Promiscuity with teen girls...

[RaindropsOnRoses]

Hi there, I haven't posted in a while but things are getting ugly worse and it has been a hard summer! My daughter is 13 (almost 14)and has a boyfriend who she has been with on and off since last August, I just found out this week that they have had sex this summer and my dd wants to be on birth control. I immediately scheduled an appointment for exam and consult for later this week, teenage pregnancy runs in the our family and im not messing around, I will not be raising a grandchild at 35!

So its bad enough, bc she really doesnt have any girlfriends at all anymore, just boys that she says are her best friends. She goes through a new round of them though every few months, bc she gets bored with them or they get mad at her eventually, or they become a "thing" and then it all ends badly. She has "cheated" on the consistent boyfriend and "broken his heart" too many times to count now over the last year, probably 6-8. He is just in love with her and keeps coming back for me, i think he is as bad off as her. Its terrible bc I feel very bad for how she treats this poor boy, yet he just forgives and forgets all the time. His family hates her and wants him to have nothing to do with her at all, have forbid it more than once.

So i eavesdrop on her the other night while she was on the back porch with 3-4 neighbor boys who are all "her bffs" and hear her literally bragging ,like some hot shot college locker room type talk, about how the sexual encounters she had with the boyfriend and how she "pleased him" ect... very vulgar language being used! I was literally dumbfounded and couldn't move! I mean it was bad enough i found out it happened the day before now she is going out of her way to tell these other boys who are also 13-15 years old about it all! Some go to her school others are in highschool now and she will be with them next year.

I just am sick to my stomach, I have no understand of wht the hell she is thinking! I was soo looking forward to school starting next week, now im a nervous wreck, this is going to cause so many rumors and crap talking I just cant even believe it!  it already has and now this kind of thing will actually give them something to talk about and she is just like oh well so what , its true! I mean I was ready to have her committed at this point, she is telling me how i am over reacting and no one cares, they are her friends and they wont tell anyone. I mean the fact that she really believes all 4 of these teenage boys is going to somehow keep her sexual secrets makes me even more scared bc that just shows how crazy and naive she is!  

She just has no idea what the hell she is doing and im soo scared for her future. She is in counseling bi weekly and we have an apt next week. Im soo embarrassed about this i just cant even talk to anyone I know, Im so ashamed of how she acts and dont know how to change any of it. She is medicated, prozac, resprital and concerta for about a year on that combo.

How do you control them even a little? I mean she has been walking all over me for so long, i dont know how to change it now. If i take her phone aways, its im going to kill myself or will cut and say she has to have her phone to cope and its the only thing that makes her happy. If I ground her she makes me so miserable I want her to just leave eventually! I need her to leave sometimes for my sanity, but cant trust her at all when she is gone, i just feel so damn trapped by my 13 year old I want to screeemmmm!

Im too embarassed to even talk about it with anyone I know, I cant help but feel like its my fault always. I know I need to be more consistent in everything, but just dont have the energy or time to constantly fight with her. I really do the best I can and as a single mom with 2 kids and no dad around I deff feel like everything is my fault and my shortcomings... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

RaindropsOnRoses 

I'm really sorry for the troubles you are having with your daughter; there are lots of Moms with daughters on this Board, so you are really in the right place for comfort, support, insights and commiseration. Your story sounds so familiar (though my BPD child is an adult son); these types of behaviors are quite usual for a teenaged girl with BPD.

You say that she is in Counseling and on medications, so at least there is some sort of Professional(s) involved with her at this time. Are you in Counseling also? Can you access your daughter's Counselor, Therapist or Dr. for advice? At her appointment regarding birth control this week, maybe that Dr. will be able to help you in some way? At 13, you should be consulted for this type of thing... .Does her Counselor include you at all in your daughter's treatment(s)? 

It's terrible when our children are dysregulated and out of control, and it is natural to blame ourselves for this, though her disorder is what is fueling the fire with her. I used to feel guilty for my own son's behaviors, and it tore me apart to see him self-destruct before my very eyes... .Learning about BPD and how my son's mind was working is what helped me immensely in figuring out how to deal with him. If you haven't had the chance to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page, you will find a wealth of information there to help you.

I do recommend that you read the TOOLS and THE LESSONS to learn how to get a handle on communicating with your daughter in a way that could change her relationship with you, and to learn how to set boundaries with her in a way that can help... .Things will never be perfect, but once you gain the knowledge about her disorder that helps you understand why she does the things she does, it can help calm things down.

Has her Counselor or Dr. ever mentioned a Residential Treatment Center for her? Lesson 5 on the right-hand margin talks about different Therapies and In-Patient and Out-Patient options, and there's specific RTC information further down the side of the page under RTC, IOP Treatment Center Member Archive. I do know that some of our members have been able to send their children to a Program like that, and though it isn't always the solution sometimes it can help a lot.

You say she has another Counseling appointment next week; are you allowed to speak to (or email?) her Counselor to tell him/her what your daughter's up-to-date situation is? If so, I would really tell the truth and see if there is any way the Counselor can help you. My own son, although an adult, has signed the forms to let me speak to his whole treatment team: OutPatient Therapist, Neurofeedback Therapist, Psychiatrist & Doctor. Without them, and their working with me and helping me, our situation would be very dire, and my son would not be in recovery from his BPD and a multi-year Heroin addiction. If you have a team of professionals assembled to help you with your daughter, that would be a big help.

I can certainly understand the stress, trauma and terror you are going through right now; if I were in your shoes I would be panicking also... .And then I'd try to get the professionals involved with my child to help me in some way, and even get my own Therapist to help me separately. Is any of that available to you, RaindropsOnRoses? Please keep posting and we will always be here to help you 

[HealingSpirit]

Dear RaindropsOnRoses,

  Oh, you poor thing!  I hear how upset and frustrated you are about this.  My BPDD17 is a cutter too, and she used to threaten suicide, or cutting whenever we (well, let's face it, it was mostly ME) discipline her too.  Geez!  I remember those days when my DD was 13.  She acted like an angel in public, but when she got home, she'd let the rage fly and used her emotional "logic" to coerce her way with DH and me.  You're not alone anymore.  We understand here!  You can share whatever is going on with your DD on this board and you will find only support and wisdom from others who have also been through it or are still going through it.  I understand the shame and embarrassment you feel, and I would really like to acknowledge you for having the courage to speak up.  It is scary because so many parents of non-BPD teens are too critical of other parents who have out-of-control teenagers.  WE KNOW it isn't your fault here!  You're safe to vent and share here.

It sounds like your DD is using her sexuality to ensure that she is the center of attention with all her male friends. They continue to do whatever works and whatever behavior is reinforced.  It's not likely the boys her age will stop hanging around, so it's good you made the appointment to take her for birth control.  I'd ask the Gyn/Doc if Norplant or one of those shots they give every 3 months is a possibility.  My own DD had to be on the pill for polycystic ovarian syndrome since age 15, and at almost 18, she STILL has trouble remembering to take them on schedule and with regularity.  My DD also has ADHD, which I think is a factor in her lack of focus on pill-taking.  Your DD is still so young, I'd want to make SURE whatever method she uses works.  I'd also have a serious talk with her about condoms and go buy her an extra large box.  This is not condoning her activity, but she could get AIDS.  And since she has already demonstrated she is going to sleep around no matter what you do, it's probably better to teach her how to at least do it safely.  

I understand how shocked and sick to your stomach you feel.  I'm sure your DD's behavior or illness with BPD is NOT what you wanted for her!  And her sexual ventures are NOT your fault and your DD's behavior doesn't reflect on you poorly here. We KNOW what it's like! I'm really glad you found us!   I think the reaction you're having to this not so lovely discovery about your DD is normal grief.  I certainly have felt a lot of grief about my DD over various things she has done these past few years.  In fact, I feel grief every time my DD turns up with a new behavior that I never wanted to see her do.  The good news about grief is it does pass.  You just have to let yourself experience the pain and loss you feel, and then move on.  I'm not saying it's easy, but it is a normal response and it is necessary to move past it.  I'd like to invite you to let go of the shame you feel though.  Your DD will surely use your shame against you.  SHE obviously isn't ashamed of herself, and if you think about it, it really isn't helpful for you to feel ashamed, is it?

I really am glad you found us here!  I hope you feel validated after you hear from other parents here.  I know I was literally starving for validation and acceptance from other parents when I first joined this board.  You are not alone!  I'd also like to invite you to check out the tools and lessons to the right of this board.  --------------------------------------------------------------------->

They really do help, especially validating and listening with S.E.T.  But, they won't do you much good until you are able to soothe yourself and get over your initial shock of it all.  Self-care is imperative when you have a child with BPD.  

So, I'm sending you an aromatherapy bubble bath by candlelight and a nice, soothing cup of tea or wine, if you partake.

 

[murmom]

Hello Raindropsonroses -

I just wanted to say that I completely understand how you feel.  I don't know if I have any insight to give you other than "you are not alone." 

My 16 year old daughter acts out sexually, too.  The latest incident that eventually led to my daughter's hospitalization in a state ward started with us finding out she was secretly seeing/having sex with a 22 year old man she met on the Internet.  She's hooked up with guys in the past, too, for no other reason than "just for sex." 

Like your daughter, my daughter is a cutter and threatens to cut if we take her phone away as well.  Well this latest incident led to no internet or phone for her and then she became a danger to herself and others in the household.  She threatened to cut up her legs so she was taken to the ER. 

My daughter has confessed to the social worker at the hospital that she has unprotected sex because she knows "what people who have STDS look like... ."  My daughter, too, has had STDS in the past.  This has caused me lots of heartache and nightmares in and of itself!

My daughter is going into a residential program and I am praying this will help.  I know it is scary when they act out like this and take these horrible risks, especially when you've taught them right from wrong.  But it's part of the illness - the risk taking and the hyper sexuality...

My heart goes out to you... .

Murmom

Mom to DX BPD16 years old

[mmomm]

Thank you for posting so bravely.  I have been so shocked and embarrassed by my son's similar behavior.  He went to a small Christian school and we go to a small, close knit church as well, so I've felt like I couldn't even show my face. Despite my concerns, I have received nothing but total acceptance and support in both places.  His behavior has been shocking, yet not one person has condemned me personally for it.  Still so hard though... .we grieve every day, and can't imagine how these kids of ours suffer so much.  Thanks so much for posting so honestly, it really helped me tonight!

[Rapt Reader]

mmomm, that is really wonderful that you have been so supported by your church community; it does show that people can see past the mental disorder behaviors and realize that your son's soul is troubled and needs love. Extending the love to you, too, must be very validating of what you are going through... .I'm very glad that you have that support in your life, especially at a time like this when you need it so much.

All of our kids are suffering, and loving them and trying to understand their pain and heartache is the beginning... .Empathy, using the information on this site, trying not to panic when we sense their dysregulations, letting them express themselves (in a non-violent way) without judgment can do wonders for helping them come back around. There's hope for all of us and our kids; things can get better for all of us 

[Daedalus]

                   I agree, you are brave for posting the issues you are having with your daughter- well done ! My daughter just turned 18 and overnight she confessed an entire years worth of lies and habits that literally broke my heart. After a few days, she packed a bag and took off to go stay with the guy she had been lying about /hiding from my knowledge. He is 11 years older than her, has no job, etc, etc. This just happened in the last month, and led me to realize finally that she suffers from all the symptoms of BPD. For years she has been cutting, she lies ALOT, and much else, but I did not know about BPD until she walked out & I was just at a total loss... .single mom, with a 19 year old son who can't figure her out either!

                   What I would like to tell you is that the hardest, but best thing I decided -a few years ago- in regards to my teen daughter and her choices, was that I must come to terms with what I had HOPED for her vs. what SHE chooses. For example, when she was 16 she chose to meet a guy at his apartment, instead of taking the bus home (as she promised to do), she truly did not see what was coming (naive and excited) and she was raped.  I only learned of this after she turned 18. I sincerely had tried my best to warn her of such situations, and I believed we had open communication, as well. So MANY difficulties have arisen for her that I have not been able to help her through, because she hides so much and acts out in ways that are just plain confusing. This devastates me & baffles me.  I wanted things to be very different for her, as you can understand. But, I still look to the future and the possibility that our girls will mature and become confident, healthy women who guard their sexuality and feel beautiful. Allow yourself to grieve the losses now, and just address her as she is. She is very young, and though you may wish that she be more innocent (for her own sake) someday she will be able to address her sexuality in a more healthy way, with your guidance. She probably does not understand her own choices, and the best you can do for her is be a good role model, and continue to help her value herself.  Which includes monitoring and restricting her access to boys. It's tough, but allowing her to hang out with teen neighbor boys, etc. might just be a disaster waiting to happen. She is only 14- if you set firm rules for her now, at least you can help her right now by not giving her more freedom than she can handle. Hang in there