His Grandma passed and he didn't tell

[calmboom]

Hi everyone.

What a tough couple of days it has been.   After lengthy ST, my uBPD BF of 6 years returned to work on house project he started at my home.  He arrived cold, curt, and distant, all business.  Refused my welcoming request for a hug.  I felt "all black".  He did not want to talk, only attend to the project so I gave wide berth staying out of his sight.  After a few minutes he got frustrated that a 38 cent piece was broken and wanted to pay me to have the project finished so he could leave.  Soon, with some coaxing on my part, he calmed down and continued to work.

At lunch time I offered some food and he replied that I didn't need to do anything for him.  I simply offered that it was available and later he came to partake and said thanks.  We spoke feebly inquiring about each others families.  He revealed that his grandmother, (who he and I had visited months earlier) had passed away a few weeks ago!  I felt so hurt that I was not told. For 6 years I have been part of this family.  I started to cry and he left the table.

Later he apologized that maybe he should have let me know about his grandmother.  He said I was a fantastic lady and he admired all my qualities.  That the highs were high but the lows were low and that he just couldn't figure out why there were times of deep lows.     He said he was done with the toxic r/s.

He continued to work and upon leaving I said can I give a hug goodbye.  He screamed NO TOUCHING, as if I was offering to pour acid on him.   He left saying he would return the next day.

Of course he didn't.  He responded to my call with excuses about being busy and having a family dinner obligation.  He is convinced that I raged at him, swore at him, and that the lows are all my fault for being so needy.  (If you knew me you would know how ridiculous these accusations are.)  Sounds like it is over and "its all my fault".   He agreed to talk about a r/s closure in the future for my sake but is maintaining that it probably won't change his mind because "he bears the brunt of all the hurt". (the sole victim).

I am so sad.

[calmboom]

Note: The dysregulation which spawned the silent treatment occurred a day after he talked of marriage.  Now he sounds totally done.   This is tough for me to wrap my head around.  My heart is broken.

[patientandclear]

Calmboom: of course you are sad. That is wrenching and must be so hard to wrap your mind around.

There are a lot of textbook BPD crisis elements here: he had just been contemplating an engulfing move (marriage). He believes you hurt him. He feels this sad situation and the possible loss of the r/s is something you did to him. Touching is too scary and intimate.  You're great and he's not sure why he has to go, but he does.

My breakup had all those elements too. All very common and none of them make rational sense.

For what it's worth, it's quite possible that if you give him space and keep periodically briefly pinging him with warm, concise, affirming messages that you're still here and not leaving, he will swing back toward you.

Obviously something upset him greatly, something invisible to you and that you could not have anticipated. It may take a long while for the dysregulation he experienced to subside.  If you can hold off on any big conclusions about the status of the r/ship, it may shift again for him.

A separate question is whether you can tolerate a r/ship where this happens regularly and for increasing periods, without him gaining any insight. Just because he might not leave this here doesn't mean it works for you.

Hugs. This is super hard.