Just lost

[romancandle]

So this will probably come off as a bit all over the place. I am just at a loss for words. My SO got mad at me last night and punched me in the face multiple times and bit several times in the process leaving a nice bruise in my chest as well as a bloody nose.

In all of her episode I tried to simply get her to release my hand which she had clenched in her teeth and she bumped into the table with her hip.  So now she had spun it that her punching me several times in the face and biting me multiple times was self defense because I tried to simply get her off if me.  I didn't strike her or anything and I did everything in my power to defuse the situation and try to leave.  But she corned me and started physically assaulting me.

I just don't know how to handle this. She threatens some times to take out toddler WY from me.  When I pointed out that she was abusive she got all angry and told me she knew what abuse was(she was as used as a child).  Then precede to tell me how I wasn't man enough to deal with a little fighting.

I just don't know how to make her see her action.  She had a tiny bruise on her hip from bumping the table and accused me of attacking her.  I have a big bruise on my chest and my nose is all sore from where she punched me in it and drew blood.

I just feel like I am powerless because I have to be here for our toddler and while she doesn't do this as much, she can't seem to understand that it happening at all is unacceptable.

Please give some advice here.  I do care about her and want her to get help, but I just don't know that she ever will.  I feel like I constantly have to be alert for the tiniest thing that will ignite her bottomless anger.

[Forestaken]

First of all, this is the place to be for support.

My history: Married to a low functioning uBPD+dOCDw for 24 years, divorced this year, but still tying up loose ends.  I was abused: physically, financially, verbally and emotionally for the last 9 years of marriage - I often went to work with bruises and scratches.  It took alot to divorce her.

I would keep a journal of the abuse.  Hide it, never let her see it. 

Tell someone who does have contact with her - take photographs

Start playing to leave, slowly, hide money $5-$10.  If she suspects, it is a trigger

Learn her triggers, My X hated single moms.  Her mother was her father's mistress.

Learn how to handle her triggers, Her: "What are you thinking about?" Me:"I adding up the costs to fix the bathroom".

I hid money in my kid's gym bags (she never went in there)-then moved it to the garage between extra ceramic tiles.  Someplace she never would investigate or throw away.  I finally got the courage and strength to leave her.  Life is better not perfect just better.

[kiwimitch]

Get out, Get out ! 

There is a better world out there... .  You dont deserve this... .

It will only get worse and worse. It will  never get better... . 

It will take time, but start t a new life.  One day you will look back and wonder how you ever put up with it...  

Good Luck.

[Panda39]

I concur... .Get Out!  Plan your escape! Do what you need to do for you!

Is there domestic violence victim assistance in your area?  Might be a good call to make and just talk to someone. Do you have any out side support you can turn to? Friends/Family?

Know that there are people out here that care 

[stuckgirl]

you care about her and that has you trapped in fear obligation,guilt,

it will take years for these feelings to go away and to be replaced by something like disrespecting her for disrespecting you

and by that time a significant chunk,perhaps the best part of your life, would have been wasted trying do something impossible

i know to you,she is different,she is the one that can change,she is the one that can make it,she is the sole pwBPD on which medication will have a dramatic effect,she will then turn to the perfect woman you perhaps met initially. but you're in denial,its not going to happen,its never going to happen

leave her and be happier for it,along with that,you would be able to give your child a conflict free childhood.

not many people forget their parent/parents hitting,and most kids are too small to realize whose fault it is.

it might sound a bit dramatic,but leave her and live.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Keep your IPOD/Phone always fully charged, record... you can point the camera to yourself if you need to, to say that you are recording yourself, not her... .and even if you record her while she is punching you, it is all right. 

We talk about whether recordings are legal or illegal all the time, my conclusion is that if the recording is done for a criminal purpose, then it is usually prosecuted... .like someone recording through windows into someone else's bedroom etc.  however, recordings like this for self defense are not prosecuted.

I would really recommend that you should begin a specific thread asking others about the methods they have had to use to prevent themselves against false allegations of physical abuse.

Just like your experience, there are many many many here who have had the spouse call 911 and have them arrested even though it has been her who has been violent.  Men have lost their children, their standing in the society, their jobs due to false allegations.

Please understand that you are dealing with a mental illness.  So it is not a question of shame or morality... .you are not doing anything wrong by preventing a false allegation.  To the contrary, your child deserves one sane and stable parent at the very least.

You must prevent yourself from the train engine about to run you over... .your actions now have a direct and immediate impact on your child.  Everything you do should be to save the child.  In order to save the child, you first need to save yourself.

And saving yourself means at the very basic level, preventing yourself from going to jail due to false allegations... .and then saving yourself from personal and emotional destruction, from financial destruction... .

Get counseling, get help here, exercise, eat well, save money... .

Sadly, she is not an enemy but her mental disorder is exactly that, a condition that does not allow her to think maturely and morally.

When a plane is losing altitude, the parent is told to put the oxygen mask first before putting it on the child... .because, the chances of both being saved are greater when the parent puts the oxygen mask first... .

Your coming here and your outrage and hurt at this incident is the first step towards ... .let's say, personal sanity, personal safety, morality even... .

God Bless.

[stuckgirl]

Keep your IPOD/Phone always fully charged, record... you can point the camera to yourself if you need to, to say that you are recording yourself, not her... .and even if you record her while she is punching you, it is all right. 

We talk about whether recordings are legal or illegal all the time, my conclusion is that if the recording is done for a criminal purpose, then it is usually prosecuted... .like someone recording through windows into someone else's bedroom etc.  however, recordings like this for self defense are not prosecuted.

I would really recommend that you should begin a specific thread asking others about the methods they have had to use to prevent themselves against false allegations of physical abuse.

Just like your experience, there are many many many here who have had the spouse call 911 and have them arrested even though it has been her who has been violent.  Men have lost their children, their standing in the society, their jobs due to false allegations.

Please understand that you are dealing with a mental illness.  So it is not a question of shame or morality... .you are not doing anything wrong by preventing a false allegation.  To the contrary, your child deserves one sane and stable parent at the very least.

You must prevent yourself from the train engine about to run you over... .your actions now have a direct and immediate impact on your child.  Everything you do should be to save the child.  In order to save the child, you first need to save yourself.

And saving yourself means at the very basic level, preventing yourself from going to jail due to false allegations... .and then saving yourself from personal and emotional destruction, from financial destruction... .

Get counseling, get help here, exercise, eat well, save money... .

Sadly, she is not an enemy but her mental disorder is exactly that, a condition that does not allow her to think maturely and morally.

When a plane is losing altitude, the parent is told to put the oxygen mask first before putting it on the child... .because, the chances of both being saved are greater when the parent puts the oxygen mask first... .

Your coming here and your outrage and hurt at this incident is the first step towards ... .let's say, personal sanity, personal safety, morality even... .

God Bless.

hit the nail on the head

[romancandle]

A big problem in out relationship is her inability to see how her behavior hurts me. Not just the physical stuff, which in moments of clarity she feels bad about before displacing blame one me it telling me I am being granitic and that is just how things are when you are in a relationship.

She constantly end ups with some dude following her around. She has contact with them that I think anyone would em inappropriate and then claims they are just a friend. Although I know physically she has not done anything with this dude. She has shown me texts which are explicate in nature and sexual and then tells me he is just a friend.  It drives me away from her and she even admits how much it would upset her if th tables were turned, but then she does nothing about it.  She even tells me I need to just let it go and that it is no big deal.  All the while she basically forbids me from having any female friends of which I would never let anything like that happen with.  Is this normal for someone to do with her mindset?

[stuckgirl]

Unfortunately it is  normal... .after a year of being together my SO still does this,with rare moments in which he realizes what he did was wrong,ive also heard him mention a couple of times that if i did it to him,hed be devastated,yet he goes back to hurting and not caring,

perhaps its not about you,perhaps its an essential defense mechanism for pwBpd... for example to hurt after having imagined that they have been hurt and not feel bad about hurting because they think we 'deserved getting one back'

This is how a non would react,if he/she were deliberately hurt by someone,they would cut contact or hurt back.however, pwBpd almost always feel theyve been hurt or insulted,thats why nons often find themselves walking on eggshells.

I think unfortunately in most cases pwBPD do not realize theyve hurt the other person undeservedly,and in moments of clarity,like you mention,my experience is that they feel too shameful about an undeserved attack to mention it.

is your partner diagnosed or not? Can you perhaps suggest therapy?

Take care