PH Call boundarys

[Aussie JJ]

Hi all,

I have spoken about this before, or mentioned it.  I would like some honest feedback.  I find myself constantly in limbo going am I correct or am I what ?

Anyhow, 2y8m Son is getting a lot better with words.  5-6 words at a time and really expressing himself well.  I have to give his mother credit here she does talk with him, although in a baby voice at times she engages well with conversation.   

Now, when with me for the day sometimes he will ask if he can call mum.  I was at first really hesitant to allow this.  Then questioned myself on it and went, I am invalidating his feelings.  Making him think it is bad to feel like calling mum.  This is not healthy so when he asks I will allow it within reason. 

Now, I have at times had minor anxiety attacks when I have seen some of her behaviours with 'telling' him what to do.  I want to wear these shoes.  Small things and she just goes, NO.  You are wearing these.  Now it is shoes, not important but when he wants something she will invalidate what he wants as it doesn't align with her wants/needs. 

Anyway, I know to an extent we have to have boundarys in place for our kids.  She is fairly good in this respect but meeting emotional needs at times I can see them being shutdown by her.  Always small subtle things. 

My thought process, I will allow him to have his feelings.  Not tell him they are bad and unwanted but validate them and also allow him to follow through on some when reasonable. 

From this I have allowed him to call his mother, I have to dial on my phone for him to speak to her when appropriate.  I don't let him do it too often and I had it the other day where he asked a second time and I said, already called earlier you will see mum this evening ok? 

He understands that he gets one phone call.  He knows this and some days looks forward to it and now I am happy as I can see it is good for him. 

I asked her ages ago if this was acceptable.  No reply.  I again asked if this was acceptable and got a reply with her saying below in an e-mail. 

Dear #$@×,

I have previously said I sometimes find it difficult to understand SONS-NAME speaking on the phone. Saying something like "mommy will be here in the afternoon" reminds him what to expect. If he needs reassurance I will typically be available via phone.

Regards

ExBPDgf. 


look I just want to know am I doing the correct thing by allowing him that call.  I don't hate her with that much passion now I am sort of over that part however I just am unsure if this is the correct thing to allow.  I can see her using BIFF and I find that in itself quite funny. 

My fear here, BPD develops from abuse/invalidating household where emotions are bad.  Kids of BPD parents 68% chance of having BPD themselves or having brain malfunction/smaller frontal lobe thingy that makes them susceptible to getting BPD.  I want to let him have feelings and sort of not shut them down. 

This just frustrates me, I want to do the correct thing and don't know if I am being overly analytical or I am just questioning myself too much. 

[Aussie JJ]

Essentially, did you allow or do you allow your kids these same kind of things? 

[Nope]

Up to once a day is totally fine and normal. It's best to remember that, unless there is some major destructive issue, no child should ever feel blocked from communication with one of their parents. Blocking communication sets an unhealthy precedent as well. For my two step kids; their BPD mom has blocked communication for years and she has the kids for the large majority of the time. What the kids have come to understand is that when they are at mom's they should never ask to call dad. So when they are at dad's now they never ask to call their mom. Now we are looking at possibly getting custody and having the kids live with us most of the time and we are getting push back from them that they don't want to call their mom while with us. She's trained them and it's backfired.

We keep telling them that it's very normal for parents to want to hear from their kids more than just once a week (the minimum amount mandated by the court and also the maximum BPD mom would let t their dad have) and they are very uncomfortable with this idea of multiple phone calls in a week. It forces them to look at what their mom did to their dad and see that it was a bad and hurtful thing. This isn't our intention but that's how it's playing out.

[Matt]

Aussie,

I think your thought process is very good.

You don't always have to say yes - sometimes it might be time for something else and you can say, "Not right now but may in a little while." or whatever.

Very small kids don't always get validation because sometimes what they want, and how they perceive things, just aren't best.  Sometimes we tell small kids, "No, that's not for kids." or "You can have that another day when you eat your dinner really well."

But your idea that validating his feelings and perceptions and ideas is usually good, I think is right.

If he wants to call her, and you help him do that, and she doesn't pick up, then that is that - he needs to learn that too.  Or if she picks up but isn't nice to him, he'll have to learn to deal with that too.  And you'll be there to help him learn from all those experiences.

[livednlearned]

Validating feelings is different than giving kids what they want.

Abuse:

"If you even say her name when you're with me, you're a bad person."

Invalidation:

"You don't miss mommy! You just saw her. You'll see her soon."

Distraction:

"You're with me! We're going to the park and play, and maybe we'll see some kids you can play with."

Validation:

":)o you feel sad that mommy isn't here? It feels sad when we can't see people we love. I feel that way too."

Validation with redirection:

":)o you miss mommy? You look sad. I feel that way when I miss someone too. Sometimes I look at pictures of them and that makes me feel better. Why don't we draw a picture of her and you can show her what you drew?"

Validation with boundaries: (probably harder for you than him):

It'll be hard to redirect him if he has come to expect the phone call. If that happens, and he gets frustrated, let him be frustrated. He's pissed because he can't have something, so let him ride out those feelings. "It's frustrating, I know. I can see you feel really mad. I don't like it when I can't have something I want, too." You're validating him, but sticking to your boundary.

It isn't rocket science, but it's hard sometimes to parse out the subtlety. Validation isn't permissiveness. It's not agreeing that bad behavior is ok. It isn't pretending the other person is right. It's simply recognizing that someone's feelings are real.

Power of Validation is an excellent book. It's for parents -- really helped me get my head around this stuff. So did ":)on't Alienate the Kids" by Bill Eddy, which made me see myself in a completely different light. I had to be the one showing my son how to have "managed emotions, flexible thinking, and moderate behaviors" because he certainly wasn't learning it from his dad.