game she only knows the rules of) then again we must prepare her for adulthood OR completely sign over my rights (emancipate her, signing over a POA for her survivor benefits, subject her and/or POA to medicaid submissions/disbursement) and wash my hands of it all now instead of later OR pull her out and come home with frequent trips to the er with more child services investigations (already happening), more conflict (instead of disbursed) and more impact on my sons (seeing instead of running off to the hospital)

See I never understood how a mom could give up on her child especially in one so young? The truth is I have given all I can - even lost myself for awhile and is a constant struggle from what I would like to do vs what I can do vs what is helpful vs what is harmful... .asked others to join in/keep track/ lessen the burden/distanced... .When is enough enough?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

my T suggested I use T.H.I.N.K. (T= is it true? H= is it helpful? I = is it inspiring? N = is it necessary? K= is it kind?)

Thanks for this, momontherun    I think that I'll be able to remember the sentiment now that you put it that way (I'd read and heard portions before, but not with the anacronym "THINK" in front of it, so this is helpful for my over-loaded brain   ).

I know that this is a real struggle with your daughter--16 is a hard age,  BPD or not    But it's really an asset for you to have Therapist who knows ways to help you; don't give up on that... .Many of us have no professionals at all to help us at this time. Other Moms of teenaged girls (as you may know, my "child" is an adult son with BPD) will come in and read your situation and have far better advice than I do, but I wanted to thank you for the info above (and how you are trying to put it into practice) and to tell you that better days are always right around the corner. Hang in there, momontherun 

[jellibeans]

momontherun

I love that THINK thing... .I am going to try and use that in the future. Thanks for that... .I hear how tired you are and lately I feel I have been in a similar place. It is tiring and I am exhausted a great deal of the time. Although I know T and P can be helpful it seems everytime someone new sees my dd17 I get a new DX. I took my dd to a new place this week for an eval and it took 3 hours... .then at the end they told me they had no groups right now for teens! I was so annoyed we wasted all that time. I really feel you need to find time for yourself... .then and only then can you get the break you need and the time to recover and regroup.

Do you think things will get better once she is back in school? My dd is struggling this summer with lack of structure.

Does your dd come home for visits? How does she handle that? Why is she wanting to come home now? Sometimes when things are close to resolving themselves the pwBPD tends to want to pull away and run. Do you think things are proceeding and dd feels a certain amount of fear of that?

I wish I had some better advise for you. These teen years are hard and I am hoping things get better for dd in the next year. I do think a job might help her self esteem... .what about your dd? Can she handle work and school?

Hang in there momontherun... .there are better days ahead... .just try and get through these days and there will be better ones for sure.

[theplotthickens]

Oh sister, can I relate!  I can only tell you that when we access mental "health" services, the "services" make me unhealthy and zap my energy by making assumptions, using Blame Mom as the status quo, putting us in boxes, and relaying their unproven ideas as infallible laws.    Some on the board here find a lot of support, but I have found they stress me out.

I am going to be honest here; many will disagree with me, but this is my story and my experience, so it is ok.    I dropped out after 5 years of different treatment centers, therapists and social workers ; and took charge of my life and my home.  I was tired of being assessed and judged by professionals who don't "get it."  I started using what was helpful, and refusing unhelpful appointments and family therapy which only enabled my dd to manipulate and play games.  She is aggressive and belligerent at home, but a consummate victim in therapy.  When she has an audience that believes everything she says and that encouraged me to continually drop my boundaries and "let go," her behavior spirals out of control, and I get more and more depleted and stressed.

I wanted to share that I am one that gets depleted by having "team" that is supposedly there to help but only adds stress.

What has also helped me is to stop making mental health the Center of my life.  I focus on rebuilding my life and finding out who I am after years of being run down.  I took back the authority in my home, set rules, and don't take crap anymore.  Best thing I have ever done for me, and 17 dBPD.  An unhealthy hierarchy with therapists-and my daughter in charge and me as the parent underneath being bossed around by dd's whims and "feeeeelings" had developed due to some of the therapists theories that "we cannot control anything" and we need to "let it go."  In this theory, logical thoughts are not allowed, and parents are horrible if they are BEING parents.

Too many unproven, hippie theories are taken as infallible law these days.  We need to think for ourselves, have our own lives, and live our values without apology to anyone.  I don't feel any urge to play jr. therapist anymore.  I am a parent first and I don't get triggered if my daughter doesn't like me.  I am not attempting to build some type of friendship anymore - I have let that go. (Something WAS useful, after all, ha!)  I no longer feel guilty about having a logical thought.     Accepting who I am, and what my limits are has been the beginning of feeling more excited about my life.

You will get through - and you will figure out how to get recharged again.  It is different for all of us - but we are making it day-by-day.  

Abundant blessings on your journey - you are in good company here!

PS: My 17yo is also 1000% better since my radical, unorthodox departure from the mental health merry-go-round. 

[mama72]

Oh sister, can I relate!  I can only tell you that when we access mental "health" services, the "services" make me unhealthy and zap my energy by making assumptions, using Blame Mom as the status quo, putting us in boxes, and relaying their unproven ideas as infallible laws.    Some on the board here find a lot of support, but I have found they stress me out.

I am going to be honest here; many will disagree with me, but this is my story and my experience, so it is ok.    I dropped out after 5 years of different treatment centers, therapists and social workers ; and took charge of my life and my home.  I was tired of being assessed and judged by professionals who don't "get it."  I started using what was helpful, and refusing unhelpful appointments and family therapy which only enabled my dd to manipulate and play games.  She is aggressive and belligerent at home, but a consummate victim in therapy.  When she has an audience that believes everything she says and that encouraged me to continually drop my boundaries and "let go," her behavior spirals out of control, and I get more and more depleted and stressed.

I wanted to share that I am one that gets depleted by having "team" that is supposedly there to help but only adds stress.

What has also helped me is to stop making mental health the Center of my life.  I focus on rebuilding my life and finding out who I am after years of being run down.  I took back the authority in my home, set rules, and don't take crap anymore.  Best thing I have ever done for me, and 17 dBPD.  An unhealthy hierarchy with therapists-and my daughter in charge and me as the parent underneath being bossed around by dd's whims and "feeeeelings" had developed due to some of the therapists theories that "we cannot control anything" and we need to "let it go."  In this theory, logical thoughts are not allowed, and parents are horrible if they are BEING parents.

Too many unproven, hippie theories are taken as infallible law these days.  We need to think for ourselves, have our own lives, and live our values without apology to anyone.  I don't feel any urge to play jr. therapist anymore.  I am a parent first and I don't get triggered if my daughter doesn't like me.  I am not attempting to build some type of friendship anymore - I have let that go. (Something WAS useful, after all, ha!)  I no longer feel guilty about having a logical thought.     Accepting who I am, and what my limits are has been the beginning of feeling more excited about my life.

You will get through - and you will figure out how to get recharged again.  It is different for all of us - but we are making it day-by-day.  

Abundant blessings on your journey - you are in good company here!

PS: My 17yo is also 1000% better since my radical, unorthodox departure from the mental health merry-go-round. 

This is a phenomenal post, theplotthickens, and is very close to the point I am at. Glad to hear that your dd is doing better, and that you are too!

[jellibeans]

I have to agree... .I enjoyed reading your post theplotthickens... .especially the part about our children liking us... .I really gave up on that long ago... .I am not hurt when she says those things to me anymore... .I don't want to be her friend... .she needs a mother more.

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Momontherun,

You poor, exhausted thing!     

I never understood how a mom could give up on her child especially in one so young? The truth is I have given all I can - even lost myself for awhile and is a constant struggle from what I would like to do vs what I can do vs what is helpful vs what is harmful... .asked others to join in/keep track/ lessen the burden/distanced... .When is enough enough?

I believe you have given all you can!  I don't think any other parent here has done more than you have.  Seriously.  And I think enough is when you say it is!  (Though the Universe doesn't always cooperate with our limits, does it?)

I hear your exhaustion, your frustration, your anger, your sadness, and your pain!  I love how you're using those emotions to get things done.  You sound beyond burnt out, so doing those things seems like a healthy outlet.  Is there anything soothing and nurturing you can do for yourself?  Would you like validation from us parents?  I for one want to acknowledge you for doing everything you can think of and doing everything the so-called experts are coming up with to help your DD.   This constant therapy/hospital/foster care/drama S*%# isn't what you signed up for when you became a parent, yet you're doing it anyway, which is admirable.  Your DD doesn't know how lucky she has to have such a committed parent in her corner.  It isn't fair!

thePlotthickens said something in her post that made a lot of sense to me... . 

What has also helped me is to stop making mental health the Center of my life.  I focus on rebuilding my life and finding out who I am after years of being run down.  I took back the authority in my home, set rules, and don't take crap anymore.

If you've ever heard of "The Secret" which explains the "Law of Attraction," it seems that is what Plotthickens has done to turn things around in her family.  Perhaps putting more attention and focus on mental health and wholeness--rather than mental illness-- is where the answer lies for you and your DD?  I know this can sound harsh, and I'm not saying this in any way to blame anything you've done thus far.  God knows, you've literally done EVERYTHING.  So, maybe it's time to try something outside the box?  Focusing on your DD's illness is only making it worse.  So, I wonder what would happen if you could somehow set a new family standard of wellness.  Perhaps you could look at your DD and say something like, "I love you and I support you in getting well, and leading a happy, productive life.  But I can't help you with your illness.  I have provided you with expert help, support, and resources.  But only YOU can help yourself.  Your life is your choice and you're old enough to make that choice.  It's your life, it's up to you."  

I'm NOT suggesting you abandon your DD or give up on her.  I'm suggesting you somehow step back and change the paradigm in which you're attempting to help her.  Help her from a mindset of healthy family, rather than crisis management.  :)oes that make any sense? I don't know what steps you'd have to take to put this into practice, but I'm sure when you've had some time to regroup and center yourself, you might be able to see a completely different way to handle the situation with your DD, as ThePlotthickens has done.

I do believe the tools and skills on this site can help you do that, as they are skills for YOU.  ------------------------------------->

I'm all for whatever works! Something outside the box that has also helped me change the energy in my home is to burn a sage stick.  Have you heard of this?  Native Americans have used sage sticks for thousands of years to change their energy, so why not us, right now in modern times?  I've burned sage when I've had more drama than I can handle, and for some reason, it works.  (Placebo effect?  Who cares, if it works!)  

When I found this site, I was at my wits end too.  I burned sage in my home, and I've come here to vent and support others and things HAVE gotten better because I'm so much calmer now.  PM me if you need information on buying sage sticks.  I found them online, along with information about smudging.

You're right.  Enough is enough!  Hang in there!  

[momontherun]

I finally have a moment to read/update ... .Thank you all for the validation and encouragement - most times I am thankful being a single parent but some times it just sucks both for the same reasons: no one to share the responsibility with.

Jellibeans that is awful! Many places want to help, put us through the ringer then either put us on the back burner or drop the ball completely leaving us frustrated, depleted and scared yet we keep trying don't we? No, I don't think it will get better when school starts up just more people to manipulate but we are moving forward with our plans after fighting with the team to get them to agree: keeping her in an alternative school where she can do most of her classes online (has 3 credits - needs 22 to graduate and is supposed to be a Jr) and audit a couple in regular school she is having a hard time with... .she has completed 25% of 4 classes in the last 5 months and knows she is blowing it. She has time and is reminded just doesn't want to do any of it.

Yes, we do visit on Tuesdays and Thursdays... .I go pick her up 30 minutes away before the T appt's then we hang out for 7-8 hours - sometimes its just at home, sometimes its a hike, sometimes its window shopping etc. She says she likes the time and looks forward to it though it makes her sad she can't spend the night and her foster mom limits our phone calls to 15 minutes but the other foster can talk to her dad for hours. I explained to her the foster gets to talk on the phone so much because she doesn't get to see him whereas we see each other a lot more than most fosters do. I also agree with the phone call limits because she gets really emotional if her brothers don't want to talk to her, asks when can they see her again or I set limits (yes you can cut/dye your hair but no you can't get snake piercings on your lip)... .for some reason phone calls are really hard on her emotionally whereas the hours of in person visits are no problem. I think she wants to come home because the newness wore off and she is being told she can't... .she was told if she wasn't happy with that foster they can place her in another home - not what she wanted to hear. She says, she wants to come home because she doesn't want to age out there and realizes she didn't have it so bad after all... .I just wish I could believe her as I know there may be other motives like she can't have her drivers license or renew her permit while she is in foster.

She is working at Taco bell - the only place that agreed to limit her hours to 15 a week and lets her wear long sleeve shirts to hide her scars... .has been for 3 weeks now. I am proud she spent her first paycheck on clothes instead of squandering it and told her so. I also questioned how far she is on her online school work and warned her she may have to quit as it seems to be interfering with her school work already. She told me she wasn't doing it anyway so what does it matter? She told her foster mom its just too hard to focus when she misses her family... .in FT she said she knows she needs to do it so she doesn't let anyone down but doesn't have the time between chores, helping the foster family with yard work and work... .who knows what she is telling others.

I told her in FT it seems she manipulates people to get what she thinks she wants throwing anyone she can under the bus or creates more drama when she can't unable to be content with what she has and that I am tired of being her mom setting limits I feel she isn't ready for while making compromises to give her room to prove she can handle it while correcting perceptions and validating her emotions. We have all these people 'helping' us yet it doesn't amount to a hill of beans if she doesn't want it - its time for me to back fully off and let her sink or swim treating her like the adult she wants to be - perhaps then our relationship might improve.

Ya know what she said? I feel I can't talk to you because your going to judge me and not like what I have to say - my response was what on earth could you tell me that would change the way I feel about you? I mean I have been here through your sleeping around, self harm, 51/50's, telling me your gay, stealing, lying etc. yet I look at the bright side, empathize, validate your emotions, make excuses for your choices, do everything I can to keep you safe etc. I just don't get it - The fact is I do stand in your way not giving in to every whim as I am your mom first. She said I hate how you use facts... .I asked do you want me to lie to you? oh I forgot I do if I don't tell you every little thing much of which you don't need to know let alone being emotionally stable enough to handle the knowledge - no one needs to know every little thing.

The Ft asked her what she thought of that? she said she didn't know she was just thinking of what she was going to do later on. I looked at him incredulously then at her and said start taking this seriously! She said she was and started crying... .the Ft thanked her for taking a risk. I just shook my head then explained to him that wasn't a risk albeit its been awhile since she talked back to me but that's nothing compared to the many times she has told me to back off, go to hell or what I can do with myself. When our session was over, she asked what were we going to do? I told her I figured I would take her back home - she asked if she had to? I said no but am going to anyway as she has school work to do. The Ft said that is probably the best thing. On the way, she was upset and said she wasn't going to do it anyway - I told her that's your choice and left it at that.

Later on she self harmed saying I didn't love her since I took her back earlier than normal - I did not go to the hospital. The on call T demanded to know why I wasn't coming - I told her cuz I told dd16 3 weeks ago that I wasn't going to... .she said dd16 is really close to being put back in rtc I said ok if that's your recommendation just let me know so I can visit when I get the chance to. Needless to say she didn't go as she calmed down and once again promised to make more of an effort to talk to someone. The foster parents are on the defensive "we tried to talk to her; we give her room to process emotions; she seemed happy" etc.

I admire you theplotthickens for seeing it soo clearly and taking back your life. I wish I were that brave - I think my main issue with doing this is whenever dd16 doesn't get her way she self harms... .I know it and can count on it - seeing I am pretty much ok with it (the wow factor just isn't there anymore), the cuts get deeper and deeper to the point of needing 50-250 stitches each time. I want to shield the boys from this behavior though they already see it and feel the repercussions from it just without being exposed to all the blood, Dr's, P's and T's. Something drastic does need to happen though as this isn't working either - truth is nothing is going to unless she wants it no matter what I do.

HealingSpirit, I am beyond burnt... .so exhausted compartmentalizing ... .time and place/place and time - shield this kid/person from that person... .the kids assuming I am upset when I am just tired trying to get a bit of time for myself without hampering their mommy time let alone not meet my own expectations of 'being a good mom' or theirs of meal times/family times etc. being pulled in so many directions - so much hovering over each other... .frustration ensues not getting respect, feeling unheard, whats normal vs not with most things being a secret - kids trying to be adults, adults treated like kids... .a whole village to meet one almost adults current whims and everyone looking for a motive. Its not fair... .its down right cruel actually.

Yes, I have heard of "The Secret" - have the video ... .love the concept hence the constant seeking positives (affirmations, plans, research etc), put together a couple 'wish' boards for a vision, making goals towards the vision, praying for guidance etc. I think I need to watch it again... .I tried to share it with dd16 last year but she wasn't interested and said it didn't make any sense wishing/believing its all useless. Then again she makes the slightest negative into a mountain and the mountain of positives into a continuous rut.

I don't think I have been focusing on the illness... .I mean its there but just as an explanation of what is going on with brain chemicals, development and translation - scientifically so I can keep in mind there is a definite deficit instead of deliberate willful manipulations. The fact is her brain IS injured but people overcome injuries All.The. Time. learning how to live with and overcome them... .she is not her illness! It's just getting her to overcome... .at least find some sort of contentment whatever that translates into

Sage sticks? I remember them like patchouli oil (eeewwww!) I like lavender - almost in everything: candles, laundry, fabric softener, baths Thieves and Alder is good too - Its been so long since I burned sage - its only a memory so what the hay i'll give it a shot.