Do all BPD's cheat?

[Youcantfoolme]

I'm reading some posts on here and I'm noticing a trend. There seems to be a lot of infidelity going on or at the very least, attention seeking behavior (from the other sex). Is this a common theme with BPD? My brother thought his ex was possibly BPD. Comparing her to his current wife, his ex had some, slight BPD like traits! His current wife has full blown, textbook BPD! His ex was known to think in black and white. She also cheated. When I look at the full picture, I think a lot of her cheating had to do with the way she idealized love. She wanted a story book, movie (like the Notebook), passionate, romantic relationship. She was always posting pics of men and women embracing each other, dancing with one another or kissing. It was weird. I could see the fantasy through her eyes. Once my bro and her settled into their routine, she seemed to get bored. She wanted a relationship to be like a lifetime movie where the guy does nothing but try to please her, romance her, and tell her how beautiful she is. We all want that, but most of us love in reality and know that most men are just not capable of that 24/7/365, and that's ok!

I'm wondering if this is something that happens quite often because I know BPD people have a need for lots of adoration and attention. They seem to become bored easily. I'd never wish anything bad to happen to my brother but I feel like if his current wife cheated on him, she'd be doing him a favor! I do know that she's very flirtatious and likes getting attention from other men. To me that's just as bad.

[Vexed]

My exBPDgf was not much of a cheater.  Early in our r/s when we not yet "technically" since we decided to end it she hooked up with another guy, 5 days later she came back.  I didnt know then what she had done.  I found out a month later when I called her on it, then she told me she loved me for the first time and said she only did because she didnt want to feel feelings for me, I bought it, hookline and sinker.  Then now (2 years later) a similar scenario seems to be occuring, she broke up with me and has been dating multiple guys from tinder, she had 1 in particular she liked, of course she cant help throwing it in my face.  Anyway the last i heard was she doesnt want to date him anymore and wants to try again with me. Other than that, she probably has cheated on me with her exhusband who she has 2 kids with, since we have been long distance for the last year and she always tells me how he trys to kiss her, etc. then I find inconsitencies in her story that don't add up... NBut i really dont think anyone else.

[BorisAcusio]

Do all BPD sufferers have the capacity to do horrible things behind your back? The answers is a definite yes. It's a ticking time bomb that could go off at any time.

[goldylamont]

i think one BPD play that's often overlooked is what i call the breakup-2-hookup technique. i think many pwBPD don't want to 'cheat' technically, so they will up the abuse or manufacture a scene to cause the r/s to break up--with the intention of sleeping with someone else. then, when they have their fill they can resume/recycle the longer term r/s. this way, they can claim they weren't 'cheating'. but to me, the breakup-2-hookup is even worse, it's just as calculated and you have a heavy dose of abuse doled out to cause a 'break' in the first place. it's still sleeping around whilst hiding your motives... .it's perfect in a way since they can then blame the other person for pushing them away and causing them to sleep with someone else. extra free ammo to use at a later date.

of course i wouldn't think that *all* pwBPD cheat. some may simply not have the means, wherewithal or the looks. or some may have more integrity or less of a drive to do so.

with the consistency of lying with the disorder though, i simply wouldn't trust a pwBPD ever in this regard though. not to condemn all of them... .just statistically i'd never take this chance. especially if they are attractive and get attention.

[Vexed]

i think one BPD play that's often overlooked is what i call the breakup-2-hookup technique. i think many pwBPD don't want to 'cheat' technically, so they will up the abuse or manufacture a scene to cause the r/s to break up--with the intention of sleeping with someone else. then, when they have their fill they can resume/recycle the longer term r/s. this way, they can claim they weren't 'cheating'. but to me, the breakup-2-hookup is even worse, it's just as calculated and you have a heavy dose of abuse doled out to cause a 'break' in the first place. it's still sleeping around whilst hiding your motives... .it's perfect in a way since they can then blame the other person for pushing them away and causing them to sleep with someone else. extra free ammo to use at a later

This is what my ex did.  I think you said it much more clearly than me.

[Karmachameleon]

I don't have any reason to think that either of my BPDex's ever cheated, but there's really no way for me to know for sure.  They were both pretty insecure and self-conscious, so I feel like they would be uncomfortable getting undressed in front of just anyone.  But, I've been wrong about a lot of things, so anything is really possible.

[BorisAcusio]

... .just statistically i'd never take this chance. especially if they are attractive and get attention.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3071095/

Hull et al9 examined 71 hospitalized female patients who were diagnosed with BPD. These investigators found that 46 percent of the participants in this study impulsively entered into sexual relationships with partners that they did not know very well (i.e., they engaged in casual sexual relationships).

In this study, we found that participants with BPD were twice as likely to endorse casual sexual relationships as well as promiscuity, regardless of clinical setting.

In a third study, we examined a consecutive sample of 354 internal medicine outpatients.16 Using either of two self-report measures for BPD, participants with this Axis II disorder reported approximately twice the number of different sexual partners compared to those without BPD.

[imstronghere2]

If my opinion counts at all, I would say yes.  It's part of who they are.

[bansh]

Unless they have self esteem issues so extreme (and distorted) that it would cripple their efforts, also if they isolated themselves with you so successfully their bridges stay burned. Funnily before it got that extreme (with lucky me).  I've had this person admit doing the whole "manufacture a fight/break up with someone" to someone else they were with previously "who they were with just because they were lonely but really wanted" me the whole time.  The person must've knew something was up when all of their own previous break up attempts were futile until then.  I had the sense back then to pull back and avoid the meetup then (before I even knew the other existed)... .but there came a time later down the road, after their more legitimate breakup, where the guy admitted having to "ween her off" of him, which should've been a bigger clue to me to keep away.

but the self image is beyond distorted now, so the options seem dried up.  The horror I would endure if she knew I'd expect her to be like that if the self esteem wasn't so warped.  There was a time in my life where I thought that'd be one of the worst things I could go through (being cheated)... .that was before I felt trapped in my life as long as I had - never imagined this sort of scenario in a million years.

[Vexed]

I was thinking about this today and I think the answer they all will cheat, but don't be necessarily do.

For instance my ex, had 2 kids, no job, no real hobbies, and she was so caught up in being with me 24/7 she really had no opportunity to find another guy to cheat.  I do think she prob cheated on me with her ex husband which was bc he was the only guy around. If she was more social life like I know some of your guys BPD significant others are, there is no question in my mind she would be a habitual cheater, or even if she wasn't but just had a job where other men were around.

[Traumatized]

i think one BPD play that's often overlooked is what i call the breakup-2-hookup technique.

I think that's what just happened to me.  One month ago we had the most intimate night we'd ever shared.  It was beautiful!  However, earlier in the evening she mentioned that her ex, the same person who was at the center of our horrific breakup last year, had called and wanted to get together with her.  She was interested, but said I should be proud of her that she hadn't called him back (after their second round of phone tag).  I wish I had said, "Where do you want me to put the medal?"  I've told her in the past that if he ever comes back into the picture I will not stick around.

The next morning after our most fantastic night ever together, I had to get ready for work.  She coaxed me to stay in bed with her until noon, long past the time I should have been out the door.  Eventually I HAD to get up and leave and she was angry that I would not stay in bed with her the whole day.  Believe me I would have loved to stay in bed with her all day, but I had to make money to pay my rent which was due in a few days.  Before I left she asked me if I had stuck my tongue down her throat when she was asleep (wait... .what?).  Of course I had not and even the suggestion of it was ridiculous.  Here we go again I thought.

Later that day I received a nasty text from her saying that I was an abuser, essentially a rapist and that in the future I will have to pay her for any time we spend together.  She also threatened to punch me in the face and said that she told her mother and a mutual friend (who she can keep) about what had allegedly happened. 

Wonderful.

I never responded.  There was nothing I could say to that.  The whole thing was so absurd.  The next night she texted me again to officially say goodbye.  I haven't heard from her since and I've made no attempt whatsoever to contact her.  She owes me an apology and needs to retract her serious accusations.  Since she is unable to take responsibility for herself I doubt that will happen.

So my guess is that she has recycled her ex and is back in a relationship with him.  I don't think she'll come back to me until she's either done with him, needs something or wants to triangulate.  I am in a difficult position in that her birthday is coming up and I really want to acknowledge it.  In spite of all the sadistic things she's done to me over the past two years, I still love her and care about her deeply.  Yes I am trauma bonded.  Acknowledging her birthday would mean that I'd have to break no contact before she does which would give her all the power.  She would have the option to either ignore me or blast me... .either of which she knows would hurt me.  I am a lot stronger now than in the past breakups, but I still feel empty and alone as go through withdrawal.  I keep checking my phone hoping that she'll have called.

[goldylamont]

Traumatized that is really gross and sick behavior on your ex's behalf. while at the core of many BPD issues is abandonment, i think it's simply ingrained hate and spite mixed with self interest that can often drive their behavior. as desperate as she was for attention that day, most assuredly she wasn't alone for long after she started smearing you. and i'm willing to be the other guy didn't know anything about what went on either. terribly sorry you had to endure this.

and regarding her bday coming up--Traumatized i say you start rehearsing your NC **now**. do. not. do. it. seriously. in addition to everything you mentioned about giving her back the power to ignore or blast you again, contacting her is basically akin to giving support to an abuser. it's like saying you think she's right, and you are wrong, and you're sorry for trying to take advantage of her.  

remind yourself that the last thing this woman actually said to you was that you tried to rape her. she's accusing you of forced non-consensual sex. and from the looks of it the main reason was because she thinking about another man, ready to drop you whilst stringing him along the moment you didn't play exactly the game she wanted. start making a plan now. plan something fun and distracting for you to do, be around friends, take your cell phone battery out and leave the phone at home, tell whoever you will be with that day to never under any circumstance let you reach out to contact her.

tell you a funny story. a couple months after breaking up, i was out at a show with friends and i had started dating this girl. just having fun, she was nice, very sexual, honest and it was just fun for me honestly. anyways, while out with friends late that night i start texting this woman i was dating, but a good friend of mine saw me huddled over my phone i guess--all i remember was a hand coming over my shoulder, then wham! he knocked the phone out of my hands, ! i was like "what the hell?"  he was like "NO! YOU WILL NOT TEXT HER!" , he thought i was ex-texting. Nay-nay my friend i was sex-texting :-) we had a good laugh about it. he's really a good friend for that. and i think he'd made that mistake before with his ex and was looking out for me.

[slimmiller]

i think one BPD play that's often overlooked is what i call the breakup-2-hookup technique. i think many pwBPD don't want to 'cheat' technically, so they will up the abuse or manufacture a scene to cause the r/s to break up--with the intention of sleeping with someone else. then, when they have their fill they can resume/recycle the longer term r/s. this way, they can claim they weren't 'cheating'. but to me, the breakup-2-hookup is even worse, it's just as calculated and you have a heavy dose of abuse doled out to cause a 'break' in the first place. it's still sleeping around whilst hiding your motives... .it's perfect in a way since they can then blame the other person for pushing them away and causing them to sleep with someone else. extra free ammo to use at a later date.

Spot On! Mine had the replacement lined up, already met him and been physical with him. then and only then did she tell me she needs space that I need to sleep on the couch while she figured THINGS out.

You guessed it, within a few days she was with him and started sleeping with him. My stepson told his father later she cheated on me (I am like a father to the kid) She then begged me crying and wailing to tell my stepson "Please tell him I didnt cheat on you"

I seriously sat there with my mouth open thinking are you seriously kidding me... .

In her mind she never cheated even though she was still playing house with me

[Traumatized]

Goldylamont:  Thank you for your helpful suggestions.  I will try to be strong enough to implement them when the day comes.  I'm glad you had a friend who cared about you enough to try and stop you from what he thought you were doing.  My problem is that I don't have any friends to hang out with who could help distract me from her.  I made this woman the center of my universe and she was the only person I had been talking to on a regular basis.  As crazy as she is, I miss our conversations.  God help me if and when she comes back.  I am addicted to her and keep on taking her beatings for the few crumbs of "love" that she throws me.

Youcantfoolme:  I apologize for hijacking your thread.  I should have started one of my own for this.  In response to your original question, mine cheats and doesn't have it within her to be faithful to me or anybody.  She's a sex addict who has slept with over 5000 men and needs to have sex on a regular basis.  I am the total opposite. 

[Youcantfoolme]

Traumatized please don't apologize for "hijacking" my thread. I'm glad you were able to get out what you wanted to say! I feel terrible for your situation. It sounds to me like you're very much in the same boat my brother is with his BPD wife and also much like my own experience with my exUBPD boyfriend. Feeling isolated is a terrible feeling for anyone. When we broke up, I literally felt as if I had no one to turn on. I realized I depended on him to be my everything. I think that same isolation is what's driving you to want to contact her but I think you really need to be strong this time. Think of how awful you will feel if you are rejected or accused of anything again. I bet it will be a lot more awful than you may feel right now. The key for you, is to keep busy. You may feel as if you have no friends now but that's not to say you're incapable of making new friends in the near future. You need to do things to keep your mind of of her. If you have any hobbies, now is a good time to indulge in them. See if your local library offers any interesting classes or go to the gym or take a martial arts class. Ask co-workers if they'd like to go out for drinks or coffee after work. You have to put yourself out there. I know it's not easy. No breakups are. That's why they call it a broken heart but you must stop living your life for her and start living it for you.

[Traumatized]

Well I don't have to worry about the birthday dilemma.  She called me and went on and on about how much she loved me, missed me, and how I was more special to her than anyone else she'd ever met in her life.  She said she tried to replace me, but it just wasn't the same.  She didn't apologize for any of the horrible things she accused me of (no surprise there) and said she'd been so depressed from not having me in her life that she attempted suicide last night.  Before we hung up she mentioned that she was heading out to a bar.   

[hergestridge]

My xwife didn't cheat on me until far into our relationship as far afaik, but on the other hand our love always seemed to rely upon exclusiveness. It had to be just the two of us or a few close friends or she seemed to drift away from quite quickly. She had very weak boundaries and I was never comfortable bringing her to a party. She would most often get too carried away and be far too flattered when other guys hit on her (in fact she would either make a big deal out of it and rub it in my face, or worse - pretend like it hadn't happened).

Also she never stopped longing for that idealized state of "fun" that she imagined could only be obtained by going out with friends and drinking. Only she had no friends, but when she got the oportunity (usually through work) she would be the first go volunteer. She would never tell me when I could expect her home or how much she'd drink. I asked her if I could give her a ride home, but she insisted on taking a cab. She was very aggressive and protective about her "fun" (i e going out/drinking) and I would stay the ___ out of her business.

She once described me to one of her psychologists as "controlling" because I wanted (note: I *suggested*) to come and get her in the car instead of having her take a cab after a night out and they basically started investigating me as a possible wife beater.

I had this feeling all those years that something wasn't quite right and my gut feeling proved to be right. She always accused me of never committing. I wish I had realized that it was all projection. Whenever she turned her back on me she didn't want to be bothered by my existance.

I was worried sick when she left the house because I know that our relationship basically ended there and then (due to her lack of object permanence propably) and I always knew that it was very wrong, but I thought it something that would get better with time... .

[refusetosuccumb]

Mine did.

I only caught him 15yrs into our marriage.  Before that, I can't confirm but he was always very flirting with women and I hated that, especially when he did it in front of me.  Then I was "controlling" and "frigid" .

At year 15, I had pretty much had it with our marriage and was pulling away.  He abruptly moved out last March.  He said he found a "roommate" to live with.  Turned out to be his girlfriend.  Their relationship turned sour, I made him move in with his mom for a bit while we tried again (stupid!)  I allowed him to move back in in August of last year.  In March of this year, something was telling me he was cheating on me.  He left his Facebook account open and I saw at least 7 messages with him sexually bantering back and forth with 7 different women, trying to hook up with him. I called it quits.  He claims he never did anythign with them, but for me even trying to step outside the marriage, again, was not something I signed up for.

I was also called controlling.  He hated the fact that i expected him home on the weekends and not out partying.  We have 2 kids.  So if that's controlling, then yep I was.

If you asked me 5 years ago if he'd ever cheat on me, I'd say hell no.  Look where that got me.

But now I'm free and I don't give a crap about what he does.

[jollygreen]

BPD's live in the moment and reflect off of who they are around because they haven't developed an identity of themselves. They change when your not around them for a period of time. My ex had a ton of pictures to remind her of me I guess when i was gone. But another symptom is the 'self full filling prophecy' they believe you will leave/abandon them. So they mistreat their loved ones to see how far they can get them to the edge of leaving the relationship. Even sometimes as far as cheating. It's a punishing mechanism so they can say I knew he/she would leave me and didn't love me. Just one of many scenarios.

[Traumatized]

After all the talk last night about how much she loves me, how much she missed me, and how special I am to her, she has already blown me off!  We had plans for today and she didn't return any of my calls.

[Youcantfoolme]

Traumatized , please don't fall for that! It's the oldest trick in the BPD book. I believe there's a name for it. It seems she's keeping you on the back burner for when things don't work out for her elsewhere. Also she's trying to manipulate you so that she can still keep you under her control. I think you're better than that! Maybe its time to start going NC?

[Traumatized]

I was no contact with her for the past month, which was my longest time ever.  Now that she knows I'm still on the hook, she can do whatever she wants because she knows I'll be there for her.  You're right, I am better then that.  I deserve better then that.  Like you said before, I need to start living life for myself.  I need to stop letting my whole world revolve around her. 

[LilHurt420]

my uBPDh (though we weren't married at the time) cheated on me non stop for the first 7 years of our relationship.  the signs were all staring me in the face, but other than the 2 times I caught him I for some reason refused to believe what was really going on (kinda like now).

his cheating even led to him having a child outside of us, that I didn't find out about until right after we were married.  he claims to be faithful now, but certain things he does that he was doing before (like staying out till 6am) make me question that.

what "stopped" his cheating was me doing the same thing.  after 7 years of begging him to be home and love me and him ignoring me... .I went for some attention else where and cheated on him once.  he claimed that was a wake up call, but I pay for it every single day now.