Feeling frustration and anger toward my son.

[ElaineC]

My adult  DS 33 years old was in jail for committing a crime while attempting suicide. He was released after 60 days all the while in the psychological ward of the jail. He was out of state and has returned home and is staying with me temporarily. 

He has court ordered mental health counseling (not a bad thing) and some probation. I want him to be productive and want him out of my home. He argues with me constantly. Has strange ideas that he feels like it is necessary to argue it to death. I cannot even have him leave yet since it has to be cleared through probation. I am having a great deal of anxiety. He can seem to get him self together if it of some interest to him, but if I ask him to call and get an appointment set up for himself, he suddenly doesn't feel well or walks away in a trance. AAARRRRGGGGHHHH! It is causing some marital distress between his step father and I (we have been married 26 years).  I am having a tough time. He was out of state and I detached during that time. Now all of a sudden his problems seem to be my problems. I do not want to enable him. I want him to get his act together enough to get on his own. He has SSDI and he could get an apartment and live. I want my life back. Some times I wish that with his multiple suicide attempts, he would have been successful. What an awful thing to think, but I know he is in pain and he as no life to speak of right now, no interests and he is a walking zombie. I cannot will  him to want to do things. I can't do everything for him. It just enables him. What do I do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

ElaineC, I'm really sorry for the problems you are having with your son, and I do know what it feels like to see your child in so much pain, self-destructing so badly that you wish he were out of his misery... .I've been there, and my son's story has some of the same tragedies and troubles as your son's. If you would like to read how we've handled this, and what he's gone through and how he ended up in recovery from a multi-year Heroin addiction and BPD itself, his story is here: My Son's Recovery-In-Progress Story. He is now a little more than 17 months clean and sober, and is the happiest and healthiest he's been since being a little kid... .

You say that he is on probation, and court ordered counseling: has that not started yet? Is he clean and sober at this time? Do you feel that he needs more help with that? Does the court have any ideas of what types of counseling he should participate in? Has anyone mentioned a Dual Diagnosis Program to you/him? My son was in and out of "regular" rehab twice in 3 years, prior to attending a 21-day Intensive In-Patient Dual Diagnosis Program, and that was the place that diagnosed him with the BPD (last year) and started him on the path to recovery, finally.

If you have any say in what type of counseling he attends, I would suggest you look into that type of program: It focuses first on a patient's mental health issues, and then also works on their addiction issues. Even if your son is clean and sober right now, he still needs help with his addiction troubles; my own son is still going to an OutPatient Therapist, Psychiatrist & Neurofeedback Therapist to deal with his addictive tendencies, besides working on his mental health issues. Besides the newest diagnosis of BPD, he had been diagnosed at age 21 (he is 37 now) with ADD, Clinical Depression, Suicidal Ideations, Social Anxiety and a Hyperactive Thyroid.

Do you have any idea what type of mental health counseling he will be attending? My son loved the Dual Dx Program, the DBT Therapy they taught him, and everything else they had him participate in, as well as all of his ongoing Therapies and Treatments now... .Your own son may respond if he gets into the proper program. It is awful to be responsible for our adult children, especially when their actions and behaviors affect our lives (financially and emotionally) so much... .I never thought I'd ever be able to say that my son is a joy to be around, and that I have hope for his future, but that is our situation now. I wish the same for you, ElaineC 

[HealingSpirit]

Dear ElaineC,

I'm sorry to hear all the horrible stuff you're dealing with regarding your DS.  You're not alone here!   I sure understand how tired you feel of having to deal with your DS's problems that become your own.  I deal with the same thing with my own DD17.  It's hard to figure out how to make them deal with their own consequences sometimes. 

I think as parents, we have a particularly difficult time too, because even though we feel like it, we will never actually cut the ties we have to our children. 

I wish I had words of wisdom or advice to offer you.  I just wanted you to know I hear you, and you're not alone going through this terrible time.  Now that your DS is in treatment, maybe things will get better.  In the meantime, we're here.   

[MammaMia]

ElaineC

Before things get totally out of control, you may wish to contact your son's probation officer and see if they can arrange alternative housing.  Perhaps a group home.  Explain that you have tried and due to his mental illness, addiction issues, and prior estrangement, you believe it poses a hardship on the family and it would be in everyone's best interest if he lived elsewhere.  In a more structured environment, he will be forced to comply with court-ordered programs. 

Your son is an adult and you should not be expected to take care of him.  However, the County will be happy to let you bear the emotional and financial burden.