Back again

[KHC_33]

Hi there. It has been a long time since I have come here! So much has happened. I finally cut all ties with my ex. It has been amazing. My life has changed so much. I even moved to a different place from where I moved when I first came to this city. My business is taking off. I have really had the time I needed to heal and move on. Sometimes I do look back but it is with a sense of wow... .I came so far and so have my children.

The man I was seeing back when I was on the board we are now engaged. We still have our own separate places, my choice. My children love him to pieces! He is strong, supportive, he listens. he has so much compassion. He is really the balance that we have had hoped we would gain. We are able to be ourselves and no games and sick BPD. The relationship is wonderful. Boundaries, doing our own things, support and everything. He has dealt with as much as I have. He is still dealing with it.

Now I am back here for more support. My finance has an 11 year old son. I don't know if kids this young can be diagnosed with BPD. Oh my gosh both of my girls (just look at me and say he is exactly like your ex). It is actually scary.

My fiance is fully aware that his son has issues. I don't think he realizes how serious this can be. The son has already been physical with my oldest 14 year old. My daughter would never get physical back. He has horrible temper tantrums. He sets up my youngest on purpose to get into trouble. He yells at his father even. There is no satisfying him in anything my fiancé or I do. It is a constant state of chaos.

He lives with his mother who does the same thing, his grandmother (whom I was close to but I refused to tolerate her when she started to try and put down my fiancé behind his back and do other inappropriate things) She cut me off and will not speak to me nor does she even embrace my own kids any more sadly.

I am looking for some answers. Suggestions? Help? I am going to read my book again. It would be great if I can get some understanding.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HealingSpirit]

Welcome back KHC_33,

And welcome to the parenting board.  It sounds like you were here before due to your exH being the one with BPD.  What a terrible challenge that must have been!  So, here you are, dealing with potential BPD again, only this time, it's your soon-to-be stepson.  I'm so sorry!  You probably thought you were divorcing the "disorder" once and for all, yet here you are again.   

It's good you're re-reading your book on BPD.  I hope you're able to convince your fiancee that his son needs expert help to deal with his overly strong emotions.  Are you all currently in therapy?  Can you find a therapist who uses/teaches DBT? 

Since you're seeking information and support for parenting, I hope you look at the Tools on the right.

I've found S.E.T. particularly helpful in de-escalating my DD17 when she starts raging.  Don't be discouraged if it doesn't work immediately though.  It DOES help.

And the ":)id I Cause this?" article might be a way to let your fiancee know that you are not blaming him for his son's behavior.  BPD is nobody's fault.      ----------------------------------->

I believe you're ahead of the game since you already knew about this site, and all the resources and supportive people here.  Parenting a stepchild is a challenge all by itself.  Add BPD to the mix and I'd say you're growing yourself a set of angel's wings.

Hang in there and let us know what works and what doesn't.

[KHC_33]

I know. I thought I had gotten rid of it once and for all. Sadly mistaken. My Fiance knows his mom and his ex has definitely got BPD. They always have to be in control and about themselves. Every time my soonI to be step son comes he puts us into a FOG. Chaos hits all weekend from left to right and center. The rage is unbelievably strong. It hits both my girls and I like a whip on our hearts.

I don't know if my fiance can grip the fact his son my suffer from it. I told him tonight my oldest daughter whom he loves so much said he reminds her of my ex the way he behaves. Kids are very intuitive and recognize the familiar dynamics we left behind.

As of now my fiance has decided to have NC with his mother, his ex and his son. He has three BPD people constantly at him 300% of the time. He tells me life with me is so different. There is bond, trust, respect and stability.  I don't throw tantrums and I am easily satisfied.  So are my daughters. I try to put less stress and more support. I can honestly say it is scary to see this in a kid. I also know I marry this man... .this is a life time thing. He has told me no one will ever come between us as husband and wife. No one does... not even now. I worry how strong he is. I am never had to deal with this in a child before. It a new battle plan.

[HealingSpirit]

Hi KHC,

I hope you don't mind. I changed the designation of your post to CD, which tells the other parents here that you're dealing with a BPD child.  Your situation is unique though, because you may also be dealing with his EX and his mother, and there are different support boards for those issues as well.  I'd like to invite you to look at the board for Family members and the board for dealing with someone's Ex.

I really feel for you and your fiancee!   You have a rough road ahead, as I know you're aware.   It must be even more of a blow because you thought you were done with this disorder after your divorce.  I can certainly understand why your fiancee would want NC with anyone in his life who has BPD.  He sounds like a dream come true and it's great you have such a strong, healthy relationship. 

But, do I detect you have concerns about him proclaiming NC with his son? As the mother of a BPD child, I'm not sure this is a reasonable expectation of him to make of himself.  Do you really think he can (or should) avoid contact with his son?  You know him best, but you're also very familiar with the volatility and sudden changes in life circumstances when dealing with BPD.  I hope I don't sound "preachy" as that is not my intent.  I just have a hunch having no contact with his son might eventually eat away at your fiancee's conscience.  He sounds like such a great guy, I'm not sure someone so loving & caring would be capable of just walking out of his son's life. (To put it bluntly.)

Do you think if your fiancee came here and learned some tools & skills to help him deal with his son (and his ex), would it open up more options than NC for the rest of his life?  Perhaps the two of you could take a NAMI class called Family to Family. DH & I are signing up to take it because we've heard how helpful it can be for family members dealing with a mentally ill loved one.  And I've come to really "get" that BPD is an illness.

I'm so happy you have found the stable, supportive kind of r/s we all want! If I were in your shoes, I would encourage him to learn everything he can about dealing with BPD.  In my mind, then you're both armed with good tools & skills for whatever the future brings.

[chooselove]

I know you are engaged to be married but I find thoughts coming into my head saying, "I am proud of her for maintaining a separate household for her children and I hope she does not get married and recreate all the chaos she just left."  Perhaps a long term relationship without marriage where your boyfriend can not feel pressured to deal with his son in any way to please you, and you and your kids can continue to enjoy harmony in the house as well as your boyfriend but without all the stress and upset that comes with a BPD.  I would think about this long and hard.  Fill the new voids with something other than endless discussions of BPD people who do not have to be in your life.   I guess after years of blindly attracting BPD's into my life and all the wasted years trying to fix and make up for their problems, I'm feeling like I'd do a lot to avoid ever diving back into that pool, if not for me, than for my family.