My relationship with uBPD is a codependent fiasco

[JohnThorn]

In getting back in touch with my uBPD ex, I have totally begun to unravel emotionally.  Nothing out of the ordinary has happened and we've even had some good times in the past few weeks.  But there is still the same unpredictable bursts of emotion, odd behavior, and hurtful comments (on both sides).

I want nothing more than to be with her.  She has come to fully accept the BPD diagnosis and even promises to seek treatment in the near future.  But we cannot seem to get along more than 24 hours.  And much of it is my own doing.  I don't know why I act the way I do when she's in my life.  I do not have BPD, but I may have anxiety attachment disorder and a bit of a masochist tendency that leans in the direction of self-harm.  I don't know why.  I am feeling super weak right now. I have put my uBPD ex on block after a very stressful and emotional burst.  I don't know how to trust her and in this circumstance I have leaned toward being untrustworthy toward her.  This is not the life I want to live.  This is not the type of relationship I have ever had with anyone else.  I feel like I'm struggling with a terrible overwhelming addiction and I don't know how to make it stop.  Every time I feel strong and proud of my achievements, she either comes back in by my willingness or by her own persistence. Either way, I feel totally wrecked today.

I know the answer is NC and just keep on living.  I haven't yet been convinced in my heart that this solution is something I even want.  And I am afraid of the reason I don't want that yet.

Thank you for listening.

[ziniztar]

HI JohnThorn,

sorry to read about your story. 

I think you will find more answers on the Leaving or Undecided board; more people that are going through what you're going through... .

Take care 

[swiftkick]

I am sorry you're going through this.  I think a lot of folks here can understand where you're coming from.  For me, I believe it was a combination of the resentment that had built up over the years realizing how much time I had lost, a mental butt-kicking for allowing things to get so crazy by willingly staying in such a toxic and dysfunctional relationship (and involving kids), and my own awareness, which made my b.s. meter ultra-sensitive.  

It was at this time he began claiming that I was treating him like crap, when in reality all I was doing was setting some very firm boundaries... .and he wasn't liking it.  It was hen ultimate game-ended after almost 8 years, because I wasn't going to bow down to his twisting of the truth and extreme exaggerations anymore.

I hope that you will go easy on yourself.  A very good friend tells me that it's when we feel most uncomfortable that big changes are on the horizon!