I can't identify old childhood wounds

[Caredverymuch]

The paradox is profound. She always wanted a ring and marriage. She would pressure me and literally beg me to marry her. When I finally offer her the ring, she calls the police and files a restraining order on me. As mentioned in a previous response, once painted black, you are perceived as threatening. My foundation has been shaken to the very core.

It's so very difficult to hear this, especially when we want nothing more than to be with the person we love, and when I was in the deepest heart aching pain I absolutely did not believe this to be true. But it's for the best that things didn't work out. In fact, my t said to me at the end of my final session, "I'm so sorry that you've been so deeply hurt by this relationship. But I'm so glad you are not still in it. One day you will be too."  And, I am glad. I will always carry pain in my heart because I loved my expBPD very much, despite the disorder. But the pain lessens. I never imagined it could. But it does. The drama, the chaos, the emotionally draining and confusing cycling, the splitting, those things don't change. In fact, I think they got worse as time went on.  Keep positing and reading here. I recommend reading as much as you can from 2010. Those posts are incredibly insightful and helped me tremendously to understand so much. I hope tomorrow and every day is a better one for you than the day before.

[swimjim]

Thank you caredverymuch, lucky Jim and Blim for your responses. I am digging deep into myself to understand my own pain and trying to figure out why I cant let go. I used to think that if I knew DEFINITELY she was diagnosed with BPD, it may give me some peace of mind that no matter what I did to please her, it would end up never being good enough. BUT, since they most likely are not diagnosed, we have to THEORIZE that they have some disorder in order to rationalize something that is irrational. I get stuck every day finding myself trying to rationalize something that is irrational. Thank God for this site.

[antjs]

The paradox is profound. She always wanted a ring and marriage. She would pressure me and literally beg me to marry her. When I finally offer her the ring, she calls the police and files a restraining order on me. As mentioned in a previous response, once painted black, you are perceived as threatening. My foundation has been shaken to the very core.

It's so very difficult to hear this, especially when we want nothing more than to be with the person we love, and when I was in the deepest heart aching pain I absolutely did not believe this to be true. But it's for the best that things didn't work out. In fact, my t said to me at the end of my final session, "I'm so sorry that you've been so deeply hurt by this relationship. But I'm so glad you are not still in it. One day you will be too."  And, I am glad. I will always carry pain in my heart because I loved my expBPD very much, despite the disorder. But the pain lessens. I never imagined it could. But it does. The drama, the chaos, the emotionally draining and confusing cycling, the splitting, those things don't change. In fact, I think they got worse as time went on.  Keep positing and reading here. I recommend reading as much as you can from 2010. Those posts are incredibly insightful and helped me tremendously to understand so much. I hope tomorrow and every day is a better one for you than the day before.

The hardest part is when you realize that the person you loved is not true. She is just a mirror. If she is theoretically treated then she will not be the samd person you have known during the idealization phase. Its like tyler durden from fight club. Remember this. Its hard to absorb but there is a lot of liberation in understanding this.


If you are going through hell keep going. A better place is waiting for us all. Thanks to God i am in a better place.

Be kind to yourself. AJ

[antjs]

Thank you caredverymuch, lucky Jim and Blim for your responses. I am digging deep into myself to understand my own pain and trying to figure out why I cant let go. I used to think that if I knew DEFINITELY she was diagnosed with BPD, it may give me some peace of mind that no matter what I did to please her, it would end up never being good enough. BUT, since they most likely are not diagnosed, we have to THEORIZE that they have some disorder in order to rationalize something that is irrational. I get stuck every day finding myself trying to rationalize something that is irrational. Thank God for this site.

I am sorry that you are feeling uncertain. Yes it drives you crazy not to be sure about their diagnosis. Most of us were in this situation. I assure you it keeps you stuck.

To keep it simple. You were at least in an abusive relationship and thats why you are here. Definitely there was somdthing wrong that you have wondered and googled until you arrived here. Dropping all labels, your ex's attitude was not good or acceptable. There was abuse. Maybe some people think that BPD is incurable (i think so and my therapist told me that dbt is used as a control not a cure)  but still even non BPD abusive people find it hard to change. Once abusive always abusive. Change is hard. Have faith and confidence that you will find someone way better.


Be kind to yourself. AJ.

[swimjim]

Thank you antony_james. While I struggle to figure her out and figure me out, she is off looking happy in life with my replacement. For those that married your exBPD, how is it that they made it to the alter to marry if they have attachment (engulfment issues). Also, if you got the feeling that marriage was going to give them eternal happiness, how long into the marriage before the devaluing started?

[Caredverymuch]

Thank you antony_james. While I struggle to figure her out and figure me out, she is off looking happy in life with my replacement. For those that married your exBPD, how is it that they made it to the alter to marry if they have attachment (engulfment issues). Also, if you got the feeling that marriage was going to give them eternal happiness, how long into the marriage before the devaluing started?

I cant answer this as we weren't married. And I have often wondered the same. I would suggest you take a look at the number of people on the staying or undecided board to validate that marriage in no way makes them get " better" or is better.  The idealization phase never fully returns. My understanding of a somewhat safe marriage partner for a pBPD is a NPD because they both have attachment issues.  Therefore its a continual dance with no engulfment or true intimacy.  Perhaps that is just my limited understanding.  Your ex is perhaps in the mirroring/idealization phase, but the cycle will continue, as you have experienced. When the splitting begins in that r/s you may be recycled or sourced for a bit of supply. If you truly want to stay out of that r/s and heal, read the many comments on the boards from those who've been through this and involved longer than you had.  It may answer some of your questions you struggle with. It has helped me tremendously to gain understanding. 

[antjs]

Thank you antony_james. While I struggle to figure her out and figure me out, she is off looking happy in life with my replacement. For those that married your exBPD, how is it that they made it to the alter to marry if they have attachment (engulfment issues). Also, if you got the feeling that marriage was going to give them eternal happiness, how long into the marriage before the devaluing started?

Remember that BPD is a spectrum. There are high functioning and low functioning BPDs. I tend to believe that asking for marriage is a way to avoid fear of abandonment then some time after marriage they feel that they are going to be stuck sith you and the fear of engulfment kicks in. Thats why it is called a toxic dance. Push and pull. Remdmbed that there is nothing that you can do that can satisfy them.

[Cimbaruns]

Swimjim

I think for me... .as I look at things now... .I was totally attached/enmeshed in the r/s for 3 years... .back and forth... .breakups etc... .I always went back... .

We reached a point where we decided to marry... .I think for the both of us it was pure fantasy... .but... .for very different reasons!

I feel as I look back at it now... it was a way that I thought would fix or stabilize what we had... .and "our" commitment if you will would be "true" ... .

I think for her it was pure fantasy... .the rings... .the beach... .the clothes we wore... .the dinner we shared after... .the honeymoon (albeit only a few days)... .all fantasy for her... .something she never shared with someone before... .

I will say that devaluation (although already surfacing) began very shortly afterwards... .I even think as soon as we returned to our lives at home!

I look at all of this now and it enables me to revisit... .digest... .feel it... .and wonder just my role was in all of that... .what was I looking for?... .what was being married to her giving me?

It's only a small part in my introspection into MYSELF... .And who I truly am... .

I've let go of her... .I think... .for the most part... .it's all about starting where I am right here and right now... .it's kicked my A-- but I'm determined to get to that place where I can understand just what "I " am all about

[swimjim]

Thank you antony_james. While I struggle to figure her out and figure me out, she is off looking happy in life with my replacement. For those that married your exBPD, how is it that they made it to the alter to marry if they have attachment (engulfment issues). Also, if you got the feeling that marriage was going to give them eternal happiness, how long into the marriage before the devaluing started?

Sad but so very true. For those that stayed married for years, is it because the borderlines spouse was a compliant appeaser (doormat) and did not define boundaries and stand up for himself?

Remember that BPD is a spectrum. There are high functioning and low functioning BPDs. I tend to believe that asking for marriage is a way to avoid fear of abandonment then some time after marriage they feel that they are going to be stuck sith you and the fear of engulfment kicks in. Thats why it is called a toxic dance. Push and pull. Remdmbed that there is nothing that you can do that can satisfy them.

[Changingman]

The paradox is profound. She always wanted a ring and marriage. She would pressure me and literally beg me to marry her. When I finally offer her the ring, she calls the police and files a restraining order on me. As mentioned in a previous response, once painted black, you are perceived as threatening. My foundation has been shaken to the very core.

I know this sounds crazy but it is a gift. lean into this pain it will guide you to your real self trapped deep down in the darkest pits of your shadow waiting for you. surrender.

Yes to this,

Yes this is so obvious, while trying to hurt us, they inadvertently show us the way. Wow!

They have infected an old wound, feel where it is. Only the True Self can feel!

[Changingman]

'Lean into this pain it will guide you to your real self'

Wow, this is true.

I have been doing this without realising it, emotional pain is the nerve endings of the spirit, guiding us like a beacon. Like physical pain guiding us to the area of the body in distress.

[londonD]

As a child I had to fight for love from my father after my younger brother was born. I felt like I was ditched and replaced. I looked up to him so much!

I fought for his love, I moved in with him when I was 14 and my parents divorced. I have spoken of this many times but just shrugged it off. My father is a narcissist and sadly I have traits myself.

My exBPDw and I broke up two months ago, we have a two year old son.

She is currently dating two men, trying to see which one she wants as a replacement for me. She is ditching our child to travel 30 miles to have sex with these men, arriving at their homes at 9pm and leaving at 6am. This is absolutely killing me, its ruining my life that she can move on so quickly after me, it makes me feel unloved and like our relationship meant nothing to her. It's all validation for her so she feels desirable.

I wake up at 4.30am and I cant sleep thinking about the hurt and I trowel this site all day.

I know we are toxic, I know she has BPD, I know it will never work and I know I'm better off without her yet THE REJECTION IS KILLING ME, I FEEL UNLOVED AND THIS IS ALL BECAUSE OF THE REJECTION FROM MY FATHER AS A CHILD.

I have no idea how to get over this and move on