communicating with BPD daugter, single mother of 2 grandchildren

[tawnja]

I am a young 64 year old grandmother of 2 little boys. I have to work full time+(12 hour shifts) at a hospital. I have a 30 year old daughter with BPD raising my 2 grandchildren. I struggle with trying to help her arrange appointments for the boys, keep theirs and keep her own appointments. She gets overwhelmed even making appointments let alone keeping them. She has an adhd 8 year old and an extremely active almost 3 year old and her organizational skills are a mess both due the disorder and the chaos of the childrens daily activity. She has sabatoged every relationship she has had so no one to help from her world.I have only within the last couple of years figured out what I was dealing with because drugs and alcohol and her lies have distorted everything. She doesnt abuse substances anymore but getting things accomplished for the boys are a real challenge. I have learned not to overwhelm her with questions or expectations and try to keep it simple. Anything you can refer me to or any tips you can give me would be so appreciated. PS My friends and family are burned out.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

HI tawnja,

I am sorry that you are dealing with so much righty now. I understand and feel your pain. I too have a 30 year old BPD daughter with a 5 year old son that lives with me, I also work long shifts and try  to help her get it together.

The best advice I can give you is to read the links on the right side of this site. The lessons and tools are great.

Is your dd in therapy? DBT is the most highly recommended therapy for persons with BPD, my own dd has just recently started DBT, and I am hoping for success.

There are a lot of members here to help and advise,so good luck.

Remember to take care of yourself, and know I am thinking of you, hugs

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, tawnja &    

I'm glad to see you found us here on the Parenting a Son or Daughter with BPD Board, and you'll see that all of us are dealing with troubles and situations very similar to yours. Dealing with a loved one with BPD is different than the norm; have you had the chance to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page? Start at the top, and work your way down and you will get a good handle on how your daughter's mind works--why she acts the way she does--and how to communicate with her in a way that stops pushing every one of her buttons, and helps you to help her.

I also have the same questions as tristesse... .Has she actually been to Therapy? Been diagnosed by a professional? Is she in Therapy now? Does she have any co-diagnoses? Like ADD, Depression, Social Anxiety, Substance Abuse, etc.? Has she ever been treated in any way for her troubles? What about her 8-year-old? Has he been diagnsosed, and is he being treated for it or is the school he attends helping in any way?

Please let us know more of your situation, tawnja, so we can know better how to help you  

[tawnja]

yes she has been diagnosed with BPD and my grandson with ADHD. She has resisted admitting that she even needed therapy until recently. However she has had her drivers license suspended for a year; still trying to get out of the legal system after DUI's several years ago. Almost out of the system when she was caught driving w/o insurance that she couldn't afford and then a hefty fine she couldn't pay. Its an ongoing drama. I finally drove her to therapist for my grandson and he had his first session today. They are both on meds and hopefully she will keep going with therapy for both of them. Besides my worry for their future I blame myself for being so involved with work when my daughter was small (Single mom raising 2 daughters) and I don't think I did much validating of them. I thought we had good communication but I don't think we did. My oldest is an over-achiever-very successful and very angry and unsympathetic of my younger who is just the opposite and feels like a failure for not being like her sister. Their dad an unavailable alcoholic. Wonderful family huh! Anyway my focus is on staying sane and trying to give my grandchildren the best of what I can. I worry that is enough but at 64 my employment opportunities are limited and if I quit my job to become a mom I have very little financial assistance, I lose my house and I offer them poverty which is what they live in now. I so am thankful for this website. I need to get more than a work computer because I think the videos offered on the right would be helpful if I could hear them. Any video or reading material aside from this would be appreciated. Any input otherwise as well.

[tawnja]

I forgot to ask has anyone been in so denial of this being your child's diagnosis that you couldn't even deal with it. It is terrifying to me still. I feel I am entering a world dark, ugly and shameful for anyone to know about. I have resisted NAMI because I am too proud to believe this is happening to me and my family. Maybe I preferred to think of her as an alcoholic or drug addict if that makes any sense.

[Rapt Reader]

I forgot to ask has anyone been in so denial of this being your child's diagnosis that you couldn't even deal with it. It is terrifying to me still. I feel I am entering a world dark, ugly and shameful for anyone to know about. I have resisted NAMI because I am too proud to believe this is happening to me and my family. Maybe I preferred to think of her as an alcoholic or drug addict if that makes any sense.

Hmmmm... .That's an interesting way to think about it, tawnja. My own adult (37) son was just diagnosed with BPD last year, after a multi-year addiction to Heroin and many horrible symptoms and behaviors that drove him and our whole family to depression and pain. When he went to the 21-day Intensive In-Patient Dual Diagnosis Program that finally diagnosed him with BPD shortly after admission, it changed everything for him: He finally understand where his troubles were coming from, and with that understanding and the DBT treatments he received, he changed back to the kid he was before all of his problems began. I have to say, the diagnosis and understanding of BPD that he gleaned (and the understanding the rest of us gleaned along with him) has changed our lives for the better... .

If you have problems getting access to a computer for the links to the right-hand side of this page (Tools & The Lessons), you could pick up some books that could help you, too... ."Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr has been very helpful to many of us parents on this Board, as well as "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" by Randi Kreger. You might want to check them out (go to the Book Reviews Board to read about them and get some links to order them. Amazon.com is also a good place to order from).

If you can check out the links on the right side of this page, please read them all; everything there was specially chosen and listed for parents just like us, tawnja 

[lever.]

One of the sad things about mental health issues is that people often feel a sense of shame and bewilderment about them that they would not feel about physical illnesses.

My DD has, in the past, done things that have caused me to feel shame.

Reading Valerie Porr's book helped me to understand the disorder behind these behaviours, as did "Stop walking on Eggshells" which I read some time ago.

Naturally parents often feel that their children's behaviour reflects on them but these books explain that it isn't your fault and that they are also struggling with a disabling disorder.

It certainly is frightening to get a diagnosis-but when we know what we are dealing with there are tools to help.

I do speak from experience of having to hold my head up when my DD was behaving very erratically and telling embarrassing lies about us.

I read a quote somewhere :"They can take your reputation but not your character". That helped me and quite often the truth comes out in the end if you don't rush to defend yourself.

Please try to overcome any feelings of shame tawnja and seek any help you can.

Also poor self-worth is part of the disorder and it will help your daughter if you can get past this