My adult son denies his diagnosis

[hope61]

So, I have been reading everything I can get my hands on to try to learn more about BPD and how I can change the way I communicate with my son.  He spent 4 months at Menninger in Houston after being diagnosed with BPD, but never fully engaged himself in the treatment.  Since then, he has been seeing a therapist locally (in Washington state) who supposedly is trained in DBT.  He has actually gotten worse since his return home, and now denies he has BPD or any traits of BPD.  So, he's not buying into the techniques that can actually help him deal with his emotional dysregulation, and believes that all he needs is to go back to school and finish his degree that he has started 5 other semesters and failed to complete.  He tells me that if he can't go back to school full time, he's going to join the Israeli military, because he doesn't want to live if he has to live the life he's living right now (which is working at a job that he feels is way below his level of intelligence).  He tells me every time I talk to him that he doesn't want to live.  So, how do I use the methods of DBT if he isn't even willing to admit to his diagnosis?  I can't even talk to him, at this point, because no matter what I say, or try to validate, he becomes angry.  I have never felt this hopeless about his prognosis with this disorder, and every day I think I'm going to find him dead.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[emafia11]

Please dont give up, I too have a son who doesnt want to fully commit to having this illness.  I too worry I will find him dead one day and it is terrifying.  You are NOT alone, this message board has help me realize that.

Keep using all the techniques you have read about and dont stop trying, if he gets angry, walk away and try again later.

This illness affects us parents horribly but if he doesnt have you who does he have? .  It can and will get better and please keep coming back to this message board for encouragment... !  

[jellibeans]

Dear hope

You will probably not find many on this board that have children/adults that agree with their dx... .that is really not important right now. Keep reading and keep practicing the skills. They will help you interact with your son.

I am not sure Iunderstand fully but it seems that your son really wants to go back to school. Is he trying to get you to support him in that decision? Is that why he is treatening to join the army? I am not sure I am understanding but this is rather a common behavior in my house... .do this for me or I will do that. Don't fall into that. Let him make the decisions and try and support him the best you can but don't do things out of fear.

Is your son under a doctors care? Is he on meds? Does he see a T? Hope is not really important that he agree with dx but does he see that wanting to be dead is probably not the best way to go through his life? Hang in there.

[Verbena]

My DD29 was diagnosed at age 18 with BPD.  She agreed with the diagnosis at the time, read a little bit of Stop Walking on Eggshells, and may have read about BPD online some.  Over the years, she re-wrote history and now says (as of last summer) that she only agreed with the diagnosis bc I told her if she didn't, I would kick her out of the house.  That did not happen. 

Her husband says she does not have it, she says she does not have it, and I vowed a year ago, after several months of pure hell,  never to bring it up again.  I read on here all the time stories that involve BPD being discussed with other family members and with the pwBPD themselves, and it just strikes me as so strange bc it has never been that way with my DD.  Well, I did discuss her BPD behavior with her now former best friend, which is what started the biggest blow-up/drama to date. 

My DD's stance on that is that her friend is evil and told me a bunch of lies about DD's behavior.  Even if everything the friend discussed with me was a flat-out lie (and it wasn't), I had enough concerns of my own that had nothing to do with the friend.  I had concerns long before my DD or I even knew this friend.  I tried to explain that but it made no difference.  DD still to this day brings up on a fairly regular basis the friend's name and how evil she is.  I refuse to engage in these conversations, but I am fairly certain my DD sees my silence as agreement. 

The newest re-write of history is that DD refers to herself as a "bad" teenager (just typical teenage stuff) that ended once she moved out of her teens.  Everything from age 20 to the present never happened.  DD is a high-functioning BPD and is doing much better as far as I know, but she continues to have black and white thinking, cycle through friends, and change the facts to fit her feelings.  She also continues to make absolutely everything all about her. 

[MammaMia]

Hope

You have so much company.  Our adult BPD children are immeasurably harder to deal with than younger kids and/or spouses, in my opinion.

Yes, they are self-destructive.  They destroy their lives (and ours) and still claim not to be disordered.  Everything negative that they bring on themselves is blamed on someone else.  Their bad choices always relate back to us, and nothing we ever do is right.  Treatment to them (for a disorder they DO NOT have) is a parent or parents just trying to make them feel worse about themselves than they already do in order to gain control over their lives. They are not sick... .we are.  This is typical.

They often talk about suicide because WE have ruined THEIR lives. Their self-esteem is zero and they are hateful and suspicious about anything positive. Sadly, these kids are not just "troubled" they are seriously mentally ill. 

While everyone is different, the signs and symptoms of BPD are the same, no matter where or how they were raised or the environmental factors involved.  Genetics plays a huge role in BPD as does trauma (real or imagined). Bpd is a brain disorder.

We all have days when we feel things are totally out-of-control hopeless.  PwBPD can wear anyone down.  This is the hardest job we will ever have, and in all likelihood, our kids will never understand the trauma we have been through.

Stay strong.  We understand exactly how you feel.  There are ways to deal with BPD and this site is an excellent resource.  We provide knowledge and compassion.  We vent and we listen.  It feels so good!  People who do not understand BPD do not want to hear about it.  We do.

So glad you are here.  Thank you for joining us.

[pessim-optimist]

hello, hope61 and emafia11

Welcome to the Parenting board! I don't know if there is a worse worry than worry about a child's safety and life... . 

Once the child is an adult, we can only support them the best way possible, and the rest is up to them. No matter how much we would want to make it all better for them, we can only create the environment and opportunities. There is a really good video (two parts), though on how we can help our loved one to get help. It helped explain to me why persons w/BPD are often resistant to treatment and helped me to see things from the perspective of the person w/BPD. Here are the links for it, I hope it helps you as well:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdVj8gXsETs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppculi-Os2g

Also, learning the communication tools and techniques is helpful whether they accept therapy or not.

Please hang in there, and let us know how we can best support you, ok?

[hope61]

Thank you to all of you who responded to my post.  I just got a chance tonight to read the replies.  My husband just told our son that we will not pay for any more school, although we just paid him a fairly good sum of money for working for us this summer.  He said "f--- you" and stormed out.  We have been waiting for this to happen.  I'm very afraid of what he will do next.

[Rapt Reader]

Oh, hopeful61... .I'm so sorry that you are in this situation; it's terrible when we see our children self-destruct right before our very eyes, and feel like there's nothing we can do. We've all been there, and I'm so happy you can at least read the information on this site (besides the other member stories, make sure you check out each of the links to the right-hand side of this page) to help you get through it. I hope your son is back home by now, and safe... .

When I first found this site, my adult (37) son had just been diagnosed with BPD at a Dual Diagnosis Center and discharged after that 21-day Intensive In-Patient Program. I was very afraid of what to do next--he'd had a serious Suicidal Ideation and a multi-year Heroin addiction right before being admitted--and though he was clean & sober and doing better at that point, I knew (and could see) that if something at home didn't change, he would relapse.

Learning what I did on this site (all the communication tools & techniques, and all the other educational information), I was able to deal with him in a way that didn't push all of his buttons, and help him in his recovery. He is now more than 17 months clean and sober, and the happiest and healthiest he has been since he was a kid... .Please hang in there, hope61, and keep posting your story and questions, and reading all you can. Keep us updated, OK? We are here to help you deal with this   

[HealingSpirit]

... .he has been seeing a therapist locally (in Washington state) who supposedly is trained in DBT.  He has actually gotten worse since his return home, and now denies he has BPD or any traits of BPD.  So, he's not buying into the techniques that can actually help him deal with his emotional dysregulation, and believes that all he needs is to go back to school and finish his degree that he has started 5 other semesters and failed to complete.

I have heard this a lot on this site.  It seems to be a common problem with BPD or any type of PD.  They think the problem is everybody else.  I just read that part of BPD is in the inability to solve problems.  I've definitely seen this in my DD17.  Like your DS, she has big plans for her life, but she has NO CLUE how to go about carrying them out step by step.  (Like passing all the classes in a single semester.)

He tells me that if he can't go back to school full time, he's going to join the Israeli military, because he doesn't want to live if he has to live the life he's living right now (which is working at a job that he feels is way below his level of intelligence).

I think Jellibeans gave you good advice about this threat.   But, I'd also like to share something my father told me... .  He was drafted into the Army right out of HS. (Korean War era.) He said it was the best thing that happened to him because they straightened him right out.  Before he was drafted, he was a directionless teenager.  When he got out, he went straight through school and became a dentist.  I don't know what the answer is for your son.  But it may not look like anything you have hoped for him his whole life.  I think all us parents deal with the disappointment of lost dreams for our BPD kids.  And I don't blame you for not wanting to invest in another semester until he gets more help.

He tells me every time I talk to him that he doesn't want to live.  So, how do I use the methods of DBT if he isn't even willing to admit to his diagnosis?  I can't even talk to him, at this point, because no matter what I say, or try to validate, he becomes angry.

  You can't control your DS's reaction, but you CAN control your own.  I'm trying to make this my new mantra.  I hear how hurt and scared you are!  You are not alone, Hope61.  What can YOU do to help soothe yourself about this?

My DD29 was diagnosed at age 18 with BPD.  She agreed with the diagnosis at the time, read a little bit of Stop Walking on Eggshells, and may have read about BPD online some.  Over the years, she re-wrote history and now says (as of last summer) that she only agreed with the diagnosis bc I told her if she didn't, I would kick her out of the house.  That did not happen. 

Welcome Verbena,

I just had a similar experience to yours.  My DD knew about her dx when she was hospitalized for cutting back in May.  She told the intake doctor that she has BPD when he interviewed her.  She had already been using a DBT workbook her T gave her and HE has discussed her BPD with all of us individually.  So, 2 days ago, my DD17 said she doesn't have BPD.  Why did I think she has BPD?  She said her T doesn't think so, the doctors at the hospital didn't think so, and my DH doesn't think so.  Then, I overheard her telling her BF that I had "diagnosed her with BPD" myself using Web.MD.    UGH!  The sudden shifts in reality are mind boggling and crazy making!

It helped explain to me why persons w/BPD are often resistant to treatment and helped me to see things from the perspective of the person w/BPD. Here are the links for it, I hope it helps you as well:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdVj8gXsETs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppculi-Os2g

Dear Pessim-optimist,

You always have such great wisdom to share!  I haven't seen these videos yet.  I can't wait to watch them! 

 to everyone in this thread!