How to proceed next

[Fulltoss]

Hi, need some advice. For the last 5 weeks after a particular high rage episode I have been making boundaries with my wife because I have decided to leave. She has sensed this and has been at very good behaviour. However, frustration crept in and finally she raged again at which time I let her know that we should separate since we can't get along well together ( we have been married for a little over 1 yr and problems began from day 1 of marriage itself). Unfortunately last evening in a moment of weakness I gave in to her blackmailing (she would not go back home and she does not know anybody in the city  or have any place to go) and told her I am going to give her one more chance and she has assured me that she will not let any 'incident' happen again, that she has changed since the last 5 weeks. I of course regret giving in to her blackmail now and want to continue with my original plan of separating with her in the immediate next few days... should I really feel guilty about continuing with my plan? What I am sure of us that it us impossible for me to continue stating with her.

[Mutt]

It's OK if you're undecided. We can't make a choice for you to leave of not to leave. Having second thoughts is OK and also playing into FOG is OK. You haven't been separated for long and it takes time for the heart to catch up to the head.

Here's more information on FOG and emotional blackmail.

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

Having said that. Do you feel like you should be posting on Undecided and give yourself ample time to think things through? If your mind is made and you know this is what you want to execute that's OK too.

[Fulltoss]

Thank you, Mutt. Actually I am decided about leaving but we are still staying together. I had made plans/arrangements of leaving her in two day's time. However, since I told her that I am going to give her one more chance (under blackmail and emotional pleas for forgiveness),  I am now feeling guilty about acting on my intentions... .

[Mutt]

Thank you, Mutt. Actually I am decided about leaving but we are still staying together. I had made plans/arrangements of leaving her in two day's time. However, since I told her that I am going to give her one more chance (under blackmail and emotional pleas for forgiveness),  I am now feeling guilty about acting on my intentions... .

My ex left me and told me such 4 months before moving out. A very difficult 4 months and I understand. I feel for you   Don't be hard on yourself. You recognize the feeling for what it is. There's FOG and likely some of her projection as well in there with guilt and shame if you are still together in the same living space. She's projecting that guilt unto you.

Do you know what projection is? How much longer are you living together?

[refusetosuccumb]

Don't be hard on yourself.  Babysteps, right?

For me, I had to start the ball rolling so that it got momentum that was out of my hands.  We were renting and I put in our 30 day notice the day after telling my ex I was leaving with the kids.  Then I got myself a new apartment in short time too.  By that time, any sort of "second thoughts" I had were out of my control... .I WAS moving.  This is what I needed to do and my ex was guilting me right up until the day I moved out.  It took him 3 weeks of living in a motel and being homeless for him to finally wise up that he was on his own.  I think his plan was to move in with me and the kids, since he didn't have anywhere to live.  When I told him "no" I heard all about how terrible I was for leaving the father of my kids homeless and mentally ill.  The guilt is strong, I so get that.

Keep up the good work.  If you have ultimately decided to leave, live with that feeling for a bit and make plans based on that decision.  If you are still waivering, that's ok too.  It took me kicking him out last year, recycling one last time, and still another 11 months to officially move.  But I need to do it on my own time.

[Fulltoss]

Thanks Ref*. Yes I am aware of projection- apart from projection if mistreatment, selfish behaviour, I have also been called 'p****o' requiring treatment a few times now. Planning to move out after 2 days, which is approximately 5 weeks if drawing boundaries and one week moment yesterday which I mentioned about earlier... .

[Mutt]

Thanks Ref*. Yes I am aware of projection- apart from projection if mistreatment, selfish behaviour, I have also been called 'p****o' requiring treatment a few times now. Planning to move out after 2 days, which is approximately 5 weeks if drawing boundaries and one week moment yesterday which I mentioned about earlier... .

You have tremendous support here during this very difficult transition. Don't hesitate to reach out on the boards to people that have gone through what your going through and know. We're here 24/7. Hang in there Fulltoss. Keep doing what you're doing  Trust your instincts, it's hard when your still around the FOG and projection. It gets better.

[Fulltoss]

Hi... .I just wanted to update that after a very volatile last week and my persistent attempts to separate-I finally succumbed with the understanding with my partner that we will give the relationship one more positive chance based on her assurance that blowups will not happen again. This last week I have been through all kinds of outbursts, pleas and other extreme behavior which just reinforces what I already know that there is no other way out but to leave the relationship, yet I could not complete my plan.

Now I will give the relationship one more chance even though I should know what to expect. I Will wait to fight the battle another day, hopefully next time around I will not yield in but face the storm irrespective if what it takes and get out of it!

[refusetosuccumb]

I get it.  Totally, completely understand where you are coming from right now.  Thanks for updating

One thing I found valuable for my own sanity was continuing to work on my exit plan while working on the r/s one last time.  I'm a planner (ironic, considering that any sort of plan is exactly the opposite thinking of a PBD partner) and I love having a few back up plans for everything important.  This way, if she miraculously becomes who you need her to be, that plan never needs to be enacted.   But if she continues (which is sounds like you are pretty convinced that she can't committ to this) then you can leave, knowing you gave it your all.

I had my "one more time" recycle with my ex after he actually physically moved out last year with his affair partner (gosh, I feel so dumb writing that and then taking him back!).  Him moving out was a blessing to me, the Fear of being without him wasn't there and it was his decision to leave.  When he came back, grovelling, 2 months later I decided to try one last time.  At the end of the day, I can look myself in the eye and KNOW that I did everything I could to save my marriage. 

Good for you for establishing the boundaries for reconcilliation.  I think it's mature to outline exactly what you expect her NOT to do, this way she can't say she didn't know.  The hard part will be pulling the plug when she completely demolishes the boundary.  But you need to do that if she rages at you again.  You deserve peace.

 

[refusetosuccumb]

What part of your "plan" are you struggling with?  Maybe we can help.

[thereishope]

Thanks Ref*. Yes I am aware of projection- apart from projection if mistreatment, selfish behaviour, I have also been called 'p****o' requiring treatment a few times now. Planning to move out after 2 days, which is approximately 5 weeks if drawing boundaries and one week moment yesterday which I mentioned about earlier... .

You have tremendous support here during this very difficult transition. Don't hesitate to reach out on the boards to people that have gone through what your going through and know. We're here 24/7. Hang in there Fulltoss. Keep doing what you're doing  Trust your instincts, it's hard when your still around the FOG and projection. It gets better.

I am here, too.  I was also called psy... .o and that told I "need help".  Right now we have been on a relatively "calm stretch" with no big extended uproars... .but I just feel kind of crazy and exhausted by the yo-yo rollercoaster ride.  Not sure I want to even work on it, but right now there's no extreme BPD behavior to back up my unhappy feelings.

[Fulltoss]

Thank you very much Ref*, Thereishope. I am really struggling with the following :- She just can't stop her raging, complaining and criticizing. Yet she just doesn't let me go at any cost. She will never 'Accept' me leaving her. Her reasons for not leaving me seem to be a complex mixture of fear, ego and considering separation a social taboo. In any case, whenever she gets a heightened sense of me wanting to leave her, the situation gets very very volatile. Now the only way I feel I can get away is to close my eyes to the volatility and just be extremely firm until she gives in. Due to logistical constraints I just can't leave the house one find day.

[thereishope]

That is very hard, fulltoss... .I know it's not fun being in this predicament.  Not fun at all.  I too, am thinking of all sides of it... .our home here is all "set up", and leaving would take me having to re-do all parts of life for myself and my kids.  Do-able, yes... .Hard... .yes. My question to myself is, "Can I stay here and stay sane... .or is this lifestyle slowly draining the life out of me?"  That I think is a good starting point.  Can I make this work in some sort of healthy manner, or do I actually NEED to be free of it to survive? 

Don't forget that ultimately, she is responsible for her own behavior, as involuntary as it may seem, she COULD be going full force in the direction of getting help in order to make YOUR life easier, too... .but is she?  Ultimately, we can only control our own behavior, reactions, and decisions on what is best for ourselves.  The others are responsible for their side of it as well... .Just thoughts... .  God bless!