How do you explain BPD to younger siblings

[Sam057]

Good evening everyone,

This board has been a lifesaver. I have been able to process things with my 19dd from a different perspective.  One of the most difficult things is knowing how to explain the decompensation of  my 19dd to her siblings: 15yo boy, 14yo boy, 11 yo girl and 9 yo girl. 

Any suggestions on how I can explain BPD with out coming across like BPD is the perfect excuse for bad behavior.

One of my greatest concerns is coming across as permissive and enabling the rest of my kids to mimic the 19BPD inappropriate behaviors.  Or on the other side of that, being perceived as too rigid and unforgiving.  Either extreme can undoubtedly foster a riff in my relationships with my other kids.

Please keep in mind, my ddBPD is often deceptive and lies to her siblings.  I want my kids to be compassionate with their sister but I don't want them to judge me on their big sister's perception but on their own experience with me.

Having a BPD family member makes me want to disappear.  I hate how life has gotten so complicated.  Our ddBPD had the world at her feet and the love, support and acceptance of her family.  My husband and I worked so hard to give our kids a better life than we had and boy did we fail. I feel like we will never be a normal family and that BPD will stigmatize us all. 

I know I sound melodramatic, I just don't what to be is this storm. Therapy has become a routine pRt of our lives and dealing with mental illness is an everyday thing... .I have nieces the same age as my ddBPD and it breaks my heart to see them interacting normally with family and focused on their future, I on the other hand have a resentful ddBPD that hasn't even been able to finish  college semester.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

It can be difficult depending on the ages of the younger children and its possible too that one of them will tell her what you have said.

I think I would just say that she has a brain disorder that makes it very difficult for her to control her feelings when she is angry or upset and also makes it difficult to plan ahead. That you know her behaviour is sometimes not okay and you need to give her extra help with this compared to the average person.

It does get complicated later on when siblings are prepared to accept a lot less than parents, especially if they feel that BPD sibling is taking all the parent's energy and attention. (Believe me I know this!).

[pamik27]

It can be difficult depending on the ages of the younger children and its possible too that one of them will tell her what you have said.

I think I would just say that she has a brain disorder that makes it very difficult for her to control her feelings when she is angry or upset and also makes it difficult to plan ahead. That you know her behaviour is sometimes not okay and you need to give her extra help with this compared to the average person.

It does get complicated later on when siblings are prepared to accept a lot less than parents, especially if they feel that BPD sibling is taking all the parent's energy and attention. (Believe me I know this!).

Boy that is great advice in a short amount of space. Thank you for writing that.

I have been struggling with similar issues... .like just the other night when my 16yo daughter woke everyone up at 1:30 in the morning screaming at me because I insisted she not have her iPhone in her room late at night, but she instead flipped the whole conversation over to why I'm not a good mom (which is bulls**t -- I'm a very good mom, but anyway... .) It ended with her sobbing pitifully and saying she just doesn't know what's wrong with her and why she can't be like everyone else.

The next morning, my 14yo son asked, "What was THAT about?" I used to sugar-coat things, but I don't anymore. I just tell him what the fight was about, and I have told him that she struggles with emotional control etc... He's an understanding kid, but I feel bad that he has to live with this.