The sudden death of my child...

[crazyworld]

I have searched the web to find any resources available to parents who have experienced and are suffering from the sudden death of a child from another  borderline personality disorder “episode” which is what I began to call them with our daughter, age 41, with 3 children.

We were in a disconnect mode at the time of her death.  She was just starting to try to reconnect once again. 

Where is there help to deal with guilt, confusion, despair at the fact that there was no help available no matter how hard I tried.  All I was able to do was to continue to rescue her from all of the awful situations she got herself into.  Trauma over all of it for the past 10+ years and now the suddenness of everything going away.

I just need to know how others cope and if there is a place to find support on the web that I have not been able to locate - possibly a book or other information?

Thank you,

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, crazyworld 

I'm very sorry to hear about your daughter, and the trauma you and your family have gone through. It's so hard to see our BPD child (and also an adult child) engage in self-destructive and dangerous behaviors, and feel like there is nothing we can do about it. The stress you dealt with during that 10 years is very understood by the parents on this site, and I also know what that is like. I am lucky that my adult (37) son found help before it was too late for him, but I dealt with the fear of losing him for so long that it became a dread that could keep me awake for days on end. I'm so very sorry that you have had to deal with the unimaginable, and I hope that this site will become a support system for you.

I'm really sorry that you and your daughter were not in contact at the time of her death, and I'm sure it is heartbreaking for you to know that she was starting to try to reconnect again. I know the frustration of trying to get help for your child when you know something is wrong, but there are no resources or even diagnoses available at that time of trauma. It's the loneliest, most forlorn thing to face!

There are parents here who have gone through exactly what you have, and they will be there to help you... .As will the other parents who are dealing right now with what you had been dealing with for so long. I'm hoping that someone will have the specific information you are looking for, crazyworld, and I'm very glad that you've found us again 

[swampped]

DEar Crazyworld:  I am so terribly sorry for your loss---please know that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.  Although I have not experienced anything like this, I know that there are people on here who have, and I am sure they will be on line to share their experience with you.  Please take care of yourself during this time of grief, and know that you were a good caring mother for your dd.  My father committed suicide many years ago, and survivor's grief is long-lasting and deep.  You have many friends here, who understand at least some of your pain, and we offer support in whatever ways we can help.      Swampped

[pessim-optimist]

Hello again, crazyworld 

I remember your story, and I am glad that you are back... .

How are the little ones? Has your life settled a bit into a stable routine? Are there family/friends being pulled closer together as a result of this loss, or are you doing this all alone?

I don't know if there are words of comfort of words of wisdom that would soothe your pain right now, but I want you to know that as little a comfort as it may be - we here are thinking of you... .

I will ask the friend of ours if there are any books/websites that have helped him along in his healing from the loss of his son. I know that there are support groups for parents who have lost a child - have you had a chance to check any of that out? Are there any such groups in your area?

Sending you prayers of peace and healing. 

[MammaMia]

crazyworld

I am so sorry this is happening to you and your family.

You may want to consider grief counseling in a group setting for survivors of suicide.  Everyone there is familiar with what you are going through.  Have you looked to see if there is anything like that available near your home?  

A clergyman or family physician may be able to assist you with finding group or private therapy. You might also try a local Crisis Hotline for immediate help.  

I am unsure if you will find anything online due to the sensitive nature of suicide and the legal and ethical ramifications of dispensing therapy via the web.    

Thoughts and prayers are with you and yours. Again, I am so very, very sorry.  Please take care of yourself and find the support you seek.   Perhaps some of the staff here may be able to direct you.

[lbjnltx]

Hello crazyworld,

I'm so very sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter after so many years of struggling to save her from her mental illness. 

As parents of children with severe mental illness we begin grieving the loss of our dreams and expectations for our children throughout their lives.  The quest for understanding, help, skills, and recovery are taxing, frustrating, and often fruitless.  There is little organized information on grieving for the living.  I have found one book... ."Grieving Mental Illness" by Virginia LaFond that you may find helpful.

Continue to post and express your thoughts and feelings here as there are many who can give you the support you need and help you learn some of the skills that will help you move through the grieving process.

lbjnltx

[jellibeans]

Dear crazyworld

I am so sorry for your loss. I do think members here remember your story and you can post here. I don't know what to say... .I think we feel like we are on a roller coaster at times with our children with BPD... .now the ride is over and I don't know how you go on when this was what you have been doing for so long. Take the time to grieve and Ihope you can find a group in your area.  

[chooselove]

I'm so sorry you are living through this.   I'm so afraid.  My near-40 year old daughter has gone NC with me and I sometimes imagine the worst happening and wonder if people would even notify me because she has told everyone out in the world that I am a horrible mother who deliberately drove her away from our family and that she wants me out of her life.  People would probably not let us know if something happened to her because of how convincing she can be.

I still have many of her belongings here and it is torturous to see them. I can imagine the utter loneliness of going through them after a death.

In other thoughts, though, I hope and pray that you have received peaceful dream-like messages from your daughter, letting you know she is okay.  I have experienced that with every loved one who has passed on. It has been an ongoing affirmation that these short lives we live are nothing like the big picture. I think what would stand the best chance of sustaining me through separation and/or death is knowing/believing that one day all this will be healed and loving reunions will take place and all will be forgiven and accepted on a grand scale.  It keeps me in peace in a life where no one knows and understands or has the memories or has witnessed what we (BPD mothers mostly) carry privately deep inside as we empathize to the best of our ability what it must be like for our suffering children.

I'm grateful you have your grandchildren to help you see and feel your daughter's spark in each of them. 

[Reality]

Dear crazyworld:

I, too, lost my child, our son Will.  It is a terrible loss for family.  My deepest condolences.

I found walking every day helped me with the deep grief.  No matter how distressed I feel, I go for a long walk every day.  As well, I made sure to eat normally every day.  Some people eat too little, some, too much.  I found I could do those two things daily and it did help to ensure a reasonably good sleep every night. 

I talked often to my sister.  It is difficult for others to understand your loss, so I limited sharing my grief with most people.  My sister read some books on grief, which helped, as she knew some helpful strategies and approaches.

My favorite book is Beyond Endurance:When a child Dies by Ronald Knapp. 

As well, after several months I joined a grief group for people who had lost a child.  We still meet and that group helps me immensely to feel understood and less alone.

Hopefully, some of these ideas might be helpful.  It isn't easy. 

Reality

[Iamafaerie]

www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx

This online forum was the most valuable resource for me in dealing with the loss of my son.

I read through every post and found one or two people who had similar circumstances and established email contact with them.

I found it helped so much to have someone who understood exactly what I was feeling and had experienced.

It was better than any counselling or talking to a friend because it enabled me to pour out my feelings and fears at any time of the day or night, knowing there would be a response later, so I could let go of the immediate distress.

I also experienced empathy for the circumstances of others which helped me to get through my own experiences. This happened when I read of what had happened to other mothers, circumstances which society would label as 'worse' than my own.

Nobody's pain is actually worse than anyone else's, but somehow this helped me.

What also helped me in time, many years after the loss, was to take on a life coaching course. Just a simple one that I did online by email which put me back in touch with who I was as a young person. It made me value and respect my thoughts, feelings and preferences again.

One more thing, try to be as kind to your Self as you would be to your daughter under the same circumstances. Give your Self the best foods, drinks, quiet time, gentleness just like you would do for her if able to.

Be careful who you listen to and who you have in your life at a time where you need genuine care. I do hope some of my words fit well with you and help in some small way.

I promise it does get better. You will never be the same person, but you will not feel so physically traumatised for the rest of your days. Your are allowed to feel s... .tty for as long as you feel s... .tty and nobody is allowed to tell you how to grieve or for how long. Nobody. The only people who are allowed an opinion are those in the exact same circumstances.

Big hug from one mum to another.

(( x ))

[pessim-optimist]

Hello again crazyworld,

I asked our friend what helped him the most after he lost his son... .

Here is part of what he said:

First, 'information does not necessarily translate to transformation. At this point I didn't need people with answers so much as changed people... .from their own inner experience and really close friends that I knew walked in a very real way with the Lord.

So I would say any book that's recommended, look into it... .even if it costs $200-$300 in books... .the collective time spent in those books and whatever insights that begins healing and transformation and ultimately (took me 7 years... .everyone is different) to surrender.

Having said that:

1. Heaven: by Randy Alcorn - this book really helped open the kingdom and gave me a vision, glimpses of what it is like purely from the scriptures.

2. Here's a few other books I read in no particular order but each had pieces that helped me in some way:

- Remember My Soul - Rabbi Yaakov and Lori Palatnik

- My Companion Through Grief - Gary Kinnaman

- Transcending Loss - Ashley Davis Prend

- Consolation - Maurice Lamm (author of The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning)

- I wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye - Brook Noel & Pamela Blair, Ph.D.

- Geting to the Other Side of Grief - Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge & Robert De Vries, Ph.D.

- 90 Minutes in Heaven -

I hope today finds you feeling peaceful... . 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[parent of bpd daughter]

I am so very sorry for your loss. When I lost my husband - who was also mentally ill and suffering for a long time - I turned to Buddhism and found solace.

The mindfulness meditation and community offered by the Buddhist community was a godsend for me in those times and still is. The fact that life is suffering is a fundamental precept in buddhist philosophy and this is helpful for those of us who have suffered painful loss.

I also turned to spiritual intuitive counselors who helped me find meaning in life through the loss.

I am not saying this is the path you should choose - just offering what helped me in hopes it may give you options. Please take care and choose your friends carefully - the slightest little things feel like acid burns when your emotions are raw after loss. I am sorry.

Namaste