understanding opinions needed

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi Everyone. Firstly thank you for being here. I really hope that I might get some clarity from people experienced with BPD. Here is my story in summary:

I have been dating my partner for just over 2 years. When we met I knew nothing of his emotional instability. Knowing what I know now the process of attaching to him was typical for a BPD relationship. The connection was something I had never felt before and I fell head over heels in love with him. After a year of dating he moved in with myself and my 2 children (at this stage everything seemed wonderful, in hindsight I ignored the red flags).

Soon enough the other side to him came bursting through and I was dumbstruck. Who the hell is this intruder? Anyway, to cut a long story short I soon realised he was showing signs of BPD. He took a disliking to my daughter who didn't warm to him and attacked my parenting style, he would (and still does) subtly irritate her on purpose. When I got very close he would go cold and call me distant and unloving. The slightest little thing could set off a BPD rant aimed at me. The first time he did this I remember thinking to myself that I would never let myself be spoken to like that again. But of course it happened many times. He never beat me but I felt emotionally battered and, at times, frightened. Each time he would win me round with his intellect, managing to justify his actions and rewording his attacks.

We lived together for a year before I made the difficult decision to ask him to leave and for us to continue dating but live separately which we have been doing. I am now in the position of not feeling any romantic affection for him and have told him this. I feel as though I have unconsciously shut down my emotions toward him yet I really like his company. When he kisses me I feel shut down. I know that in the long run this relationship won't work and it can never give me what I would like (consistency, family love, financial security). The hurt he has caused has left scars and I don't feel that attraction anymore. Telling him this has of course hurt him but he is still trying to win me back and telling me that I should make the effort to love him and that I am controlling and trying to have it all my way. He says he does not want to be friends, he only wants a romantic relationship. He has admitted his difficulties and is reading books to help him which is really great but he refuses therapy for financial reasons. He has no friends because he cuts everyone off, no family. He has 3 children who he sees occasionally. But I am THE only person he has.

I feel he needs me to say to him "I will be your lover unconditionally and help you through the BPD". I can never say this because I will always feel like leaving when he turns on me. However I could say that I will be their unconditionally as a friend.


I would love to hear any advice or different perspectives on my situation. Can someone recover just with a few books on DBT?

Thank you so much in advance for any words of wisdom.

[pavilion]

Hi Everyone. Firstly thank you for being here. I really hope that I might get some clarity from people experienced with BPD. Here is my story in summary:

I have been dating my partner for just over 2 years. When we met I knew nothing of his emotional instability. Knowing what I know now the process of attaching to him was typical for a BPD relationship. The connection was something I had never felt before and I fell head over heels in love with him. After a year of dating he moved in with myself and my 2 children (at this stage everything seemed wonderful, in hindsight I ignored the red flags).

Soon enough the other side to him came bursting through and I was dumbstruck. Who the hell is this intruder? Anyway, to cut a long story short I soon realised he was showing signs of BPD. He took a disliking to my daughter who didn't warm to him and attacked my parenting style, he would (and still does) subtly irritate her on purpose. When I got very close he would go cold and call me distant and unloving. The slightest little thing could set off a BPD rant aimed at me. The first time he did this I remember thinking to myself that I would never let myself be spoken to like that again. But of course it happened many times. He never beat me but I felt emotionally battered and, at times, frightened. Each time he would win me round with his intellect, managing to justify his actions and rewording his attacks.

We lived together for a year before I made the difficult decision to ask him to leave and for us to continue dating but live separately which we have been doing. I am now in the position of not feeling any romantic affection for him and have told him this. I feel as though I have unconsciously shut down my emotions toward him yet I really like his company. When he kisses me I feel shut down. I know that in the long run this relationship won't work and it can never give me what I would like (consistency, family love, financial security). The hurt he has caused has left scars and I don't feel that attraction anymore. Telling him this has of course hurt him but he is still trying to win me back and telling me that I should make the effort to love him and that I am controlling and trying to have it all my way. He says he does not want to be friends, he only wants a romantic relationship. He has admitted his difficulties and is reading books to help him which is really great but he refuses therapy for financial reasons. He has no friends because he cuts everyone off, no family. He has 3 children who he sees occasionally. But I am THE only person he has.

I feel he needs me to say to him "I will be your lover unconditionally and help you through the BPD". I can never say this because I will always feel like leaving when he turns on me. However I could say that I will be their unconditionally as a friend.


I would love to hear any advice or different perspectives on my situation. Can someone recover just with a few books on DBT?

Thank you so much in advance for any words of wisdom.

[thereishope]

I can 't really say anything to help you, except that I can relate very much with your thoughts and feelings... .I have been with my uBPDh for almost 4 years... .we actually got married and now I am living inside a marriage with the same feelings you are having.  I feel bad because at times h is kind/loving/etc... .But all of the accumulated pain and chaos caused by the BPD has broken me inside so that I just want the "light at the end of the tunnel"... .I want to be free from such a negative black cloud... .he is almost always somber/down/negative/critical... .and I want to live a life filled with joy and peace and rest... .  and I want it for my kids (thankfully from a previous marriage)... .This living situation has created a seriousness and a shortness in my temper... .I DON'T WANT ANY LONGER TO BE A PART of the negative style of living... .I had taken my kids to visit my parents out of state for a week a few months ago when things were getting to be too much and WE ALL had a GREAT time... .just doing things together, enjoying our moments, relaxed, etc... .without any concern for DOING ALL THINGS to MAKE SURE A BPD PERSON WAS OK... .Here if you need an understanding ear... .  and there is TONS of excellent info on this message board... .and many excellent encouragers... .You came to the right place.  Hang in there.   

I'm sorry I'm venting... .just very frustrated like you... . 

[pavilion]

Thanks. It's always nice to be in touch with people who understand. My friends are exasperated with me I expect. I can imagine that it feels a lot worse to me married to someone as not only do you have the emotional pull but the moral one too! We had a holiday book in June (me, him and my children). He backed out because he didn't 'want to play happy families' but me and the kids had a great time! No treading on eggshells and I have to say, since he has moved out the house has been a lot calmer.

[Forestaken]

Leave this r/s.  Trust me the separate pain is nothing compare to the future pain you and your kids will experience if you stay.

[ultramarine]

You are at the juncture where I was three years ago. I wanted to run as far away from him as possible, and yet keep going back for the benefits.

It's not your fault, because you are not in a state to think clearly about what you want. It seems as if you are too influenced by this person's emotional blackmail to take a clear decision, based on what YOU want. This is a typical occurrence I guess. It happened with me too. In fact, even after getting divorced, for about an year I kept feeling that may be I should have given him one more chance. Believe me, the person's words, actions and blackmail seep so deep into your system, that you start holding yourself responsible for the failure and for not trying enough. And from your post, I think that is what is happening with you too. You are trying to come up with all kinds of justifications to yourself, as to why you should stay, why you should be his friend. And may be you need to review the following three statements, and try to ask yourself whether you really mean it:

1. He says he does not want to be friends, he only wants a romantic relationship.

What do you want? You may want to be friends, but is he looking for a friend in you, or just a nanny to pamper him all the time and to take his tantrums?

2. But I am THE only person he has.



A PwBPD will always make you feel so, because he has put you on a high pedestal that no one ever has! It's his way of 'hiring' you as his emotional mop for life, just to clean up his mess! On your part, you know you will miss that attention & importance once he is gone and may be that's the pay-off that makes you want to stay with him.

3. However I could say that I will be their unconditionally as a friend.

Like it or not, that may not be possible. You are just saying this because you don't want to feel guilty of committing one more crime: Of 'abandoning' him. But hanging on as a friend could only complicate things, as he may not be able to accept the 'downsizing' of the relationship and may try to exceed his limits or play other kind of mind-games with you, just to show you your place. So being friends, would only be a license for all other sorts of behavior, simply because he still has access to you.

They don't like to be abandoned, because whenever it happens, it's 'they' who ought to leave. Not you. So based on your situation, I'd only say that if you have decided to call it off, then go ahead and do it full swing, without any euphemisms. From my own experience, you can't be friends with you ex-pwBPD. Somewhere you also know it, but are perhaps afraid to admit it.

You have been through a lot. And I can see that you cannot take it any longer. You need to focus on getting back your mental peace. And for that you WILL have to disconnect yourself completely. Do not leave scope for interaction as the slightest contact may result in mayhem. You may find yourself feeling guilty and sympathetic and craving to go back. But don't make that mistake. It's been a long hellish struggle for you to crawl out of the muck. Don't nullify your efforts by going back. the more you keep going back, the more difficult your way out would be!

To illustrate let me share what I have been through. During my divorce my BPD husband didn't have money, job or a house to go to. Hence, I offered that he could stay with me, as long as he keeps to himself. He agreed completely and thanked me profusely for my kindness. The next 3-4 nights, all I could hear was terrible depressing song played on full volume from his room. Songs about revenge, depression and vengeance. Until I could take it no longer and confronted him. He was waiting for such a confrontation it seems. Next evening I found a note left behind on my PC screen, that said that he is off to commit suicide and has mentioned me as the 'instigator' in his suicide note. I was knocked out of my wits and some hundred frantic phone calls later, found out that he was out boozing with friends. He had just done all this to psyche me.

I pray that things do not go to such an extent with you. But I needed to warn you that pwBPD are capable of doing anything, just to prove their supremacy. So beware. Do not keep in touch, not with him, and NEVER with his kids. Remember, all the good things that you think you are doing for him during the breakup period, WILL be used against you as a surprise weapon, to systematically destroy your peace of mind. For all you know, he may blame you for causing some harm to his kids!

As you said, the house is calmer, so is your life. Let the peace sustain. You also know what you want, so be firm. Be kind to yourself. And do not strive to help him, because you cannot help him. He needs to help himself. And that will not happen as long as he has you as a playing ground to play his games on.

Sorry about being so direct, but there's no other way to do this. Simply cut off completely. I've been divorced three years now, and have moved on. It was possible, only because I cut contact. And I am grateful for that.

All the best, may you be successful in protecting yourself from further harm! Take care dear! Hope I didn't bore you! 

[pavilion]

Thank you Ultramarine and Forestaken for taking the time to reply. I love the directness, it is what I need! It does feel like emotional blackmail and it tugs at my heart strings like you wouldn't believe. I do want out but can't seem to make the break. Today I didn't see him but had texts telling me that I discard anyone who doesn't fit the bill and that I can't accept his love and that I don't try etc.  Maybe I just need to text and say "it's over".

[ultramarine]

Yes, start with a firm text, and stay firm throughout.

He will try to seek your attention and break your resolve by all means. But you got to chose what's the best for you. Trust me, two years down the line, you'd be happy you cut contact. It's the beginning of a new life for you. And it's in your hands how soon to start this new life without him. Yes, WITHOUT HIM. Be very clear about that.

A practical tip is to involve yourself in new activity, that will also help you make new friends, and try to laugh a lot. Join some sport, that will make you feel good about yourself, and will also help in releasing toxins and pent-up emotions. Basically, cut the misery from your life, and start having fun! It's tough, I know, but I did it... .and so did many others. It's not impossible.

Life is too short. Spend it with those who love you and make you laugh.

Cheers and Power to you!

[pavilion]

Thank you. I am feeling empowered and very tearful today but I need to grieve properly. I am starting a university course in September so will have plenty to keep me busy and without him pulling for my attention I will be able to focus on it.

Well done you for managing to break free! And coming back here to give others hope is very generous of you.

[Forestaken]

Thank you Ultramarine and Forestaken for taking the time to reply. I love the directness, it is what I need! It does feel like emotional blackmail and it tugs at my heart strings like you wouldn't believe. I do want out but can't seem to make the break. Today I didn't see him but had texts telling me that I discard anyone who doesn't fit the bill and that I can't accept his love and that I don't try etc.  Maybe I just need to text and say "it's over".

You should.  A life of pain isn't worth it.

[pavilion]

I sent him a very polite text saying that I want our relationship as it stands to end and that if he cannot be friends I will have to respect that. His reply. "ok, goodbye". I guess I will be another psycho ex to him. Another person who has treated him like ___. I am hurting badly now but I know I have to endure the short term pain to reap the long term rewards.

[thereishope]

I sent him a very polite text saying that I want our relationship as it stands to end and that if he cannot be friends I will have to respect that. His reply. "ok, goodbye". I guess I will be another psycho ex to him. Another person who has treated him like. I am hurting badly now but I know I have to endure the short term pain to reap the long term rewards.

Wow... .HUGE STEP, PAVILION!  I'm so sorry you are hurting right now... .       ... .I am envious of your courage... .I see myself possibly/probably headed in the same direction... .  Be kind to yourself... .Allow yourself to feel the feelings ... .Your mindset seems healthy and focused... .  Stay strong... .It WILL be worth it in the end, and you WILL feel better!  Here if you need to talk! 

[pavilion]

Thank you. I'm not so sure I would have done it so soon if it wasn't for the fact that I had children and a career within the helping profession to focus on. I am in a lot of pain right now but trying to stay focussed, feel the grief and not text anymore.

[thereishope]

Thank you. I'm not so sure I would have done it so soon if it wasn't for the fact that I had children and a career within the helping profession to focus on. I am in a lot of pain right now but trying to stay focussed, feel the grief and not text anymore.

[Hope0807]

Dear Pavillion,

I cannot encourage you more strongly to trust your instinct to disengage and preserve your soul.  The part of you that feels like it may be best to keep trying is the what's been spun by the blender, also known as the manipulative efforts of his disease.  I too enjoyed my husband's company but became cold toward him intimately and began to hate his personality before I understood what was going on.  His many years of apologies and tears turned into to him projecting everything onto me.  So much of what you wrote is my story too.  I am desperately trying to heal from 7 years committed to him.  I wish I left sooner.  He carries on with his days and life as if I were never there.  That's what they do.  Make yourself whole again.  Whole will never be with him.  You deserve to be whole. 

Hi Everyone. Firstly thank you for being here. I really hope that I might get some clarity from people experienced with BPD. Here is my story in summary:

I have been dating my partner for just over 2 years. When we met I knew nothing of his emotional instability. Knowing what I know now the process of attaching to him was typical for a BPD relationship. The connection was something I had never felt before and I fell head over heels in love with him. After a year of dating he moved in with myself and my 2 children (at this stage everything seemed wonderful, in hindsight I ignored the red flags).

Soon enough the other side to him came bursting through and I was dumbstruck. Who the hell is this intruder? Anyway, to cut a long story short I soon realised he was showing signs of BPD. He took a disliking to my daughter who didn't warm to him and attacked my parenting style, he would (and still does) subtly irritate her on purpose. When I got very close he would go cold and call me distant and unloving. The slightest little thing could set off a BPD rant aimed at me. The first time he did this I remember thinking to myself that I would never let myself be spoken to like that again. But of course it happened many times. He never beat me but I felt emotionally battered and, at times, frightened. Each time he would win me round with his intellect, managing to justify his actions and rewording his attacks.

We lived together for a year before I made the difficult decision to ask him to leave and for us to continue dating but live separately which we have been doing. I am now in the position of not feeling any romantic affection for him and have told him this. I feel as though I have unconsciously shut down my emotions toward him yet I really like his company. When he kisses me I feel shut down. I know that in the long run this relationship won't work and it can never give me what I would like (consistency, family love, financial security). The hurt he has caused has left scars and I don't feel that attraction anymore. Telling him this has of course hurt him but he is still trying to win me back and telling me that I should make the effort to love him and that I am controlling and trying to have it all my way. He says he does not want to be friends, he only wants a romantic relationship. He has admitted his difficulties and is reading books to help him which is really great but he refuses therapy for financial reasons. He has no friends because he cuts everyone off, no family. He has 3 children who he sees occasionally. But I am THE only person he has.

I feel he needs me to say to him "I will be your lover unconditionally and help you through the BPD". I can never say this because I will always feel like leaving when he turns on me. However I could say that I will be their unconditionally as a friend.


I would love to hear any advice or different perspectives on my situation. Can someone recover just with a few books on DBT?

Thank you so much in advance for any words of wisdom.

[thereishope]

Dear Pavillion,

I cannot encourage you more strongly to trust your instinct to disengage and preserve your soul.  The part of you that feels like it may be best to keep trying is the what's been spun by the blender, also known as the manipulative efforts of his disease.  I too enjoyed my husband's company but became cold toward him intimately and began to hate his personality before I understood what was going on.  His many years of apologies and tears turned into to him projecting everything onto me.  So much of what you wrote is my story too.  I am desperately trying to heal from 7 years committed to him.  I wish I left sooner.  He carries on with his days and life as if I were never there.  That's what they do.  Make yourself whole again.  Whole will never be with him.  You deserve to be whole. 

I like this... .Well, I don't "like" it, but if I'm honest with myself I feel it's advice I need to take for myself... .

I agree with Hope, Pavilion... .STAY STRONG!  You DO deserve to be WHOLE, HEALTHY AND HAPPY!

[pavilion]

Thank you Hope. 7 years is a long time but it's better than 8! You have worded your message beautifully and being "whole" sounds like where I want to be. I can certainly relate to the feeling of being cold and beginning to hate his personality.

[thereishope]

Thank you Hope. 7 years is a long time but it's better than 8! You have worded your message beautifully and being "whole" sounds like where I want to be. I can certainly relate to the feeling of being cold and beginning to hate his personality.

I can relate with these statements too.  I'm happy for you both being out from underneath the BPD oppression... .!