Text from SD12

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello all. As I mentioned in previous posts, I had to leave the marital home over 2 months ago due to stbxw acting out with agression towards me daily. I had to leave in a hurry to protect my belongings and my sanity. Due to this I was unable to have a sit down discussion with my SD's (sd12 and sd19). They are good kids and I hated leaving without talking to them 1st but it had to be done.

I filed for divorce and stbx has been served so we are just waiting on the state required mediation date. I have been pretty much NC the entire time with a few emails i sent to sort out bills in which I never recieved a response other than a guilt laden string of texts. STBX has been pretty quiet after that. No harrassing texts or voicemails which is good but strange at the same time. When I first left she laid guilt trip after guilt trip on me for not talking to her daughters before i left. I told her that I would still like to talk to them but I wanted it to be in private and in a non hostile environment. Her reply to that was "why so you can tell them lies about why you left me?" She then said "besides i asked them and they dont want to see you!"

That conversation was about 2 months ago. So last night at roughly 11:30pm I get a text from my SD12's phone that says "Hey it's SD12 I want to see u sometime!"

So the first thing I think is why would she text me this at 11:30pm? A 12yr old? She has had my number this whole time... .why tonight? and why this late?

Then I think, maybe this is just my stbx trying to see how I would respond. Maybe she is trying to see if I care about her girls anymore.

Should I respond? I'm not sure what to do... .

[power thru]

Hello all. As I mentioned in previous posts, I had to leave the marital home over 2 months ago due to stbxw acting out with agression towards me daily. I had to leave in a hurry to protect my belongings and my sanity. Due to this I was unable to have a sit down discussion with my SD's (sd12 and sd19). They are good kids and I hated leaving without talking to them 1st but it had to be done.

I filed for divorce and stbx has been served so we are just waiting on the state required mediation date. I have been pretty much NC the entire time with a few emails i sent to sort out bills in which I never recieved a response other than a guilt laden string of texts. STBX has been pretty quiet after that. No harrassing texts or voicemails which is good but strange at the same time. When I first left she laid guilt trip after guilt trip on me for not talking to her daughters before i left. I told her that I would still like to talk to them but I wanted it to be in private and in a non hostile environment. Her reply to that was "why so you can tell them lies about why you left me?" She then said "besides i asked them and they dont want to see you!"

That conversation was about 2 months ago. So last night at roughly 11:30pm I get a text from my SD12's phone that says "Hey it's SD12 I want to see u sometime!"

So the first thing I think is why would she text me this at 11:30pm? A 12yr old? She has had my number this whole time... .why tonight? and why this late?

Then I think, maybe this is just my stbx trying to see how I would respond. Maybe she is trying to see if I care about her girls anymore.

Should I respond? I'm not sure what to do... .

[Waddams]

Could be the ex-, could be the kid.

What's the status of the divorce?  You need to be very careful with engagement right now.  I'd be tempted to say something like "hey sweetheart.  i miss you and would love to see you too, but it needs to be arranged through your mother.  that okay?" 

I think any response after that would tell you whose on the other end.

[power thru]

Could be the ex-, could be the kid.

What's the status of the divorce?  You need to be very careful with engagement right now.  I'd be tempted to say something like "hey sweetheart.  i miss you and would love to see you too, but it needs to be arranged through your mother.  that okay?" 

I think any response after that would tell you whose on the other end.

Agreed, thats why im on the fence about replying. I thought about replying with something like "Hey, I would like to see you as well. If it's ok with your mom maybe we can have lunch together this weekend?"

[livednlearned]

Could be the ex-, could be the kid.

What's the status of the divorce?  You need to be very careful with engagement right now.  I'd be tempted to say something like "hey sweetheart.  i miss you and would love to see you too, but it needs to be arranged through your mother.  that okay?"  

I think any response after that would tell you whose on the other end.

Agreed, thats why im on the fence about replying. I thought about replying with something like "Hey, I would like to see you as well. If it's ok with your mom maybe we can have lunch together this weekend?"

I would lure her out before offering anything. "Hey! I miss you and I'm so glad to hear from you. How about giving me a call?"

EDIT: By luring her out, I mean SD12 (if it's her).

[SeekerofTruth]

Yup, agreed.

Wad and PTs response are far more detached and not emotionally triggered - as in emotionally vulnerable hence, tested and manipulated for any emotional feed... .i.e., target's embedded desperation.

For example, Wad and PT's initial response is responsive, warm, yet appropriately redirective and ever so "NON SPECIFIC"---as in ball is back in other's court... .  whereas... .in the anxiousness of one's own heartstrings and emotions... .any loving dad responsible father role... .would be like all over it... ."hey yeah, check w ur mom first, how about we go fishing!"... .

sorry man, I hear you.  What I like most is your initial intuitive questioning... .as in hmm, does this sound right... .there's something kinda sorta weird about this... .(and the hamster wheels start turning and burning your energetic supply) [Which sucks because the power of your intuition could be used for beautiful lovely and awesome things instead of looking behind you to cover your back). 

I believe your hypotheses is: given the unusual timing of text "+" subject matter being something close to your heart ; make me emotionally vulnerable to manipulation (a) and therefore might this be an instance of:  Covert  Subtle  Triangulation.

I think the feedback provides some awarenesses.  Maybe that is why the guidances suggest minimal short contact if at all during the divorce process... .because of protecting your emotional sanity and recovery vs. another recycle around the hamster wheel after the cheese gets offered and then gets misplaced somewhere else

In my experience it was the Cunningly Emotionally Mixed Messages about "still hoping to grow old and gray together" then lying in court, and whenever she felt she had an aggressive edge to hit... .she'd pound it in, in the exact opposite direction: "I can't wait for the divorce so I can finally loose this name of shame, and the judge puts you in your place... .!" 

huh, but... .

[Matt]

Why not call SD19 first - usually best to talk to the oldest child first since she might influence the younger child.

You'll find out whether both girls are being told bad things about you.  If you can re-establish a good relationship with SD19, that will be best.

Be careful not to tell SD19 about SD12's text til you find out if SD19 is going to be helpful or not.

Then call SD12 and just say you got her text and you would like to see her too.  Have a good long talk and focus on her - how things are going with her etc.

Then e-mail her mom and make some specific proposal, like "I would like to take the girls to lunch Saturday.  I'll pick them up at noon and bring them back by 2:00."  And see what response you get.

If Mom wants to block your contact with SD12, you might not be able to do much about that, but maybe you can stay in touch with SD12 by phone, e-mail etc.

SD19 is an adult so there is probably no legal way Mom can block contact.  And if you see SD19 regularly, you can remember to always tell her you wish you could see SD12 but her mom is keeping that from happening.  SD12 needs to know you are thinking about her all the time.

[Nope]

I would be very careful. You can't put it past the BPD ex to be trying to create "evidence"  that you were having some kind of inappropriate relationship with her 12 year old daughter. I would not respond at all if I were in your shoes. Least of all to a text suddenly coming in late at night.

I am sure you care about the kids but this smells of a set up. Don't say or do anything you don't want to spend time explaining or justifying in court or to the police. If you really want to follow up with her do it by email where it will be easier to take the time and make yourself clear.

[livednlearned]

Do you want to have a long-term relationship with the girls?

[power thru]

Thanks for the replies and suggestions all. I have not responded as of yet and I'm still not sure if I will.

Lived, to answer your question... .I do not necessarily need a long term relationship with my SD's but I do want to apologize for the way things ended up and I want to make sure that they understand that it had nothing to do with them and that I still care about them. They both have fathers that live in our same town so they are not without fathers. I just want them to know that if they ever got in a bind or just needed someone to talk to, they can contact me and I would be here for them. Just because me and their mother didn't work out doesn't mean that they cant talk to me ever again.

The logical side of me says that eventually they will fade from my life but I just want them to transition through this period knowing that my feelings for them never changed.

[ForeverDad]

Beware of apologies - they may get into the hands of the ex and then you'll be blamed even more as the cause of all the conflict.  You'd be apologizing for just your part in it and the ex would want you to take the fall for all of it.

[power thru]

Beware of apologies - they may get into the hands of the ex and then you'll be blamed even more as the cause of all the conflict.  You'd be apologizing for just your part in it and the ex would want you to take the fall for all of it.

Agreed and this is exactly the reason why my stbxw did not want me to speak with them in private. She wants to be present so she can interject when i don't say exactly what she believes or wants me to say. She wants me to tell them that its all my fault and that i don't love their mom anymore. That way im the bad guy she always knew I was and the girls will side with her in her smear campaign.

The reality is, my talk would be simple and non accusatory.

[Matt]

Not saying what the right thing is, but I would pick up the phone and talk with each of the girls.  Don't make it into a big deal, and don't worry excessively about what the other party will do - you can't predict or control that.  Just make sure you are doing what you believe is right - and if you are speaking honestly with the girls, and supporting them, that is surely the right thing to do.

If the ex wants to make a big deal out of it, she will, and she will bring forward the day when everybody sees her as crazy.

What I wouldn't do is stay distant from the kids.  Letting the disordered person give them all their information means they won't have any access to other views - they'll be immersed in whatever story she wants to tell them, and maybe overwhelmed by it.  Could take them a long time to recover from that.