We recycle every two weeks... I can't stand it anymore

[MustangMan]

I have been in this living hell for eight months now and we probably have recycled 12 to 14 times now... .Last time occured two days ago.  Its always the same routine ending up in a huge verbal fight and her packing her stuff.   After, my BPDgf begs me for hours to give her a chance saying she has understand all the bad things she did to me and she will never repeat them.  Then, she plays a game for a week or so, where she splits and hides all her frustrations and bad feelings... .Then, she starts complaining about every little things I do and then I grow tired of her being constantly on my back with negative energy and then we fight.

I try hard to keep my position to break up and have her leave my life, but every time after we fight she would harrass me continuously for HOURS until I break down and give her "another" chance.  The fact that we are living together and that she has no money and she's completely dependent does not help.  The fact that I am falling into depression for giving up all sports, friends and feeling I have to focus on her rollercoaster feelings... .  I don't want to use the judicial system anymore, cause I have used it with my exBPDgf and it was just more nightmare-ish. 

I am trying my very best to keep my mental and financial health on the positive side until I finally get her out of my life for good.   I am using every support I can get to work on myself and get rid of this "caretaker" habits of mine.  Thanks for reading and sharing toughts... .

[thereishope]

I have been in this living hell for eight months now and we probably have recycled 12 to 14 times now... .Last time occured two days ago.  Its always the same routine ending up in a huge verbal fight and her packing her stuff.   After, my BPDgf begs me for hours to give her a chance saying she has understand all the bad things she did to me and she will never repeat them.  Then, she plays a game for a week or so, where she splits and hides all her frustrations and bad feelings... .Then, she starts complaining about every little things I do and then I grow tired of her being constantly on my back with negative energy and then we fight.

I try hard to keep my position to break up and have her leave my life, but every time after we fight she would harrass me continuously for HOURS until I break down and give her "another" chance.  The fact that we are living together and that she has no money and she's completely dependent does not help.  The fact that I am falling into depression for giving up all sports, friends and feeling I have to focus on her rollercoaster feelings... .  I don't want to use the judicial system anymore, cause I have used it with my exBPDgf and it was just more nightmare-ish. 

I am trying my very best to keep my mental and financial health on the positive side until I finally get her out of my life for good.   I am using every support I can get to work on myself and get rid of this "caretaker" habits of mine.  Thanks for reading and sharing toughts... .

I can relate.  I'm so sorry you are dealing with these things.  It really does suck. 

To hear someone else say "tired of negative energy", and "I am trying my very best to keep my ... .health on the positive side until I finally get... .out of my life for good... ." is affirming that maybe I'm "not crazy" ... .It feels bad to feel this way about someone when they are not "acting out" at the moment... . 

Can someone explain "splitting" and "projection" to me in more detail?  I want to understand these in more detail... .because my mind "thinks things are ok" when we are having times of "relative peace"... .

Thanks!

[thereishope]

I want to elaborate... .when I say times of relative peace, I don't EVER feel inner peace COMPLETELY about this relationship/marriage.  Not ever.

[MustangMan]

“Splitting” is a term that describes the ability to hold opposing thoughts, feelings, or beliefs about oneself or others.   pwBPD does not see the shades of gray like you and I.   EVERYTHING is always either black or white, good or bad, depending on their emotions of the moment.  I can change from black to white in a split second, but it will never be gray for them.  When pwBPD are splitting in a positive way for us, they are putting aside or "forgetting" all the bad stuff and they try to show or act out their best behavior, even though they may be boiling inside.  This is just temporary until the next outburst of rage.  In a normal relationship, you try to express and communicate your feelings to the other and you are able to see the gray zone, i.e. something that is not completely bad or completely good.

[MustangMan]

*it can change from black to white... .

[thereishope]

Thank you, MM for answering my question... .

... .So basically, my uBPDh has not really grown at all through anything we have communicated about regarding the things about me that irritate him... .but instead is just burying his "reality about me" and acting better for a period of time... .until the things build up again enough for him to blow up... .I want to learn more about this... .

[thereishope]

... .Maybe this is why he seems almost ALWAYS sullen and withdrawn... .like he just chewed on a lemon... .almost ignoring me/life with his head stuck in his phone imobsters game 99% of the time?    I guess I should be thankful he is not out cheating on me with other women atm... .I believe he is getting his affirmation/supply from being really good "a boss" at the game on his phone... .I feel like such a b... .h talking about him this way, but I still don't think I'm seeing reality strong enough... .Feel so stupid and tired... .

[Heartandsole]

I posted the below in another forum but wanted to repost here for you as I am trying to leave and tempted to recycle.  I hope this helps you.  It may just be helpful to know what chapter of your life you are in and just to recognize and honor that.  There is no judgement on how fast you want to turn the pages!  Here is my "recycled" post :

I am at a crossroads of two streets as many of you are.  I'm tempted to go down the same one I've walked for 15 years... .it's a habit.  I know that street.  It's full of bomb-holes where landmines have gone off after I step on the triggers.  I've learned to walk around most of the old holes... .but I can't stop stepping on the seemingly unlimited triggers dammit!  I think its best to get off this roller coaster path of up/down as I go in and out of these holes, it has made me sick.  I need to be well. It's time to walk down a new street.

I read this when I'm temped to recycle.  It has been helpful to me and I want to pass it along.

Autobiography In Five Short Chapters from "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying"

Chapter I

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost... .I am hopeless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in this same place.

But it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it there.

I still fall in... .it's a habit... .but,

my eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

- Portia Nelson

[MustangMan]

@Heartandsole   I saw your poem on your other post, but the problem is not about me wanting to take another street, its the same street where I fell so many times thats following me wherever I go.  I am already done with her emotionnaly, but since she stays at my place and she does not want to go anywhere else I am stuck with her.

@thereishope   Your husband might have the emotional maturity of a 2-3 years old kid, in a grown-up body.   Usually our maturity follows our body aging, but for BPD the emotional part get stuck.   Also, BPD live all the other parts of their lives like grown-up, except for the regulation of emotions.   This is why it is so hard to figure out and understand why the act like that even for their mature age.   There is no "logic" in the emotions of a 2-3 year-old kid, when you are a parent you dont try to figure "why is my kid angry, frustrated, sad, etc" its because they dont know yet how to deal with their emotions and express them like a mature person.  It is normal for a kid, not for a grown up.  Dont try to find any logic in your husband emotional outbursts, there is no logic.   The emotions they live in the moment is the only valid emotion to them and they live it to the fullest, no matter the logic behind it.  The best way to discuss when emotions are flared is to reply by using an emotional type of conversation like saying "When you act like that, I feel deeply sad or I feel ... ." instead of saying " I dont see a reason why you would act like that".

[Heartandsole]

MustangMan,

You must really feel trapped with her staying with you and you not knowing how to get out of the situation.  I am sorry for that.  Makes it really complicated I'm sure. Hang in there, something is bound to break loose for you eventually a situation, or understanding that will get you out of the rut!

[refusetosuccumb]

MustangMan, she stays at your place and refuses to leave?  My ex did that (we were married).  Luckily for me, we were renting so when I moved out with the kiddos (he cheated) I gave notice and told him to find his own place.  I make twice as much money as he did, he is on disability.  But even though I make twice as much, I'm the one monetarily responsible for the kids since I have them 99% of the time. I felt like a really, really evil human being for leaving him.  But his actions were to the point where it was affecting the kids and I chose to keep the 3 of us healthy and leave him be.

He found a place with the help of a local organization (I helped him do this, I didn't want to see him homeless) but this kept him out of my  place.  He couch surfed for about a week because I didn't want him staying here.  He is now living in his own place, more successfully than he was acting when I was his crutch.

The reason I told you my story is that you have to ask yourself if you are truly stuck with her, or if it's just too painful at the moment to actually go through with it and leave her to her own devices?

I'm sorry you feel stuck.  I did too, until I realized I had some uncomfortable options at my disposal.