Head above water

[Clearhead]

Easier said than done. I feel as if Im going crazy. Been married for 15 years and have four beautiful children. My eyes have opened to realising that I have completely lost myself in this marriage. My wife has not been diagnosed with Bpd nor will she as she refuses to see anybody for any kind of therapy. I have been blamed for everything that has ever gone wrong in our marriage. I am at blame for her unhappiness. I am not worth being called a man or father. I have never provided for her in any way, financially, emotionally, sexually. In 15 years I have not yet heard the words "I am sorry" cross her lips. Yet, despite the fact that I do provide and despite the fact that I always tried to keep the peace, saying sorry even though I did nothing wrong - I cannot walk on these egg shells no longer. It is soo hard though. I still love her dearly, and probably will always. She moved out of our room 6 months ago, only speaks to me if necessary, ignores me, always angry and emotional and tells me that I am directly responsible for how she is and reacts. She is never wrong or to blame for anything. I have tried everything to convince her to see a therapist with me - not interested. She tells me that she is not going to let someone else tells her what she wants from her marriage or what she is doing wrong. Why is she so scared to see or find help?  I have put my foot down this time and will not cave in by saying sorry for something I have not done. I told her that unless she sees someone with me, we cannot move forward. She is not going to give in - she is so stubborn and emotionally immature. Has our marriage and our children no value to her?  All of the above and the fact that I feel manipulated, brain washed, emotionally and sometimes physically abused, leads me to the conclusion that there is a high probability that my wife does have Bpd. What am I to do for my own sanity and that of my children. Neither one of us can afford to move out. I am on antidepressants and has seen a psychologist, but still feel angry, betrayed, guilty and a whole lot of other emotions. Please help if you can?  Thank you for allowing me to vent and to tell you my story.

[kiwimitch]

Oh Mate, it is hard for me to grasp that you had 16 years of this... .  Hell I went through it for a year...   She was okay for the first three months, then the rot set in...   And exactly exactly like you describe. 

You deserve a grammy award for tolerance for hanging in there so long...   One year nearly burnt me out,,  I gave it 100% but she crapped on me again and again...

And just like you describe, she did absolutely nothing wrong.  Not a single thing...   You describe it all so perfectly... .

It is great you have made a move, and in time it will get better. 

It seems hard to imagine it can,,  but as you gain more strength, you start to re-surface faster... .

Hang in there... .   

[Clearhead]

Thanks Kiwimitch for the encouragement. Yes its been too long, a lifetime. The sad part is that you get so used to being treated this way, brainwashed in a way, soul destroying, a part of you. No more, however.

I know I cannot force her to see a Psych, either way she is so clever and maipulative that the Psych will probably belief all her lies and blaming me solely for this mess.

We still live in the same house, seperate rooms and I hate it. At least there is less fighting, but the silent treatment and ignoring me as if I do not exist is just another form of abuse.

I am trying to set boundries and walk away when she starts accusing, ranting, raving, mental abuse. Dont know what else to do, other than suck it up for the sake of the children. Everything I do and is going to do, will be for them. I do hope that when they are old enough they will understand and will be able to forgive and realise that I did all this for them. How do I get my life back, my dignity, my pride, my soul. How do I regain a sense of self and enjoy life again. For 20 years she has been my life and everything and now it all gone. Yes I feel sad, angry, frustrated, confused, anxious, depressed and everything else. I know it will get better.

[Clearhead]

How do I leave my BPD wife with four kids involved?  How do I leave, not knowing who I an anymore, not knowing what I want and what I need. I have been destroyed, mentally and physically. I do not know what to do first or even if I want to. Have I lost the plot?