what is the best way to deal with the run around?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

While deciding to stay or go... .what is the best way to deal with the constant back and forth cycle?

uBPDh has an episode from an illusion... .my reaction to the episode is now to withdraw myself... .he then feels I do not show him enough love because I'm withdrawn and he acts out even more (raging, name calling, throwing things, silent treatments, etc).  When sitting down to talk about it, his main issue is always how I do not give him enough credit or show him enough love.  I acknowledge that is true (though he tells me I don't acknowledge it in a sincere way), and tell him it is because in the past everytime I've shown him love he still has episodes and the more they happen the more I withdraw.  With the episodes happening more frequently it's harder for me to give back into showing him love when I feel so hurt.

We are now in a daily cycle of me withdrawing even further from him (not showing him love/attention) and him acting out because he is not getting that attention.  He believes that a few hugs and kisses from him should stop me from withdrawing and get me to give him the full love and attention he needs.  He says he will never be able to understand how hurt I feel from his abuse because he's not me.

I wanted this marriage to work so badly... .but not sure what else I can do from here. Help? 

[LilHurt420]

While deciding to stay or go... .what is the best way to deal with the constant back and forth cycle?

uBPDh has an episode from an illusion... .my reaction to the episode is now to withdraw myself... .he then feels I do not show him enough love because I'm withdrawn and he acts out even more (raging, name calling, throwing things, silent treatments, etc).  When sitting down to talk about it, his main issue is always how I do not give him enough credit or show him enough love.  I acknowledge that is true (though he tells me I don't acknowledge it in a sincere way), and tell him it is because in the past everytime I've shown him love he still has episodes and the more they happen the more I withdraw.  With the episodes happening more frequently it's harder for me to give back into showing him love when I feel so hurt.

We are now in a daily cycle of me withdrawing even further from him (not showing him love/attention) and him acting out because he is not getting that attention.  He believes that a few hugs and kisses from him should stop me from withdrawing and get me to give him the full love and attention he needs.  He says he will never be able to understand how hurt I feel from his abuse because he's not me.

I wanted this marriage to work so badly... .but not sure what else I can do from here. Help? 

[pavilion]

It sounds to me that you are withdrawing either consciously or unconsciously to protect yourself because nothing you can say or do (aside from agreeing with him and giving him what he wants but even then he will sense your lack of feeling) will be truly empathically be heard by him. I wonder how you used to react to conflict within the family when you were a child. Perhaps by withdrawing. Perhaps you have lost the will to attempt to connect with him because it's so one sided.

I say all this because it sounds like it was exactly what I have been going through and this week I finally decided enough is enough (thanks to these boards). Fortunately for me I wasn't in a marriage but you are and that is tough. Perhaps you need to think about what marriage means to you and whether your values are being compromised by his behaviour. What would it be like to be out of this relationship? What would it feel like to stay? What do you imagine others would think of you if you leave? Spend some time getting to know you again rather than trying to please your husband.

If you decide you want to stay in the marriage it will take huge work from both sides, perhaps therapy together. Without that you will be stuck in this cycle whether than be daily, weekly or monthly .

Look after you right now because you need some kindness. x

[OutOfEgypt]

We are now in a daily cycle of me withdrawing even further from him (not showing him love/attention) and him acting out because he is not getting that attention.

That was my marriage to my uBPDexw in a nutshell.  I never gave her enough love or affectin, which led her to treat me terribly, lash out, threaten the relationship, and cheat on me, which of course contributed more to my withdrawal, and so on.  I always thought that if I could just "fix myself" and "man-up" enough to somehow be bulletproof, then I would be able to just endure it and gut it up and be there inthe ways she needed me.  I was like a dear in headlights.  She could feel how unnatural it was, which only made things worse.  There was nothing I could really do... .then I realized, "How exactly am I supposed to feel comfortable with someone who makes me feel like I need to feel comfortable and intimate with them, at gunpoint?"  I was blind to it, but it was a totally one-way relationship, completely engulfed with her endless needs.

The best way to deal with it?  I can tell you what I wish I could have done, if I could handle the affairs and such.  I would have found a way to be comfortable with myself and live in reality -which meant not listening to her "reality."  Hard to do when someone's always telling you with their constant unhappiness about you that you suck.  But that is what I wish I would have done.  I wish I could have found a place where I know in my heart "I'm enough, I'm giving myself in a very reasonable manner, and my spouse is unrealistic and one-way, but I'm not going to punish myself for that.  I'm going to detach and let her throw her childish tantrums and pay no mind to them."