Pushing my limits with custody

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi Family,

So, I have full custody as a temporary measure.

My lawyer advised me to let him have a few extra days here and there, because if I look too rigid, my xhwBPD can use this against me later on.

Also, I'm not really a "rigid" person. I mean, I don't mind being flexible and letting the little one and the ex have some additional time together on vacation or holidays or something, even if the judge says I don't necessarily have to.

I do still care about his feelings, as a human being, and as a father, but what I can't stand is his CONSTANTLY trying to push me to give more and more and more.

I HATE that I have to be so stern with setting boundaries. He just doesn't get it. I don't even HAVE to let him see the kid, but I'm being NICE.

If I tell him to have the little one back by 6, he says he'll be back by 7.

And I have to JUSTIFY every boundary I set. I have to explain bath time and bed time and mommy time over and over and over again. He has no respect for the little one's needs, or the routine, or just my authority as a mother who - let's face it - has FULL custody and knows our child better than he ever will.

I am so, SO tired.

Any advice would be a big help. I've decided to stop justifying my decision and telling him, basically, that it's my way or no way. I'd done explaining every little decision to him over and over, as if he knows our child better with his limited visitation and I don't have a clue with full custody.

I seriously, seriously hate this d/o. It's so, SO draining.

[MommaBear]

Hi Family,

So, I have full custody as a temporary measure.

My lawyer advised me to let him have a few extra days here and there, because if I look too rigid, my xhwBPD can use this against me later on.

Also, I'm not really a "rigid" person. I mean, I don't mind being flexible and letting the little one and the ex have some additional time together on vacation or holidays or something, even if the judge says I don't necessarily have to.

I do still care about his feelings, as a human being, and as a father, but what I can't stand is his CONSTANTLY trying to push me to give more and more and more.

I HATE that I have to be so stern with setting boundaries. He just doesn't get it. I don't even HAVE to let him see the kid, but I'm being NICE.

If I tell him to have the little one back by 6, he says he'll be back by 7.

And I have to JUSTIFY every boundary I set. I have to explain bath time and bed time and mommy time over and over and over again. He has no respect for the little one's needs, or the routine, or just my authority as a mother who - let's face it - has FULL custody and knows our child better than he ever will.

I am so, SO tired.

Any advice would be a big help. I've decided to stop justifying my decision and telling him, basically, that it's my way or no way. I'd done explaining every little decision to him over and over, as if he knows our child better with his limited visitation and I don't have a clue with full custody.

I seriously, seriously hate this d/o. It's so, SO draining.

[Matt]

How are you communicating with him - by e-mail, or text, or phone?

What are your boundaries?  For example, what boundary do you have for the child being returned on time?

Can you set up a regular schedule that you believe is best for the child and practical for both parents?

I think the ball is in your court.  Right now it's probably working pretty well for your ex, so you're the one with the problem... .

[takingandsending]

Hello MommaBear. In line with what Matt said, take the extra time to document all of your communications. In the courts, those records count. As much as possible, communicate via e-mail or text, and save your records. Even if he calls, send a text back restating his request in writing with a request for concurrence to make it a clear record. You already have full custody  . But, you can have your boundaries, not be inflexible and prove it with record of all his requests to change the agreements made. Good luck.

[ForeverDad]

And I have to JUSTIFY every boundary I set... .I've decided to stop justifying my decision and telling him, basically, that it's my way or no way. I'd done explaining every little decision to him over and over, as if he knows our child better with his limited visitation and I don't have a clue with full custody.

I've sometimes said, you can't reason with unreason.  He's not listening, at least not to you.  The closer the relationship, the more the emotional baggage gets in the way.  Just stick to your boundary, don't engage him.  As some have noted, negative engagement is still engagement.

For example if you say be back by 6 and he says 7, then you can state, You do that and your next visit will be cancelled (or whatever that doesn't violate the order).  You do have leverage, within reason.

[momtara]

How much is this extra time?  You don't want to set a precedent.  There is a difference between giving a few hours and giving a few days... .

[Matt]

For example if you say be back by 6 and he says 7, then you can state, You do that and your next visit will be cancelled (or whatever that doesn't violate the order).  You do have leverage, within reason.

Yeah, and I think this is a key issue - how to handle this so you are being reasonable but not enabling more and more bad behavior.

E-mail will help because it leaves a record, so you can show that the timing for each visit was worked out very clearly between you, and he didn't do what he was supposed to.

You also might consider where the exchanges take place - whether he picks up the child at your place or whether you drop the child off at his place, or whether you meet at a neutral place.  For me what works best is to do all the driving - I drop the kids off at their mom's home, and pick them up there - because that way I can make sure the drop-off is at the right time.

Another thing I have found helpful is to communicate by saying what I will do, and then doing it.  Not telling her what she should do, or asking her questions - those are both ways we talk with many people but with my BPD ex those don't work.  So I say, "I will drop the kids off at noon Saturday and pick them up noon Sunday.", and then I do exactly that.  Not fool-proof but it works better than anything else I've tried.

As FD suggests, ultimately there has to be a boundary, and you can state that in the most positive way:  "If you want to have time with Child on Saturday, that will work between noon and 4:00 p.m. as we agreed.  I will drop him off at noon at your home, and pick him up at 4:00 p.m.  If this works we can make similar arrangements in the future so you can have regular time with him."  Then if it doesn't work - say, he isn't home when you come to pick up the child at 4:00 - you have a few choices... .

If you can reach him by phone, and he tells you he'll be there in five minutes, you can be patient.  If he isn't home and doesn't pick up his phone, it might be time to call your lawyer or the police, and just report what happened - don't exaggerate - and ask that they try to find him.  I've only done this once - not with the kids' mother but with another adult who took one of my kids when he was little and didn't tell me - and the officer came, and together we found my son - he was safe with a friend's mother - and both the officer and I let her know what we thought of what she had done, and I think she will probably remember that and never do it again.  If something like that happened with your ex, and if you keep your cool so you don't look too extreme, it may help him understand that 4:00 means 4:00.

Finally, you have the option to suspend contact.  I would do that only after careful thought, and communicate it by e-mail.

"The visit Saturday did not go as planned.  I dropped Child off at your home at noon as I said I would, but when I came back at 4:00, as we had agreed, you and Child weren't there, and when I called you, you didn't pick up.  So I had to call the police to help me find Child - not how these visits should go.  I am still open to Child seeing you regularly, but we need to work this out through the court, and see if supervision will be an option so we don't have more problems like we did Saturday.  Please have your lawyer contact my lawyer (attorney's name and phone number) to discuss how this can be worked out."

[scraps66]

My opinion, I would not entertain the extra time which is outside what the Order states.  Also curious as to why an attorney would give that advice.  It's simple, once to crack the integrity o the Order, have him back by 6, no 7, then that becomes the item for debate between you and the BP.  JUST what a BP wants, something to argue about.  If you follow the Order to the letter, it eliminates the opportunity for these instances of disagreement.  Also, giving extra time does set a precedent going forward which could be used against you. 

[livednlearned]

My opinion, I would not entertain the extra time which is outside what the Order states.  Also curious as to why an attorney would give that advice.  It's simple, once to crack the integrity o the Order, have him back by 6, no 7, then that becomes the item for debate between you and the BP.  JUST what a BP wants, something to argue about.  If you follow the Order to the letter, it eliminates the opportunity for these instances of disagreement.  Also, giving extra time does set a precedent going forward which could be used against you. 

I was wondering the same thing. My lawyer told me to not deviate from the order unless it was for something significant. If your argument for having more custody is that the other parent has issues, and then you freely give that parent more time with the child, it undermines your argument.

I can't imagine any judge is going to find you "rigid" for following the court order.

Do you think your attorney has experience with BPD? This sounds a little bit like cookie cutter custody advice to me... .