Is there a light at the end of this process?

[Landslide2014]

I've been away from the boards for awhile. I am reaching out because I feel completely insane some days. After years of marriage programs, couples therapy, attempt at an in home separation, the proposal and eventual agreement to a therapeutic separtion (followed once again by non compliance), meeting with a mediator and agreeing to a memo of understanding (non compliance) I am left with the last straw... .Divorce attorney. I retained.  He dodged the server for two days. Then agreed to pick up the papers willfully, on his own. Didn't do it. Surprise. Not that I really expect action. I'm finally accepting the truth.  I've been blinded for years. Bpd was finally successfully served ( had to be tricky).  His texts, calls, blame are hard to tolerate. He will not move out. He retained his own L. We have 4 children s19, d18, d15, s7. They are too often used as his pawns. My skin is crawling being in the same house with him. I try to be here when he's not and leave when he's here. I have blocked his texts and phone calls. Tired of the clever, controlling, manipulative wording. I have support, and a T. However, I feel I need more reassurance, pearls of wisdom... .Hope.  Advice.  I don't know what to expect next and would like to retain and restore my sanity on a full time basis. Please help.  I screaming under water.

[Landslide2014]

I forgot to mention that my text messages have been compromised, meaning he is somehow reading them.  He has access to my email and is reading that. (Very strange but he left his email account open one day and I was floored to see all of my emails on his account?) He "stole" my bag of legal papers... .Divorce info, medical papers, financial outtake, he took money out of my wallet, as well as confiscated without a word, the. cash surplus that I keep in my room, and then he put a lock on "his" door. Which is our former shared room which still has stuff of mine in it. He has followed me on 3 occasions that I know of... .Once over 120 miles. Creeper. And I think I failed to mention it all because at this point, it all seams trivial compared with my desperate desire for feeling safe and secure again.  Either that or I'm still in some form of denial.

[SeekerofTruth]

The biggest thing for me is self-care behaviors.  I let mine erode.  Exercise.  Nutrition.  Sleep. 

In terms of safety... .that's the thing... .usually the pd is 3 steps ahead, playing for keeps, playing unfair, yada yada.

In the interactions :  short and sweet.  nice and sweet.  bill eddy talks with emphasis about that in his book.  Not that I did much of any of things I just mentioned.  Hopefully, you have a solid L... .as an ace in the hole.  I know, wishful thinking.

[Landslide2014]

Thank you. You know, I actually have stepped up at least 2 of the 3 factors you mentioned... .Nutrition... .Clean stuff in, and exercise. It feels like survival to me. I am trying to just breath in the moment and  put the next foot in front of the other. Some moments are better than others. The jury is still out on the L. I can only pray that I am in the right hands.  I still can't believe that it is me in this situation. Sometimes I feel so distanced like I am on the outside looking in. Numb.  Anxious. Afraid.  (Did I just say afraid?)

[ForeverDad]

It sounds like he has deep access to your accounts.  Are you using computers that he has access to?  He may have keyloggers or other spyware on them.  Unfortunately, if he has physical or electronic access to your computer(s) then even if you clean or wipe your computers he could just compromise them again.

I'm not sure how he's duplicating your emails.  Surely he has access to your passwords, I guess he could download them to his account or storage.  Do you have a trusted friend or family member who can scrutinize your account information and figure out if he's put back doors into the accounts?  Changing your password may not be enough if he has backup notifications going to his accounts.  You may need to establish new accounts and backup accounts when on safe computers.  Remember, any account, computer or location he has access to is not safe.

Link: Board FAQs

Once there, click on the link, "Could I be found out?"

Sadly, he feels entitled, probably wants to stay in control, has no qualms about breaking into your privacy and nothing is too low for him.

[AlonelyOne]

If he has access to your email user/password, he can simply "POP3" them and it will pull copies of all your emails into his email software.

You need to use a separate computer, and change all your passwords.

[Landslide2014]

Omg. This is really insanity. There is no way he could have my passwords. However, some very strange things have happened... .One is... .I sent a group text and his "alias" Facebook account, (said he didn't have one but it was him alright) attached on to the message of one of the receivers. When she explored the account my cell phone # was the one linked to his. Facebook.  I found no record of this account when I searched for it on my own. So I wondered if my texts were going to this account with the made up name.  Also, I logged into my new email account that I did not inform anyone about except my attorney and there were emails in there from him?  Do I have any legal or mental health recourse regarding this behaviour?  Found out?  What the f#*% is he looking to find?  I think I'm going to create a black out for all social media and just abstain for awhile. I can't think of anything else. Should I be frightened?  Because I am all to often for a brave girl and I don't know if I'm just magnifying it.

[ForeverDad]

Is he computer savvy?  Do you ever log onto your emails on computers he has used or has/had access to?  Then assume those accounts and computers are compromised.  It sure sounds like it.  I suspect keyloggers or other spyware have been secretly installed without your knowledge.

If you can be sure he won't have access to your computer in the future then you can archive your photos and other documents, format the drive, reinstall all your programs and change your passwords.  If you're not sure how to do it, ask for help from friends who know computers.  If a work computer could be affected, seek help from the IT department.

If you can prove there's spyware there then you can have your lawyer file stalking or harassment motions?  You have every right to object.  Whether the court will do anything substantial, I don't know.  It may be hard to prove he did it.  He sounds like a slippery person who's used to avoiding consequences.

[Landslide2014]

Bingo to him being used to avoiding consequences. And yes, I have logged on to the computer he mostly uses. I rarely use it , but have. I mostly use my iphone and Ipad, however I have only recently been keeping them hidden, since I have witnessed what I never would have even considered.  Perhaps this was an earlier break in that I failed to acknowledge.  Apple said there was no way for this to happen, but I have since come to believe otherwise.  I know I am being tracked somehow. Way too many coincidences and then the black and white proof of my emails integrated with his. My denial is beginning to wane. I am just weighing how important it is to be electronically connected against being watched. (I cannot even believe I am having this conversation). There is a lot of convenience to texting, emails and a lot of help from this forum.  I wonder if I could just go the old fashioned route for a bit and have verbal. Might be worth it to speak out loud for a time.  Thank you for weighing in!  Nice to know someone can relate.

[whirlpoollife]

Landslide , reading your story gave me flashbacks  from a couple of years ago. You validated what I went though ( and believed  by only a few ). My x2bh knew every move of me.  I called the cell phone companies many times asking if he could read my texts, they insisted not but yet he knew everything.

I'm 99.9% he had a recorder going while he was a away because he knew what I had said in phone conversations. He knew my location at all times. He went though my stuff constantly. ( things went missing, and I took photos of before and after )

After filing for divorce, he stayed in the house ( five months)until he got a court order to move out. (With it  he had a list of what he would get in order to move out. Including custody times. The house is still in both names and I pay the mortgage. I had money invested in it but I would have walked away too. )

I was very afraid of h. I slept on the couch with important stuff under me and one eye open.

My advice ( much I learned here),  is to get a storage locker and move anything of importance to it. A PO Box for your own mail. Get a trac phone. Turn off your cell when you can or when you are out.  I gave the school the trac phone number for the emergency list if they needed to get a hold me for kids , and not to let h see the number of it. Do not use any computer he has touched. ( I used the library computers, which was also away from the house and wifi connections) .  Don't tell your h any of this.

The denial and disbelief I understand but it's real.

[Landslide2014]

Thanks whirlpool, for the validation. So I guess I'm wondering where you are at now?  I shutter when I think of having to hide my personal stuff, sleep with my car key in my pocket, etc. If I know that this insanity has an end, I believe I will be able to endure it better. I keep secretly hoping the stbxBPDh finds a new object of affection, although bittersweet, I'm desperate for him to focus elsewhere. I feel sick about this. I just (still) don't get it. I'm accepting it, but trudging instead of gliding. I want to glide.

[whirlpoollife]

I look back and cannot believe the power x2bh had over me. It was a do it or die to get out, it was survival mode.

After h left, it was / is a slow healing process. I slept on the couch for another six months because that was my security. ( i did move it across the room because I had visions of him standing above me staring and cursing ) . I changed the locks on the house. The freedom to move in the house without derogatory comments, passive aggressive comments, etc was a slow realization process.

To be able to sit down and watch a tv show ,without being referred to as a wife who does

nothing , was strange and took getting used too. To come and go without permission and explanations was surreal.  To be able to things with kids and that not taken away from me was wow.

I have jobs that I work at while kids are not at home , why, because h would love to come in the house ... .My kids would let him come in because he is so manipulative. He fought in court to get me to leave the house on his custody times so he could come here to "be with kids" and another time he fought for kids to have a key to the house so they could come and go as they pleased. Neither one happened fortunately .

H was out of town recently, I felt at ease about the safety of the house. As I drove though town I didn't feel watched. So I still have that looking over my shoulder feeling, but it stems only from h.

The divorce process still continues so there is still contact with h.

Dealing with issues concerning the kids is still contact with h. Still anxiety , but not near as much as in the beginning. I am building a backbone and loosing the guilt. I love that.

For you, with four kids, it's hard to do something for yourself, but you have to no matter how small, because that gives you emotional strength.

It s more of going though a damaging storm , the dark tunnel, then the sun comes out, the light at the end of the tunnel... .but now there is a lot of cleanup and rebuilding to do.  ( and going through the court system and attorneys is like waiting for permits to rebuild which is going to cost a lot of money).

[Landslide2014]

Thank you for sharing all of that with me whirlpool. I identified so well. For now, I will cling to the hope that there is an end. I believe that I will be able to endure the dark tunnel much better knowing that it's temporary. I am grateful that I am strong, even when I feel weak and that I have an amazing support system. As far as the legal system is concerned, I am not looking forward to it, however, my hands are tied. Not one other solution was taken seriously or attempted... .Just empty words without action. I have a greater level of acceptance knowing that I tried long and hard to achieve a healthy marriage. It took a long time to realize that my sanity is a matter of life or death, regardless of how challenging it is to achieve it. I appreciate you sharing your experience of strength hope and healing. It is the fuel that I needed at this moment to push through.

[SeekerofTruth]

Thanks for this awesomeness WP

... .it's hard to do something for yourself, but you have to no matter how small, because that gives you emotional strength.

It s more of going though a damaging storm , the dark tunnel, then the sun comes out, the light at the end of the tunnel... .but now there is a lot of cleanup and rebuilding to do.  ( and going through the court system and attorneys is like waiting for permits to rebuild which is going to cost a lot of money).

time = money (in many analogous and complementary ways)

[Landslide2014]

In regards to the quote from wp that SOT commented on:

When it is presented it as you did, it seams a matter of fact.  As I am coming to terms with that, I realize more and more that some things are just not in my control. How I react and perceive and act toward certain cards that have been dealt to me is something I can change. At any given time I have the choice to set a boundary, step away, call a friend.  I am learning more about myself through this "ordeal" then I ever would have if it weren't present. Although this is certainly not the outcome I would have chosen, I am realizing that I have the choice of how I react to the outcome.

[SeekerofTruth]

In regards to the quote from wp that SOT commented on:

When it is presented it as you did, it seams a matter of fact. ... .

I am learning more about myself through this "ordeal" then I ever would have if it weren't present.

Simple, matter of fact, small steps, day-to-day seem to be the pathway on my journey of recovery. I think having some type of mental rehearsal with an awareness/anticipation of an abrupt emotional setup triggering scenario: A. B. C. or D. that my preferred manner of response is nice, short, within a specified time period, and I may have a general default of "I need to think about it for a few days... ."  And then I'd need to cleanse, regroup, speak to someone else or hang out around others who do not engage in highly manipulative and disordered thinking and behaving sort of ways.  So important to keep moving and not get stuck down in just one location or two.  Any type of sanctuary is special.

What I learned about myself is that I could let my boundaries be violated 1,000 times until my boundaries blurred and morphed into deep enmeshment as my sense of identity and integrity were essentially subverted... .possibly unbeknownst to me but yet also knownst by me (dissociative surreal sorta "splitting" as in being split, as a ghost of my former self,  or locked into some type of fog or anger/frustration/appeasement double bind,  nevertheless being swept into the greater downward spiral... .

Any and almost all weaknesses, including those strengths turned to weaknesses, and those weaknesses under my nose... .were exposed.  Those weaknesses-need areas; now remain available to me to address with greater awareness, such as my codependence, addictive yearning and otherwise obsessive-compulsive misdirected thoughts and energies, so that I may take joy in the commitment and process of growing into that which I still can become.  (clean up rebuild... .with acceptance, dignity, and grace more so than not)