DBT skills: I feel like an old dog learning new tricks. Can anyone relate?

[Joey2008]

I'm trying. I really am. I'm seeing a DBT therapist and taking her DBT skills class. I understand the concepts and have been applying them to my life in small ways so far. But when it comes to talking to my daughter, who is now two weeks into a stay at a residential treatment center, I just seem to blow it. I can listen and validate, but sometimes she is so miserable that I switch into "Mom mode" and end up saying things that she doesn't want to hear. I wish I could say to her when she calls, "Call me back in ten minutes, and I'll know exactly what to say." Of course I can't do that when she's in the middle of her upset, but it just doesn't come naturally or quickly to me. I'm working against 65 years of training, and I'm finding it very hard to be different. I won't give up, and I'll try to be more prepared for her phone calls. Sometimes, after an uncomfortable (or worse) conversation with her, I feel hopeless--hopeless that I'll ever be the mother she wants me to be and hopeless that she'll ever be well. If I do things "right" by her standard, then I'm wonderful and she loves me so much. If I blow it, then I'm a horrible mother and she can "never" talk to me because I make her feel worse. I know that part of this is the BPD--the black or white thinking. I will keep trying because I love her dearly and because I don't think she's trying to be difficult. I just wonder how others cope with feeling as if they simply cannot win no matter how hard they try. Sending good wishes to you all. I know how hard this is.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear joey

I am right with you on the DBT therapy... .I am entering my 5th and final week. It is not easy but I feel like I have learned new approaches and I am further ahead than before. I have been reading Valerie Porr's book... .overcoming BPD and her is what she says are the main barriers and things to avoid... .

Denying your loved one has BPD

Making it about you by personalizing, defending or justifying yourself

over-apologizing

expressing anger

expressing disappointment

being over-controling

capitulating to demands

being inconsistent

feeling hopeless or believing nothing will help

stuffing down your emotions, fearing your own feelings, avoiding the experiencing your feelings

willfulness, or focusing on being right rather that being effective

focusing on being liked rather than being effective

and finally she says we need to learn how to tolerate our own distress, especially when we have to say no to our kids. Above all it is important to radially accept BPD and it's effect on us and our families.

I think what I have learned is not to be so hard on myself... .I am doing the best I can and right now so is my dd. That is really it in a nut shell. Don't beat yourself up... .I find it helpful to go back and read Porr's book or any other material that is helpful.

[lever.]

Jellibeans-thank-you for putting the main points in a nutshell like that-I could do with printing it out and reading it over and over!

Joey-yes I do relate- I read all the advice and DBT skills but when faced with my daughter either distressed or raging I feel my own emotional response and I sometimes fall into the trap of trying to fix things or placate her.

I think the difficulty is when I have difficulty handling my own emotions and I am finding that practicing mindfulness when not stressed is helping as I then fall back on it if I feel upset or angry eg DD is shouting- I focus on my breath and become aware of my own and her feelings and wait for my emotion to settle before I respond.

Have to be honest -we are human and I don't always succeed-but I'm trying and if I manage it its effective.

Also I think for Mums there is often a belief that it is our job to somehow fix things and that is something we somehow have to unlearn.

I like Jellibean's comment that we are doing the best we can so we just keep on trying but no neeed to be hard on ourselves.

[Joey2008]

Thank you both very much! I agree with lever--I'm going to print out your excellent synopsis, jellibeans! I've been reading Valerie Porr's book also, and I recently sent it and a DBT workbook to my daughter (at her request). And, yes, it's so easy to fall into the "Mom mode" trap of giving advice or feeling the need to fix things. I'll try to take each day as a new chance to do better and to try to be effective with her. Thanks again for the support and great advice.