Soulmate bond broken

[Blimblam]

Well I did it and now I kind of feel foolish.

I don't feel ashamed but I'm awake now and realized my part it was me the whole time I did most of the work in all of this. I can't really blame her for being good at mirroring and freakinf out now and then. But it was damn childish the way she acted to break her part of the bond.

I thought I was bonding to her the entire time but I was really just bonding to my own reflection I projected onto her and as she objectified herself I falsely identified her  as my soul mate. When I lost the mirror object i thought I lost myself which was an illusion. The gaping hole feeling in my chest was just me saying hey I am right here. All that pain was just an illusion.

I feel kind of dumb because the narcisistic injury was mostly my own fault.

Oh well.

Heck I could probably even recycle in the future if i wanted and not even get hurt now that my eyes are open.

[hergestridge]

Just a couple of days after me and my wife broke rather abruptly I went on a short vacation to a destination that used to be "ours" did the things we used to do together. I did the things that *I* identified as the "good times" used to have together.

I had a feeling I would not miss her one bid and sure enough - I did not.

What made me sad is that I had led a solo life for 20 years that I falsely believed was a life I shared with someone else. What made me glad was that I could now go on as if nothing happened because apparently this life had worked for me but not for her (my wife was always miserable and there was a 50/50 chance she would ruin everything by throwing a tantrum). My daughter (who was with me) seemed to enjoy the trip.

It's a terrible thing to realize that your soulmate wasn't that much of a mate at all. And the world minus your "soulmate" is astrange place. I think it takes some time to get used to how beautiful and enjoyable it is.

I met my wife when I was 21 and loneliness was a scary beast for me back then. It's still painful but it's nowhere as alarming for me today. Think about the good times. All the good times were you!

[Blimblam]

Just a couple of days after me and my wife broke rather abruptly I went on a short vacation to a destination that used to be "ours" did the things we used to do together. I did the things that *I* identified as the "good times" used to have together.

I had a feeling I would not miss her one bid and sure enough - I did not.

What made me sad is that I had led a solo life for 20 years that I falsely believed was a life I shared with someone else. What made me glad was that I could now go on as if nothing happened because apparently this life had worked for me but not for her (my wife was always miserable and there was a 50/50 chance she would ruin everything by throwing a tantrum). My daughter (who was with me) seemed to enjoy the trip.

It's a terrible thing to realize that your soulmate wasn't that much of a mate at all. And the world minus your "soulmate" is astrange place. I think it takes some time to get used to how beautiful and enjoyable it is.

I met my wife when I was 21 and loneliness was a scary beast for me back then. It's still painful but it's nowhere as alarming for me today. Think about the good times. All the good times were you!

It was such an odd realization when I looked back and realized how much of the relationship was just me. 

The realization was  ... .The illusion was I identified te projection of myself and the mirror object as one and the same. 

It was like a flood of memories of me comforting and soothing her and how that activated my altruistic narcisism and make them seem like good memories but then I realized her reality must have been so much different. 

[Blimblam]

I can honestly say I havnt felt this good about myself in years holly crap I can't believe I lost this.  F yeah! In 8 years to exact thank I family and thank u exgf for this she honestly wanted this for me. I realize that now

Well more like she wanted this for her but she wanted to help me and she did just now how I wanted it to go down.

[Blimblam]

Well the feeling in my chest is back but I know who I am again. And I don't feel like she is my soulmate anymore.  There is still soo much to process.  The epiphanies are always nice and exciting but then I settle right back Into feeling the feeling in my body.  I'm just glad I don't feel empty anymore. 

[Blimblam]

I thought it would be over once I broke this bond but I guess not.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Blimblam,

You have really been processing a lot these days.  I commend you for examining yourself so closely – it's not easy, but can be so rewarding. 

The epiphanies are always nice and exciting but then I settle right back Into feeling the feeling in my body.   

Keep feeling those bodily sensations, and noticing that the the feelings are not who you are, they don't define you.  They come and then they go – and you are still here. 

I think the epiphanies and peace you have experienced are a direct result of this embracing of your feelings. At least that has been the case with me. As you know the ups and downs are a normal part of the grieving process, and no cause to worry.

Do you have a T?

heartandwhole

[Blimblam]

"Keep feeling those bodily sensations, and noticing that the the feelings are not who you are, they don't define you."

I still struggle with this.  There are moments that I think I am not letting them define me and it's like I realize I still have a new layer of emotions that are defining me but it is so hard to accept. It is an inner conflict untill I accept defeat and surrender once again

[heartandwhole]

I still struggle with this.  There are moments that I think I am not letting them define me and it's like I realize I still have a new layer of emotions that are defining me but it is so hard to accept. It is an inner conflict untill I accept defeat and surrender once again

In my experience, it's not something you can "make" yourself do.  The mind will get active and those thoughts are not who you are, either.  I think there is a natural and permanent embrace of thoughts and feelings operating at all times, and this is our deepest nature. The thoughts and feelings always come and go, as you have seen, but what remains?  What is always present to even notice feelings or thoughts? 

Another word for this is acceptance. 

[Blimblam]

I still struggle with this.  There are moments that I think I am not letting them define me and it's like I realize I still have a new layer of emotions that are defining me but it is so hard to accept. It is an inner conflict untill I accept defeat and surrender once again

In my experience, it's not something you can "make" yourself do.  The mind will get active and those thoughts are not who you are, either.  I think there is a natural and permanent embrace of thoughts and feelings operating at all times, and this is our deepest nature. The thoughts and feelings always come and go, as you have seen, but what remains?  What is always present to even notice feelings or thoughts?  

Another word for this is acceptance.  

"Make myself do. "

It feels like that is who I thought I was. I thought I was "make myself do".

As for the rest of what you said.  I can sense wisdom, but I am not there yet.

[Blimblam]

I'm not who i thought I was that much is clear now. 

This feeling is overwhelming yet somehow comfortable yet extremely uncomfortable. 

I think I have been hiding from this my entire life. 

I wonder if "healthy" people from nurturing foos are just raised understanding this and I was just stuck in my false self this entire time?

[goldylamont]

when you say your false self, can you explain what you mean by this? was it how you behaved? is so what were the behaviors or thoughts that you had that were false to who you think you are now? i think i see a false self as projecting an identity different than how you actually feel in that moment. is this what you mean? i'm just trying to understand more.

[Blimblam]

when you say your false self, can you explain what you mean by this? was it how you behaved? is so what were the behaviors or thoughts that you had that were false to who you think you are now? i think i see a false self as projecting an identity different than how you actually feel in that moment. is this what you mean? i'm just trying to understand more.

Well I didn't project a different reality to who I viewed myself as.  But who I view myself as is radically different now. I reconnected to some kind of source energy or something and no longer feel empty.  But I am aware of parts of myself that were repressed, all the parts of myself I hid from and in this part of myself I feel like I found something I didn't have access to before.

I have always been, after maturing from adolescence, a pretty genuine person.

I regained my sense of self the other day but I also feel an awareness I never have before.


Before i acted out things in my life I identified as who I wanted to be.  Or identified myself In roles I would assume.  Or my persona. Or who I thought I was or what I felt. But all that just seems like an illusion now to hide from what I am experiencing, what was once surpressed, In my concious awareness now.

I feel like I have the piece of the puzzle of what the borderline inspired me to feel that I thought was missing.  But it feels very different than how I thought it would feel.  

I am not sure how to explain this really.

Like my entire life up intill now I was stuck in an illusion of who I thought I was.

I feel like I don't need outside validation any more.

I am not even sure what I mean by false self.  I just know I have an awareness now I never had before and if I was stuck in a false self because maybe I wasn't experiencing what I am now.


Like I was In a story before and I identified myself as my role In the story and how I interacted with it. 

[Blimblam]

I talked to a couple sociopaths todAy and I talked about how they experience things and what they see and view things and society and the system. And I realized that this thing we are interacting with is an illusion they call it different things in different cultures: samsara, the system , the man, hell. But is not who we are it is all an illusion.

[Blimblam]

I think I just woke up from the matrix in these last few weeks.

This isn't what I had in mind.

It is uncomfortable reconnecting my body to the source energy.

I've been advised to read alistair crowleys 4th book.

[Blimblam]

The only thing I'm letting go of is my fear to accept this. That we are in hell trapped in it but we can reconnect to our source energy which is who we really are.

It may not be what we want to see but there is freedom in the truth. 

[ziniztar]

Sorry posted in The wrong thread.

[Blimblam]

Im facing the fear.  No fighting it I let it consume me and accept defeat and surrender to the bodily experience of it.

I've realized more than I ever imagined i am befininf to have natural boundaries. Heck i even scared a sociopath today. Another one pulled a few moves to try to devalue me and I called him out on it and by the end of the interaction I even devalued him. 

I saw them as it within a few minutes. My eyes are open now. The sociopaths are so tricky and manipulative.

I'm awake now I've identified many of my patterns but there are more layers. 

[Blimblam]

I am discovering a new layer to the bond.  A layer on which our souls really did connect.  It is still very painfull and scary to accept but I can sense in it a level of compassion that I have never fathomed before but truly felt as a part of my connection for her. 

[Blimblam]

I am discovering a new layer to the bond.  A layer on which our souls really did connect.  It is still very painfull and scary to accept but I can sense in it a level of compassion that I have never fathomed before but truly felt as a part of my connection for her. 

Well idk if it was our souls that connected so much as connecting to the place that she was seeking in herself.