SS20 has development delays -- mostly cognitive issues -- and anxiety. He's just had an amazing year. He went away to a small city near us to attend a special college program that helped him with life skills and got him into several work experience jobs. He had his first kiss, first girlfriend and his then first break-up. (Darn girl
) He made friends and had some regular social connections. He was so proud to be a college grad.
He was absolutely thrilled to be living away almost on his own (he had supports in place) and got a taste of freedom. His mom (UBPD) moved 500 miles away to be closer to her parents. SS20 rarely saw her and she had minimum involved with his program. She didn't come to his grad. Meanwhile, DH was very involved with the program, went regularly for meetings with his teachers and support workers, helped in planning what was next, got SS moved, bought him furniture, etc, etc.
At the end of the program, SS20 decided to stay living in this small city. He landed a permanent job. He was proud of what he'd done but he even wanted more. He constantly asked DH how he could get to a place where he didn't need to have his parents as guardians.
When he was 17, SS had to have an assessment done to determine if he required full guardianship for decision making (where he lived, worked, medical decisions, etc.) when he turned 18. It was clear he needed financial assistance but the rest wasn't as clear. The assessor determined he needed full guardianship, but also said he should be re-assessed because it was clear he had the ability to learn, and if he improved he could move to a different model of decision making.
SS20 had the re-assessment last week. When the assessor was done, she told him he had made huge strides. She told him she thought he may not require full guardianship. SS20 was thrilled. He told DH he couldn't wait to tell his mom because "it will prove I'm not stupid. She thinks I'm stupid." Very sad, but he's right (she calls him mentally handicapped or on a bad day mentally retarded but at least not to his face.) SS told us he knows he had made great strides because of all that DH and I have done for him the last few years.
The next day the assessor called to say that after discussions with the guardianship office, they determined SS20 should still be under full guardianship. Mostly because of his anxiety and how it might affect his decisions. SS was devastated.
But it didn't end there. He has just informed us that his mom has quit her job and is moving to the city he lives in. She has no ties there other than SS. When he told DH he said "oh well, at least maybe she'll drive me to work on cold days." That's about the only positive things he could up with to say.
His mom informed him he can no longer ride his bike to work. It is too unsafe. She sent DH scathing emails this week about how he is pushing SS20 to do unsafe things. Meanwhile SS20 rode his bike to work for years when he lived with us. He loved the freedom of riding his bike (he will likely never be able to get a driver's license and like most people isn't thrilled about taking a bus). Today he called and admitted he didn't ride to work. DH said he sounded defeated.
Since I've known DH, his ex has taken little interest in SS20, except to fight anything that looked like independence or anything that had to do with guardianship or control. The days he was with her, SS20 sat and watched TV all day, eating junk food. Even he got tired of it eventually. She stopped him from playing sports (too dangerous), going to school (kids were bullies), riding the bus (street he had to cross was dangerous). And on and on.
I don't know what is next for SS. Obviously DH can't tell his ex where to live, and because they are joint guardians they have to both agree if SS wants to move.
I am so sad for SS20.
