when to tell my ex the truth?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

Here's the situation.  I am away with my children visiting my family.  My family lives on the completely opposite side of the country, so we do not see them often.  Although my parents try to visit me where I live with my kids about once a year, it doesn't always happen, and my children certainly haven't seen the rest of my family in a few years (aunts, cousins, etc.)  In fact, my step son (my ex's son) hasn't been out here in 7 years!  So, we are all here enjoying ourselves for a limited 10 days.  We have plans to go away, and right now we are enjoying ourselves at my parents' house.

Here's the crazy part.  My ex wife (uBPD) just happens to be probably 6 hours away, by car, for a job she is working.  That job has resulted in her being away from the kids for a few weeks (probably a month total by the time she gets them back).  Normally, we alternate one week on, one week off, with our kids.  So, she texts me, the day we arrive here, and wants to know if I will drive 2 hours away (she would drive almost 4) and meet her in another state so that she can see the kids.  She could take them shopping and what-not, and I could basically hang out for a few hours until she is done with them.

Now, there is no flippin way I want to do that.  In fact, I'm amazed someone can be so utterly thoughtless and selfish -even though, after being married to her and recycling once after (totalling over 14 years), I'm not really surprised one bit.  I get that she misses them, but you've seriously gotta be kidding me.  I knew she was going to try to insert herself into this time, especially because she hates my family.

My plan is to say something like, "I understand that you want to see the kids.  It sucks that you had to be gone from them so long.  But we have a very limited time here for them to see my family, and I want to take advantage of every second of it.  Plus, we already have our plans made for the rest of this week.  So, I'm not going to take a day out, or even a half day, to break away and do that.  But maybe I can set up a video chat with them some evening?  Would that work for you?  And after next week, we'll all be home and you can take them to the fair and stuff."

But what I really want to say is, "Are you kidding me?  How can you seriously be so thoughtless and selfish?  Our son hasn't seen these people in 7 years!   And our daughters haven't in a handful of years!"

Now, I don't say that because I know she's a fool and won't be able to hear it, and I know it will needlessly provoke her and cause drama.  But at what point do I tell her that she's being selfish?  And do any of you (experienced folks) have suggestions for how I would do that in this situation?  Or do I ever?  Maybe I just stick to "I" statements, like "I don't want to do that because I want to maximize the time the kids have on this vacation and with their extended famiy that they rarely see" and forget about the idea of ever telling her what a self-absorbed jerk she is?

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi everyone,

Here's the situation.  I am away with my children visiting my family.  My family lives on the completely opposite side of the country, so we do not see them often.  Although my parents try to visit me where I live with my kids about once a year, it doesn't always happen, and my children certainly haven't seen the rest of my family in a few years (aunts, cousins, etc.)  In fact, my step son (my ex's son) hasn't been out here in 7 years!  So, we are all here enjoying ourselves for a limited 10 days.  We have plans to go away, and right now we are enjoying ourselves at my parents' house.

Here's the crazy part.  My ex wife (uBPD) just happens to be probably 6 hours away, by car, for a job she is working.  That job has resulted in her being away from the kids for a few weeks (probably a month total by the time she gets them back).  Normally, we alternate one week on, one week off, with our kids.  So, she texts me, the day we arrive here, and wants to know if I will drive 2 hours away (she would drive almost 4) and meet her in another state so that she can see the kids.  She could take them shopping and what-not, and I could basically hang out for a few hours until she is done with them.

Now, there is no flippin way I want to do that.  In fact, I'm amazed someone can be so utterly thoughtless and selfish -even though, after being married to her and recycling once after (totalling over 14 years), I'm not really surprised one bit.  I get that she misses them, but you've seriously gotta be kidding me.  I knew she was going to try to insert herself into this time, especially because she hates my family.

My plan is to say something like, "I understand that you want to see the kids.  It sucks that you had to be gone from them so long.  But we have a very limited time here for them to see my family, and I want to take advantage of every second of it.  Plus, we already have our plans made for the rest of this week.  So, I'm not going to take a day out, or even a half day, to break away and do that.  But maybe I can set up a video chat with them some evening?  Would that work for you?  And after next week, we'll all be home and you can take them to the fair and stuff."

But what I really want to say is, "Are you kidding me?  How can you seriously be so thoughtless and selfish?  Our son hasn't seen these people in 7 years!   And our daughters haven't in a handful of years!"

Now, I don't say that because I know she's a fool and won't be able to hear it, and I know it will needlessly provoke her and cause drama.  But at what point do I tell her that she's being selfish?  And do any of you (experienced folks) have suggestions for how I would do that in this situation?  Or do I ever?  Maybe I just stick to "I" statements, like "I don't want to do that because I want to maximize the time the kids have on this vacation and with their extended famiy that they rarely see" and forget about the idea of ever telling her what a self-absorbed jerk she is?

[livednlearned]

Three sentences max is my rule. I don't ever ask open-ended questions if I can avoid it, and I minimize (if not eliminate) any chance for negotiation. I also try to make it clear that if I haven't heard back by a certain time, I interpret that as an answer. Otherwise you have to wait around wondering until the last minute, and the kids don't know what's going on, and you don't know, and everyone has to stop their schedules. Also, I never defend my reasoning. I just don't. It was always the thing that N/BPDx latched onto and tossed back in my face.

"I know it must be hard to be away from the kids for so long. The kids have a packed schedule that was arranged long in advance, but I think they can probably Skype with you for half an hour at 8pm on Tuesday. If I haven't heard from you by Friday, I will not mention anything about Skype to the kids."

It can be hard to be terse at first, but eliminating ambiguity is really helpful. If you want to add a nice touch, you can always say something like, "I hope things are going well with your job."

[OutOfEgypt]

livednlearned,

Thanks for that.  Great encouragement and great example.

So you would skip the whole, "By the way, you're selfish for even asking" bit?

[Turkish]

livednlearned,

Thanks for that.  Great encouragement and great example.

So you would skip the whole, "By the way, you're selfish for even asking" bit?

Can you word it in the form of a SET statement? 

[OutOfEgypt]

Haha.  I tried to be empathetic, with an "I'm sorry, I know you miss them," and she replied without directly attacking.  It was more of a "I understand, but I'm heartbroken."  And apparently a video chat won't work given the poor internet connectivity.  Oh, can't I see how I've not done everything I can to help her in her poor situation?  

The thing is... .I do feel badly, even though I'm sure she's just trying to guilt-trip me.

But it's not my job to rescue any more.  And if I wasn't here visiting family, she still wouldn't be able the see the kids because of her job.

[livednlearned]

So you would skip the whole, "By the way, you're selfish for even asking" bit?

I'm almost positive her answer would be: "You know what? You're right. I apologize. I just really miss the kids. I'm glad they're with you and your family, and I hope you are all having a great time. You're a great dad and a good person."



Also, someone motivated to drive 4 hours can put effort into finding a good Internet connection. It's amazing how many solutions there are when you don't see yourself as the victim -- that goes for anyone, me included!