Acting In/Acting Out

[Lolster]

From what I can find on the 'Waif' BPD's the difference appears to be that they act in, i.e. direct their anger/shame/fear etc at themselves and are more likely to self harm?

I'm not sure if my exBPD fits the waif category or not.  Whilst he stoops to some pretty nasty rants he has only ever done it in writing (email/text).  I wonder if this is due to him taking time to distort what happened once the abandonment fears set in, and hence being away from me once the rage sets in, or just being unable to deal with perceived conflict face to face?

He was never able to rage at me on the phone either, and any subsequent calls after the rage best not discuss anything that was said in writing as we should have 'moved on' and we'd already 'sorted it out.' 

It was a whole new ball game for me as I had only ever experienced the kind that would rage in my face and slam my head in to the nearest wall if anything became difficult.  This one is almost like a dual personality as he is very quietly spoken in person and will do anything to avoid addressing the issues as they arise. 

[MommaBear]

Can you elaborate a little? Are you comparing two pwBPD in your life? I'm a bit lost but want to help.

[fromheeltoheal]

Your post made me think of something we all do at different times and to different degrees: live a false self.  We may put on a public 'face' or act a certain way in situations, that way is not authentic, and we do it maybe out of fear, fear of confrontation, retribution, or negative judgement, or we do it because we believe that is the way people are 'supposed' to act, and being who we are authentically is 'wrong'.  What other reasons have you used or seen used?  Anyway, all of that is putting forth a false self, living inauthentically, living a lie; I've spent my share of time there, as have most people.

Borderlines, specifically, have a lot of shame and don't feel very good about themselves, and fear of abandonment is their number one fear, so being who they are is out of the question, since to them it would mean they would be immediately abandoned.  So in comes the mirroring, to affect an attachment yes, but also to subsume the 'good' they see in you, to counteract the 'bad' they see in themselves, that parasitic fusing of psyches that a borderline thinks they must do to survive.

Sidebar: My ex once accused me of dating a gal who weighed about 300 pounds, which was bullsht, as were all her accusations, but my comment at the time was that someone who allows themselves to get to double their healthy weight doesn't care about themselves, "she doesn't care about herself" I said, and that stunned my ex, she didn't say a word for a long time, not my intent and it surprised me, but once I'd processed it I realized that she doesn't care about herself, in fact doesn't have a 'self' of her own, doesn't exist without attachments, and the thing that threw her was I was onto her, I understood that about her, the facade was failing, making my abandonment of her certain, so she went into borderline panic.

Anyway, sounds to me like your ex repressed a lot of stuff during your 'interactions', and used writing to purge after the fact, and to him the purging worked so well that it was a done deal after, and he showed up later as if nothing ever happened, which is standard borderline.

Identifying the traits of the disorder and its categories can help depersonalize it, which can help with detachment, but it won't take you all the way.  Regardless of our diagnoses, bullsht is bullsht, and eventually it's better to shift your focus from him to you, from the past to the future, to the life of your design and your dreams, a life without him in it, a life with someone who really is who you might have thought your ex was.  Take care of you!

[Lolster]

Can you elaborate a little? Are you comparing two pwBPD in your life? I'm a bit lost but want to help.

The one that only does it in writing at a later date I suspect BPD.

The other one that used to rage in every way possible, in my face, over the phone, via text definitely has high functioning ASD/rare genetic disorder and appeared to have NPD traits.

[Lolster]

Identifying the traits of the disorder and its categories can help depersonalize it, which can help with detachment, but it won't take you all the way.  Regardless of our diagnoses, bullsht is bullsht, and eventually it's better to shift your focus from him to you, from the past to the future, to the life of your design and your dreams, a life without him in it, a life with someone who really is who you might have thought your ex was.  Take care of you!

I'm not too bothered in this instance, it was a short recycle which reminded me why it was a short relationship first time around. 

It's more a case of being interested in how they display.  From what I've read of Borderline's blogs and professional literature they either act in (e,g. go away and feel sorry for themselves, maybe cut themselves) or act out (e.g. screaming blue murder at SO's in public).

I just wondered what people's experiences were of those that act in, and how they communicate, i.e. from a distance?