It's the end of the world... again

[Hanging on in MN]

My UD13 returned from the hospital last Monday after a 2 week stay.  Based on her behavior there I really didn't have any great expectations.  For about an hour of the 2 hour car ride home we were arguing about the new rules in the house and the lock down nightly situation. First week went pretty well, she had a bit of a problem with her not being able to get out of the house at night, but she's locked down because that is when she would take off.  Today was the first bad day and that is only because my husband and I busted her in a lie and grounded her for the next day.

There is a park that she likes to go to however, due to the fact that the 17 year old boy she was dating lives right by it and her other friends live near by too.  We have banned her from going to that park once she returned home from the hospital (as well as the boy).  Today we found her at the park and the boy was there too, not with her but there.  She had led me to believe she was at a friends house, but something just didn't feel right.

So once we collected her and had dinner things were fine.  She was ok with the punishment.  Then her friends mom called and we figured something else was off.  So we got her to admit to more lies.  And now she's grounded for longer.  Well that just won't do.  She is now yelling at us and telling us that it is our fault she's in trouble because we won't let her go to that park.  It's a public park and she can go if she wants to.  So we are in the wrong for telling her she can't go there and we are causing all the problems now.

I just don't understand how she can't accept our rules.  We are stupid and horrible parents and she wants us to give her up so she can go live in foster care (I'm temped).  I don't understand how she doesn't see that it's her actions not ours that is causing the problems and the fights.  And looking back I used to think she didn't have much common sense and that drove me crazy because my husband and I have a lot of common sense.  UD doesn't think ahead about consequences to actions or how to get what she may want.  I remember doing a ton of nice things for my mom if I wanted something.  UD just thinks she should get it.

I don't know how to communicate with her.  What do you say to her when she says the reason she is in trouble is because I won't let her do something?  So it's all my fault and if I would stop being stupid things would be fine.  I am at a loss.   I am learning her views are very black and white, no in between. 

This surely doesn't help my depression.  :'(

Any advise would be very welcomed... .thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Elbry]

 

My DD also goes on the attack when I set limits.  Your post sounds so familiar to me, a very similar thing happened to me 2 weeks ago.  My DD was supposed to be somewhere, my mom sense went off, as you said, it didn't "feel right" and I caught her where she wasn't supposed to be.  She usually attacks me with guilt "you hate me" "you don't care that I don't have any friends" "you just want to send me away and get rid of me" etc. etc.  Like your daughter, she wants to move out, not to foster care though, she has no delusions about that.  She has this grand scheme of going to a judge when she turns 16 and becoming emancipated.   

A lot of people have better advice than I have about using things like SET when talking to your daughter.  There are lessons to the side on the right that are very helpful to us.  Our daughters have a lot in common, the black and white thinking, the feelings of entitlement, impulsiveness with no thought to consequences. it's hard to deal with, it's frustrating and it's exhausting.   I tell my daughter, I do love you, I just want you safe and I will do what I have to to protect you and keep you that way. When she is in a good place, she hears it. 

I'm sorry I don't really have better advice for you, I really just wanted to post that you are not alone.  There are many of us in this together.   

[pamik27]

Hi, I too want to say you are not alone.

I have had very similar issues with my daughter, who is 16.

I hear something in your post that I can really relate to, which is that feeling of frustration about your ability to set limits as a parent. A few months ago, when she was still only 15, my daughter wanted to date this "bad boy" who was wrong on so many levels... .(not the least of which is that was, at the time, dating her friend).

I tried 50 different ways to stop her, and finally one day I just said (okay, yelled) at her, "You know what? I give up. Because in the end, no matter what I say or do, you ALWAYS end up doing exactly what you want to." And it's true... .it has always been this way.

On bad days, I feel as if this is because a) she has no respect for my authority b) she does not care about my feelings or how I will likely -- again -- be forced to pick up the pieces when the ___ hits the fan. I question "where I went wrong" and feel jealous of other parents who don't have to deal with this stuff.

But, in part because of the wisdom I read on this site, I am getting to a point where I realize I really don't have much control over her... .and I need to start letting go a bit and let her just learn on her own. I am NOT responsible for everything.

[peace in steel town]

The joy of being a parent of a teenager. If they are not mad at you once in a while, then you are not doing your job as a parent.

[theplotthickens]

My daughter was WILD and out of control emotionally at 13... .I would say 12-16 were her worst years!  I would suspect that grounding will lead to your daughter feeling isolated and alone and that might trigger further escalation of behaviors.  I don't prefer grounding because it makes everyone miserable.  Other logical consequences may be considered, as well as giving her a path to earn trust.  We have gone with chaperoning the friend in question instead of grounding, making restitution through other means such as completing household chores or writing a paper.  It works best if my daughter is mostly on daily expectations.  I'd wonder if giving your daughter a choice of consequences, having her come up with ways to earn trust back, and letting her know that you support her having friends, having fun, and being happy might help.  Lying and sneaking is not the way to earn freedom from parents.  At the same time, escalating punishments will only trigger more misbehavior from kids with illnesses.  It is so hard to know how to set boundaries with love.  Anything logical that supports my child in getting her needs met has worked the best here.  "Worked" is too strong of a word, LOL!  It is all relative!  

If you find out what your daughter is needing (friendship, belonging, peers to relate to, acceptance, etc) then you can work toward a parenting plan that will get her what she needs without breaking rules.  If you want to brainstorm possible discipline/communication ideas for a particular situation, let us know.

It is exhausting! I hope you are taking care of yourself and your depression.  I also recommend reading the parenting resources on this site.  

[jellibeans]

Dear hanging on

I am sorry you are struggling so with your dd13... .I know your worry and your stress. Especially after a hospital visit. Can you tell us a bit more about why she was admitted? What does lock down mean?

My dd17 has been struggling for many years now and at times she has managed pretty good. This summer we have seen a return to old behaviors and I really don't trust her a whole lot. So how do you rebuild that trust. How do approach things with a problem solving mindset? I am taking aDBT class rightnow with my dd17 and two of the days we are together... .it really has helped me a great deal. I am still very frustrated at times but I think what I get most out of the class is the notion of trying to find the middle ground. That is what I am trying to do with my dd ... .there really isn't one right and one wrong way of looking at a problem.

With my dd I have the ap life 360 on her phone... .this allows me to track her and I can ask her to check in with me. She can find ways around this ap but so far it has worked pretty good. Maybe this would help your worry level? This park that she goes to... .what exactly do people of her age do there? What is the big attraction? I feel it is better to set boundaries and let the natural consequences unfold. Grounding  can be harsh if it is long and I am trying to reduce punishments and try to spot the good behavior at the same time. Have you read Valerie Porr's book Overcoming BPD? I really found this book to be so helpful to me. You really have to approach your dd differently... .tough love is not going work and will make things worse.

We have all been where you are right now... .13 is a hard age and I do think they get better as they get older... .it can be a rough ride... .hang in there.