Through the looking glass

[parent of bpd daughter]

This occurred to me the other day, I was looking out of a window at work watching some people park a car and other very ordinary things. This is what my relationship with my BPDD has been since adolescence - watching her through a window or looking glass - detached, non-connected, as if she were unreachable, untouchable, not real.

I see her but have never been able to "feel" her life force, her emotions, her moods, I cannot detect any life in her at all - despite her histrionics and suicide attempts - it's all like watching someone through a window. I see what's happening to her - but I cannot reach her - no one can. The tears she cries seem so unreal - no emotion behind them. She laughs at things that make others cry. She has no empathy, no joy, no sorrow - just flat affect and no idea what each suicide attempt does to me or her sister.

One therapist early on in this journey asked me to consider that perhaps her own death would be humane, an end to her suffering. I was appalled he would say that - I never went back to him. Instead I see therapists who fill my head with hopes - however minimal and delusional those hopes are - I know the truth. I lost her a long time ago, sometime in her teen years - she disappeared - became unreachable.

Now she walks among the living, but she is not living. She eats, sleeps, breathes, works, but there is no essence of being. It is extremely painful to watch - most times I just look away.

Now I understand what that therapist meant - perhaps her death would bring her peace from the pain she undoubtedly has but yet cannot feel.

I want so badly to take her pain from her yet she cannot talk to me or anyone about it because she cannot look inside herself.

This disease I would not wish on my worst enemy much less my child.

Much peace and hope to all of you out there - those who have literally lost their child and those of us who still grieve the living. We have to wake up every day and breathe and try to find meaning and help others and maybe help someone else's child because we just can't help our own - no matter how hard we try.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

I am so sorry, parent of BPD daughter... . 

Thank you for sharing this. It is so very sad, and I wish I had a solution for your dd, but I think that for those parents that are experiencing something similar, your story will be comforting in the sense that they are not alone in this.

Thank you again for sharing... .

[nona]

Dear PArent of a BPD daughter

Im wondering if I am the parent of a BPD daughter too.

My dd is only 11 yrs.

HAs no diagnosis. It will be incredibly difficult for me to get her evaluated or anyone with th eright skills/knowledge to lay eyes on her.

she has lived the insanity of an UBPD dad all her life.

She is almost fully alienated from me through divorce and a push pull custody situation.

Your words reflect much of how I feel and what I see when I look at her.

She tells me my love feels fake.

"you're just trying to win me from dad"

Im realizing she was never NORMAL... .really. there was always something a bit off.

I really dont know where or how to focus my energy.

professionals suggest all this loving and behaviors that work with neurotypical kids, but if she is not neurotypical, those tricks wont work.

tricks for neurotypical kids have never worked on her.

MAybe i should focus on set and BPD communication skills since no othetr way to reach her seems to be working ?

what was life like when she was little?

what were your signs she had something?

my heart goes out to you, dear Parent.

[Rapt Reader]

MAybe i should focus on set and BPD communication skills since no othetr way to reach her seems to be working ?

I'm thinking that this would be worth a try, nona... .Have you used these Tools and Lessons (the links are to the right-hand side of this page) in communicating with your Ex-Husband? Did they make any difference? Or are you just getting started with learning/applying these techniques? If so, keep working on it, and using them while dealing with both your daughter and Ex would be helpful I'm sure... .

I see her but have never been able to "feel" her life force, her emotions, her moods, I cannot detect any life in her at all - despite her histrionics and suicide attempts - it's all like watching someone through a window. I see what's happening to her - but I cannot reach her - no one can. The tears she cries seem so unreal - no emotion behind them. She laughs at things that make others cry. She has no empathy, no joy, no sorrow - just flat affect and no idea what each suicide attempt does to me or her sister.

I bet that learning and applying these tools and techniques with your own daughter, parent of BPD daughter, would possibly make a difference for you, too. In fact, if you go the links to the right-hand side of this page, and read from the top down, it will give you quite a few insights into how your daughter's mind works, and you may find that she isn't as difficult to understand after all. You could gain a window into her mind and life that could help you to communicate with her (and understand her) in a way that could open her up to her own emotions to help her understand herself better.

Have you ever read "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr? It's my BPD Bible, and it has helped me navigate the relationships I have with the several BPD loved ones in my life, and it's really changed things for the better regarding those relationships for me (and even them). It's just a thought... .

[Elbry]

Thank-you for sharing this parent of BPD daughter.  It is very poignant and poetic and sad.  It is like looking through glass at them, but you just can't reach them.  You really got to my heart with this and brought a tear to my eyes.   

[concerned46]

It’s really very difficult watching a daughter or any loved one afflicted with BPD go about his/her life and yes, like yourself I really wish I could remove that affliction from her and take it on in her stead.  At any rate, I’d just like to say that when I was talking with my younger daughter about the condition of her elder sister, my younger daughter told me that I should take care of myself because she wouldn’t want to lose us both because she could see how it was affecting me.  That struck a chord with me—I still have to take care of myself—because there’s my wife and my younger daughter and I can’t afford to lose myself in worry over my BPD daughter.

Yes, you’re right--a BPD is remote and seems to be totally unfeeling.  I’m not sure if the technical word is dissociative.  It’s difficult to connect with my daughter.  Also, it feels like walking on eggshells talking with her because there’s always the fear that I might mention something that would shut her down completely, ending any conversation, that was already difficult to start in the first place.  But I hope that she would improve as her therapy goes on.  Lately, I was reading “The Essential Family Guide to BPD”  by Randi Kreger who says that the family members should take care of themselves as well.  I suppose that makes sense.  Because if anything, I’d still like to be around and still capable of helping my daughter in case of emergencies.

So lately, I’ve turned to meditation and mindfulness training.  I realize parents of BPD’s need to be calm especially in the face of their children’s BPD.  I’ve had quite a bit of difficulty sleeping lately as you can understand and I thought about calming my mind with meditation.  So I googled meditation and discovered Eckhart Tolle and Jon Kabat Zinn.  I won’t go into a discussion of what they said but I highly recommend the reader check both of them out.  I’d like to say that going through meditation and mindfulness, which I also read, would be beneficial to BPD’s, has also helped my wife and me cope with our situation.  In the meantime, we just keep soldiering on, hoping our loved one gets well.

[pessim-optimist]

hello concerned46,



Welcome to our little community of parents! You put it very well, we need to take good care of ourselves, so we are ok at the end of the day and so we can soldier on.